i'm fighting the losing battle
today i choose the color of unhappy.
why can't i just be happy? or pretend to be happy? i mean, everybody knows that all i've wanted all year is to be with him again. so why doesn't it make me happy?
maybe because he doesn't want to be with me. maybe because the first time we see each other after a week of his absence he wants to stop by to see this girl he has a bloody crush on. or maybe because i try to squeeze myself in between his job and his friends and his life and he just tosses his plans to the wind and goes wherever he pleases anyhow. maybe because we don't ever talk like we used to. not since the emails stopped. so much for your promises. you don't "promise" anything. but the things you say, that you expect me to trust, don't mean a thing to you. last summer the excuse was we were seeing each other so much, and on the phone all the time, and on aim all the time. why bother with emails? now it's just not worth your time. you're "a busy guy". well, i'm not going to sit around and wait for you to free up some time for me. i don't want to live like this. this is the part i always hated... the part where i feel unimportant and distant and used.
i've been so desperate to see you. and maybe you'd like to see me too, but you never give me any sign either way. you're always impartial. when i ask if i can see you you say "i guess". how encouraging.
i'm crying for the second night in a row. i have to ask myself, is it worth it? is this really worth the pain?
i really don't work that many hours. you'd think somehow i could manage a few hours visit... but you don't have time to see me. not even with the summer going by so fast. not that you can always rearrange your plans. i understand. after all, i have those days too. but not weeks of them in a row. and i felt awful for taking time away from your family....
you want to know what's unfair? that you get a free ticket into my brain all the time. i can't help writing. ever since i can remember writing has been the easiest way for me to express myself. and my livejournal is so much easier than a notebook because i get to pick a color to represent me, and i get to type instead of write. all i get from you are away messages. sometimes. and then, there are times when i simply feel obligated to write about myself, in a sort of pennance for asking so much. but i don't ask much of you at all, i really dont! just that you be there for me as much as i'm there for you, and that you try. and if you don't want to see me this summer, just tell me. because i dont' want to be such a mess all the time. i don't want to care if you don't care too.
i miss rebecca. she always makes me smile, even when she's sweaty and "gross" and doesn't want to be touched.
i'm working on desi's email... but its coming slowly.
why can't i just be happy? or pretend to be happy? i mean, everybody knows that all i've wanted all year is to be with him again. so why doesn't it make me happy?
maybe because he doesn't want to be with me. maybe because the first time we see each other after a week of his absence he wants to stop by to see this girl he has a bloody crush on. or maybe because i try to squeeze myself in between his job and his friends and his life and he just tosses his plans to the wind and goes wherever he pleases anyhow. maybe because we don't ever talk like we used to. not since the emails stopped. so much for your promises. you don't "promise" anything. but the things you say, that you expect me to trust, don't mean a thing to you. last summer the excuse was we were seeing each other so much, and on the phone all the time, and on aim all the time. why bother with emails? now it's just not worth your time. you're "a busy guy". well, i'm not going to sit around and wait for you to free up some time for me. i don't want to live like this. this is the part i always hated... the part where i feel unimportant and distant and used.
i've been so desperate to see you. and maybe you'd like to see me too, but you never give me any sign either way. you're always impartial. when i ask if i can see you you say "i guess". how encouraging.
i'm crying for the second night in a row. i have to ask myself, is it worth it? is this really worth the pain?
i really don't work that many hours. you'd think somehow i could manage a few hours visit... but you don't have time to see me. not even with the summer going by so fast. not that you can always rearrange your plans. i understand. after all, i have those days too. but not weeks of them in a row. and i felt awful for taking time away from your family....
you want to know what's unfair? that you get a free ticket into my brain all the time. i can't help writing. ever since i can remember writing has been the easiest way for me to express myself. and my livejournal is so much easier than a notebook because i get to pick a color to represent me, and i get to type instead of write. all i get from you are away messages. sometimes. and then, there are times when i simply feel obligated to write about myself, in a sort of pennance for asking so much. but i don't ask much of you at all, i really dont! just that you be there for me as much as i'm there for you, and that you try. and if you don't want to see me this summer, just tell me. because i dont' want to be such a mess all the time. i don't want to care if you don't care too.
i miss rebecca. she always makes me smile, even when she's sweaty and "gross" and doesn't want to be touched.
i'm working on desi's email... but its coming slowly.