Gift fic for yamapi_luver4
Gift fic for: yamapi_luver4
From: newsficcon
Title: Never Ending Wonderful Story
Rating: G, Bit of Angst
Pairing: NEWS (Friendship)
Warnings: About RyoPi leaving NEWS- how they managed things after the decision. Mentions of Kanjani8.
Summary: How do you say goodbye to something that is long gone?
We won't say our goodbyes, you know it's better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change
(All We Are, One Republic)
“Ne, Pi,” Ryo mumbles, low voice escaping from his mouth after a long silence. Since the meeting, he has not said anything at all. He felt like a coward. He talked but he could not look straight to the eyes of the members.
Ex-members. Right. He almost forgot that he is out of the group, finally.
Finally.
“What?” Pi asks, sounding just as troubled as Ryo. He has been prepared for this. But he honestly did not expect that the meeting would be as light and casual as it had been. He tries to brush it off to feel less guilty. But having Ryo beside him now is not exactly helping.
As usual, Ryo is overthinking.
“Something’s off,” Ryo manages after clearing his throat. He hates this. He hates suppressing his feelings but he hates letting it all out too since he tends to deliver the simplest message in the rudest manner. The conversation they just had was one thing he, as much as possible, avoided for the last eight years.
Eight freaking years. And to think, he never had been ready.
“Why?” Pi asks again, agreeing to Ryo but unsure about what part he was referring to was off.
“I understand Massu and Koyama. But Shige and Tegoshi, they should not have been as quiet as they turned out to be, right?” Ryo says, brows twitching in confusion.
Truth be told, Yamapi could not agree more. But he could not say anything to that, too. He opened his mouth, about to tell Ryo that he does not know the answer. But something comes out instead.
“Maybe they’ve grown… matured. I don’t know. And Shige’s scared of you.”
Ryo fell silent to that. He could not think of anything else now. He could not think of any reason his mind would accept to finally stop thinking.
“That’s what I’ve been thinking, too,” he sighs. “It’s awful how things can change in one year. One day you’re members. One day you’re not. One day you’re their aniki. One day you fail them. Probably even lose their respect.”
Yamapi’s heart clenches. He never analyzed these kinds of things this way.
Now he wonders. What does that say about him as the group’s ex-leader?
Ex sounds awful. It feels incredibly awful to be honest.
***
There are days when Ryo just wants to be alone. Days in which he does not bother to see who’s calling him and who’s waiting for him outside his door. He seriously has not figured out yet why he has these kinds of days but he is just thankful right now that everyone who knows him will respect this alone time he wants to have once in a while.
But then again, his bell had been ringing for the last ten minutes and he cannot ignore it any longer.
“What the hell?” he grumbles, seeing a mad-eyed Shige. He suddenly remembers that the younger did not even speak a word when he told that he is also leaving the group with Yamapi. As if they always knew it. Once Yamapi gets the courage to leave, it would be the time to say goodbye to him, too.
It would be his greatest chance.
“You’re not even trying,” Shige says bluntly. Ryo is between impressed and shocked. Never has Shige used that tone in him.
“To?” Ryo asks him, totally confused about what he is implying.
“Make us feel better, I guess? I don’t know. What do you think?” Now Ryo thinks it might not be Shige talking to him. Cause he is mad. Really mad like Ryo had never seen before.
“Look, hate me all you want but I can’t back out now,” he said, “and even if I can, I won’t.” Ryo’s voice has suddenly become stern, too- as if he is keeping up with Shige’s mood. He’s always been like this. He would not want the others to see him as a soft guy. If Shige wants to talk this way, he’s game. Totally.
But when Shige heard what Ryo just said, he felt crushed- realizing that Ryo had always been that merciless poison-tongued member of the group. “Right, I forgot you hate us. You’ve always wanted to run away from us, right?”
“Shige?”
“What? Isn’t that true? You’ve always hurried to go home after work,” he says as- a- matter- of- factly.
“I do that all the time. Even when I work alone or with Kanjani8!” Ryo explains, sounding more defensive than factual.
“But you’re ten times faster when you work with us!”
“What?” Ryo asks in disbelief.
Shige falls silent, realizing that he’s just saying unnecessary things to talk back at Ryo. To make him feel bad, sorry even.
“Shige, I know you’re mad. But you’ve listened to what I had to say. And I don’t know what to say anymore to make you feel better. To make this leaving easy for all of us. If you want to punch me, go. Do whatever you want. I won’t fight back,” Ryo says, almost desperately. He does not like this conversation. He does not like anything negative about his leaving so he is trying to make a compromise now. As much as he can. As calmly as he can.
