Anxiety
I'm documenting this very trying time in my life because I want to be able to read this for future reference, as it's becoming increasingly apparent that my tendency toward anxiety will continue to be a problem throughout my life. So here goes: I've been suffering from steadily worsening (and more constant) anxiety for the last two or three weeks, and this is on top of the panic attacks I've been suffering for the last six months. Yesterday was the worst day yet... but I feel like it was also a turning point. I felt nervous and jittery and overwhelmed all day, like I was constantly on the verge of panicking, but I also learned something vitally important. It all started with sleep disturbances the night before. This was the first time my sleep had ever been interrupted by anxiety, and this seriously freaked me out. Sleep has always been a 'safe place' for me, somewhere I can go to escape my anxiety with the knowledge that it will be better in the morning. However this night I woke up multiple times in the night overheating, sweaty and short of breath, and quickly became too panicked to fall back asleep. Accordingly, the next morning I woke up jittery and unable to handle even the slightest anxiety. I called Kelsey, and she came over to help calm me down. This, of course, didn't work... and I had a mini-breakdown wherein I utterly believed that I would not be able to make it through the next few days until my next doctor appointment. I felt completely incapable of handling my anxiety any longer. I was exhausted and hopeless... complete and utter despair. This is always the worst aspect of anxiety... those moments where you feel so overwhelmed and so powerless that you literally give up hope. You begin to believe that how you feel in the moment will last forever... that you will never feel better, or that you will go insane. This feeling passed, obviously, as Kelsey took me to her place and played Wii table tennis to distract me. It's actually amazing how well it worked. Within a few minutes I was feeling much more calm and back to normal.
Eventually I called my doctor, and she phoned in a prescription for benzodiazepines, just in case my anxiety became too overwhelming. However I'm still too terrified to take them. I already feel overwhelmed, but the thought of taking anything mind-altering just terrifies me more.
I'm trying to see this as an opportunity for personal growth and enlightenment. Challenge brings growth, etc etc. But right now I'm just tired.
I'm realizing, though, that I might have an undiagnosed General Anxiety Disorder. Apparently the core symptom is the tendency to dwell on negative occurences, and this may explain my tendency to focus so intently on all the bad things that happen in my life and gloss over the positive (as seen in my journal entries). Is it possible that I just haven't been recognizing this as anxiety up until now?
Eventually I called my doctor, and she phoned in a prescription for benzodiazepines, just in case my anxiety became too overwhelming. However I'm still too terrified to take them. I already feel overwhelmed, but the thought of taking anything mind-altering just terrifies me more.
I'm trying to see this as an opportunity for personal growth and enlightenment. Challenge brings growth, etc etc. But right now I'm just tired.
I'm realizing, though, that I might have an undiagnosed General Anxiety Disorder. Apparently the core symptom is the tendency to dwell on negative occurences, and this may explain my tendency to focus so intently on all the bad things that happen in my life and gloss over the positive (as seen in my journal entries). Is it possible that I just haven't been recognizing this as anxiety up until now?