BSG - We Bend, We Break
Title: We Bend, We Break
Rating: Teen
Characters: Kara Thrace, Lee Adama
Genre: Angst
Warnings: Spoilers for 2.15 Scar
Word Count: 1821
Summary: "So it doesn't matter that I'm here with you, right now." Lee's voice sounds wrong somehow, suddenly rough-edged, and wonders if Kara will care. "It doesn't matter that you've got someone alive and well right in this room, someone who cares about you, because you don't start caring until they're dead."
Author's Note: This serves as an extended version of Lee and Kara's almost-frakking scene from Scar. I always thought that Lee wanted to say a lot in that scene but never got the chance. So I took pity on him and let him say what he needed to say.
Special thanks to shah_of_blah for being awesome and helping me out with this one when I had no idea if it was going to work at all.
We Bend, We Break
"Listen, you are fine, you're fine with the dead guys. It's the living guys you can't deal with!"
Lee knows, the moment he says it, that he's gone too far. He sees Kara's hand come up almost in slow motion and thinks maybe he could stop her if he tried, but then her palm connects with his cheek and it's too late. She hasn't hit him nearly as hard as he'd expected, and Lee barely has time to register the sting before she's grabbed him again. Kara's lips on his are trembling and he can almost taste the desperation in the way she's holding him so carefully. This is a side to Kara he hasn't seen in years, and it scares him to see it now. He brings his hands up, cupping her face for a fleeting moment before Kara pushes him away, spinning around toward the door.
"So it doesn't matter that I'm here with you, right now." Lee's voice sounds wrong somehow, suddenly rough-edged, and wonders if Kara will care. He hears her stop, hears the creak of the handle swinging out on the hatch, but she doesn't open it. He keeps talking to the room and avoids looking at her, choosing instead to find his pants in the pile of clothes on the floor. "It doesn't matter that you've got someone alive and well right in this room, someone who cares about you, because you don't start caring until they're dead."
"Lee--" Kara's voice is tired. "You don't understand, alright?"
Lee throws his discarded tanks on his bunk and turns to face her. "Then explain it to me, Kara, because I'm trying. I'm really trying here. I want so much to help you, only I don't know how to do that anymore because I don't even know what's wrong!"
"The best thing you can do right now is stay away from me."
Lee tries not to notice the way Kara's voice has gone flat and empty, or the way she's looking at him like he's the one running away. He hasn't seen that look on her face, that dead expression, in nearly three years. He steps closer. "Kara, what is this about?"
Kara looks away, eyes searching the room for anything that isn't him. He sighs and looks down so she won't have to catch his eye. "You're alive, Lee," she says, and the way she says it makes him think she means dead. "You're alive, and if you want to stay that way, then this, us, whatever... it can't happen."
"Kara, what--"
"Shut up, Lee. You wanted an explanation, fine. I'm explaining. Do me a favour and let me."
Lee nods, backs up until he can lean against the edge of the table, arms crossed, and carefully doesn't look at Kara. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees her take a breath, eyes darting toward him before she speaks again.
"I'm bad luck, Apollo. I told you after... after Zak died. You wouldn't listen to me then, so listen to me now. Zak's dead. Sam's dead. And you've come so close so many gods-damned times I can't even count them anymore. And I get it, Lee, you care about me, we're friends, whatever. And yeah, you're alive and I'm alive and we probably won't be for much longer, so I won't apologise for wanting something more from you. But if I let us, if I let this mean anything more than that... Gods, Lee, I can't lose you, too."
"I'm right here, Kara." Lee feels her name on his tongue like a whisper, like a prayer. "I'm not going anywhere."
The looks she gives him then nearly breaks his heart.
"Aren't you, Lee? Are you going to tell me that you're going to be a good little boy and stay out of trouble? Are you going to tell me that, by some frakking miracle, you're not going to be killed out there?" She laughs, but it comes out sounding wrong. "How many have we lost this week alone, Lee? How many? And how many before that? And how long, Apollo, how long, Lee, until you're the one on that list?"
He doesn't realise he's standing, doesn't realise he's moved at all until he's right in front of her, hands gripping her arms. "So that's it then, huh? There's a chance I might get killed, so you're already running off to go cry in a corner and blame yourself before it's even happened. Is that it, Kara?" Lee thinks vaguely that he might actually be angry.
"Is that what this is about? You'll frak me or fight me, and I'll gladly go along with either, but gods forbid you let me in because you can't stand the thought of losing me." Kara's looking like she wants to hit him again; she gets one fist up but Lee catches hold of her wrist and he's got no intention of letting her go until he's let this out.
