Tonight...
I have been, yet again, letting my mind drive me insane. Tonight I have been thinking about women and how confusing they are. ESPECIALLY when it comes to loving them. Tonight my head managed to drag me from the ultimate high to the ultimate low that I have gone through within the past twelve months. Let me describe that to you.
First, the thought was a low, actually. It was fairly recent. Michelle was drinking and I had been drinking too. We had gone to Stagges with Kim. When the bar closed we drove to Waffle House to talk and sober up a bit. In the car on the way there, Michelle was giving me her usual, "I like you and think about you but I love Michelle and I am with her so I am going to compare you to her to make you seem worse for me than you are so I can feel better." kind of talk. Yes, and it does seem like that a lot. She concluded it with the line, "I hope we end up like the line your mom says, 'the best relationships are the ones you never really have.'" If you have ever had a conversation like that, you realize how much of a stab that is. It's kind of like giving someone your favorite sentimental item from your dead parent or friend and they break it then it burns up in the house fire they started to clean it up. I had gotten upset and wanted to say bluntly and painfully to her face that she was selfish and not taking her kids into consideration by staying with her addict of a girlfriend. So we went into Waffle House, I walked into the bathroom and sucked it up for a minute. I went out and she went in and it started to hit me. When that line sunk in I had to walk out to my car to "smoke a cigarette" so I could get away and contain my anger, frustration, and emotional distress from everyone. I actually cried over it. That's the first time I had lost my composure around her but she didn't notice. I felt the agony of being completely rejected, not just at that point but in general, every day. I wish honestly that she could just feel for five minutes what I feel so she would understand what it is like to watch this. I can't even handle getting into a relationship because my heart belongs to her. She doesn't see that nor do I have the balls to tell her. Even when I hate her guts when she gives me those talks my heart beats for her. I am in love even if she doesn't speak to me. She is perfect in every way to me.
Then, good thoughts came to mind. I don't think she remembers this but I do. I relive it in my head constantly because it gives me that glimpse of hope I need to stand strong and not break down. Another time she had been drinking at Stagges. We left and thought about driving around for a bit and so we decided to stop at my Grannys to pee. At the time my Grandmother had been in a nursing home so we had the house to ourselves. She was getting tired so we went up stairs and she laid down. We talked for what seemed like forever. About everything. Smoked a few cigarettes and just talked. She told me to lay down next to her and I was hesitant because I didn't want to cross a boundary. She finally demanded I lay next to her so I did. We talked some more then she asked if I would get all weird if she wrapped her arm around me. I said no so she did resting her hand on my hip. I was so comfortable. It was like time slowed down almost to a stop and I could feel my heart slowly pound in my chest. It was almost overwhelming. I told her to scoot over after a few minutes because I was getting closer and closer to the edge of the bed. She rolled over and so I wrapped my arm over her, tucking my hand under her tummy to hold her as close as I could. She started to run her fingers up and down my arm resting her elbow against mine.Eventually she started to play with my hand and my fingertips as we talked. I can honestly say I have never ever felt so in love in my life. I wanted to tell her so bad. Maybe just kiss her and look her in the eye again so I could tell her she was so beautiful to me. I held back as I always do. This went on for what seemed like hours. She started to fall asleep so I wrapped my arm around her again and tucked my hand under her tummy again. She wrapped her feet and legs in mine and rested her arm and hand on mine to almost hold me tighter against her. I wanted to almost cry because I knew that I might not be able to ever feel exactly like that again. I know I still haven't yet. She Woke up the next morning and got up quickly and I jumped up like something horrible had happened the night before. It was daylight out and she had to get home fast because her kids had to be at school and they would have caught the bus earlier. It was almost nine in the morning. We haven't mentioned that night since it happened. I think she blocked it out of her head. I can't do that. I can't let a memory like that go. Honestly, I haven't let a single memory I have with her go. There isn't a single day that passes that I don't remember some of. Well, not with her at least.
I also remember times that I have looked over at her and thought about telling her she is beautiful. Telling her that I love her and I mean it as way more than a friendly "I love ya!" I don't even say I love you to her as a friend. I may say to someone else that I love her to death but I mean it in a way that no one comprehends. Everyone seems to think it is in a friendly context, however, I say it in a way that if she really knew, she would see. I cannot believe that the other night she mentioned that her girlfriend is the only one who has ever given her fifteen percent of her time. I wish I could explain that she gets all my time. Her and her children take up all my time because if I am not there, I am truly thinking about them. About their well-being down to what they might like from this place or that place or even what I can do to show her how I want to be there for not only her but her kids too.
