Run
Mom and I were looking at the Quran today. She was trying to teach me Arabic again. I think I'm ready to learn about Islam. I think it is time now. She was talking about her life and what religion meant to her growing up. She explained how she was in fear rather than admiration. I began thinking about codes and deciphering. It is interesting how letters or marks hold the secrets to the universe. I was staring down at the page as she tried to explain conjugations. All I saw were beautiful shapes and patterns. I remember being about 4 years old and crying hysterically. I was sitting in my fathers study and trying to mimic the letters I saw in one of his books. I felt so frustrated and pissed. I could not form the letters and I could not understand anything I was doing. I guess I felt like if I emulated him, a piece of his wisdom would enter my life. I remember wondering what it would take to read and hoping that I would some day understand the marks and patterns. I guess I feel remnants of that same frustration. I feel like a little baby with a chunky crayon trying to form sophisticated letters. I think I have a habit of setting extremely high goals and getting angry when I do not complete them. I always set myself up for frustration. I think I am constantly in a rush for an imaginary goal, or destination. I wonder where I am leading myself most of the time. I watched Hotel Rwanda again last night. I guess I wonder why I am such a waste of space. I think most of the people I know take up way too much room on earth. I began questioning the purpose of my life and the reason why some die and some live. It must be random. It really must be. I live an over indulged existence and I am bombarded with masochists and pain mongers. I questioned why I create so much hardship in my life. I questioned why I could not feel the suffering of my ancestors, my mother and the world. I questioned what makes a person close their eyes to the world. And I realized that it was the word 'other'. The OTHER people go through that,...the 'other' countries go through that. I think the same thing applies to success. 'Other' people make millions, 'other' people travel the world. Who am I, who are those others. I think they are me. I think you get stuck in a sad sad mediocre existence when extremities are not a part of your life. I agree that peaceful balance can enter your life, but it is not the blindness of mediocrity.
I wonder when my eyes will fully open. I wonder when I will see both sides of the world. I wonder when the sheltered ignorance will leave me. I wonder whether my mothers love blinds me from pain and suffering of the world. Do I deny her love? Or do I realize it fuels my compassion and appreciation for others less fortunate? I wonder about all the anorexic teens in the west. They are trying to find their worth in the land of plentiful. Deny yourself food, deny yourself inorder to appreciate yourself. When you are stripped naked, when you fall you remember what it felt like to be on top. I realize that there is very little contact with true pain in America. So people begin to fabricate pain within themselves. The diets, the restrictions, the relationships. When you are part of success where do you run, if you can anywhere? Restrictions and pain become guidelines and safety. You're allowed to run anywhere, but you ask to be bound. You ask for constraints. You have freedom, you are flourishing,,, run with it. Teach others about how to get there. Hmm. It doesn't happen too often. "I have everything in my life, so now I will destroy my life". It seems like a logical conclusion for some. Once you are on top, you must crumble to the ground. Why not help others peak. MY LIFE.. MY LIFE.. OTHERS OTHERS... Fear and selfishness.
I wonder when my eyes will fully open. I wonder when I will see both sides of the world. I wonder when the sheltered ignorance will leave me. I wonder whether my mothers love blinds me from pain and suffering of the world. Do I deny her love? Or do I realize it fuels my compassion and appreciation for others less fortunate? I wonder about all the anorexic teens in the west. They are trying to find their worth in the land of plentiful. Deny yourself food, deny yourself inorder to appreciate yourself. When you are stripped naked, when you fall you remember what it felt like to be on top. I realize that there is very little contact with true pain in America. So people begin to fabricate pain within themselves. The diets, the restrictions, the relationships. When you are part of success where do you run, if you can anywhere? Restrictions and pain become guidelines and safety. You're allowed to run anywhere, but you ask to be bound. You ask for constraints. You have freedom, you are flourishing,,, run with it. Teach others about how to get there. Hmm. It doesn't happen too often. "I have everything in my life, so now I will destroy my life". It seems like a logical conclusion for some. Once you are on top, you must crumble to the ground. Why not help others peak. MY LIFE.. MY LIFE.. OTHERS OTHERS... Fear and selfishness.