Love and Marriage
The color of feeling blue. talked to long about the future. about all the things i stopped believing in sometime around when i stopped thinking the little mermaid was a good story. can you blame me? i watched beauty and the beast a few days ago with rebecca... even that has lost it's flair. i mean, i still love the colors and the music... but i don't beleive in the love.
i never know if i'm going through a phase or if my old ways are returning. my really old ways. today for the first time in a while i felt like "sis". not post "the 16th" sis. the sis that you used to flirt with before. the one that never thought you meant anything by it. the one that talked to you all the time, and never asked for a place in your life. the one that accepted defeat without ever trying. the sis that you joked about marrying. we were going to live next door to desiree. and rebecca too. the very same sis that you'll hopefully keep in touch with when we're in college. when this fleeting "romance" of ours is extinguished.
i'm sure you will settle down someday. you'll get tired of the chase. and maybe someday i'll put all the faith forward and make an eternal commitment too. we both know i'm not capable of that now. one needs to believe. i don't know if i ever will. when i look at the future, at all the obligations of being a wife, a mother, a professional... i see no point to it. my heart isn't in it. it's like when the teacher assigns you a book to read. sure, you'll do it, you'll trudge through the bloody assignment to the best of your ability, but you won't like it, and you won't care. life to me seems like just another homework assignment. and i'm sure i'm missing the point.
when i'm a good girl and go to church a lot and work up my faith ... i like being alive. but not tonight. tonight i'm the old kristina.
its a shame i never write when i'm really happy. like when rebecca and i went out on the boat and i got sunburn and she stayed all day and i got to hug her a lot and my mom came home from oregon. i did get my scores back today, btw. 2 3's. i'm not sure i can say the chem one is dissappointing. it's what i expected... i just don't want to have to retake that class in college. without mr. porter i doubt i'd like it. lol. i may take pathogenic microbiology at macomb this year. now THAT is interesting. gotta talk to the parents tho.
i guess this melancholly is from the old songs. last summer's songs. it was so different then. it was a time when i really thought that you and i had something remotely special. i wish i still felt that way.
flute sectional in the morning. gotta shake it off....
but still....
I remember how it was this winter. the nights i spent crying and the days at school when i wanted nothing at all. i was not quite alive, just existing, and i'm not sure i'd have gone to school at all but for my friends. and the thing that helped me the most was max. having him hold me and forgetting all the hurt pent up inside. and looking at the school year to come, without him... seems empty. i don't even know that i want to be in drama except that i don't want to have free time.
lol, i wish we had something in common besides music... we could take a class together at macomb.... i dont want to fall apart like we did last time. i want solid reasons and i don't want you to shove other people in my face to help you move on. then again... who says you'll need any help at all this time. and who says how long this will last?
i never know if i'm going through a phase or if my old ways are returning. my really old ways. today for the first time in a while i felt like "sis". not post "the 16th" sis. the sis that you used to flirt with before. the one that never thought you meant anything by it. the one that talked to you all the time, and never asked for a place in your life. the one that accepted defeat without ever trying. the sis that you joked about marrying. we were going to live next door to desiree. and rebecca too. the very same sis that you'll hopefully keep in touch with when we're in college. when this fleeting "romance" of ours is extinguished.
i'm sure you will settle down someday. you'll get tired of the chase. and maybe someday i'll put all the faith forward and make an eternal commitment too. we both know i'm not capable of that now. one needs to believe. i don't know if i ever will. when i look at the future, at all the obligations of being a wife, a mother, a professional... i see no point to it. my heart isn't in it. it's like when the teacher assigns you a book to read. sure, you'll do it, you'll trudge through the bloody assignment to the best of your ability, but you won't like it, and you won't care. life to me seems like just another homework assignment. and i'm sure i'm missing the point.
when i'm a good girl and go to church a lot and work up my faith ... i like being alive. but not tonight. tonight i'm the old kristina.
its a shame i never write when i'm really happy. like when rebecca and i went out on the boat and i got sunburn and she stayed all day and i got to hug her a lot and my mom came home from oregon. i did get my scores back today, btw. 2 3's. i'm not sure i can say the chem one is dissappointing. it's what i expected... i just don't want to have to retake that class in college. without mr. porter i doubt i'd like it. lol. i may take pathogenic microbiology at macomb this year. now THAT is interesting. gotta talk to the parents tho.
i guess this melancholly is from the old songs. last summer's songs. it was so different then. it was a time when i really thought that you and i had something remotely special. i wish i still felt that way.
flute sectional in the morning. gotta shake it off....
but still....
I remember how it was this winter. the nights i spent crying and the days at school when i wanted nothing at all. i was not quite alive, just existing, and i'm not sure i'd have gone to school at all but for my friends. and the thing that helped me the most was max. having him hold me and forgetting all the hurt pent up inside. and looking at the school year to come, without him... seems empty. i don't even know that i want to be in drama except that i don't want to have free time.
lol, i wish we had something in common besides music... we could take a class together at macomb.... i dont want to fall apart like we did last time. i want solid reasons and i don't want you to shove other people in my face to help you move on. then again... who says you'll need any help at all this time. and who says how long this will last?