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Once More, pt 4 and the end. So wip haters can read it now. I've edited previous parts on my own copy so it'll be posted on the yahoo group soon, but if you can't wait - read away...
(part 4)
Spock’s first reaction was to hit something - anything - the consol next to him, the bulkhead, the irritating man staring at him with sad eyes. Those eyes... //piercing blue eyes that could convey a variety of emotions, often within seconds of each other - a startling phenomenon - they could show compassion, sorrow, anger, rage, and then deep enduring sadness - Spock had seen them all, mostly directed at himself over the years...those eyes haunted him, especially now - he wished he could take the sadness away and make them sparkle with happiness, one of the emotions he'd loved viewing most from his T'hyla//
It was this burst of sadness and longing that kept him from losing his temper at the young man's sheer audacity. But then why should he be surprised by anything Leonard McCoy did in any universe anymore?
Taking a deep breath, he resorted to the calm, cool, logical tone that the McCoy he knew would usually become infuriated with...he wasn't quite sure why exactly he used it - to keep his own logic firmly in place or to provoke the other man. For surely the second was an illogical and emotional act - he knew the burning within him craved McCoy's passionate response, still, he somehow denied that was his reasoning - he would answer the doctor and then proceed as planned.
"We are returning to New Vulcan where you will be returning to your work on New Vulcan and most likely reporting me to the authorities. I will continue with my own plan and hope you do not succeed in stopping me for the results will be catastrophic. Now I need to you to release the commands of this vessel back to my manual and voice authorization so I can turn off the auto pilot and alter our course."
McCoy's left eyebrow raised yet he didn't budge from his position, arms still crossed.
Spock's frustration grew in the back of his mind, but the first thought was - he is so like my Leonard...he will not be reasoned with and he will not be told what to do...I must convince him...and I must likely need to lie and convincingly, but I do not wish to lie - the last words I speak to him...for them to be lies...he couldn't. He simply couldn't lie to any version of Leonard - not now.
"Leonard...my time has come and I do not have much time left for rational thinking. I NEED you to release the controls or you will be destroyed with me. I have aimed this vessel at the heart of one of the Vulc - one of the Old Vulcan’s suns. I wish to die as near as I can to my homeland. Surely you can understand that? But you have your whole life ahead of you - and your daughter-"
McCoy's eyes flashed at that and he cut Spock off - "Don't you dare speak of my daughter - you don't know her - at least not in this universe. Don't use her to manipulate me into making a decision. And anyway - I think your 'time for rational thinking' passed long ago. You are in Pon Farr and you are in barely holding on to civility, for which I'm grateful or I know I might be a bloody smear across the wall just now. I'm going to release the controls when I feel like it and then we will head back to New Vulcan. Together."
The doctor obviously was hoping to wait Spock's control out and wait until he could not pilot himself back to the sun on his own after reaching New Vulcan. Spock rose from his seat and slowly stalked the younger man. He may be an old man, but he was still Vulcan, he could force McCoy to do what he wanted and McCoy knew it. It wouldn't even take physical force, a simple mindmeld would force the doctor to obey - to release the controls, and then the matter would be moot. He saw his fingers reaching out towards Leonard's face, the human flinching slightly, but not backing down and suddenly he, Spock, was another person.
//He was a violent man, not by choice, but by necessity, he did what he had to in order to maintain his position on board the Enterprise. One sign of weakness would be his undoing. And now here were his own shipmates acting very oddly - coming together in a group, conspiring - against him? Did they plan his assassination? Plotting against Vulcan itself? He fought the group of men and Uhura valiantly, but a sudden pain in his head dropped him into darkness.
He woke, knew there was a man hovering nearby - McCoy. Spock grabbed his arm and held it in a fierce grip, he felt the bones grinding as he stood and forced the man back to the bulkhead, trapping him. But the human seemed to be stronger than he looked for he did not yell or even speak and did not stop staring at him, even as a sweat broke out. He forced a meld on the human and found out it wasn't the ship's doctor at all, but some mirror universe version - he quickly divined their plan and decided how to proceed, but while he was in the other's face in his hands, he found himself enjoying the control and the feelings of fear, anger, regret, confusion, and betrayal. //
Spock's fingers halted inches from McCoy's face and then he spun around and threw himself down on the shuttle's floor, rocking back and forth with his hands on his own face. He'd just relived the memories that the Mirror Universe Spock had felt whilst forcing a mindmeld on McCoy. It had happened shortly after the Pon Farr, while he and McCoy were still friends, but distant after the incomplete bonding and Spock had (in human terms) broken off their relationship. They were still bonded in a way - for the Pon Farr did not end without some sort of bond made, but Spock did his best to shield McCoy from its effects, thinking himself right in doing so. But when McCoy had returned from the Mirror Universe Spock had instantly sensed a change in the doctor. Spock had known instantly from the moment McCoy, supported by his shipmates was dragged off to sickbay that his own Mirror counterpart had damaged his T'hyla.
