PSYCH: Thieves (PG), Gen.

[laytoncolt]

Shawn and Gus are thieves. Lassiter wants to catch them.



(note: I wrote this little AU ages ago, and finally decided to give it a proper edit and put it up on the comm, as I'm currently trying to write for Psych again-I've missed it so!)

Gus fell back on the leather sofa, crossing his legs and examining his latest Monet. It was funny, because though he'd been voted most likely to succeed back in high school, he seriously doubted this was what the yearbook committee had in mind.

"I want to rob a bank," Shawn said, from where he sat at his desk. There were bundles of hundred dollar bills stacked up on the surface; two or three hundred thousand dollars, at least. Neither of them ever bothered to count it.

Shawn hadn't been voted likely to succeed, but unofficially almost everyone had suspected he planned to take over the world. Sometimes Gus thought he shouldn't have gone with Shawn when he left home. Sometimes he though he should have taken the safe road, gone to college, gotten a good job, some flashy company car.

But the thing about hanging with Shawn was, he never let you sit still long enough to regret anything at all.

"We are not robbing a bank," Gus told him. "It's messy. Too many people."

"The only reason that's a problem with most bank robbers is that they operate through fear, but that wouldn't be a problem for us," Shawn said. "All I've got is an orange water pistol, and that doesn't even scare that weird kid that lives across the street."

"They're still witnesses, Shawn," Gus said.

"I never said we'd go in the daytime," Shawn said, and grinned, that scary grin that Gus knew always preceded some insane plan. "There'd be what, one, two guards? They'd never even see us. You can get into a Meyer-Stell Vault, right? That takes you what, three minutes?"

"Less than that," Gus said.

"Well, there you go," Shawn said.

"No, Shawn," Gus said. "You said we were going to lay low after the Monet. You promised. We're getting noticed."

"What, that detective?" Shawn asked, and laughed. "Don't worry, I can handle him."

"He's the only one that's ever found the connection between our crimes," Gus snapped.

"I didn't say he wasn't good," Shawn said, "but I'm better."

"We knew this would happen eventually, Shawn," Gus said tiredly. "We've been one step ahead for years, but things are catching up to us now. We've got what, four million?"

"Seven point eight," Shawn said absently, running his eyes over the cash. They never counted it, but Shawn could estimate it within fifty cents just by glancing at it. "You're forgetting that job in New York."

"Right," Gus said. "Well, that's more than enough to retire. I always wanted to go to England. Maybe France."

"Please," Shawn said. "As though we'd be able to resist the temptations. The Crown Jewels? The Eiffel Tower?"

"You can't steal the Eiffel Tower, Shawn," Gus snapped.

"That's what you think," he said.

"I'm serious here," Gus said, and then sighed. "Fine, look, whatever, we can go to Mexico, you've been hounding me for years, so let's go."

"Tempting," Shawn said, spinning in his chair before getting to his feet. "But I'd rather rob a bank."

"You're not going to let this go, are you?" Gus demanded.

"It's on my list of things to do before I die," Shawn said. "Right above ride a dolphin."

"We're going to get caught," Gus said resignedly.

x x x x x x

"This is sick, Shawn," Gus snapped. "Do you know whose bank this?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Shawn said.

"This is your father's bank, Shawn," Gus said. "You're not stealing from your father."

"Please, like he has anything I want," Shawn said.

"Then why did you pick this one?" he demanded. "Of all the banks in all the world, you pick the one that your father uses, you pick the one that's a ten minute drive for the only cop that's ever come close to catching us. You're sick."

"It's fun, right?" Shawn asked, grinning. "Are you almost done?"

The vault opened with a snap. It wasn't anywhere near as high tech as Gus was used to. He didn't even need the drill, and when they left, no one would realize it had been opened until they saw what had gone missing. Gus wondered idly if that was the real reason Shawn had chosen this bank.

Gus opened three of the safety deposit boxes, all of them on Shawn's list. They each contained diamonds, bundles of cash, some gold. He didn't bother to ask Shawn how they'd been picked, just threw it in the sack. The sack had been a present from Shawn, brown canvas with a dollar sign on it, like something out of a cartoon. They'd once run into a cop carrying that bag in Louisiana, right after they'd ripped off some antiques from a museum.