"You want to fight this out, that's fine with me, and maybe we'll keep fighting until neither of us is left standing. But guess what, Kara, I might lose you tomorrow same as you might lose me, and that's just a fact. Do you know how hard it is, writing up the rosters every day and realising that I've signed you up for the firing squad day after day after day? It kills me, Kara, because I know that if you're killed out there, it's my fault because I signed your name and sent you out to die."
Kara has gone still against him and Lee can see her breathing hard. She opens her mouth to speak, looking angry, but Lee cuts across her. He's been sitting on all of this for so long, trying so hard to push it all away, the worry and the guilt, hoping that if he didn't think about it, it'd go away. But now it's all coming out and he's got to keep talking.
"If I thought I could keep you safe by keeping you at my side all the time, I'd do it, but gods know you'd never let me. So I have to let you go, and when you come back from these things so frakked up that I can't even imagine, well, that's my fault too. And I'm trying like hell to fix it, Kara, but I don't know what to do anymore."
Lee leans forward, presses his forehead to Kara's. She's breathing hard still; he can feel her chest rising and falling against his. She's pulling at him, trying to wrestle her arms back--so she can hit him, probably. He feels like he's run a marathon. Half an hour ago he and Kara were tugging at each other's clothes and he could feel the alcohol in his veins; now he just feels like hitting something. Kara makes a small sound; she's almost freed her other hand, so he grabs her wrist, holding her fast. Lee realises he's still speaking, his words coming harsh and quiet in the silence.
"Every time you go out, I keep picturing your Viper exploding, or I'm waiting, dreading hearing that you haven't made it back. And every time you land I feel like I should be praying because it's another day you're still alive."
"Frak you," she whispers, and he thinks it sounds a little strained. "Why the frak do you care, Apollo? I didn't see you agonising over Jo-Jo or Chuckles or Flat-top or--" She breaks off, pushing against him. "Let me go, you frakker, or I swear to gods--" She wrenches herself away and backs up, glaring at Lee, but her eyes are looking red-rimmed and Lee thinks he's pushed her too far this time.
"What is this, Lee?" she asks, and the mockery in her voice hurts; she doesn't believe him, Lee's sure of that, and she thinks he's over-reacting, being melodramatic. "Is this how you deal with it, Lee, how you deal with all the kids we've gotten killed out there? Is this how you rationalise it? By telling yourself that, oh, well, at least it's not Kara, at least it's not the frak-up, because if she bites it then we're really screwed!" Her face twists as she laughs, but the sound comes out harsh and low. "Is that what this is, Lee?"
"Dammit, Kara, no! It's not--" Lee runs a hand over his face and tries not to think about hitting her, about pressing her against a wall, about shaking her until she gets it. "Kara, I'm not saying that--"
"Forget it, Lee," Kara interrupts him, throwing her hands up. "Just, frakking forget it. I don't care anymore, Lee, I'm done. Okay? I just... I'm done. I'm sick of people dying, I'm sick of being part of it, I'm sick of having nothing left to live for, nothing to die for, no reason for anything." She's shouldering past him now, headed for the door again.
"I think it's great, Lee, that you want to blame yourself and not face the fact that I'm just as much to blame for people being dead, but I don't care anymore. Earlier, I thought maybe we were on the same page, that you wanted out for a while same as I did. Just a good frak to keep the mind off everything else. And I thought maybe you'd understand, since you apparently care about me so much and all, but I'm done. This is too much, Lee, and I really can't handle this right now."
She's almost to the door when Lee manages to open his mouth. "It's because I love you, Kara." He hears her hesitate. "That's why, earlier... it's why I wanted this, Kara, it's why I said yes. It's why I frakking said all of this to begin with. Because I love you, and I just... I want you to understand. I want you to let me in, Kara, even if you don't believe me. Because I know you're hurting. And I want to help."
He doesn't look at her; he can't. She's silent behind him and he hates it because he can't see her face, can't tell what she's thinking. The silence has time to almost become ugly, but then Kara takes a breath and Lee holds his. A moment later, he feels it catch in his throat when Kara finally speaks.
"You love me, Lee. And gods know I love you. But I loved Zak, too, and maybe I loved Sam. And all I know is that they're both dead now because of me. So if you really love me, Lee, you'll give me a reason to hate you before I have a chance to get you killed."
Lee feels his heart twist unpleasantly in his chest and he spins to face her. But the hatch has swung wide and once again he's too late. She's gone.
