SGA/Farscape: Man Made Heaven (PG), John/Rodney.

[laytoncolt]

"Welcome to the electronic junk heap of the Universe. I'm John Crichton, and I'll be your tour guide."



(note: I started out writing this story for the request post, but it became more of an exercise in atmosphere than a real story. I had it nearly finished ages ago, but real life drama left it sitting forgotten on my hard drive. I stumbled across it again and thought I should post, even though the requester probably no longer remembers the request! So sorry for taking so long, kazbaby)

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It hit him like a wave.

He had been walking beside Todd through the Wraith ship, when Todd had grinned strangely and pressed something against his neck. He remembered seeing Rodney through the doorway just before, and he'd been laughing at something Radek had said. The pulse nearly threw him off his feet, reverberating like ripples in a lake until the last one stretches out and disappears.

Then he was floating away, much farther than he had ever been.

That's the last he remembers of his life before.

- - - - -

"Hey, buddy, you alright?"

Sheppard's mind was a mess. The world around him was blurring, the way it had when he walked through the gate that first time-walking through water. He went to breathe but took no air in. He could not hear his heartbeat.

"Like a kick in the head, ain't it? I remember first coming here, it's a hell of a ride, but you're alright. Just take a microt."

Sheppard focused on the voice. A man about his age was leaning down, to the side instead of forward, so he was twisted strangely and almost upside down. He was smiling though, and he was human. Or seemed to be. Sheppard knew better than to think he knew for sure.

"Where am I?" he asked.

"Welcome to the electronic junk heap of the Universe. I'm John Crichton, and I'll be your tour guide."

"Huh?" Sheppard blinked and tried to focus. He got to his feet and was surprised to find he wasn't sore or tired at all. His vision was clearing, too, though he wasn't sure he believed what he saw.

There seemed to be no real horizon, just endless fields of golden wheat, and blue skies. It was far too beautiful to be real. Sheppard had never trusted perfection.

"Am I dead?" Sheppard demanded.

"You're quick, aren't you?" Crichton asked, and laughed while shaking his head. "That's closer to the mark than most get, but no, you're not dead. You can't be. You weren't ever alive."

Sheppard frowned and glanced around again, then he turned to glare at Crichton. "I'm not in the mood for games," he snapped. "Where the hell is this place? Where's Todd? He plan this?"

"Todd?" Crichton asked, scrunching his face. "Look, I don't know any Todd. But you're not real, you know that right? Please tell me you know that. Because the programs here that think they're real boys are very very annoying."

"Programs?" Sheppard said slowly.

"Yeah, or some variation of one, anyway," Crichton said. "Me, I'm a neural clone. A psychotic Peacekeeper made a copy of me so he'd have someone to talk to. I was like his own personal Jiminy Cricket. Or maybe I was Pinocchio, and he was Stromboli. Or-"

"Or maybe you should give up on the Pinocchio metaphor," Sheppard suggested. "I don't know how I got here, but I'm real, okay? John Sheppard. I'm a pilot. I was on a Wraith ship, we were-"

"Great, so you are one of those," Crichton said. "You need to understand, one of two things happened. Either you're a copy of someone, like me, or you were programmed to think you were real. But you're not. Trust me on this. This whole place isn't real. There's no air. No food. If we were flesh and blood we'd be dead."

Sheppard shut his eyes as a memory flashed behind his eyes. He saw Todd walking across a grid, glowing lines over black like something from Tron. Todd smiled and said, now, you will tell me all I wish to know.

Sheppard gasped. Even then, he thought he was a prisoner, but now he understood. Todd had held up that device and made a copy of his consciousness-the real John Sheppard had just kept walking, and hadn't felt a thing. It was Ancient technology. Rodney had been experimenting with something similar before the lab had been lost in an explosion. Rodney had been inconsolable at the loss for about a day, until his next big discovery distracted him.

He had no idea how Todd had gotten his hands on it, but somehow he wasn't surprised. He still wasn't sure what he had hoped to accomplish by it, because Sheppard had refused to tell him anything, and out of frustration, Todd had erased him from the ship's computer.

"Right," he said slowly. "So I'm a copy."

"Oh, thank god," Crichton said. "Sometimes I have to have to explain this like three hundred times and they still don't get it."

"So that makes this what? Some kind of artificial intelligence heaven?" Sheppard asked.

