Thoughts after a long silence
I've been ignoring LJ for a few months now for multiple reasons--a need to get off the internet and explore my new life back here in the states, shame that I couldn't get a job, a lack of interesting happenings to write about. . . the list could go on forever. But mostly shame, I suppose. I feel like I did everything that people told me I was supposed to do to become a successful person, but even places like wal-mart weren't calling me back for interviews. You know, I graduated from a really good college, with really high grades, participated in and led a few clubs/intramural sports, presented papers at research conferences, studied abroad. And then I kind of went off the grid and moved to Asia. The years there don't look very good on a resume, but I absolutely needed them. My first years in Taiwan and Japan gave me cultural awareness, inner strength, confidence in myself--things I hadn't really had before. But my last year I knew I was beginning to stagnate there, everyday was beginning to feel exactly the same and I was no longer reaching out to try new things or learn new things.
I wavered a lot about coming home though. Maybe I just needed a new city, or a new country, I thought. Maybe I just needed a new job. And since I've been home I've often felt a small tinge of worry--maybe I made the wrong choice. After all, my life in Osaka was good. I made just enough money to never have to worry about money. I had a career (of sorts). I had friends and an apartment. And here? i have none of those things. I'm living in my old bedroom, pushed into a corner by all the boxes and old furniture my parents have stored in the room. I couldn't even find a minimum wage job. No car. No phone. No local friends. And it's been harder adjusting to N. Idaho than I ever imagined it would be. I just don't see things the same way anymore and everything I do comes attached with a memory of my formative adult years--so many of my "firsts" occurred in Taiwan and Japan, everything I do is shadowed by "remember that time in . . . "
And then I have to force myself to remember why I did eventually make the choice to come home. There was absolutely no fulfillment in my "career" as an English Teacher, constantly pushed aside when I'd ask one of my fellow teachers for something to do. They'd consistently reply with something like, "no, no this is your relax time!" I actually had a couple of co-workers tell me to go take a nap. During work. After work I'd go home and play on the internet. Maybe I'd meet up with my friend and we'd go to some restaurant, drink and commiserate over our do nothing jobs. I struggled to find a hobby, something to keep me sane, to make my life worth anything. I wrote articles for a few music magazines, a travel blog, but with the advent of my last job in Japan I began to fall into a lethargic, stressed mess. I stopped eating because it was too much work, started forgetting to shower more and more often. Couldn't convince myself to take the garbage out or make my bed or any of another million chores an adult should be able to perform.
I could pretend though. I've always been good at pretending.
But even that was beginning to be too much work. Too much effort. Why did I constantly have to pretend? Why couldn't anyone be happy with JUST me?
Because even I wasn't happy with me anymore.
So I came home.
And it wasn't any better. Except I lost all the props I used to pretend for so long. No more drinking parties, concerts, work, friends. Finally, it was just me.
Me.
And nothing.
I wallowed for a few months.
Then I dug in with my heels, a return of that stubbornness that constantly seems to surprise my acquaintances (I seem so easy going!?--mostly because I don't care about the same things they do, so I don't feel the need to be stubborn about it).
I had to regain the confidence I had lost with my constant failure as a teacher. It's generally thought that anyone with a BA degree can go to Asia and teach and the people will love you. And i couldn't do it. I had to find a new job every year because every year my company didn't want to keep me. I was good enough to not fire (until the last job where I finally gave up), but not good enough to keep. In a job that "anyone can do," I couldn't. And it's really hard to keep believing in yourself, that idea that 'you can do anything!' when obviously, you can't. Every time I apply for a job now, or thing about going to graduate school it's tainted by this feeling of inadequacy. I couldn't, so maybe they're right in not hiring me. Why do I even continue to bother? Obviously, I suck at life.
I've been trying to remind myself, daily, hourly, weekly, that hey, maybe you suck at teaching but there are other things you are good at.
I'm just not sure what those things are anymore.
In November I went to Seattle for a concert.