FIN
Rating: Teen
Characters: Kara Thrace, Lee Adama
Genre: Angst
Warnings: Spoilers for 2.15 Scar
Word Count: 1821
Summary: "So it doesn't matter that I'm here with you, right now." Lee's voice sounds wrong somehow, suddenly rough-edged, and wonders if Kara will care. "It doesn't matter that you've got someone alive and well right in this room, someone who cares about you, because you don't start caring until they're dead."
Author's Note: This serves as an extended version of Lee and Kara's almost-frakking scene from Scar. I always thought that Lee wanted to say a lot in that scene but never got the chance. So I took pity on him and let him say what he needed to say.
Special thanks to shah_of_blah for being awesome and helping me out with this one when I had no idea if it was going to work at all.
We Bend, We Break
"Listen, you are fine, you're fine with the dead guys. It's the living guys you can't deal with!"
Lee knows, the moment he says it, that he's gone too far. He sees Kara's hand come up almost in slow motion and thinks maybe he could stop her if he tried, but then her palm connects with his cheek and it's too late. She hasn't hit him nearly as hard as he'd expected, and Lee barely has time to register the sting before she's grabbed him again. Kara's lips on his are trembling and he can almost taste the desperation in the way she's holding him so carefully. This is a side to Kara he hasn't seen in years, and it scares him to see it now. He brings his hands up, cupping her face for a fleeting moment before Kara pushes him away, spinning around toward the door.
"So it doesn't matter that I'm here with you, right now." Lee's voice sounds wrong somehow, suddenly rough-edged, and wonders if Kara will care. He hears her stop, hears the creak of the handle swinging out on the hatch, but she doesn't open it. He keeps talking to the room and avoids looking at her, choosing instead to find his pants in the pile of clothes on the floor. "It doesn't matter that you've got someone alive and well right in this room, someone who cares about you, because you don't start caring until they're dead."
"Lee--" Kara's voice is tired. "You don't understand, alright?"
Lee throws his discarded tanks on his bunk and turns to face her. "Then explain it to me, Kara, because I'm trying. I'm really trying here. I want so much to help you, only I don't know how to do that anymore because I don't even know what's wrong!"
"The best thing you can do right now is stay away from me."
Lee tries not to notice the way Kara's voice has gone flat and empty, or the way she's looking at him like he's the one running away. He hasn't seen that look on her face, that dead expression, in nearly three years. He steps closer. "Kara, what is this about?"
Kara looks away, eyes searching the room for anything that isn't him. He sighs and looks down so she won't have to catch his eye. "You're alive, Lee," she says, and the way she says it makes him think she means dead. "You're alive, and if you want to stay that way, then this, us, whatever... it can't happen."
"Kara, what--"
"Shut up, Lee. You wanted an explanation, fine. I'm explaining. Do me a favour and let me."
Lee nods, backs up until he can lean against the edge of the table, arms crossed, and carefully doesn't look at Kara. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees her take a breath, eyes darting toward him before she speaks again.
"I'm bad luck, Apollo. I told you after... after Zak died. You wouldn't listen to me then, so listen to me now. Zak's dead. Sam's dead. And you've come so close so many gods-damned times I can't even count them anymore. And I get it, Lee, you care about me, we're friends, whatever. And yeah, you're alive and I'm alive and we probably won't be for much longer, so I won't apologise for wanting something more from you. But if I let us, if I let this mean anything more than that... Gods, Lee, I can't lose you, too."
"I'm right here, Kara." Lee feels her name on his tongue like a whisper, like a prayer. "I'm not going anywhere."
The looks she gives him then nearly breaks his heart.
"Aren't you, Lee? Are you going to tell me that you're going to be a good little boy and stay out of trouble? Are you going to tell me that, by some frakking miracle, you're not going to be killed out there?" She laughs, but it comes out sounding wrong. "How many have we lost this week alone, Lee? How many? And how many before that? And how long, Apollo, how long, Lee, until you're the one on that list?"
He doesn't realise he's standing, doesn't realise he's moved at all until he's right in front of her, hands gripping her arms. "So that's it then, huh? There's a chance I might get killed, so you're already running off to go cry in a corner and blame yourself before it's even happened. Is that it, Kara?" Lee thinks vaguely that he might actually be angry.
"Is that what this is about? You'll frak me or fight me, and I'll gladly go along with either, but gods forbid you let me in because you can't stand the thought of losing me." Kara's looking like she wants to hit him again; she gets one fist up but Lee catches hold of her wrist and he's got no intention of letting her go until he's let this out.
