Am I really here...?
I have noticed how hard it is for me to move forward with my life, not only that but I tend to obsess over the past a lot. I catch myself looking at old pictures and the sparse moments of my life that where so pleasurable I wish them where longer. I self pity myself and act like an emo a lot more then would like. I especially think of the moments that regret, especially with the woman I have been with and not done more with them, been more for them, told them what I really feel or how I should have been more for them.
Like I have said before in previous posts I do feel like an alien in human skin, each day do feel more and more removed from the human race till I feel like I am more watching then actually participating in a human experience. Summer is hardest for me I like women and more women in next to nothing for clothes emotionally hurt for how lonely I feel. Yeah I have a fear of commitment in a way worse, I can handle walking up to a woman and her rejecting me, my self esteem is ready, hell I expect that. But what if she says yes, what if I actually succeed, then what, what do I do, how do I act, what if she actually comes up to me and asks me out. I still stick to my one date rule if a woman has enough courage to ask me out I will go on a date with her because of her courage. But can ever extend the same courage to go after a woman. Why do I always go after the easy lay as it where, why do I never intend to leap until I know I already have an in.
The last aspect is that like usual I can say I am not but I am always actively looking for a companion, and trust me it is exhausting. I am specifically out on the hunt looking for someone but I feel lonely and in loneliness I am looking. The desperation aura of sex I used to give off has subsided since that is not as important, well at least it is easier to say I can get sex when I want if from certain play friends, but that is not what I am looking for. I am just wondering that I have lost my passion for almost everything in my life, so I am wondering if I have no real passion for anything will I have any passion for anyone?
Like I have said before in previous posts I do feel like an alien in human skin, each day do feel more and more removed from the human race till I feel like I am more watching then actually participating in a human experience. Summer is hardest for me I like women and more women in next to nothing for clothes emotionally hurt for how lonely I feel. Yeah I have a fear of commitment in a way worse, I can handle walking up to a woman and her rejecting me, my self esteem is ready, hell I expect that. But what if she says yes, what if I actually succeed, then what, what do I do, how do I act, what if she actually comes up to me and asks me out. I still stick to my one date rule if a woman has enough courage to ask me out I will go on a date with her because of her courage. But can ever extend the same courage to go after a woman. Why do I always go after the easy lay as it where, why do I never intend to leap until I know I already have an in.
The last aspect is that like usual I can say I am not but I am always actively looking for a companion, and trust me it is exhausting. I am specifically out on the hunt looking for someone but I feel lonely and in loneliness I am looking. The desperation aura of sex I used to give off has subsided since that is not as important, well at least it is easier to say I can get sex when I want if from certain play friends, but that is not what I am looking for. I am just wondering that I have lost my passion for almost everything in my life, so I am wondering if I have no real passion for anything will I have any passion for anyone?