I feel almost like she is testing me. Like with Jordan. Or by asking me to do things. I want to tell her that I am comfortable with it but that I am so scared of fucking up. I don't want to fuck up because I don't want one more thing for her to compare me to her girlfriend with. I don't want to fuck up because I want her in my life. I don't want to fuck up because I want her to know that I can handle this. I don't want to fuck up because I want her to know that I listen, that I am willing to try anything, and that I want her to trust me. I don't want to fuck up because I am not as young in maturity as the number attached to my life span. I don't want to fuck up because I don't want her to judge me nor rule me out. I want her to be able to look at me and tell me that I have been the best person in her world. I want her to be able to look at me and believe me when I grow the balls to tell her that I am in love with her and it eats at me. That I am so in love it hurts and it wont go away. That it effects everything I do but that I cannot leave because that hurts so much worse than staying. I want her to believe me when I tell her that she is beautiful and perfect in every way, but most of all, that I am so in love with her that I cannot get past it. It has been over a year and I cannot get her out of my heart, out of my head, nor out of my emotion. I can't handle losing her. My very own heart beats for her smile. As long as she is happy, I can breathe for a minute. I want her to know that she effects EVERYTHING I do because I love her with everything I possibly have in me. I refuse to lose my composure because she deserves my strength. I need her because when I don't have her around I am a mess. I get lost and my mind goes in circles trying to figure out why this hurts so bad. Now I know. I know what love is. I feel it every time I hear her children laugh and every time I hear her voice. I feel it when I smell her hair product or see her excited. I feel it when I get a text from her or get a chance to touch her. I feel it and every time I do, I can't help but hold back the tears I want to cry because for five seconds I am melting inside. For five seconds my world slows almost to a stop, I feel my heart pound slowly in my chest, I take a deep breath, like a sigh of relief and I smile knowing that this is when I am happy. When she is happy, I am happy. I get a moment to have my sigh of relief knowing that there is something out there that knows I need this. That she deserves this. That I love her. I am eternally grateful for every second I get to spend with her and her family. They are all perfect.
First, the thought was a low, actually. It was fairly recent. Michelle was drinking and I had been drinking too. We had gone to Stagges with Kim. When the bar closed we drove to Waffle House to talk and sober up a bit. In the car on the way there, Michelle was giving me her usual, "I like you and think about you but I love Michelle and I am with her so I am going to compare you to her to make you seem worse for me than you are so I can feel better." kind of talk. Yes, and it does seem like that a lot. She concluded it with the line, "I hope we end up like the line your mom says, 'the best relationships are the ones you never really have.'" If you have ever had a conversation like that, you realize how much of a stab that is. It's kind of like giving someone your favorite sentimental item from your dead parent or friend and they break it then it burns up in the house fire they started to clean it up. I had gotten upset and wanted to say bluntly and painfully to her face that she was selfish and not taking her kids into consideration by staying with her addict of a girlfriend. So we went into Waffle House, I walked into the bathroom and sucked it up for a minute. I went out and she went in and it started to hit me. When that line sunk in I had to walk out to my car to "smoke a cigarette" so I could get away and contain my anger, frustration, and emotional distress from everyone. I actually cried over it. That's the first time I had lost my composure around her but she didn't notice. I felt the agony of being completely rejected, not just at that point but in general, every day. I wish honestly that she could just feel for five minutes what I feel so she would understand what it is like to watch this. I can't even handle getting into a relationship because my heart belongs to her. She doesn't see that nor do I have the balls to tell her. Even when I hate her guts when she gives me those talks my heart beats for her. I am in love even if she doesn't speak to me. She is perfect in every way to me.