Shawn had held it up and said, yep, it was us, this is our stolen goods! We marked the bag so you'd know and everything. The cop had let them go still laughing.

Gus came back out of the vault a moment later, closing it behind him. Shawn was standing in the center of the bank, staring out the windows into the parking lot, where at least five black and whites sat waiting, all blue and red flashing lights. "It's over," Gus said.

"No, it isn't," Shawn said.

Gus frowned when he realized his friend was smiling.

"You remember exit plan B?" Shawn asked him.

"It's never going to work," Gus snapped. "We'll never both make it through there in time-"

"No, not us both," Shawn said. "I'm staying here."

"I'm not leaving you here, Shawn," Gus snapped.

"Stick to the plan," Shawn said, and started unbuttoning the blue jumpsuit he was wearing. "You go home, sneak back into your old room. Your parents are your alibi. They think you've been there the whole time."

"And you just get caught, is that it?" Gus demanded.

“Caught?” Shawn asked, faking disgust. “Who do you think called the police?”

“Are you nuts?” Gus demanded. “Have you finally lost it?”

Someone was shouting into a loud speaker now, asking them to come out with their hands up. It was strange that this was novel, considering Gus's line of work. But the truth was that with Shawn's plans, they were usually home in time to watch the breaking news report.

Then Gus noticed what Shawn was wearing underneath his jumpsuit. "You've got to be kidding me," he said.

Shawn grinned, adjusting a flashlight on his belt and putting on a black hat. "Didn't you wonder where the security guard was?" he asked.

"These guys aren't going to buy that you're the guard, Shawn," Gus snapped.

"But I actually am the guard," Shawn protested. "I got hired yesterday. The bank manager is an old friend of my father's. And you really need to be getting the hell out of here, now, if it's not too much trouble, because you'd be a little harder to explain."

"This better work, Shawn," Gus snapped. "I'm not gonna bail you out."

"Yes you would," Shawn called after him.

Shawn reached up to rip his sleeve, before raking his nails over his across his arm hard enough to break the skin. He headed for the doors, stumbling for effect the moment he came into view, and then opened the door, his hands up, looking properly terrified and jittery. "They're already gone," he gasped breathlessly.

One of the officers grabbed him and pulled him to the side, helping him to lean against one of the squad cars. "Where did they go? How many?" everyone was asking.

Shawn closed his eyes. "There were four of them. They were gone ten minutes ago. They made me lay on the ground to count to three hundred. I know I should have reacted faster, but it's only my first day on the job, I didn't-"

"It's okay, everything's going to be okay."

Shawn looked up at the soft voice. A pretty blonde in a brown suit was smiling at him. "Do you think you can give us descriptions?"

"White, male," Shawn said. "That's about all I could tell. They were wearing ski masks."

"I just bet they were." Shawn glanced quickly up. This voice was much less understanding than the pretty woman detective's, and much more familiar. Carlton Lassiter. Regular old Santa Barbara Detective, and the only one that had ever caught Shawn's trail.

He'd nearly had them when they'd walked off with that Monet, but Shawn had been sure the detective hadn't seen his face. Everything depended on it. "Well, yeah, it seems smart, right?" Shawn asked.

Lassiter's eyes were narrowed. "Search the bank," he said.

"We need to set up roadblocks," the woman said.

"Do whatever else you want," Lassiter said. "But search the bank." He grabbed Shawn by the arm and dragged him to his feet. "Meanwhile, you're coming with me."

x x x x x x

"Is it typical to interrogate the victims?" Shawn asked, tiredly resting his chin in the palm of his hand, and half watching Lassiter as he stood across the room, arms folded.

"I talked to the bank manager," he said. "This was your first night."

"I know, talk about being cursed, huh?" Shawn said.

"You've got an interesting job history," Lassiter continued.

"I don't have a job history," Shawn said.

"That's what's interesting," he said. "What have you been doing all these years? You grew up here, right?"

"Oh, I get it," Shawn said. "You think I had something to do with this? Because that's smart, right? Robbing a bank you're supposed to be guarding, calling the police, and then running out to greet them. Only wait, it's not, because I don't have anything on me."