“I used to look up to you as our aniki,” Shige says instead.
Ryo blushes a bit, remembering that interview. “I know that. I was thankful. And I still am.”
“But I don’t feel that anymore.”
Ryo’s mouth circled a bit. A sense of humiliation rushed through his veins. Okay, he wanted to say. He just wanted Shige to shut up because he does not know if he can take this conversation any longer.
“You failed,” Shige adds and Ryo holds his breath.
Reality hurts. And it actually is hurting right now more than he ever thought. He knows he failed them. But he did not actually think that someone would shove it on his face.
“If that’s what you think, then yes I did,” he presses his eyes, making it sure that his voice will not break.
“I hate you,” Shige looks at him in the eye. He wants to look away but he cannot. He hates himself just as much, he wants to say. But he does not want to appear pathetic in front of anyone either.
“I know,” he says instead.
“Stop talking like that!” Shige raises his voice. And Shige never raised his voice so this is definitely something new.
Ryo does not know how to respond properly at that. “How do you want me to talk then? What do you want me to say?” he asks because he really does not have any clue.
“How about an ‘I am sorry’?”
“I’ve said I’m sorry. And if you want to hear that again, I am sorry,” Ryo apologizes. And he means it.
“How about feel a bit more sorry?” Ryo feels wrath in Shige’s words. And it stings because he does not know what is more sorry. He is sorry. He feels bad about it. Up to what extent does he have to feel to finally get out of this?
Shige waits and Ryo rushes his mind to think of anything to say. The younger’s eyes piercing madly. He can’t take it anymore. Maybe, he just had to let it go. “I am sorry. I’m sorry I had to decide okay? I’m sorry that I had to do this now. I’m sorry I had to wait for eight years, for the right timing. I never wanted to quit but I knew someday I would need to. Want to. But one thing that I was never sure of was if I had to do it as soon as year one or as late as year eight. I didn’t know okay. I didn’t know. And I’m sorry,” he just needed it, maybe. He just needed Shige to get mad at him to let it all out, to be carefree about his words.
Ryo watches Shige look away and close his eyes for a few seconds. “Why?” Shige asks. “Why do I want you to feel very much sorry for hurting us like this, leaving us like this, when I know that you actually don’t need to?”
Because he’s mad. Shige knows that.
“Why do I still look up to you as a brother even though you clearly have abandoned us?”
Ryo does not answer. He does not know what to say else after what he just said. Shige looks at him fiercely and before he knew it, he felt a throbbing pain in his chest, a punch that made him lose a bit of balance.
“I hate you,” Shige tells him but he feels the opposite. Within seconds he witnessed how Shige takes off his mask of courage.
Shige is mad. But actually, he just feels more… sad and frustrated.
***
Much to their surprise, they managed to act normal after releasing the statements. The jimusho have guarded everything. Just taking things slowly, one pace at a time. But it was only until now- when Ryo is making his way out of the crowd he spends most of his nights with- that he had thought if everything would be different if all six of them were in the same circle of friends.
Would everything have been different?
“How about going out together. One last time?” Ryo suggests out of the blue.
“First and last time, I guess?” Pi smiles, sad lines forming across his face. Ryo saw them. But he decided not to acknowledge them. As if the weary feeling does not reflect to his face these days, too. Just the thought of introducing himself as a part of just one band now is too uncomfortable.
But he chose this, didn’t he?
***
Ryo had suggested it. But Pi took the courage in inviting the four for dinner, suggested that they could even probably go to the bar after, too.
None of them replied. And receiving nothing on Pi’s phone hurt Ryo just as much.
He wanted to this. They both did. But why does it hurt?
***
It is the night they are supposed to dine together. Ryo had envisioned talking things over the table he and Yamapi had reserved. He doesn’t know what ‘things’ are those but he just wanted to talk. Probably, he wanted them to yell at him too- something that he was in charge of doing when he was still a part of the group. They maybe could talk the same way he and Shige did, it does not really matter. As long as they do. As long as they end up okay after.
He is already hurting. But he would feel better if he hurts because of some words thrown than silence, right?
“Massu,” Pi mumbles in surprise, he almost choked from the food he was eating when a smiling Massu came with Koyama and Shige.
The two were surprised, seriously surprised that they could only just smile and offer food. Massu, the buta as Ryo used to tease, started eating happily while Koyama meets Ryo’s eyes.
“Tego-nyan?” again, Ryo feels like a coward, scared of asking because he is not sure if he actually wants to know the answer.
“Tegoshi’s coming in a bit, I suppose,” a flush of relief finally visited Ryo and Pi’s chests because it was getting so much better than expected.