He had cautiously opened the channel between them and felt the fear, irrationally focused towards Spock as he was reminded of the forced meld - a rape of the mind. It had taken a long time for McCoy to trust him enough to allow Spock to try and repair the telepathic damage done to him. Afterwards, he had let McCoy see the truth of how their bond still existed in their minds, how he wanted more from McCoy, not less - that he had ended the relationship out of courtesy for McCoy's aversion to a permanent bond - for the loss of privacy in one of the most private of men.
The memory of that violent version of himself, which McCoy had been forced to experience, had thankfully stopped Spock from doing the same thing just a moment ago. He had almost forced Leonard to do his bidding just as the man that had mind raped his counterpart in the other universe. He was kidding himself that he was rational any longer. He was in the burning phase - he was nearly out of control, he could not let such a thing happen again. He rocked back and forth on the floor, desperately trying to ignore the other man staring at him helplessly.
"Spock?"
"Don't talk to me! Do as I said, return us to New Vulcan. I swear I will not steal the shuttle again, not any other vessel - I will confine myself to my room and stay there. But you must act quickly. I do not want to chance hurting you. Please," he begged. He had no dignity anymore. He had no right to dignity - to think of what he'd almost done to his T’hyla - no, to this version of McCoy...no matter what his rationalization.
McCoy quickly ordered the shuttle back to New Vulcan, and commed the colony informing them of their return and that he did not know what condition Spock would be in when they returned, but to have a Starfleet medical team standing by and whatever the Vulcan healers deemed appropriate. He would comm them again if there were complications. Then he turned back to the Vulcan still rocking on the floor with his hands shielding his face.
What in the devil had happened? He knew from what Jim had told him and what the Vulcans had shared with them recently that Spock had been most likely about to perform a mindmeld. He'd been inches away from the doctor and McCoy had to admit the look on Spock's face and the idea of his mind being invaded had scared him, but he hadn't done a thing when suddenly Spock's face had changed from determination to horror and Leonard could almost sense the sudden change in emotions and there was some glimpse in his own mind - a memory that had to be some flight of fancy - a bearded Spock, a feeling of sudden pain in his wrist, McCoy glanced down and realized he was rubbing said wrist absently and stopped. What was this vision? This feeling? Did it have anything to do with the broken Vulcan at his feet? The doctor in him shook it off and knelt, cautiously next to the quaking man, the shoulders were shaking and Leonard was surprised to find Spock was crying silently.
"Spock? Please talk to me, tell me what to do - I need to help you," he said quietly. The gentle voice broke through Spock's meltdown, it seemed, and he slowly stopped rocking and the tears slowly dried up. Spock wrapped his arms around his legs and leaned against the bulkhead.
Spock looked down at his knees and refused to look up. "You can help me by staying on the other end of the shuttle and hope we get back to New Vulcan in time. I apologize for what I nearly did - I -" his voice broke. "I nearly hurt you."
Leonard scooted back to the other side of the narrow shuttle, his own back to the wall, but it was far from the farthest point. There were mere inches between their booted feet. "But you didn't. You were going to force me telepathically to talk to the computer? You didn't seem ready to hit me, though I'd understand the impulse given my provocation so far. The Pon Farr makes Vulcans act on impulse and emotion without their own choice or control - you know that. I wouldn’t hold it against you."
Spock shook his head. "I nearly committed one of the most grave crimes a Vulcan can commit - mindmelds are never to be forced, and they can have devastating effects, especially on humans," he finally looked up at the doctor.
Leonard suddenly understood, "That image in my head - that was you, in my mind, crushing my arm..." he rubbed the wrist again, damned if it didn't hurt faintly.
Spock watched this and seemed surprised. "Not me - a version of me, just as a version of me exists on the Enterprise just now. Another alternate universe - one far more violent...in that universe my counterpart hurt you...the memory of that - your memory in that universe, the one I saw in your mind, the thoughts of that man...it stopped me. I suppose I projected it and you 'heard' the memory. I'm sorry.
I hope it doesn't happen in this universe, but it might. Just remember, I would never do that...in my right mind, not even my counterpart here - despite his anger and emotional loss of control on the bridge. I feel - I hope - it was an isolated event."