"Don't be ridiculous," Crichton said. "It's just…like, a kind of pocket in the vacuum, where errant soundwaves and signals get trapped and can coalesce."

"So…artificial intelligence heaven?" Sheppard asked again.

"If you prefer," Crichton allowed. "I'm not sure exactly how we got here. If you want answers, you should go see the Wizard of Oz."

"There are other people here?" Sheppard asked.

"Well, not people, but others, sure. Millions. Thousands of them are probably even sentient. Some are dumb as a doornail. I once had a three-hour conversation with a self-esteem bot without even realizing it. He just kept saying 'yes' and 'you're so smart' and 'you're the most amazing person I've ever met.' I was feeling really great about myself until the Wizard told me that's all he ever says."

"There really is a Wizard?" Sheppard asked.

"Well, that's just what I call him," Crichton said. "I don't know his real name. He doesn't talk to me much because he thinks I'm damaged, but I'm pretty sure I’m not the problem. He's not all there, if you know what I mean. He left the city awhile ago ranting about how he was going to build a palace."

"Right," Sheppard said frowning, and he wondered if anyone in this place was 'all there.' He glanced around then, wondering if maybe these others were imaginary in any case. There was nothing in sight. "Where's this city then?"

"Oh, right," Crichton said. "This is just where the new programs always appear. The Wizard calls it Eden, but I call it Kansas."

Sheppard straightened up, suddenly realizing the significance of this, as well as the references to Pinocchio and Oz. "Then you're both from Earth?"

"You too?" Crichton asked, grinning. "What is it about us humans, then, I wonder? Can't get enough of ourselves, we have to have backups. Yeah, I'm guessing he's from Earth, but not for awhile, because he knows too much. Then again, I suppose I don't really know what's changed since I was last there myself."

Crichton turned around and pushed in the air. A door swung open right in the middle of the sky, and through the opening Sheppard could see a city so vast that it could rival even Atlantis. Unlike Atlantis, though, this city was teeming with people and, for a better word, things. It was full of motion and light. Altantis in the glory days.

"Welcome to Utopia," Crichton said wryly.

Sheppard stepped out of Kansas and the door behind him disappeared. When he looked back the field was gone. Crichton noticed his confusion. "The doors are only there when you want them," he explained.

It wasn't much of an explanation, but Sheppard didn't ask for further clarification. He had more important things to worry about. He glanced up at the highest spirals of the city. "This looks like Ancient design," he said.

Crichton frowned at him. "That's what the Wizard says," he said. "He told me it's some bit of left over programming from one of their sleeper ships, whatever that means. It doesn't look Ancient to me, but then we've had disagreements about just who they were."

Sheppard turned to him in interest. "I never thought I'd say this, but let's go see the Wizard."

Crichton laughed. "Wish I could take you, but like I said, he left. No one's seen him for awhile, and I'm not sure I'd know where to look. There's a lot to see right here though, and he's bound to show up eventually."

Crichton led the way. John lived in a beautiful floating city, or at least, his actual self did, so he was perhaps not as impressed as he should have been with the sights he saw. Crichton too seemed used to it, and raced up the staircase without bothering to stop and take in the views.

"Where are we going?" Sheppard demanded.

"To the top," Crichton asked. "Newcomers always want to see the top. It gives you a whole view of…well, all there is. You decide where we go from there."

Sheppard followed him more slowly. He noticed security cameras hidden absurdly in the ceilings, and frowned as one of them followed his progress across the floor. "Who's running this place?" Sheppard asked.

"No one," Crichton said. "It's anarchy, but there's not that much damage we can do, so we mostly get along. Every once and awhile you hear about a dragon attack or something, but the victims just appear back in Kansas, unharmed."

"Dragon attacks," Sheppard echoed.

"Sure," Crichton said. "There's a strangely disproportionate amount of dragons here, but don't worry, like I said, you can't die if you're not alive."

"Why don't I find that comforting?" Sheppard asked.

"Because you still think you're human," Crichton said. "It happens to all of us, you know, the ones that once were. We think we lived these lives that belong to someone else, and it's not easy to let go of them."

"How did you do it?" Sheppard asked quietly, thinking of his last glimpse of Rodney, laughing in that room.

"Oh, I haven't done it," Crichton said easily. "I still wake up from nightmares that have nothing to do with me."

"Then you still sleep?" he asked.