Twenty minutes later, Tegoshi came in, all smiling as if nothing had happened. Ryo watches in silence. As if nothing happened. He is also cool with that, too. If they are actually okay, then great. But when he looks at Tegoshi again, he just cannot say the same thing.
***
Let us admit. Tell Pi everything is alright, he will believe it. He does not want to overthink like Ryo because it makes him insane. When Tegoshi arrived, smiling again unlike the last time, he felt everything was okay again. He wants to believe that. And he does not want to look at Ryo’s troubled eyes because he knows he will feel haunted again.
Ryo cannot sit still. And he is wondering if this is guilt or what?
He had always been mean, but never in his entire life had he felt this guilty- or maybe just generally sad that he is almost hyperventilating.
“Tegoshi,” he called out, “let’s walk home?”
Tegoshi smiled at that and agreed. “Ryo-chan’s being kind,” he teased and Ryo blushed.
Looking at how Ryo and Tegoshi crossed the road as he, Massu, Koyama and Shige waited for a cab made Yamapi a little jealous. Throughout the years, he had never felt the same connection Tegoshi and Ryo had with anyone in the group except well, maybe Ryo, too. Maybe it was the reason that is why leaving the group with Ryo was easier for him.
But then again, maybe it was also the reason why he had to wait for eight years to finally do that.
Because it is not really that easy to walk out on something you honestly still wanted to work on.
***
The wind is starting to get a little cold, Ryo thought. Silence was their other company until Tegoshi talked. “Where did your poison tongue go, Ryo-kun?” Tegoshi asks harmlessly.
Ryo stares at the younger, quite bewildered.
“I knew it,” Tegoshi laughs a little, looking away.
“Knew what?”
“That’s it’s going to be like this. You will leave and feel guilty about it. Am I right?”
Ryo feels so ambushed that there’s nothing he could say anymore.
“Your eyes had always been the clue. It always gives you away,” Tegoshi explains, sighing at the last sentence. “I’m just glad that you have stayed this long, if that’s what you are worried about.”
Still, Ryo does not say a thing.
“We’re going to continue. And so you are, and Yamashita-kun, too. But I’m not mad. Hell, I’m not happy but I’m not mad,” he confesses.
Ryo feels like punching himself again, he hates himself for causing this kind of unhappiness to them. He had always made it a point to never bother them. He will work until he passes out just to not tell them he is feeling sick. He’s been always like that, doing everything alone when we can share the load, Massu said once.
“I’m sorry,” is all that Ryo could say. How does one reply to that?
“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Ryo-kun. And you just left the group, not us,” Tegoshi humored and Ryo nodded in agreement. These are the times where he leaves the talking to Tegoshi- just because he knows the other one is keeping a lot of things in his heart, too.
It’s the least thing he could do now. To listen.
“It’s sad, though, that we won’t get to harmonize anymore. Or tease you on stage for an impromptu spiel. Guess we have to say goodbye to that and more, right?” Tegoshi says as if he is playing all those memories in his head right now.
Ryo thinks and a question pops in his mind.
How do you say goodbye to something that is long gone, really?
“Ryo-kun,” Tegoshi stops at the corner of the street they agreed to part ways. Ryo looks at him, unaware of the question he is about to get asked.
“We are friends, right? We were friends and we still are?” he asks warily, looking desperately to get a yes.
“Of course, why did you even have to ask that?” Ryo feels insulted, he wants to get mad- feeling that even the friendship he has with them is being doubted just because he left.
Just because he left. Just?
Tegoshi smiles. “So it’s okay. You can go back to your family. But we’ll always be here. Just like you’ll be there for us?” he asks guiltlessly and it made Ryo’s chest tighten.
From time to time, he feels guilty about calling Kanjani8 as family when he was with NEWS, he was kind of different- referring to them with a few reservations. He wanted to just leave it like that. Not supporting nor complaining any of Tegoshi’s thoughts.
Not until the other sentences the younger uttered echoed in his mind again.
But we’ll always be here. Just like you’ll be there for us?
“Of course, Tegoshi. Of course,” he repeats- as if it was the only thing to say.
Tegoshi smiles at him again. “Arigatou, Ryo-kun,” and Ryo notices that it was an unhappy smile. He just nods shyly, a defense mechanism whenever he’s out of words.
“I’ll go the other way now,” Tegoshi points to the other direction “Sayonara! Ryo-kun,” and waves.
Ryo does, too. Except that he feels that it was more than just a goodbye.
He swallows the lump on his throat, pats his chest a little.
This uneasy feeling will not leave him anytime soon, he knows.