Then, good thoughts came to mind. I don't think she remembers this but I do. I relive it in my head constantly because it gives me that glimpse of hope I need to stand strong and not break down. Another time she had been drinking at Stagges. We left and thought about driving around for a bit and so we decided to stop at my Grannys to pee. At the time my Grandmother had been in a nursing home so we had the house to ourselves. She was getting tired so we went up stairs and she laid down. We talked for what seemed like forever. About everything. Smoked a few cigarettes and just talked. She told me to lay down next to her and I was hesitant because I didn't want to cross a boundary. She finally demanded I lay next to her so I did. We talked some more then she asked if I would get all weird if she wrapped her arm around me. I said no so she did resting her hand on my hip. I was so comfortable. It was like time slowed down almost to a stop and I could feel my heart slowly pound in my chest. It was almost overwhelming. I told her to scoot over after a few minutes because I was getting closer and closer to the edge of the bed. She rolled over and so I wrapped my arm over her, tucking my hand under her tummy to hold her as close as I could. She started to run her fingers up and down my arm resting her elbow against mine.Eventually she started to play with my hand and my fingertips as we talked. I can honestly say I have never ever felt so in love in my life. I wanted to tell her so bad. Maybe just kiss her and look her in the eye again so I could tell her she was so beautiful to me. I held back as I always do. This went on for what seemed like hours. She started to fall asleep so I wrapped my arm around her again and tucked my hand under her tummy again. She wrapped her feet and legs in mine and rested her arm and hand on mine to almost hold me tighter against her. I wanted to almost cry because I knew that I might not be able to ever feel exactly like that again. I know I still haven't yet. She Woke up the next morning and got up quickly and I jumped up like something horrible had happened the night before. It was daylight out and she had to get home fast because her kids had to be at school and they would have caught the bus earlier. It was almost nine in the morning. We haven't mentioned that night since it happened. I think she blocked it out of her head. I can't do that. I can't let a memory like that go. Honestly, I haven't let a single memory I have with her go. There isn't a single day that passes that I don't remember some of. Well, not with her at least.
I also remember times that I have looked over at her and thought about telling her she is beautiful. Telling her that I love her and I mean it as way more than a friendly "I love ya!" I don't even say I love you to her as a friend. I may say to someone else that I love her to death but I mean it in a way that no one comprehends. Everyone seems to think it is in a friendly context, however, I say it in a way that if she really knew, she would see. I cannot believe that the other night she mentioned that her girlfriend is the only one who has ever given her fifteen percent of her time. I wish I could explain that she gets all my time. Her and her children take up all my time because if I am not there, I am truly thinking about them. About their well-being down to what they might like from this place or that place or even what I can do to show her how I want to be there for not only her but her kids too.
I feel almost like she is testing me. Like with Jordan. Or by asking me to do things. I want to tell her that I am comfortable with it but that I am so scared of fucking up. I don't want to fuck up because I don't want one more thing for her to compare me to her girlfriend with. I don't want to fuck up because I want her in my life. I don't want to fuck up because I want her to know that I can handle this. I don't want to fuck up because I want her to know that I listen, that I am willing to try anything, and that I want her to trust me. I don't want to fuck up because I am not as young in maturity as the number attached to my life span. I don't want to fuck up because I don't want her to judge me nor rule me out. I want her to be able to look at me and tell me that I have been the best person in her world. I want her to be able to look at me and believe me when I grow the balls to tell her that I am in love with her and it eats at me. That I am so in love it hurts and it wont go away. That it effects everything I do but that I cannot leave because that hurts so much worse than staying. I want her to believe me when I tell her that she is beautiful and perfect in every way, but most of all, that I am so in love with her that I cannot get past it. It has been over a year and I cannot get her out of my heart, out of my head, nor out of my emotion. I can't handle losing her. My very own heart beats for her smile. As long as she is happy, I can breathe for a minute. I want her to know that she effects EVERYTHING I do because I love her with everything I possibly have in me. I refuse to lose my composure because she deserves my strength. I need her because when I don't have her around I am a mess. I get lost and my mind goes in circles trying to figure out why this hurts so bad. Now I know. I know what love is. I feel it every time I hear her children laugh and every time I hear her voice. I feel it when I smell her hair product or see her excited. I feel it when I get a text from her or get a chance to touch her. I feel it and every time I do, I can't help but hold back the tears I want to cry because for five seconds I am melting inside. For five seconds my world slows almost to a stop, I feel my heart pound slowly in my chest, I take a deep breath, like a sigh of relief and I smile knowing that this is when I am happy. When she is happy, I am happy. I get a moment to have my sigh of relief knowing that there is something out there that knows I need this. That she deserves this. That I love her. I am eternally grateful for every second I get to spend with her and her family. They are all perfect.