A Voice in the Dark, Calling Your Name
"By a knight of ghostes and shadowes,
I summon'd am to tourney
Ten leagues beyond the wide world's end,
Methinks it is no journey."
How has it come to this? How has it gone from needing to hear you promise me you'd come back someday to me needing to know that you're out there at all?
I guess it's a bit of lie for me to ask you that. It's not like I don't know exactly how things have changed.
How have they changed for you?
Have you been as surrounded by space monkeys as I have?
...I've started smiting them lately. Well, the ones in IB. If you are honestly having trouble with the material, then I'm okay with helping you. In fact, I'm more than happy to help you. If you are a junior in the International Baccalaureate, a year older than me, and you are having difficulties because you are refusing to read the damn instructions, I will help you the first three times, ask if you're reading for the three to five after that, and then just smite you mercilessly if you continue to refuse to read the instructions even after I indicate to you almost exactly what to do and where it tells you how to do it.
Yeah. We had an "interesting" lab in biology on Thursday. There were only five of us in there, and I was done twenty-five minutes before everyone else.
I don't know how this can possibly be good for me, psychologically.
Well, I realize that it's more than therapeutic to write letters to someone one trusts as wholly as I trust you, but the person I'm using as a psychological stand-in for you probably doesn't remember me, much less think of me or care. Of course, in light of this, I will laugh if you turn out to be you, if you know what I mean.
Of course you do because you don't exist.
Well, perhaps you do, but I certainly haven't met you yet, or at least not at the right time in the right place.
I hope you exist.
I've been thinking about ideals and such a lot lately, and the truth has always been that you are my Ideal, except I gave you up for Jordan, and then I ignored you for a very long while until I came back around to Jordan, and now I'm glad to be back to you. You're better for me. You're perfect for me. How could I not be?
Still, as long as this doesn't... effect how things will be between us, I don't see it causing any harm.
How different does the music sound to you? Can you still hear it? Are we going in the same direction?
Come soon.
I begin to be afraid. The longer I go without touch, the more I fear it. I didn't feel anything when he kissed me, but what if there isn't anything more to it than that? What if I'm defective? What if my longing for something more is too great, and that's really all there is?
I need you to come soon. I can wait a little longer, but I don't know how long I have. If you're going to come to this place, it needs to be really soon, because I need to leave in a couple years. I don't want you bound to this place, partially because it would bind me here, but I also realize I have much less chance of finding you out there.
In a way, though, I have a much greater chance of finding you out there, should I attend Rice or NYU or Shimer. Shimer is in Chicago, and maybe I could find you there.
It's Houston I want, though... Another thing I fear is getting trapped in the city I go to college in because I'm so in love with it and never being able to go back. I want to go back. I need to go back. I fear losing that need; I fear not being able to go back.
Faith is just a promise I will make for you.