***
Yamapi heard about the talks Ryo had with Shige and Tegoshi. He does not want to admit it yet again, that little feeling of jealousy is slowly growing inside him. He honestly wanted to have that kind of talk- a difficult one.
Because maybe, just like Ryo- he could also feel a bit relieved, he could feel at bit more at ease- going there at least.
“Hello,” Pi turns to see the familiar voice and confirms that it was Koyama. He smiles at him as he nears. As much as he wants to remember if they were close or far enough to have a difficult conversation, he realizes the answer. No.
Koyama sits beside him casually, not looking at him in the eye but the white painted walls they both were facing. For a long time, there was a silence that was slowly giving Pi goose bumps. He would like to ask why Koyama is here- as if they would just hang out like that, right?
“I was thinking…” but Koyama suddenly spoke and Pi opted to listen. “I was thinking if I could be the group’s leader. Now that… you’re going solo,” he says shyly.
Pi feels a stinging pain in his chest. But he isn’t sure about what part of what Koyama just said hurt him. Was it him, going solo- leaving them? Or was it Koyama asking if he could be replaced as NEWS’ leader?
Had he not been attached to the group like Ryo was, he would not feel like this.
“Koyama,” he mutters, not knowing what to say.
“Well, I was just thinking about it since you know, I’m the oldest…” he laughs sweetly, “so yeah.”
It was just fast but Pi felt seconds like hours. So does he have to decide now? Does he have the right to decide in the first place? He has left the group in his own discretion. He has nothing to do with them anymore. Why is Koyama even asking him?
Koyama looks at him expectantly and Yamapi is finding it hard to breathe. He was hoping for a difficult conversation. And now he’s having it.
Unfortunately, he did not get the memo from Ryo that it does not really feel good.
He has to give away the leadership. Fuck, he’s going solo.
“Are you alright?” Koyama, being the mother of the group that he is, asks in worry as Yamapi’s face turned almost white.
“Of course,” he replies without fully processing anything. He has some idea about what to say right. “I’ve always believed in you. I think you being the group’s leader from now on would be great!”
He’s told that. But it was actually later when he realized that it’s different now. True, he knows Koyama can handle the three. But he actually never thought that having that said officially would affect him.
He is no longer NEWS’ leader. And it had been a huge part of his life for so long.
“Thanks!” Koyama responds gratefully and smiles- the bright smile that he wants to take as an assurance.
Pi thinks again for a second. That’s when he realizes the best thing he could say before anything ends here.
“Koyama…”
“Yes?”
“Take good care of them, will you? Can you do that for me?” he asks, almost begging.
Koyama smiles refreshingly. Assurance. That’s what he needs to let go completely. And he has it.
“I will. I will not make you or Ryo-chan worry about us. We’ll be fine, that’s for sure,” he says with conviction.
Yamapi made those lines play around his head over and over. It is hard. But it feels definitely better.
“Thank you,” he says wholeheartedly.
“No,” Koyama shrugs, “thank you.”
For those eight years. For those eight years of being on stage together. Performing together. A lot of things had happened between those eight years.
And he wouldn’t trade those eight years for anything else.
***
Ryo is slouching on one couch, a bit tipsy already when Yamapi arrives. Yamapi thinks Ryo must have known what happened hours ago. Koyama must have tipped him off because of the way Ryo was looking at him was strange. After so many weeks, Ryo’s smiling again, just how he feels his lips form a curl, too.
Yamapi sits next to Ryo and angles for a cigarette. Ryo coughs but he does not stop hitting. “I think it’s safe to say that everything’s going to be fine now,” Yamapi says, making circles from the cigarette’s smoke.
Ryo may seem to have fallen asleep but he’s wide awake and he clearly understands every bit of Yamapi’s words.
“They will be fine. We’ll all be,” he says and he is sure about it.
Yamapi does not say anything after that. Ryo either. They spend the night less bothered. But within the laughter, with everything they do, are things that regularly visit them.
“You failed.”
“Sayonara, Ryo-kun.”
“No, thank you.”
It finally had ended. But even though their commitment to the group has already been terminated, no one can say that the relationship they have built will stop, too. It will not fade away.
“We are friends, right? We were friends and we still are?”
They are all friends. Hell yeah, they are all friends. That’s what matters. They are friends. And that friendship was built off the camera. Off the work. It’s something people can doubt about. But in their hearts, they know the truth. NEWS has ended one chapter of its book. But it will always be a Never Ending Wonderful Story. It’s a story about life, music, friendship, mistakes and forgiveness.
It’s their story. Played by no one but themselves.
How do you say goodbye to something that is long gone?
You don’t say goodbye because nothing is actually completely gone.
You let go.
You get over.
You move on.