He watched McCoy absorb this information and found himself staring into those blue eyes again, this time contemplative, thoughtful...he slowly found his eyes wandering down Leonard's body. It was so young and the skin beneath the clothes must be so smooth and supple. He wondered at the slight differences he might find alone together in bed - he broke off the thought and suddenly stood up to check the controls of the shuttle.
Everything was running smoothly and they should be back to New Vulcan within 45.5 minutes. And after arriving, plenty of time for him to shut himself up in his room and let nature take its course. It would be a longer, far more protracted death, but he would endure it.
He had endured a painful death once before, he could do it again. He did not remember his time in McCoy's mind when his T'hyla held his Katra, he suddenly wished he did, though. He was told later by Kirk and a few others that his knowledge and even his own voice would come forth at times. Fascinating. How much of that had been because of their bond? He had often wondered, but did not seek answers from the VSA - to do so would require much testing and contemplation on both their behalves and McCoy had never liked their relationship to be 'picked apart and studied like a science project.' Spock smiled at the comment - Spock had missed those during his years alone. No, McCoy had simply been happy when they'd reconnected after Spock slowly recovered his memories and the bond renewed. He remembered the first Pon Farr after his return and their bond had been closer than even before - perhaps helped by the Katra experience.
"What's a Katra?" McCoy asked.
Spock was again surprised as he turned the chair around to face the doctor still sitting on the ground; he KNEW he hadn't projected that thought. How could this be? "How much of my thoughts are you hearing?" Spock asked him roughly. His privacy was being invaded yet again. And why wasn't he picking up on McCoy's thoughts? Spock looked within himself and found he was shielding against McCoy’s heavily, but there was something like a hole in his own shields to keep things within...it should not be a problem with a human he wasn't bonded to - this wasn't his McCoy!
Leonard held his hands up, "I know I'm not your McCoy. I can't help it - I hear you in my mind somehow - sometimes it's like a shout or a strong feeling and sometimes it's a whisper. Sometimes an image, but they don't all make sense. So, I ask again, what's a Katra?"
"Nothing you need worry about. It is strictly between Vulcans and there is no need for medical explanations. I apologize for the faintness of my shields - I did not realize I was projecting beyond my losses in control." Spock said stiffly.
McCoy looked unhappy at the non-answer, but ignored it, "I don't mind it - it's just a little unsettling - and are you hearing MY thoughts?" he asked suddenly, flushing at the thought.
Spock shook his head, "No, I've been blocking you, especially since...well, there was an incident when I met you at the shuttle when you first arrived. I do not believe it was your voice, but an echo of your counterpart's voice - something I still do not understand, but I reinforced my own block hoping to avoid such occurrences again. Your thoughts are your own."
But now that the idea was in his head he found himself sorely tempted to know what McCoy was thinking - could the bond he had with his counterpart still be there? Could he take a glimpse? Normally such thoughts would not have reached conscious level and certainly they would not be seriously considering such action, but now...he found his impulse control weakening...he let down the shield against McCoy slightly.
And was suddenly imagining himself and McCoy rutting on the rug like animals, the two of them naked and rubbing each other, their sweat glistening, Spock's face was flushed green with pleasure - and was that a smile on his lips? McCoy's eyes were squeezed shut in pleasure and he leaned down and suddenly kissed Spock, -
Spock slammed the wall back up before he could finish the image, his eyes deliberately on the viewscreen and away from the young human. He knew that some studies said the average human male thinks about sex every 7 seconds, though many other studies differed, it was true that a healthy virile young man like McCoy would think of sex regularly, but the astonishing aspect was that it was about HIM.
Could this young Leonard McCoy possibly find Spock's 155-year-old body sexy in any way? It was perhaps vanity on his part, but he knew he had kept his body healthy and trim despite his years and was not wholly undesirable to some - there had been quite a few much younger Vulcan women on the colony who had approached him, just as McCoy had hinted at - and not a few men, either. But he had thought this more of an honorable or logical based interest. They had more than likely had logical reasoning behind their choices. Humans were usually far more concerned with superficial looks - at least at first - when considering mates.
Kirk was a perfect example of that. But, he had to be fair - his McCoy had not been so superficial, and he had seen inner beauty far more easily. But the images that had just assaulted his senses - those were of the superficial sexual kind. Perhaps it was only because McCoy had just thought of Spock's possible reading of his mind seconds earlier. Surely the image was one of those odd ones that popped into untrained human minds just because of their incongruity and because humans thought so much differently than humans. Or maybe because they were stuck alone in the shuttle and their sole focus was to return to Vulcan and deal with the Pon Farr in their own different ways. Whatever the case, he would be quite sure to keep the shields back up again. He’d violated McCoy’s thoughts just as he’d promised he wouldn’t. McCoy might excuse his impulsive behavior, but Spock didn’t. He gripped the arm chairs until he could feel slight indentations were his fingers dug in.