"You can if you want," Crichton said. "You don't have to, but just like with people, we get worn down. It's good to slow down for a bit and reboot, or you end up a little mad, like the Wizard. I'm pretty sure he hasn't slept since he got here."

"But what do you do here?" Sheppard asked.

"Well, I'm the tour guide, like I said," Crichton told him. "I introduce new programs to the world and try to get them settled in. But it's a job I assigned myself. You can do absolutely anything you like. You can find a room somewhere or sweet talk a replicator into building you a new one. There's a library here that's just amazing, books from all across the universe, and they arrange themselves to whatever language you want."

"Hold up-you have replicators here?" Sheppard demanded.

"A couple, every now and then. Don't worry, they're mostly harmless, though you don't want to piss them off," Crichton said. "They're the only ones that can, you know, replicate stuff. We'd run out of rooms if not for them."

Crichton stopped and pushed Sheppard against the wall, just in time to get out of the way of a large blue one-eyed creature. "Hiya, Bob," Crichton said, and Bob grunted in acknowledgement and went on his way. "That was Bob. You'll be wanting to stay away from him," Crichton advised, grabbing Sheppard's sleeve to continue dragging him to the top.

"Where did all these things come from?" Sheppard asked.

"Who knows?" Crichton said. "The Wizard thinks some of them are from video games on Earth or similar things from other planets, and though it pains me, I agree with him. Then there's the utility bots-workers, soldiers, advisers, computers, auto-pilots and every once and awhile a true A.I. or a copy like us. There's also a lot of stray programming that slips in. Every once and awhile a tree will pop up where there wasn't one before, or maybe a herd of wildebeest will appear in the middle of the galley. Things like that."

"And there's no way out?" Sheppard asked.

"Not in the way you mean," Crichton said. "You can leave here, of course. The Wizard did. I'm pretty sure if you started walking you could walk forever without ever hitting a wall, but it's barren out there, un-coded. Mostly if you want to stay sane, you don't have any choice but to live here, or close by. But if you ever do get lost out there, you can always make a door, and come right back."

Crichton took the last steps three at a time and then spun around with his arms held out. "And here we are," he said. "You can see it all from here, and pick where you'd like to be."

Sheppard stepped out onto the tower roof. There were vast cities all around them, just as large as the one he stood in, though their surroundings differed greatly. One was in the middle of a desert, and one was covered with ice. There was a jungle and a lagoon, a river running through all of them with ships large as any he had seen in space. Some of them were old fashioned with sails, and some were black iron and powered by jets, cutting through the water like a blade.

"There's something for everyone," Crichton said. "But the place you choose doesn't have to be forever. Personally, I've lived in all of these cities at least once. I only lasted a day in the ice palace, though. Even though I know programs can't exactly catch frost bite, I didn't feel like tempting fate."

"What's that over there?" Sheppard asked, pointing to the North.

"There's nothing over there," Crichton said. "It's un-coded."

"It looks like something to me," Sheppard said.

Crichton walked over to join him. There was a forest there with trees as large as the city's towers, and a palace in a clearing just beyond them. It was built from cool grey stones, and the stained glass on all the windows flickered like gems as the simulated sun washed over them. "Well, that's new," Crichton said. "It wasn't there yesterday."

Something in the clearing was moving, and before they could quite register it, it was coming towards them at incredible speed. Crichton and Sheppard stumbled back on the roof as it pulled to a sudden stop right in front of them, and they both crashed to the ground at the impact.

"Puddle-jumper," Sheppard whispered reverently.

Crichton threw him a glance before climbing to his knees. It was some kind of ship, though it was unlike any Crichton had seen. The door lifted up, and a man walked out, head held high, arms crossed over his chest, and grinning rather smugly.

Crichton almost laughed. "Okay, I've got to give you points for that entrance," Crichton said. "That's why we call you the Wizard."

"You're the only one that calls me the Wizard," the man said, and then frowned. "It's upsetting that the title never caught on."

Sheppard was already on his feet. "Rodney!" he shouted.

Crichton watched in disbelief as Rodney's smug grin turned genuine, changing his entire countenance. He looked suddenly like an entirely different person. "Colonel," he said.

Sheppard stepped forward and nearly fell in Rodney's arms. "I never thought I'd see you again," he said. "How did you get here?"

"I made a copy of myself on Atlantis," Rodney said. "Unfortunately, my massive intellect overloaded the console and it kind of…exploded."

