Don't be reasonable!
The other day I wrote about being reasonable. I don't often find situations where I need to be reasonable (outside of work, which is another story entirely), but when they do pop up it's not unusual for me to "reasonable" myself into an unpleasant spot. Usually there's a boiled frog nature to the situation, and I don't realize how hot it is until it's boiling.
As a side note, I think that situations where you can't act on how you feel make it harder to realize how you feel. Say "the unspeakable becomes unthinkable" or call it cognitive dissonance; in any case it's hard/painful to be acutely aware of something you can't do anything about, and something tends to give. Maybe you burst out and do something you shouldn't, or maybe the awareness of the problem fades below consciousness.
The other day I realized that I do best in such situations when I'm just a little bit angry. Actually anger isn't quite the right word, it's more like the positive, productive version of anger. Let's say "positive agitation." I'm not upset enough to be stupid or irrational, but enough to engage the problem, be assertive and insist that my limits are respected.
Often what happens is that some event related to the situation will make me truly angry, initially. Next I realize that I could continue to "be reasonable", but that things are bothering me enough that I should't do that any more. At that point I try to move from anger to positive agitation. (It's amazingly counterproductive to work on problems when you're truly angry, and I try hard not to do that.) The agitation keeps me focused on the fact that there is a problem, but without the baggage of defensive or knee-jerk responses that true anger brings.
Anger and "positive agitation" are actually very close together neurochemically, the difference being 5HT (serotonin). malabar pointed out that 5HT is often a secondary or modulating neurotransmitter, and I keep coming back to that thought. In my model 5HT "steers" the same basic (NE-ergic?) energy between anger/rage/impulsiveness (low 5HT) and "positive agitation"/assertiveness/euphoria (high 5HT). In excess it damps that energy out entirely... I guess the model can't be too simple or it would've been agreed on long ago, eh?
Maybe instead of positive agitation I could call it "calm anger"? Or would that sound too Sith-y? ;)
As a side note, I think that situations where you can't act on how you feel make it harder to realize how you feel. Say "the unspeakable becomes unthinkable" or call it cognitive dissonance; in any case it's hard/painful to be acutely aware of something you can't do anything about, and something tends to give. Maybe you burst out and do something you shouldn't, or maybe the awareness of the problem fades below consciousness.
The other day I realized that I do best in such situations when I'm just a little bit angry. Actually anger isn't quite the right word, it's more like the positive, productive version of anger. Let's say "positive agitation." I'm not upset enough to be stupid or irrational, but enough to engage the problem, be assertive and insist that my limits are respected.
Often what happens is that some event related to the situation will make me truly angry, initially. Next I realize that I could continue to "be reasonable", but that things are bothering me enough that I should't do that any more. At that point I try to move from anger to positive agitation. (It's amazingly counterproductive to work on problems when you're truly angry, and I try hard not to do that.) The agitation keeps me focused on the fact that there is a problem, but without the baggage of defensive or knee-jerk responses that true anger brings.
Anger and "positive agitation" are actually very close together neurochemically, the difference being 5HT (serotonin). malabar pointed out that 5HT is often a secondary or modulating neurotransmitter, and I keep coming back to that thought. In my model 5HT "steers" the same basic (NE-ergic?) energy between anger/rage/impulsiveness (low 5HT) and "positive agitation"/assertiveness/euphoria (high 5HT). In excess it damps that energy out entirely... I guess the model can't be too simple or it would've been agreed on long ago, eh?
Maybe instead of positive agitation I could call it "calm anger"? Or would that sound too Sith-y? ;)