Is this me prending to be the genuine young me-OR really it's all just me and I don't know it!!
I question what makes this year different to last. I seem to be engaging in the same activities, I dunno. I was sitting in the park yesterday remembering someone. I sat in the same place.
Last year I was painting a landscape, this year I was eating my lunch. I feel the same. I wondered so fucking hard, I questioned myself with insane suspicion. AM I ANY DIFFERENT???.... Did I change into someone new. Am I a woman yet. NOooooo! My impatience was the proof. No I am no different, I've just read more and made more art. But I haven't morphed into something else. It's just the same me with new clothes and new words. I'm still a dork. I still wear ill-fitting clothes... I wear waayyy too much makeup.. Maybe that's the difference. Last year I felt older, but this year I realized I'm still a kid. Funny enough I'm secretly happy. It makes me cry a little, knowing that no son-of-a-bitch human has tainted me yet. I'm so fed up with waiting. waiting for people to call, waiting for my roots to show, waiting to be famous. I made an effort to say every word that I've ever said to a guy, a friend or a lover.. to myself. I admire you. I admire your passion and your drive. I think you have beautiful eyes. I am so comfortable with you here, you're a fraud a loser and a bitch, you are so kind and caring, why don't you listen to me, why don't you love me.. why do you ignore me, I need space you're suffocating me, if I see you again I'll ignore you, you're so interesting, I want to know you, I love you, I appreciate you.
Ultimately I run inside and outside myself, like a headless chicken...really looking for input.. "Hey there kind sir, could you tell me who I am and where I'm going?"...Really I need to sit alone more and when I burn to be with someone I need to sit quietly by myself. People really don't give a shit. I seriously don't give a shit about myself. I'm so self destructive, but I mend myself pretty well too. I think that this 'defining self' phase I'm going through, is pretty normal, in a 'coming of age' teen drama movie kinda way. I need direction and focus. I need to stop when I need to stop and run when I need to run. I need to stop depending on others to DEFINE me. They are guides, but it was me that came into this world.. I take a crap by myself.. I mean I know all the gross details about me, I can't depend on others to document the chronology of my life. But saying all that I understand that there are people on earth that do help,.. it's just that you really can't be sure of too many people. I think suspicion is healthy in small doses, and being not can leave you prey to the most horrendous deeds. But then if I can't trust others how could I ever expect anyone to trust me. I was crying to my mother a few days back, I told her that I can't stop thinking. I feel like I'm suffering. I walk in to a store and I acknowledge every person, every light fixture, every glance, every potential thought they could be thinking based on my chosen outfit of the day. I am pre-planned and unnatural. I suffocate myself, other people can't destroy me as well as I can. When I was younger I used to imagine being a serial killer. I'm so meticulous. I notice every detail... and I could get rid of evidence like a psycho... bleach bleach bleach is your friend. I know these are childish pursuits and I'd never carry them out, but I wonder why I have these skills. I started thinking about what I'd be like as a caveman, I mean a cavewoman- A CAVEPERSON... fuck no gender roles, I'd be a cave woman. I thought about how fucked up my teeth would be for one... without braces...Cringe. But what would I have done. Would I be the organizer.. no. Would I be the mother... (I think I'm sterile)... no. i guess I would be the witch. The diviner, with bizarre dreams and flashing eyes. BLAHHHHHHH. I like being young.... I'll miss being young and when I'm old and grey I'll laugh so hard remembering and knowing that this random deranged girl still runs free inside of me.
Last year I was painting a landscape, this year I was eating my lunch. I feel the same. I wondered so fucking hard, I questioned myself with insane suspicion. AM I ANY DIFFERENT???.... Did I change into someone new. Am I a woman yet. NOooooo! My impatience was the proof. No I am no different, I've just read more and made more art. But I haven't morphed into something else. It's just the same me with new clothes and new words. I'm still a dork. I still wear ill-fitting clothes... I wear waayyy too much makeup.. Maybe that's the difference. Last year I felt older, but this year I realized I'm still a kid. Funny enough I'm secretly happy. It makes me cry a little, knowing that no son-of-a-bitch human has tainted me yet. I'm so fed up with waiting. waiting for people to call, waiting for my roots to show, waiting to be famous. I made an effort to say every word that I've ever said to a guy, a friend or a lover.. to myself. I admire you. I admire your passion and your drive. I think you have beautiful eyes. I am so comfortable with you here, you're a fraud a loser and a bitch, you are so kind and caring, why don't you listen to me, why don't you love me.. why do you ignore me, I need space you're suffocating me, if I see you again I'll ignore you, you're so interesting, I want to know you, I love you, I appreciate you.
Ultimately I run inside and outside myself, like a headless chicken...really looking for input.. "Hey there kind sir, could you tell me who I am and where I'm going?"...Really I need to sit alone more and when I burn to be with someone I need to sit quietly by myself. People really don't give a shit. I seriously don't give a shit about myself. I'm so self destructive, but I mend myself pretty well too. I think that this 'defining self' phase I'm going through, is pretty normal, in a 'coming of age' teen drama movie kinda way. I need direction and focus. I need to stop when I need to stop and run when I need to run. I need to stop depending on others to DEFINE me. They are guides, but it was me that came into this world.. I take a crap by myself.. I mean I know all the gross details about me, I can't depend on others to document the chronology of my life. But saying all that I understand that there are people on earth that do help,.. it's just that you really can't be sure of too many people. I think suspicion is healthy in small doses, and being not can leave you prey to the most horrendous deeds. But then if I can't trust others how could I ever expect anyone to trust me. I was crying to my mother a few days back, I told her that I can't stop thinking. I feel like I'm suffering. I walk in to a store and I acknowledge every person, every light fixture, every glance, every potential thought they could be thinking based on my chosen outfit of the day. I am pre-planned and unnatural. I suffocate myself, other people can't destroy me as well as I can. When I was younger I used to imagine being a serial killer. I'm so meticulous. I notice every detail... and I could get rid of evidence like a psycho... bleach bleach bleach is your friend. I know these are childish pursuits and I'd never carry them out, but I wonder why I have these skills. I started thinking about what I'd be like as a caveman, I mean a cavewoman- A CAVEPERSON... fuck no gender roles, I'd be a cave woman. I thought about how fucked up my teeth would be for one... without braces...Cringe. But what would I have done. Would I be the organizer.. no. Would I be the mother... (I think I'm sterile)... no. i guess I would be the witch. The diviner, with bizarre dreams and flashing eyes. BLAHHHHHHH. I like being young.... I'll miss being young and when I'm old and grey I'll laugh so hard remembering and knowing that this random deranged girl still runs free inside of me.