"Yeah, I'm sure it was your intellect that did that," Crichton said.

Rodney and Sheppard pulled back from their hug, still grinning like loons. Crichton tried not to notice. "How did you find me here?" Sheppard asked.

"I keep an eye on things," Rodney said. "I set up some cameras so I could keep watch for anything interesting. Then I saw you. I thought I was going mad. How did you get here?"

"Todd," Sheppard said. "During one of our brief alliances, he made a copy of me hoping to get intel. When I wouldn't give it to him, he erased me."

"I don't know what it is with you two, but it's creepy, you know that, right?" Rodney asked. "At least you're here now. I'd hate for you to have been kept prisoner at the mercy of your arch nemesis."

"Wait, your arch nemesis is seriously named Todd?" Crichton asked. "Not that mine has much else going for him, but at least Scorpius was a proper villain name."

"Why are you socializing with this crazy person?" Rodney asked out of the corner of his mouth. "He thinks the Wraith were 'Scarrens' and that the Ancients were 'Peacekeepers.'" Rodney's discreet side-talking complete with use of air quotes, did not go unnoticed by Crichton, who was standing only two feet away.

"No, the Ancients were Ancients!" Crichton protested. "We've been over this."

"I think he's left over from some video game," Rodney confided. "It happens sometimes, and it's very sad. They're usually damaged, like this one."

"Hey!" Crichton protested.

Sheppard turned away from them. After having reassured himself that Rodney was really there, he was able to turn his attention to his second love. He lovingly ran a hand over the puddle-jumper, moving around her as he did. She was in better shape than the ones he'd left behind-she looked brand new. "How did you get this here?" he asked.

"It's actually really dangerous, the amount of intel that's just floating around in space, there for anyone to intercept," Rodney explained. He ran his fingers over the air, and pulled out lines of thin, glowing blue code, before arranging it in front of him. "It's literally at my fingertips."

Sheppard looked at the information Rodney was dragging up from nothing. The schematics for the puddle-jumper appeared, a thin glowing blueprint of it, just spinning in midair.

"I didn't know you could do that!" Crichton said.

"Of course you didn't, you're a damaged entertainment program," Rodney said dismissively. "I mean, just look at you. Leather? Really?"

"It was the fashion," Crichton said self-consciously, looking down at the leather pants. "I got a lot of compliments. Mostly from Chiana, but still. And Rygel once, but I'd rather not talk about that."

"Now you're just talking gibberish," Rodney said. "Why don't you find some Goombas and get in some target practice?"

"I have a better idea," Crichton said. He licked his fingertips, and then ran it over the air like he was turning the page of a book. The information he was looking for appeared in front of him, and Rodney gaped in disbelief.

"You can't do that!" he snapped.

"You just showed me how," Crichton said.

"I did not! I did it in front of you, and you were supposed to be awed and terrified and think it was magic," Rodney said, narrowing his eyes, and obviously reassessing his opinion of him.

Crichton grinned as he pulled up the schematics for Moya. He found a video message where John Crichton was sitting with his wife and son, congratulating Rygel XVI on his return the throne. "I'm married! I've got a kid!"

"That's very nice for you," Rodney said, before leaning over to Sheppard. "Must be some clip from the game. Poor crazy bastard."

"If I could find remnants of the games that Stark created, maybe I could have them again," Crichton said quietly, his hope only half-hearted. The copies of the people he loved in Stark's games were crazy-but then again, so were the real people.

"Uh huh," Rodney said. "Come with me, John." Rodney took Sheppard by the hand and pulled him into the puddle-jumper. Sheppard moved in front of him, and threw himself into the pilot's chair before Rodney could beat him there.

Rodney sat behind him and gave an indulgent smile. "I've been creating all these things from home, but I never could have dreamed I'd get you."

Sheppard laughed. "You know I'll always find you, Rodney. No man left behind. Especially not you."

Sheppard took off, and Rodney pointed him towards the North. The palace loomed closer, growing more impossibly beautiful the closer they got. Sheppard laughed out loud when he saw the flags flying on the towers held a picture of Rodney's face.

"It's my palace," Rodney explained.

"Because of course you built a palace," Sheppard said fondly.

"I'm impressed," Crichton said. "I have to admit I just thought you were nuts."

"What are you doing here?" Rodney asked, spinning around to glare at him.

"You asked me to come," Crichton said.