Because change is the only constant thing in this world and no one is exempted from that.
From: newsficcon
Title: Never Ending Wonderful Story
Rating: G, Bit of Angst
Pairing: NEWS (Friendship)
Warnings: About RyoPi leaving NEWS- how they managed things after the decision. Mentions of Kanjani8.
Summary: How do you say goodbye to something that is long gone?
We won't say our goodbyes, you know it's better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change
(All We Are, One Republic)
“Ne, Pi,” Ryo mumbles, low voice escaping from his mouth after a long silence. Since the meeting, he has not said anything at all. He felt like a coward. He talked but he could not look straight to the eyes of the members.
Ex-members. Right. He almost forgot that he is out of the group, finally.
Finally.
“What?” Pi asks, sounding just as troubled as Ryo. He has been prepared for this. But he honestly did not expect that the meeting would be as light and casual as it had been. He tries to brush it off to feel less guilty. But having Ryo beside him now is not exactly helping.
As usual, Ryo is overthinking.
“Something’s off,” Ryo manages after clearing his throat. He hates this. He hates suppressing his feelings but he hates letting it all out too since he tends to deliver the simplest message in the rudest manner. The conversation they just had was one thing he, as much as possible, avoided for the last eight years.
Eight freaking years. And to think, he never had been ready.
“Why?” Pi asks again, agreeing to Ryo but unsure about what part he was referring to was off.
“I understand Massu and Koyama. But Shige and Tegoshi, they should not have been as quiet as they turned out to be, right?” Ryo says, brows twitching in confusion.
Truth be told, Yamapi could not agree more. But he could not say anything to that, too. He opened his mouth, about to tell Ryo that he does not know the answer. But something comes out instead.
“Maybe they’ve grown… matured. I don’t know. And Shige’s scared of you.”
Ryo fell silent to that. He could not think of anything else now. He could not think of any reason his mind would accept to finally stop thinking.
“That’s what I’ve been thinking, too,” he sighs. “It’s awful how things can change in one year. One day you’re members. One day you’re not. One day you’re their aniki. One day you fail them. Probably even lose their respect.”
Yamapi’s heart clenches. He never analyzed these kinds of things this way.
Now he wonders. What does that say about him as the group’s ex-leader?
Ex sounds awful. It feels incredibly awful to be honest.
***
There are days when Ryo just wants to be alone. Days in which he does not bother to see who’s calling him and who’s waiting for him outside his door. He seriously has not figured out yet why he has these kinds of days but he is just thankful right now that everyone who knows him will respect this alone time he wants to have once in a while.
But then again, his bell had been ringing for the last ten minutes and he cannot ignore it any longer.
“What the hell?” he grumbles, seeing a mad-eyed Shige. He suddenly remembers that the younger did not even speak a word when he told that he is also leaving the group with Yamapi. As if they always knew it. Once Yamapi gets the courage to leave, it would be the time to say goodbye to him, too.
It would be his greatest chance.
“You’re not even trying,” Shige says bluntly. Ryo is between impressed and shocked. Never has Shige used that tone in him.
“To?” Ryo asks him, totally confused about what he is implying.
“Make us feel better, I guess? I don’t know. What do you think?” Now Ryo thinks it might not be Shige talking to him. Cause he is mad. Really mad like Ryo had never seen before.
“Look, hate me all you want but I can’t back out now,” he said, “and even if I can, I won’t.” Ryo’s voice has suddenly become stern, too- as if he is keeping up with Shige’s mood. He’s always been like this. He would not want the others to see him as a soft guy. If Shige wants to talk this way, he’s game. Totally.
But when Shige heard what Ryo just said, he felt crushed- realizing that Ryo had always been that merciless poison-tongued member of the group. “Right, I forgot you hate us. You’ve always wanted to run away from us, right?”
“Shige?”
“What? Isn’t that true? You’ve always hurried to go home after work,” he says as- a- matter- of- factly.
“I do that all the time. Even when I work alone or with Kanjani8!” Ryo explains, sounding more defensive than factual.
“But you’re ten times faster when you work with us!”
“What?” Ryo asks in disbelief.
Shige falls silent, realizing that he’s just saying unnecessary things to talk back at Ryo. To make him feel bad, sorry even.
“Shige, I know you’re mad. But you’ve listened to what I had to say. And I don’t know what to say anymore to make you feel better. To make this leaving easy for all of us. If you want to punch me, go. Do whatever you want. I won’t fight back,” Ryo says, almost desperately. He does not like this conversation. He does not like anything negative about his leaving so he is trying to make a compromise now. As much as he can. As calmly as he can.
“I used to look up to you as our aniki,” Shige says instead.