"You want to fight this out, that's fine with me, and maybe we'll keep fighting until neither of us is left standing. But guess what, Kara, I might lose you tomorrow same as you might lose me, and that's just a fact. Do you know how hard it is, writing up the rosters every day and realising that I've signed you up for the firing squad day after day after day? It kills me, Kara, because I know that if you're killed out there, it's my fault because I signed your name and sent you out to die."
Kara has gone still against him and Lee can see her breathing hard. She opens her mouth to speak, looking angry, but Lee cuts across her. He's been sitting on all of this for so long, trying so hard to push it all away, the worry and the guilt, hoping that if he didn't think about it, it'd go away. But now it's all coming out and he's got to keep talking.
"If I thought I could keep you safe by keeping you at my side all the time, I'd do it, but gods know you'd never let me. So I have to let you go, and when you come back from these things so frakked up that I can't even imagine, well, that's my fault too. And I'm trying like hell to fix it, Kara, but I don't know what to do anymore."
Lee leans forward, presses his forehead to Kara's. She's breathing hard still; he can feel her chest rising and falling against his. She's pulling at him, trying to wrestle her arms back--so she can hit him, probably. He feels like he's run a marathon. Half an hour ago he and Kara were tugging at each other's clothes and he could feel the alcohol in his veins; now he just feels like hitting something. Kara makes a small sound; she's almost freed her other hand, so he grabs her wrist, holding her fast. Lee realises he's still speaking, his words coming harsh and quiet in the silence.
"Every time you go out, I keep picturing your Viper exploding, or I'm waiting, dreading hearing that you haven't made it back. And every time you land I feel like I should be praying because it's another day you're still alive."
"Frak you," she whispers, and he thinks it sounds a little strained. "Why the frak do you care, Apollo? I didn't see you agonising over Jo-Jo or Chuckles or Flat-top or--" She breaks off, pushing against him. "Let me go, you frakker, or I swear to gods--" She wrenches herself away and backs up, glaring at Lee, but her eyes are looking red-rimmed and Lee thinks he's pushed her too far this time.
"What is this, Lee?" she asks, and the mockery in her voice hurts; she doesn't believe him, Lee's sure of that, and she thinks he's over-reacting, being melodramatic. "Is this how you deal with it, Lee, how you deal with all the kids we've gotten killed out there? Is this how you rationalise it? By telling yourself that, oh, well, at least it's not Kara, at least it's not the frak-up, because if she bites it then we're really screwed!" Her face twists as she laughs, but the sound comes out harsh and low. "Is that what this is, Lee?"
"Dammit, Kara, no! It's not--" Lee runs a hand over his face and tries not to think about hitting her, about pressing her against a wall, about shaking her until she gets it. "Kara, I'm not saying that--"
"Forget it, Lee," Kara interrupts him, throwing her hands up. "Just, frakking forget it. I don't care anymore, Lee, I'm done. Okay? I just... I'm done. I'm sick of people dying, I'm sick of being part of it, I'm sick of having nothing left to live for, nothing to die for, no reason for anything." She's shouldering past him now, headed for the door again.
"I think it's great, Lee, that you want to blame yourself and not face the fact that I'm just as much to blame for people being dead, but I don't care anymore. Earlier, I thought maybe we were on the same page, that you wanted out for a while same as I did. Just a good frak to keep the mind off everything else. And I thought maybe you'd understand, since you apparently care about me so much and all, but I'm done. This is too much, Lee, and I really can't handle this right now."
She's almost to the door when Lee manages to open his mouth. "It's because I love you, Kara." He hears her hesitate. "That's why, earlier... it's why I wanted this, Kara, it's why I said yes. It's why I frakking said all of this to begin with. Because I love you, and I just... I want you to understand. I want you to let me in, Kara, even if you don't believe me. Because I know you're hurting. And I want to help."
He doesn't look at her; he can't. She's silent behind him and he hates it because he can't see her face, can't tell what she's thinking. The silence has time to almost become ugly, but then Kara takes a breath and Lee holds his. A moment later, he feels it catch in his throat when Kara finally speaks.
"You love me, Lee. And gods know I love you. But I loved Zak, too, and maybe I loved Sam. And all I know is that they're both dead now because of me. So if you really love me, Lee, you'll give me a reason to hate you before I have a chance to get you killed."
Lee feels his heart twist unpleasantly in his chest and he spins to face her. But the hatch has swung wide and once again he's too late. She's gone.
FIN