You're A Master of Distraction
I don't know if I want to fight these battles all over again. they hurt enough last time. even after nearly a year of misery, it's hard for me to look at all the mountains ahead and say its worth the climb. i've been hurt over and over again. not that it matters, because it doesn't. i deserve it. but talking tonight... it helped a little, because you told me i was not being fair. and i told you i'd never felt wanted. not sure if we've ever said those things before. i just always said i didn't think you meant what you said. a half truth. the easy way to put things.
i'm not sure if i'm worth the effort. the battles and the emotions and the injuries we can inflict on one another. dad and i had plans to go to the movies today, so did you, and i worried that we'd run into each other. i remember us running into orianna bowman once. how embarassed i was to see somebody from your world. somebody with more right to you than i. i guess that's my issue. i've never felt like i had a right to care about you. i have fought to earn that right, but i still don't feel i've earned it.
i haven't told anyone about us yet.. but they know. i figure that by the time i say something it'll be over anyhow.. so what's the point? but at the same time i haven't bothered to be deliberately secritive about it like last summer.
sometimes i dont' know if i keep this journal for me or for you. there's always been a hope in the back of my mind that what i do matters enough for you to read about it. which is coupled with self disgust.
even if i'm at the top of the list, i'm still just another girl in a long line. and for as long as there is a list i think i'll always believe that, true or not.
i'm not sure if i'm worth the effort. the battles and the emotions and the injuries we can inflict on one another. dad and i had plans to go to the movies today, so did you, and i worried that we'd run into each other. i remember us running into orianna bowman once. how embarassed i was to see somebody from your world. somebody with more right to you than i. i guess that's my issue. i've never felt like i had a right to care about you. i have fought to earn that right, but i still don't feel i've earned it.
i haven't told anyone about us yet.. but they know. i figure that by the time i say something it'll be over anyhow.. so what's the point? but at the same time i haven't bothered to be deliberately secritive about it like last summer.
sometimes i dont' know if i keep this journal for me or for you. there's always been a hope in the back of my mind that what i do matters enough for you to read about it. which is coupled with self disgust.
even if i'm at the top of the list, i'm still just another girl in a long line. and for as long as there is a list i think i'll always believe that, true or not.