Ryo blushes a bit, remembering that interview. “I know that. I was thankful. And I still am.”
“But I don’t feel that anymore.”
Ryo’s mouth circled a bit. A sense of humiliation rushed through his veins. Okay, he wanted to say. He just wanted Shige to shut up because he does not know if he can take this conversation any longer.
“You failed,” Shige adds and Ryo holds his breath.
Reality hurts. And it actually is hurting right now more than he ever thought. He knows he failed them. But he did not actually think that someone would shove it on his face.
“If that’s what you think, then yes I did,” he presses his eyes, making it sure that his voice will not break.
“I hate you,” Shige looks at him in the eye. He wants to look away but he cannot. He hates himself just as much, he wants to say. But he does not want to appear pathetic in front of anyone either.
“I know,” he says instead.
“Stop talking like that!” Shige raises his voice. And Shige never raised his voice so this is definitely something new.
Ryo does not know how to respond properly at that. “How do you want me to talk then? What do you want me to say?” he asks because he really does not have any clue.
“How about an ‘I am sorry’?”
“I’ve said I’m sorry. And if you want to hear that again, I am sorry,” Ryo apologizes. And he means it.
“How about feel a bit more sorry?” Ryo feels wrath in Shige’s words. And it stings because he does not know what is more sorry. He is sorry. He feels bad about it. Up to what extent does he have to feel to finally get out of this?
Shige waits and Ryo rushes his mind to think of anything to say. The younger’s eyes piercing madly. He can’t take it anymore. Maybe, he just had to let it go. “I am sorry. I’m sorry I had to decide okay? I’m sorry that I had to do this now. I’m sorry I had to wait for eight years, for the right timing. I never wanted to quit but I knew someday I would need to. Want to. But one thing that I was never sure of was if I had to do it as soon as year one or as late as year eight. I didn’t know okay. I didn’t know. And I’m sorry,” he just needed it, maybe. He just needed Shige to get mad at him to let it all out, to be carefree about his words.
Ryo watches Shige look away and close his eyes for a few seconds. “Why?” Shige asks. “Why do I want you to feel very much sorry for hurting us like this, leaving us like this, when I know that you actually don’t need to?”
Because he’s mad. Shige knows that.
“Why do I still look up to you as a brother even though you clearly have abandoned us?”
Ryo does not answer. He does not know what to say else after what he just said. Shige looks at him fiercely and before he knew it, he felt a throbbing pain in his chest, a punch that made him lose a bit of balance.
“I hate you,” Shige tells him but he feels the opposite. Within seconds he witnessed how Shige takes off his mask of courage.
Shige is mad. But actually, he just feels more… sad and frustrated.
***
Much to their surprise, they managed to act normal after releasing the statements. The jimusho have guarded everything. Just taking things slowly, one pace at a time. But it was only until now- when Ryo is making his way out of the crowd he spends most of his nights with- that he had thought if everything would be different if all six of them were in the same circle of friends.
Would everything have been different?
“How about going out together. One last time?” Ryo suggests out of the blue.
“First and last time, I guess?” Pi smiles, sad lines forming across his face. Ryo saw them. But he decided not to acknowledge them. As if the weary feeling does not reflect to his face these days, too. Just the thought of introducing himself as a part of just one band now is too uncomfortable.
But he chose this, didn’t he?
***
Ryo had suggested it. But Pi took the courage in inviting the four for dinner, suggested that they could even probably go to the bar after, too.
None of them replied. And receiving nothing on Pi’s phone hurt Ryo just as much.
He wanted to this. They both did. But why does it hurt?
***
It is the night they are supposed to dine together. Ryo had envisioned talking things over the table he and Yamapi had reserved. He doesn’t know what ‘things’ are those but he just wanted to talk. Probably, he wanted them to yell at him too- something that he was in charge of doing when he was still a part of the group. They maybe could talk the same way he and Shige did, it does not really matter. As long as they do. As long as they end up okay after.
He is already hurting. But he would feel better if he hurts because of some words thrown than silence, right?
“Massu,” Pi mumbles in surprise, he almost choked from the food he was eating when a smiling Massu came with Koyama and Shige.
The two were surprised, seriously surprised that they could only just smile and offer food. Massu, the buta as Ryo used to tease, started eating happily while Koyama meets Ryo’s eyes.
“Tego-nyan?” again, Ryo feels like a coward, scared of asking because he is not sure if he actually wants to know the answer.
“Tegoshi’s coming in a bit, I suppose,” a flush of relief finally visited Ryo and Pi’s chests because it was getting so much better than expected.