"Let's say you were going to do that," Lassiter said. "You'd have accomplices."

"You're barking up the wrong tree, Lassie," Shawn said.

"How do you know my name?" Lassiter demanded.

"Same way I know your pretty partner's name is O'Hara, and the Chief, I'm sorry, interim Chief, is Karen Vick. And that freakishly tall rookie standing right outside the door is Buzz McNab. I listen. When people talk."

"Impressive," Lassiter said. "Pretty observant for a security guard that gotten taken by surprise his first night on the job."

There was a knock on the door, and Buzz peeked his head in, glancing nervously at Shawn before handing Lassiter some papers. "You got the warrant," he said.

"For what?" Shawn asked.

"You have a house, right? With your friend, what was his name, Burton Guster? It's just a couple miles away. What do you say we go visit it?" Lassiter asked.

x x x x x x

Shawn sat down on his porch, waiting while Lassiter had his house torn apart. It didn't take long for Lassiter to come storming back out, shouting for the others to keep searching. "Where is everything?" he demanded.

"Maybe I could help if you'd tell me what it is you're looking for," Shawn said.

"The money, Spencer," he snapped. "The paintings. The jewels. Everything."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Shawn said. "You're the one that pointed out I've never even had a real job. I don't have a lot of stuff. Gus is a bit better. You know he just got hired as a pharmaceutical rep? I think I'm going to have to bake him a cake."

"Lassiter!" Juliet came running up to him. "We found it."

"I knew it," Lassiter said. "Where was it? In the mattress? A secret door? A loose floorboard?"

Juliet looked confused. "What? No. Everything that was stolen, from all those cases you linked, all of it was just donated to the museum downtown anonymously earlier tonight."

"That's strange," Shawn said.

"Everything but the money," Juliet amended. "There's still millions unaccounted for."

"You have to be kidding me," Lassiter said.

"Vick wants you back at the station," Juliet said. "She thinks this is a dead end and she wants you to stop harassing Shawn Spencer. Did you know his father used to be on the force? He’s still friends with Chief Vick."

Lassiter turned to glare at him. "I thought you knew about her through your powers of observations?" he snapped.

"I did," Shawn said. "I observed her at pretty much all my birthdays from ages twelve to seventeen. Oh. And she used to come over for movie night."

Lassiter spun around and headed towards his car. "Don't leave the area," he snapped.

"Could you be more specific?" Shawn asked. "By area do you mean the porch? The county? The country? Because I have a massage in Napa scheduled next week and I'd hate to miss it."

"Keep your ass in Santa Barbara," Lassiter barked.

"Understood," Shawn called. "But the rest of me will be getting that massage!"

x x x x x x

"What do you mean you donated all of our stuff to the museum?" Gus demanded. "First off, you can't donate stolen stuff, it just goes back to the owners, and second, that was my stuff, I stole it fair and square."

"You're the one that wanted to retire," Shawn said. "I'm only giving you what you wanted."

"What are you talking about? How does this help us retire? We've lost half our savings overnight," Gus said resentfully.

"Yeah, but we've just gotten rid of anything that could connect us to the crimes, and we're back home, it's a fresh start," Shawn said. "If we ran we would have looked guilty. Coming home makes us look innocent."

Gus crossed his arms, still angry. "And you didn't think to tell me any of this?" he asked. "So I could have been prepared?"

"Are you kidding? You were awesome," Shawn said. "How were the air vents?"

"They were awful," Gus snapped. "They were stuffy and small and I was carrying an eighty pound bag. And I don't think we've gotten away with anything yet. Lassiter knows, Shawn. I can see it in his eyes."

"I told you, I can handle Lassiter," Shawn said. "Coincidently, I got us a new job."

"I don't think I want to know," Gus snapped.

"We're going to consult for the police," Shawn told him, and grinned. "They want us to catch the bank robbers."

Gus laughed disbelievingly. "Oh, great, that's just perfect, Shawn," he snapped. "How do you expect to do that? Turn yourself in? You'd better leave me out of it."

"I'm going to lead them to a warehouse," Shawn said, "and in that warehouse there's going to be everything that was stolen from the bank, including all of the plans. The culprits, regretfully, will never be found."