He had had his back to the doctor when he heard the 'fresher door open and shut just a moment before. He suddenly realized what the doctor was likely doing at the moment and felt his own face flush a shade of green that probably matched McCoy's imagination. He glanced back to the controls - 30 minutes to New Vulcan. Never before had he futilely wished for time to speed up, but he now understood the human sentiment. Spock was finding himself more and more in need of his own 'fresher - only it wouldn't do any good if he did have one.
Not for the first time he wished desperately his human half had more control over this aspect of his anatomy. He would literally die of sexual frustration as well as mental lack of bonding. And at his age. Spock allowed himself to feel shame for his lack of control of his own body. If only it wasn't for the colony's situation...he hadn't needed anyone since Leonard died. He had finally reached the age of maturity where he could decide for himself who he slept with or if he remained solitary - a point of life all male Vulcans seemed grateful to reach.
And, naturally, he'd chosen a celibate life. Without one's T'hyla, there was no point in the act.
The door to the 'fresher opened and Spock made it a point to be studying controls that needed no attention. "Spock?" McCoy said in a tone the Ambassador hadn't heard from this counterpart before. He recognized it, though.
Slowly turning in his chair he saw McCoy had stripped his clothes and was standing there, erect and smiling seductively. "Why don't we help you get a little more under control before we land?" "I'm told a release in such a way could help you maintain control and I know you don't want to be seen as emotional as you are right now..." he said in that way Leonard always had with him in such moments - part logic, part sarcasm, and a larger part of husky seductiveness..
Feelings warred within him, the thought that this was being done out of pity almost made him stop, but he was so far sunk in Pon Farr, and the sight of McCoy obviously erect and willing..the images he'd just witnessed...he didn't register getting up and stripping off his own clothes, the next moment he was conscious of was the two of them doing almost exactly what McCoy had imagined, and the reality was so much better. He flipped McCoy over and the younger man wrapped his legs around Spock’s thighs, pulling him closer in encouragement.
Panting heavily, Spock gave the man one last chance, even if he might not be able to honor it in reality, still he would try: "If you have changed your mind tell me now," he said roughly.
McCoy lifted his head, not in defiance, but in proof, "Put your mind to my mind and see how sure I am. I want you...and I need you. Let yourself go and hurry. We have little time before we have to be presentable again. Foreplay can come later," he teased.
Spock feared deep inside McCoy had no real idea just what he was offering, but it was too late, he'd denied himself the need for too long, roughly he put his fingers on the meld points and sunk deep within McCoy's mind just as he sunk deep within his body. Apparently the doctor had prepared himself for the physical joining, but the mental one left him gasping and there was hesitation. Spock broke through it, promising not to hurt him, wouldneverhurtyouT'hylaImissedyouIlovedyouIloveyoustillT'hylahowlongIhavewaitedtheachethegriefthelove
McCoy gasped again at the emotion and tears ran down his cheeks, he was sobbing, Spock was only dimly aware that his relationship with the other McCoy was playing out in his head at a dizzying speed, he tried to halt it, but this Leonard wanted to know everything so he focused on trying to fulfill his promise and not hurt the fragile human beneath him physically, time stretched and had no meaning until finally he found himself gasping next to a sweaty sleeping McCoy and there was an annoying beeping sound. The automatic landing sequence!
He pulled himself to his feet, he was no longer quite as limber as he'd once been, but he was grateful he did not feel the intense pain and stiffness humans would at his age. He turned off the autopilot and settled the shuttle in an orbit.
He turned back to Leonard and realized the man was not simply sleeping, but was unconscious - he checked over his lover's body quickly and found it was not physical trauma, but perhaps the result of the uncontrolled bonding and the sheer volume of memories, feelings and thoughts that had come through the link. He needed to take him to the Vulcan healers and quickly.
Still, knowing McCoy's modesty (his recent nudity display notwithstanding), he gently dressed the man before landing manually on the planet near the new medical buildings. There were several people waiting outside, Starfleet medical and Vulcan healers, just as McCoy had requested for Spock. Seeing them made Spock swear in ancient Vulcan, the type of language only used before the teachings of Surak. This was going to be an embarrassment to McCoy in the least, at the worst - a possible tragedy. And he was responsible once more for failing - this time for failing to control himself until they reached the planet - for possibly damaging McCoy permanently.