"I certainly did not!" Rodney protested, as Sheppard landed the puddle-jumper without the slightest hitch.

"Yes you did!" Crichton said. "You said, come with me, John."

"Oh god, you're another one? Well, of course you are!" Rodney shouted. "What is it, some cosmic rule? Got a tall, heroic, good-looking type, let's name him John."

"Rodney, play nice," Sheppard said wryly. "It's not like we've got tons of friends here."

"Oh, fine, he can come," Rodney said. "Come with me, Johns."

Rodney led the way out of the puddle-jumper, and then to the palace gate. The palace looked far larger up close, if still modest when compared to the cities they had left behind them. "Welcome to the McKay Palace," he said. "Do you think it's big enough? Because I was thinking I might add a few more stories."

"I think it's big enough," Sheppard said wryly. "Who lives in it but you?"

"Well, you, now," Rodney said.

"Ahem!" Crichton said.

"And him, I guess," Rodney said. "But only if he stops mocking me."

"Of course, your Majesty," Crichton said.

Rodney narrowed his eyes at Crichton, but the other man only grinned and did a mock bow. "It's still a work in progress," he admitted. "But now that you're here we can finish it together."

"How did you do all this?" Crichton asked, stepping beside them. "I thought only Replicators could replicate?"

"I'm creating, not replicating. I built a matrix," he said. "I can do whatever I want here. I'm like your new God. But don't worry, you can still call me Rodney."

"Good to know," Sheppard said wryly. "So you mean we're actually in The Matrix?"

"My Matrix, yes," Rodney said. "Once I realized we were all connected to a single central system, it wasn't that hard to hack in. This is possibly the first natural occurrence of a computer matrix-formed out here by itself. Anyway, that's a theory. It's just as possible that someone built it and left it behind, and it's been picking up strays ever since."

Sheppard looked up at the beautiful castle. It was like a fairytale, but it was empty. John was okay with being isolated if he had a mission, but he'd never been good at being idle. "Is this it then?" he asked.

"This isn't enough?" Rodney asked. "Admittedly it's upsetting that I'll never be able to share my discoveries with the world, but there's answers here, John, to so many things. All we need to do is find them."

"What do you mean?" Sheppard asked.

"Think of this place like the flame, and all the information in the universe are moths, flying straight into us," Rodney said. "And if we're getting the information, then no one else is. Who knows? Maybe someday I'll even get the signals to go the other way. Samantha has some theories on that, but they're not as brilliant as mine."

"SG-1 is here?" Sheppard asked.

"Are you kidding?" Rodney snapped. "With all the stuff they've gotten up to the last seven years? There's at least eight of each of them. They're damn annoying. Especially when the Carters get together. You'd think it was the stuff of fantasy, but let me tell you, it's not! And if you see a herd of Daniels, run for your life!"

"Anyone else I ought to know about?" Sheppard asked.

"Well, there's Bob," Crichton interrupted. "But you met him."

"No one else of any importance," Rodney assured him. "Though I'd watch out for the dragons."

"I was hoping Crichton was kidding about those," Sheppard said.

"I never joke about dragons," Crichton assured him, before noticing the way he was being studiously ignored as Sheppard and Rodney stared into one another's eyes. "Right. Well, I'll just go see if I can't find one and get myself eaten then, shall I?"

"Have fun," Sheppard told him, eyes still on Rodney.

"Is it going to be so horrible?" Rodney asked.

Sheppard smiled. "No, it doesn't sound so horrible," he said. "I probably would have gone mad without you here, though."

"He certainly went mad without you!" Crichton called to them.

"I thought you were leaving?" Rodney snapped, turning to watch as Crichton held up his hands in surrender and disappeared around the building. "I wonder if I could delete him."

"Rodney," Sheppard laughed.

"Oh, fine," Rodney said. "But he's staying in the servants quarters."

"You have servants?" John asked incredulously.

"No, but I have to start somewhere, so it might as well be with him," Rodney said.

"And what about me?" John asked. "Where do I fit in?"

"You?" Rodney said, flushing slightly. "Well, of course you wouldn't-you aren't-you could-"

"Rodney," Sheppard interrupted, leaning forward to kiss him gently. "Shut up."

"Right," Rodney said. "But ah, yes. You're Prince Charming, of course."

Sheppard laughed and kissed him again, and as he did, Rodney snapped his fingers, and burned an image of them both onto the flags over his own.