(no subject)
I never update this thing anymore... life is sweet right now... though I still have this awful part that I want so badly to change. It is really destroying me...and it isn't even worth it anymore. Well, I am in a relationship with someone actually compatible to me. Surprisingly he is compatible, lol. He's a dom <3 So important. He makes me laugh, and is super confident. It shows... I realise now that I was with someone who wasn't confident when I thought he was just because he was a dom. No way... his insecurity made me suffer so much, he did not treat me the way I deserved. But that's okay, because I wouldn't have ended up where I am without going through everything that I did :) So it is what it is. Now I can be even more grateful for my boyfriend teehee~ And, I should listen to my own, and my friend's judgement. Seriously, like more than half of my friends who ever met my ex got such a bad impression/bad vibes off him. I didn't even like him lol. My friends who met James so far like him and it's such a nice feeling. With James, I didn't *want* to like him, yet couldn't help myself once I got to know him. Very different. But, now that I know him much better, my feelings keep growing. And we've been through some shit together already with my recent surprise withdawal H bender. And, he knows how to handle issues properly, unlike Xander who handled so many things oh so HORRIBLY OMG. What was I seriously thinking.
I'm going to apply for some bar jobs soon. Moving in with Vinnie to keep rent costs down since I keep getting further into debt trying to pay for my lovely home. Sigh. James already paid one of my bills and offered to help me out with a bunch more but I just could not let him do that cause I really care about him. And it wouldn't feel right yet. But i'm goinng to make things right asap. I care a lot about this relationship. We're already talking about moving in with each other too. Heh~ it's gonna be cute I think.
Also...he says his life has improved a lot with me in it. And I was thinking about it and actually, I can say mine has too, although it was starting to improve before him lol. But...he's very encouraging with the things that matter to me. And actually so have my friends, especially Kai. And Maggie too! Omg, so many fun things are happening with pole, so quickly! People want to come to me for privates and I haven't even been poling for a year. I've done a couple performances, won a competition with a money prize, have more performances lined up and interest. So..things are quite good in that department.
But gosh.... that one thing weighing heavy on my mind, it just brings me down. I've got to fix it. Knowing I have to go to that dreaded place tomorrow... it's so fucking depressing. I cannot go on like this. It isn't fair to the people in my life.
I'm going to apply for some bar jobs soon. Moving in with Vinnie to keep rent costs down since I keep getting further into debt trying to pay for my lovely home. Sigh. James already paid one of my bills and offered to help me out with a bunch more but I just could not let him do that cause I really care about him. And it wouldn't feel right yet. But i'm goinng to make things right asap. I care a lot about this relationship. We're already talking about moving in with each other too. Heh~ it's gonna be cute I think.
Also...he says his life has improved a lot with me in it. And I was thinking about it and actually, I can say mine has too, although it was starting to improve before him lol. But...he's very encouraging with the things that matter to me. And actually so have my friends, especially Kai. And Maggie too! Omg, so many fun things are happening with pole, so quickly! People want to come to me for privates and I haven't even been poling for a year. I've done a couple performances, won a competition with a money prize, have more performances lined up and interest. So..things are quite good in that department.
But gosh.... that one thing weighing heavy on my mind, it just brings me down. I've got to fix it. Knowing I have to go to that dreaded place tomorrow... it's so fucking depressing. I cannot go on like this. It isn't fair to the people in my life.