pairechallenge #14: Flying - 'Fear of Flying'
Title: Fear of flying
Author:
nmidian - Nick Midian
Characters: Peter & Claire
Challenge: Challenge #14: Flying - at
pairechallenge
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Set in a hopefully not too distant but undeterminated future. No spoilers. Claire is 18.
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There’s nothing I’d like better
Than to fall
“Fear,” Sarah McLachlan
When all it’s been said and done, Claire falls silent and waits for my answer. She stands in front of me, so tall, so powerful, so beautiful and hopeful I feel like drowning in all the emotions shinning in her green eyes.
I don’t answer her. I don’t say anything. I can’t.
I’m paralyzed. Suddenly petrified like I am being turned into a statue made of salt.
Fear creeps into me, unbidden, uncalled, unwelcome. It crawls into my soul and wraps its spider-like legs around my heart. Fills me with an ice thousands of times colder than the one Sylar was ever able to conjure with his stolen powers.
I see my own doubt starting to be reflected in her face as the seconds tick by and my silence continues. I don’t need to read her thoughts to know she is starting to think she might have done a mistake, that somehow she has been wrong about her and myself all through these years.
I don’t want her smile to falter. I want to tell her she’s not wrong about us. I want to tell her so many things. But the proverbial cat has gotten my tongue. Chewed and swallowed it whole.
And for the life of me, I can’t explain where my indecision is coming from.
It’s not like I don’t want this. It’s not like I haven’t been waiting for this, it seems, all my life.
All my life.
Because it’s been long since I realized my life started for real not the day I was born, but the day I came across Claire Bennet. The moment I bumped against her in a deserted high school hallway in the now distant Texas.
That day, that moment, I felt alive, really alive, for the first time ever in my life. So much I gladly gave my life for her. So much I would have given it one thousand times more if she had asked me to.
Why can’t I tell her exactly that, then? Why don’t I take her into my arms and hold her like I’ve always wanted and never been allowed to now that I can? Why can’t I fly her into cloudless skies and into the warmth of the rising sun?
It’s not like there’s anything stopping us anymore. It’s not like we’ve not broken all the boundaries, freed ourselves from the lies of our elders and found the shinning truth lying underneath.
We’ve fought hard and long for this, even when we never dared to even acknowledge to ourselves what we were really aiming for. All these years - less than they feel, for they have been so long and intense, so full of pain and terror but also of joy and wonder - we’ve been fighting a nameless war against faceless enemies and against each other and our feelings.
Were we, was I too successful?
While we struggled to tear the web of endless lies, to uncover the truths that would make us free, did I go one step too far? While we crawled through invisible battlefields, sometimes losing, sometimes - the important ones, I want to believe - winning, did I lose sight of what I was really trying to accomplish?
God knows we’ve never said it aloud until now. We’ve never dared to speak of the connection - special, unique - between us. We’ve never given a name to it, scared that the guilt and shame assotiated to it and our condition would destroy it. Instead we’ve made a warm blanket out of it and wrapped ourselves with it, wishing it was an armor that’d protected us from the kind of harm only ourselves could cause.
We’ve never said ‘I love you’ to each other, so we have let our actions speak louder than our voices. We’ve been there for each other, saved our mutual lives uncountable times and tried to make of the world a better place in the process. All the while wishing that our time would come, that a miracle would bring us together in the way we’ve always wanted so much we couldn’t even express it with words.
Did I let the fantasy become stronger than reality at some point? Did it turn so powerful and comfortable that once given the chance of reaching out and grabbing it, it scares me to lose the security of what I already have?
All I know is that I can’t shake the what-if’s and the what-not’s off. All that I know is that I’m so afraid of flying because it terrifies me to let her fall. All that I know is that I’m so scared to lose her that I’m about to exactly do that.
But, what if? What if I’m not good enough for her? What if I’m as weak as my mother believed me to be? What if I end up hurting her, so much I lose her for good? What if I can’t be the hero she needs and deserves?
I want to say that I love her too, that I’ve always loved her and I’ll always will. I want to say so many things now that we can be free from the shame and the guilt, but the words won’t come out.
