Portland
Well, been living in Portland for about two months. The first few weeks were terrible, full of depression and anxiety. It didn't help that I was leaving behind a strong social life in Seattle. In the last few years I had finally created a community for myself, and I was feeling truly connected to people for the first time in my life. Coming to Portland felt like giving all that up... forcing myself into isolation, a self-imposed prison sentence of at least two years. I knew that those friendships wouldn't dissolve the moment I left, but I also knew that it would take me a LONG time to build another community of friends in Portland. Those friendships were the result of years of work, and the thought of not being surrounded by people who love me... without that safety net... was a huge trigger.
I did it because I needed the job, but moreso because it terrified me so completely. When I had a panic attack on the way home from my first interview, I made my decision. I knew that what my answer would be if they offered me the job. I knew that if I ran from every opportunity that presented itself, I'd never make anything of my life. I've always believed in a sink-or-swim method, where I throw myself in the deep end and deal with the consequences... that way everything else seems easy. And moving away from my family and friends, the people I've come to rely on so heavily in my times of anxiety, was as deep as the ocean.
It's definitely not as bad as I thought. I've made a few friends... not very close, but people I can spend time with. And I've noticed that I've begun to shift my focus from my social life to more productive pursuits... like my job. I haven't been this focused on my research since college. I'm emotionally invested in my job like never before. Plus I'm essentially working two jobs right now just to pay all my bills. There's my research, and then all the odd jobs I take to make extra money for which I am often drastically underpaid. I'm actually not bitter about it, however. Struggling to get by financially is actually keeping me trained on a goal so that I don't focus too hard on my feelings of isolation. Not that it still doesn't get to me from time to time, but the general trend seems to be upward.
I've realized something unsavory during this whole ordeal, however. My anxiety had been under control while in Seattle until I decided to drastically change my life. Moreover ever since I moved here I've reacted to every change with disproportionately high levels of anxiety and depression. Additionally I've found myself worrying about how fast the world is changing and whether I'll be able to keep up.
I've become one of those people who fears change.
This is so antithetical to my personality (at least pre-anxiety) that I find it physically repulsive. I actually get nauseous if I think about it for too long. I don't really know what to do about it, how does one do exposure therapy to change? And what if it's only a specific kind of change? There is just no way to control for that. I really would like to see a therapist about this, but I can't afford it until the beginning of the year (2014... officially 10 years post-high school. Yikes!)
Which brings me to my next point... how is it that I'm poorer here than I was on unemployment in Seattle? It makes no freakin sense. I never have ANY money. And I'm not just talking about not having extra money to do fun things with friends... I mean I'm having to choose between groceries and going to see a movie once in a while. This is ridiculous. I've pretty much resigned myself to not having any money at all this winter... which is actually not terrible since I don't have many friends to spend it with. See, it's all about the upside.
Don't even get me started on my land lady. I'll save that rant for another time.
I did it because I needed the job, but moreso because it terrified me so completely. When I had a panic attack on the way home from my first interview, I made my decision. I knew that what my answer would be if they offered me the job. I knew that if I ran from every opportunity that presented itself, I'd never make anything of my life. I've always believed in a sink-or-swim method, where I throw myself in the deep end and deal with the consequences... that way everything else seems easy. And moving away from my family and friends, the people I've come to rely on so heavily in my times of anxiety, was as deep as the ocean.
It's definitely not as bad as I thought. I've made a few friends... not very close, but people I can spend time with. And I've noticed that I've begun to shift my focus from my social life to more productive pursuits... like my job. I haven't been this focused on my research since college. I'm emotionally invested in my job like never before. Plus I'm essentially working two jobs right now just to pay all my bills. There's my research, and then all the odd jobs I take to make extra money for which I am often drastically underpaid. I'm actually not bitter about it, however. Struggling to get by financially is actually keeping me trained on a goal so that I don't focus too hard on my feelings of isolation. Not that it still doesn't get to me from time to time, but the general trend seems to be upward.
I've realized something unsavory during this whole ordeal, however. My anxiety had been under control while in Seattle until I decided to drastically change my life. Moreover ever since I moved here I've reacted to every change with disproportionately high levels of anxiety and depression. Additionally I've found myself worrying about how fast the world is changing and whether I'll be able to keep up.
I've become one of those people who fears change.
This is so antithetical to my personality (at least pre-anxiety) that I find it physically repulsive. I actually get nauseous if I think about it for too long. I don't really know what to do about it, how does one do exposure therapy to change? And what if it's only a specific kind of change? There is just no way to control for that. I really would like to see a therapist about this, but I can't afford it until the beginning of the year (2014... officially 10 years post-high school. Yikes!)
Which brings me to my next point... how is it that I'm poorer here than I was on unemployment in Seattle? It makes no freakin sense. I never have ANY money. And I'm not just talking about not having extra money to do fun things with friends... I mean I'm having to choose between groceries and going to see a movie once in a while. This is ridiculous. I've pretty much resigned myself to not having any money at all this winter... which is actually not terrible since I don't have many friends to spend it with. See, it's all about the upside.
Don't even get me started on my land lady. I'll save that rant for another time.