Twenty minutes later, Tegoshi came in, all smiling as if nothing had happened. Ryo watches in silence. As if nothing happened. He is also cool with that, too. If they are actually okay, then great. But when he looks at Tegoshi again, he just cannot say the same thing.
***
Let us admit. Tell Pi everything is alright, he will believe it. He does not want to overthink like Ryo because it makes him insane. When Tegoshi arrived, smiling again unlike the last time, he felt everything was okay again. He wants to believe that. And he does not want to look at Ryo’s troubled eyes because he knows he will feel haunted again.
Ryo cannot sit still. And he is wondering if this is guilt or what?
He had always been mean, but never in his entire life had he felt this guilty- or maybe just generally sad that he is almost hyperventilating.
“Tegoshi,” he called out, “let’s walk home?”
Tegoshi smiled at that and agreed. “Ryo-chan’s being kind,” he teased and Ryo blushed.
Looking at how Ryo and Tegoshi crossed the road as he, Massu, Koyama and Shige waited for a cab made Yamapi a little jealous. Throughout the years, he had never felt the same connection Tegoshi and Ryo had with anyone in the group except well, maybe Ryo, too. Maybe it was the reason that is why leaving the group with Ryo was easier for him.
But then again, maybe it was also the reason why he had to wait for eight years to finally do that.
Because it is not really that easy to walk out on something you honestly still wanted to work on.
***
The wind is starting to get a little cold, Ryo thought. Silence was their other company until Tegoshi talked. “Where did your poison tongue go, Ryo-kun?” Tegoshi asks harmlessly.
Ryo stares at the younger, quite bewildered.
“I knew it,” Tegoshi laughs a little, looking away.
“Knew what?”
“That’s it’s going to be like this. You will leave and feel guilty about it. Am I right?”
Ryo feels so ambushed that there’s nothing he could say anymore.
“Your eyes had always been the clue. It always gives you away,” Tegoshi explains, sighing at the last sentence. “I’m just glad that you have stayed this long, if that’s what you are worried about.”
Still, Ryo does not say a thing.
“We’re going to continue. And so you are, and Yamashita-kun, too. But I’m not mad. Hell, I’m not happy but I’m not mad,” he confesses.
Ryo feels like punching himself again, he hates himself for causing this kind of unhappiness to them. He had always made it a point to never bother them. He will work until he passes out just to not tell them he is feeling sick. He’s been always like that, doing everything alone when we can share the load, Massu said once.
“I’m sorry,” is all that Ryo could say. How does one reply to that?
“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Ryo-kun. And you just left the group, not us,” Tegoshi humored and Ryo nodded in agreement. These are the times where he leaves the talking to Tegoshi- just because he knows the other one is keeping a lot of things in his heart, too.
It’s the least thing he could do now. To listen.
“It’s sad, though, that we won’t get to harmonize anymore. Or tease you on stage for an impromptu spiel. Guess we have to say goodbye to that and more, right?” Tegoshi says as if he is playing all those memories in his head right now.
Ryo thinks and a question pops in his mind.
How do you say goodbye to something that is long gone, really?
“Ryo-kun,” Tegoshi stops at the corner of the street they agreed to part ways. Ryo looks at him, unaware of the question he is about to get asked.
“We are friends, right? We were friends and we still are?” he asks warily, looking desperately to get a yes.
“Of course, why did you even have to ask that?” Ryo feels insulted, he wants to get mad- feeling that even the friendship he has with them is being doubted just because he left.
Just because he left. Just?
Tegoshi smiles. “So it’s okay. You can go back to your family. But we’ll always be here. Just like you’ll be there for us?” he asks guiltlessly and it made Ryo’s chest tighten.
From time to time, he feels guilty about calling Kanjani8 as family when he was with NEWS, he was kind of different- referring to them with a few reservations. He wanted to just leave it like that. Not supporting nor complaining any of Tegoshi’s thoughts.
Not until the other sentences the younger uttered echoed in his mind again.
But we’ll always be here. Just like you’ll be there for us?
“Of course, Tegoshi. Of course,” he repeats- as if it was the only thing to say.
Tegoshi smiles at him again. “Arigatou, Ryo-kun,” and Ryo notices that it was an unhappy smile. He just nods shyly, a defense mechanism whenever he’s out of words.
“I’ll go the other way now,” Tegoshi points to the other direction “Sayonara! Ryo-kun,” and waves.
Ryo does, too. Except that he feels that it was more than just a goodbye.
He swallows the lump on his throat, pats his chest a little.
This uneasy feeling will not leave him anytime soon, he knows.
***
Yamapi heard about the talks Ryo had with Shige and Tegoshi. He does not want to admit it yet again, that little feeling of jealousy is slowly growing inside him. He honestly wanted to have that kind of talk- a difficult one.