My throat chokes. My eyes fill with tears.
I want her so much to know. That she is my rock and my sword. That she is my shield and my flag. That for all the power burning in each cell of my body and in every spiral of my DNA, I would be helpless if not for her. That she is what gives me strength and hope. That I wake up for her and breath for her.
That it’s for her that I live, and that without her nothing means anything.
But I can’t, and I try to plead with my eyes for her to understand.
I don’t think I’m strong enough.
And then, when all hope seems to be lost, it’s her who once more saves me from myself.
Claire reaches for me, her petite hand holding mine, her lips smiling her sad little smile. Her eyes so full of love.
Eyes that are so old and young at the same time. So wide and innocent, yet so wise and understanding. The eyes of Claire, who is sixteen going onto sixty.
And I realize I don’t really need to say anything. That she already knows, always has. That if I can’t be strong, she’ll be for the two of us. That if I can’t find hope, she will search the world for it until she finds and brings it to me. That if I ever fall, she will be the one to pick me up. That she will be my hero, whenever the weight of the world becomes too heavy on my shoulders.
And fear crawls away, its darkness vanishing under the light of our love. My doubts are shattered by the mere touch of her fingertips and even the shame of ever questioning the sincerity of our feelings for each other, of ever daring to think that this - that us - could be anything less than perfect, is blown away by the gale of her passion.
In her strength, I find strength. In her hope, I find my own. In her love, I find my wings.
Our lips meet, slow and tender. The burning taste of her mouth mixes with the salty one of my tears. I hold her in my arms, and feel her wrapping hers around me. Her fire melts the ice encasing my heart, and my whole body explodes with the feeling of freedom and joy that comes from realizing that I love and I am being loved by Claire Bennet.
And we soar into the sky.
Together, as we were always meant to be.
All the fear has left me now
I’m not frightened anymore
It´s my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
It’s my mouth that pushes out this breath
And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it
I won’t fear love
And if I feel a rage I won’t deny it
I won’t fear love...
“Fumbling towards ecstasy,” Sarah McLachlan
Author:
nmidian - Nick Midian
Characters: Peter & Claire
Challenge: Challenge #14: Flying - at
pairechallenge
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Set in a hopefully not too distant but undeterminated future. No spoilers. Claire is 18.
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There’s nothing I’d like better
Than to fall
“Fear,” Sarah McLachlan
When all it’s been said and done, Claire falls silent and waits for my answer. She stands in front of me, so tall, so powerful, so beautiful and hopeful I feel like drowning in all the emotions shinning in her green eyes.
I don’t answer her. I don’t say anything. I can’t.
I’m paralyzed. Suddenly petrified like I am being turned into a statue made of salt.
Fear creeps into me, unbidden, uncalled, unwelcome. It crawls into my soul and wraps its spider-like legs around my heart. Fills me with an ice thousands of times colder than the one Sylar was ever able to conjure with his stolen powers.
I see my own doubt starting to be reflected in her face as the seconds tick by and my silence continues. I don’t need to read her thoughts to know she is starting to think she might have done a mistake, that somehow she has been wrong about her and myself all through these years.
I don’t want her smile to falter. I want to tell her she’s not wrong about us. I want to tell her so many things. But the proverbial cat has gotten my tongue. Chewed and swallowed it whole.
And for the life of me, I can’t explain where my indecision is coming from.
It’s not like I don’t want this. It’s not like I haven’t been waiting for this, it seems, all my life.
All my life.
Because it’s been long since I realized my life started for real not the day I was born, but the day I came across Claire Bennet. The moment I bumped against her in a deserted high school hallway in the now distant Texas.
That day, that moment, I felt alive, really alive, for the first time ever in my life. So much I gladly gave my life for her. So much I would have given it one thousand times more if she had asked me to.
Why can’t I tell her exactly that, then? Why don’t I take her into my arms and hold her like I’ve always wanted and never been allowed to now that I can? Why can’t I fly her into cloudless skies and into the warmth of the rising sun?