I wrote a novel.
I celebrated Christmas with my family.
I started applying to grad school (one on Long Island and one in BC) for an MA of Library and Information Sciences.
I got a job at a Call Center. (two things I hate the most talking to people and talking on the phone)
I started playing the piano again. (a very good sign)
I gained 40 lbs. (mom's cooking)
I lost 10 lbs. (new job)
I'm trying.
That's what 2014 is for me. Just trying.
I wavered a lot about coming home though. Maybe I just needed a new city, or a new country, I thought. Maybe I just needed a new job. And since I've been home I've often felt a small tinge of worry--maybe I made the wrong choice. After all, my life in Osaka was good. I made just enough money to never have to worry about money. I had a career (of sorts). I had friends and an apartment. And here? i have none of those things. I'm living in my old bedroom, pushed into a corner by all the boxes and old furniture my parents have stored in the room. I couldn't even find a minimum wage job. No car. No phone. No local friends. And it's been harder adjusting to N. Idaho than I ever imagined it would be. I just don't see things the same way anymore and everything I do comes attached with a memory of my formative adult years--so many of my "firsts" occurred in Taiwan and Japan, everything I do is shadowed by "remember that time in . . . "
And then I have to force myself to remember why I did eventually make the choice to come home. There was absolutely no fulfillment in my "career" as an English Teacher, constantly pushed aside when I'd ask one of my fellow teachers for something to do. They'd consistently reply with something like, "no, no this is your relax time!" I actually had a couple of co-workers tell me to go take a nap. During work. After work I'd go home and play on the internet. Maybe I'd meet up with my friend and we'd go to some restaurant, drink and commiserate over our do nothing jobs. I struggled to find a hobby, something to keep me sane, to make my life worth anything. I wrote articles for a few music magazines, a travel blog, but with the advent of my last job in Japan I began to fall into a lethargic, stressed mess. I stopped eating because it was too much work, started forgetting to shower more and more often. Couldn't convince myself to take the garbage out or make my bed or any of another million chores an adult should be able to perform.
I could pretend though. I've always been good at pretending.
But even that was beginning to be too much work. Too much effort. Why did I constantly have to pretend? Why couldn't anyone be happy with JUST me?
Because even I wasn't happy with me anymore.
So I came home.
And it wasn't any better. Except I lost all the props I used to pretend for so long. No more drinking parties, concerts, work, friends. Finally, it was just me.
Me.
And nothing.
I wallowed for a few months.
Then I dug in with my heels, a return of that stubbornness that constantly seems to surprise my acquaintances (I seem so easy going!?--mostly because I don't care about the same things they do, so I don't feel the need to be stubborn about it).
I had to regain the confidence I had lost with my constant failure as a teacher. It's generally thought that anyone with a BA degree can go to Asia and teach and the people will love you. And i couldn't do it. I had to find a new job every year because every year my company didn't want to keep me. I was good enough to not fire (until the last job where I finally gave up), but not good enough to keep. In a job that "anyone can do," I couldn't. And it's really hard to keep believing in yourself, that idea that 'you can do anything!' when obviously, you can't. Every time I apply for a job now, or thing about going to graduate school it's tainted by this feeling of inadequacy. I couldn't, so maybe they're right in not hiring me. Why do I even continue to bother? Obviously, I suck at life.
I've been trying to remind myself, daily, hourly, weekly, that hey, maybe you suck at teaching but there are other things you are good at.
I'm just not sure what those things are anymore.
In November I went to Seattle for a concert.
I wrote a novel.
I celebrated Christmas with my family.
I started applying to grad school (one on Long Island and one in BC) for an MA of Library and Information Sciences.
I got a job at a Call Center. (two things I hate the most talking to people and talking on the phone)
I started playing the piano again. (a very good sign)
I gained 40 lbs. (mom's cooking)
I lost 10 lbs. (new job)
I'm trying.
That's what 2014 is for me. Just trying.