Because maybe, just like Ryo- he could also feel a bit relieved, he could feel at bit more at ease- going there at least.
“Hello,” Pi turns to see the familiar voice and confirms that it was Koyama. He smiles at him as he nears. As much as he wants to remember if they were close or far enough to have a difficult conversation, he realizes the answer. No.
Koyama sits beside him casually, not looking at him in the eye but the white painted walls they both were facing. For a long time, there was a silence that was slowly giving Pi goose bumps. He would like to ask why Koyama is here- as if they would just hang out like that, right?
“I was thinking…” but Koyama suddenly spoke and Pi opted to listen. “I was thinking if I could be the group’s leader. Now that… you’re going solo,” he says shyly.
Pi feels a stinging pain in his chest. But he isn’t sure about what part of what Koyama just said hurt him. Was it him, going solo- leaving them? Or was it Koyama asking if he could be replaced as NEWS’ leader?
Had he not been attached to the group like Ryo was, he would not feel like this.
“Koyama,” he mutters, not knowing what to say.
“Well, I was just thinking about it since you know, I’m the oldest…” he laughs sweetly, “so yeah.”
It was just fast but Pi felt seconds like hours. So does he have to decide now? Does he have the right to decide in the first place? He has left the group in his own discretion. He has nothing to do with them anymore. Why is Koyama even asking him?
Koyama looks at him expectantly and Yamapi is finding it hard to breathe. He was hoping for a difficult conversation. And now he’s having it.
Unfortunately, he did not get the memo from Ryo that it does not really feel good.
He has to give away the leadership. Fuck, he’s going solo.
“Are you alright?” Koyama, being the mother of the group that he is, asks in worry as Yamapi’s face turned almost white.
“Of course,” he replies without fully processing anything. He has some idea about what to say right. “I’ve always believed in you. I think you being the group’s leader from now on would be great!”
He’s told that. But it was actually later when he realized that it’s different now. True, he knows Koyama can handle the three. But he actually never thought that having that said officially would affect him.
He is no longer NEWS’ leader. And it had been a huge part of his life for so long.
“Thanks!” Koyama responds gratefully and smiles- the bright smile that he wants to take as an assurance.
Pi thinks again for a second. That’s when he realizes the best thing he could say before anything ends here.
“Koyama…”
“Yes?”
“Take good care of them, will you? Can you do that for me?” he asks, almost begging.
Koyama smiles refreshingly. Assurance. That’s what he needs to let go completely. And he has it.
“I will. I will not make you or Ryo-chan worry about us. We’ll be fine, that’s for sure,” he says with conviction.
Yamapi made those lines play around his head over and over. It is hard. But it feels definitely better.
“Thank you,” he says wholeheartedly.
“No,” Koyama shrugs, “thank you.”
For those eight years. For those eight years of being on stage together. Performing together. A lot of things had happened between those eight years.
And he wouldn’t trade those eight years for anything else.
***
Ryo is slouching on one couch, a bit tipsy already when Yamapi arrives. Yamapi thinks Ryo must have known what happened hours ago. Koyama must have tipped him off because of the way Ryo was looking at him was strange. After so many weeks, Ryo’s smiling again, just how he feels his lips form a curl, too.
Yamapi sits next to Ryo and angles for a cigarette. Ryo coughs but he does not stop hitting. “I think it’s safe to say that everything’s going to be fine now,” Yamapi says, making circles from the cigarette’s smoke.
Ryo may seem to have fallen asleep but he’s wide awake and he clearly understands every bit of Yamapi’s words.
“They will be fine. We’ll all be,” he says and he is sure about it.
Yamapi does not say anything after that. Ryo either. They spend the night less bothered. But within the laughter, with everything they do, are things that regularly visit them.
“You failed.”
“Sayonara, Ryo-kun.”
“No, thank you.”
It finally had ended. But even though their commitment to the group has already been terminated, no one can say that the relationship they have built will stop, too. It will not fade away.
“We are friends, right? We were friends and we still are?”
They are all friends. Hell yeah, they are all friends. That’s what matters. They are friends. And that friendship was built off the camera. Off the work. It’s something people can doubt about. But in their hearts, they know the truth. NEWS has ended one chapter of its book. But it will always be a Never Ending Wonderful Story. It’s a story about life, music, friendship, mistakes and forgiveness.
It’s their story. Played by no one but themselves.
How do you say goodbye to something that is long gone?
You don’t say goodbye because nothing is actually completely gone.
You let go.
You get over.
You move on.
Because change is the only constant thing in this world and no one is exempted from that.