It’s not like there’s anything stopping us anymore. It’s not like we’ve not broken all the boundaries, freed ourselves from the lies of our elders and found the shinning truth lying underneath.
We’ve fought hard and long for this, even when we never dared to even acknowledge to ourselves what we were really aiming for. All these years - less than they feel, for they have been so long and intense, so full of pain and terror but also of joy and wonder - we’ve been fighting a nameless war against faceless enemies and against each other and our feelings.
Were we, was I too successful?
While we struggled to tear the web of endless lies, to uncover the truths that would make us free, did I go one step too far? While we crawled through invisible battlefields, sometimes losing, sometimes - the important ones, I want to believe - winning, did I lose sight of what I was really trying to accomplish?
God knows we’ve never said it aloud until now. We’ve never dared to speak of the connection - special, unique - between us. We’ve never given a name to it, scared that the guilt and shame assotiated to it and our condition would destroy it. Instead we’ve made a warm blanket out of it and wrapped ourselves with it, wishing it was an armor that’d protected us from the kind of harm only ourselves could cause.
We’ve never said ‘I love you’ to each other, so we have let our actions speak louder than our voices. We’ve been there for each other, saved our mutual lives uncountable times and tried to make of the world a better place in the process. All the while wishing that our time would come, that a miracle would bring us together in the way we’ve always wanted so much we couldn’t even express it with words.
Did I let the fantasy become stronger than reality at some point? Did it turn so powerful and comfortable that once given the chance of reaching out and grabbing it, it scares me to lose the security of what I already have?
All I know is that I can’t shake the what-if’s and the what-not’s off. All that I know is that I’m so afraid of flying because it terrifies me to let her fall. All that I know is that I’m so scared to lose her that I’m about to exactly do that.
But, what if? What if I’m not good enough for her? What if I’m as weak as my mother believed me to be? What if I end up hurting her, so much I lose her for good? What if I can’t be the hero she needs and deserves?
I want to say that I love her too, that I’ve always loved her and I’ll always will. I want to say so many things now that we can be free from the shame and the guilt, but the words won’t come out.
My throat chokes. My eyes fill with tears.
I want her so much to know. That she is my rock and my sword. That she is my shield and my flag. That for all the power burning in each cell of my body and in every spiral of my DNA, I would be helpless if not for her. That she is what gives me strength and hope. That I wake up for her and breath for her.
That it’s for her that I live, and that without her nothing means anything.
But I can’t, and I try to plead with my eyes for her to understand.
I don’t think I’m strong enough.
And then, when all hope seems to be lost, it’s her who once more saves me from myself.
Claire reaches for me, her petite hand holding mine, her lips smiling her sad little smile. Her eyes so full of love.
Eyes that are so old and young at the same time. So wide and innocent, yet so wise and understanding. The eyes of Claire, who is sixteen going onto sixty.
And I realize I don’t really need to say anything. That she already knows, always has. That if I can’t be strong, she’ll be for the two of us. That if I can’t find hope, she will search the world for it until she finds and brings it to me. That if I ever fall, she will be the one to pick me up. That she will be my hero, whenever the weight of the world becomes too heavy on my shoulders.
And fear crawls away, its darkness vanishing under the light of our love. My doubts are shattered by the mere touch of her fingertips and even the shame of ever questioning the sincerity of our feelings for each other, of ever daring to think that this - that us - could be anything less than perfect, is blown away by the gale of her passion.
In her strength, I find strength. In her hope, I find my own. In her love, I find my wings.
Our lips meet, slow and tender. The burning taste of her mouth mixes with the salty one of my tears. I hold her in my arms, and feel her wrapping hers around me. Her fire melts the ice encasing my heart, and my whole body explodes with the feeling of freedom and joy that comes from realizing that I love and I am being loved by Claire Bennet.
And we soar into the sky.
Together, as we were always meant to be.
All the fear has left me now
I’m not frightened anymore
It´s my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
It’s my mouth that pushes out this breath
And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it
I won’t fear love
And if I feel a rage I won’t deny it
I won’t fear love...
“Fumbling towards ecstasy,” Sarah McLachlan