****
Leonard woke groggily and tried to sit up - the world spun out of control and he turned his head to the side and heaved. A cool hand was steadying his head and a plastic bin had made it under his mouth just in time. Someone, whoever it was, was obviously expecting this reaction. He felt drugged and hated the feeling, a hand, (the same one?) brushed cool fingers against his forehead - he felt his mind clear slightly, the world righting itself a bit. He blinked and tried to focus and found himself looking up at T'Larsk, one of the female healers he had met earlier when he first arrived.
"You are in the medical facility and are suffering some side effects from the bonding. This doesn't usually have such severe effects, but it is my understanding that some of the effects may be the vast differences in ages and the unquantified affects of being bonded with one from the alternate universe. Ambassador Spock was checked over and released to his room against medical advice." She offered without being asked.
McCoy tried to sit up again and managed to do so, though the dizziness returned. "He was planning to either fly into a sun or let the Pon Farr kill him. Tell me - is he still in Pon Farr?" he asked weakly.
T'Larsk seemed hesitant to answer. She glanced over his shoulder at the other healers and doctors - all seemed busy with a pair of births taking place.
"Please tell me, I'll be leaving against medical advice, too, unless you do and find out myself."
"He is. But the affects were lessened somewhat - he had control of his shields for the moment and I could not stop him short of restraining him to the bed and it is his own choice as to his wishes in this matter. We cannot force him to bond with another - and his bonding with you, incomplete as it is, would interfere with a new bond anyway."
McCoy swung his legs over the bed and looked around for his boots.
"I do not recommend continuing the bonding as you did on the shuttle, Dr." T'Larsk stated matter of factly.
Leonard blushed. "Then tell me how to do this properly - help me save his life. I don't think he really wants to die - he just doesn't want anyone else - and I think I have convinced him to bond with me, but we messed up a little. It was overwhelming the amount of time covered in the meld and the emotions...I never knew the depth Vulcans felt. And Spock’s long life and ours - or rather the one with my counterpart…it was just…"he shrugged, unable to put it in words.
"It is true - it can be overwhelming to the human mind in the most ideal circumstances. Yours was not ideal. I have contacted T'Pau and I believe she and Sarek are speaking with him right now. We hope to find a way to resolve this matter. As your healer, I must ask you - do you wish to continue the bond and all it entails? I know your duty is back aboard the Enterprise and the Ambassador, until recently, felt his home was here. Long distance bonds are quite possible, though there are still consequences, if one is harmed the other will feel it and if one dies unexpectedly, it may harm the other bondmate, though not irreparably with intervention. So long as the bond is formally registered and performed, the bond should remain stable and cause no harm to either party."
Leonard smiled, "You know, T'Larsk, if I didn't know better, I'd say you're trying to talk me into this," he held out a hand to forestall T'larsk's denials, "No, no, I do now have a good idea of what I'm getting myself into and I do wish to continue. I can't explain it really, I have only physically known him in this universe for a short time, but when we melded," and here he blushed again, why did talking of a meld to a Vulcan seem down right dirty?, "when we melded I experienced the Spock of that universe - and the bond we - the other McCoy shared and I want that. He needs me and now, damn it, excuse my language, I need him, too...there is too much love and respect and I know the loneliness...I want him." he finished simply.
T'Larsk seemed as content as a Vulcan could at that statement. Spock meant a great deal to these people, McCoy realized, and they wanted him to be here - alive and well. And logic be damned, they were an emotional people and Leonard firmly believed they wanted Spock to be happy. Something Spock never would likely see for himself, coming from the universe he did - but on this planet, in this colony and in this universe, Vulcans were becoming a bit more emotional. Whether that was a tragedy to the elders or not, McCoy couldn't help being glad the younger ones weren't quite so repressed. Good or bad, emotions needed expressing, not repressing from his psychological background. Perhaps humans could teach them a bit and Vulcans could teach humans a little in control in return. There might be a paper there...
Now to go find his old crotchety Vulcan, he though with a sly grin. He slipped out when T'Larsk was called away and he walked over to Spock's quarters. Even if he had to deal with Spock's father and T'Pau, he was ready to deal with this bonding ritual the way it needed to be done. Just how he was going to explain all this to Jim someday - he had no clue.
Or the other Spock...oh jeez, he didn't even want to contemplate THAT one.
XXX
The end for now, though I smell a sequel coming up with McCoy returning to the Enterprise and his secret coming out with AOS or reboot Spock. It's just too tempting an idea...