"You're playing with fire, Shawn," Gus snapped. "And you're not giving this away too." He held the bag to his chest protectively. "This is mine. I crawled through the air vents for this."

"How were your parents, Gus?" Shawn asked. "How would you like to see them whenever you want?"

"That's a low blow," Gus snapped, reluctantly handing over the bag. "What about your dad? You been to see him?"

"When I was drawing this plan out, weighing the benefits, your parents, they went on the pro list," Shawn said. "Henry was on the other side."

x x x x x x

"This is a waste of time," Lassiter snapped.

Shawn frowned at him, before directing his attention to Juliet and Vick. "I went through the street maps, and considering the direction they were heading when they left the scene, I'm confident they would have ended up here. This warehouse is the only one not currently under lease, so it makes a perfect hideout."

"We're not going to find anything in there," Lassiter snapped. "He's distracting us so his accomplices can get the hell out of town."

"Detective, that's enough," Vick said. "Check it out."

Lassiter and Juliet went into the warehouse, guns at the ready just in case. They found the jewels and the cash all laid out on the table, plans scattered everywhere like someone had left in a hurry. "Huh," Juliet said. "Would you look at that?"

"I don't believe it," Lassiter snapped, turning back to glare at Shawn.

Vick smiled and nodded, and Lassiter had a bad feeling this wouldn't be the last time they called Spencer in. "Good work, Mr. Spencer."

Shawn waved and smiled, before turning and disappearing out the door.

x x x x x x

Henry showed up later that day. Shawn had put patio furniture and a canoe in his living room in homage to everyone's favorite sitcom, but Henry just watched it all suspiciously, obviously not getting the joke. He held up the newspaper. Security guard solves bank robbery, robbers still on the lam, it said. "What the hell is this, Shawn?"

"Hi, Dad," Shawn said. "Yeah, it has been a long time, it's good to see you too."

"I always thought I ever saw you in the papers, you'd be in handcuffs," Henry snapped, turning this way and that, still looking over the room. Shawn didn't know what he expected to find. Henry had taught him better than to leave anything to chance.

"I'm shocked you think so little of me," Shawn said. "As if I'd ever get caught."

"That's exactly the kind of attitude that's going to get you in trouble," Henry snapped. "It's one thing, whatever the hell you've been doing all these years, Shawn, but these are good cops, they're suspicious people. Whatever you're planning you'd better rethink it."

"I'm not planning anything," Shawn said, after a moment. "Really, I'm not. I just-"

"You just what?" Henry demanded.

"I just wanted to come home," he said quietly.

Henry's anger deflated at that and he dropped the newspaper into the canoe. "In that case, kid," he said. "Welcome home."

"Thanks," Shawn said, half-grinning.

"And don't screw it up," Henry added.

x x x x x x

Lassiter grabbed Spencer's ankles, picking them up to drop them disgustedly off his desk.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded.

"Vick called me in," Shawn said.

"We don't call in security guards," Lassiter snapped. "Especially not security guards that didn't even last twenty-four hours at the job."

"I'm not here as a security guard," Shawn said, and handed Lassiter a business card with a flourish. "I got my PI license earlier. Can you believe it took all afternoon?"

Lassiter read it with disbelief. "It Takes a Thief to Catch A Thief?" he said. "We'll find what's stolen. We?"

"Gus is going to be my partner, he even co-signed the lease," Shawn explained. "Don't worry, I plan to tell him all about it later. And I know what you're thinking, our name is entirely too long for the window. I was thinking of just calling it 'Thieves.'"

"What window?" Lassiter demanded.

"I got some lovely beachfront real estate," Shawn said. "It looks like we're here to stay."

Lassiter dropped the card on his desk and grabbed the arms of his chair, tugging it close so he was nearly face to face with him. "I know it was you," he said. "I just don't know how you did it."

"And I know you know," he whispered back, before slipping under Lassiter's arm to get to his feet. "You just don't have any proof."

Shawn stuck his hands in his pockets, grinning as he walked backwards towards the door. "You should hang onto that card, Lassie. You never know when you might need to catch a thief."