Belonging: Chapter Twenty Two
Author's Note: Yes, two chapters in one week, but I think I'd quite like to get the series finished before Christmas, so that it leads nicely into "The Next Doctor." Yikes, I'm gonna miss writing this so much!
Couple of things before the chapter starts: firstly I'm thrilled to report that the lovely laurab1 has very kindly made this cover for "Belonging" -
I love it. Thank you so much, Laura!
Also, please don't forget to vote for Belonging at the Children of Time Awards under Torchwood Dark/Angst, Torchwood Series and Torchwood WIP (the voting form is now fixed and Belonging by never_more_fics can be picked from the drop down menu).
And on to Chapter 22 - There's no actual sex in this chapter, although it does contain plenty of adult situations. I won't apologise for that, because I consider this series to be primarily an angst fic, and not a sex fic. Also, this is the longest chapter so far (over 5,500 words). Don't be too hard on Jack, he's just a needy little flower under all that macho bluff...
Title: Belonging - Chapter Twenty Two
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters Jack/Ten
Rating: This Chapter - R for adult themes and language
Spoilers: The Stolen Earth, Journey's End
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: m/m slash | angst
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
"You know what, Doc? I actually do feel cheap and used, and nobody, but nobody, has ever made me feel like that before!"
Chapter Twenty Two
It was the first time it had happened.
I'm talking about the Doctor falling asleep in my arms after we'd just made love. The times before this he'd got a little distant immediately after sex; he'd go cold on me, stare off into space or look up at the ceiling, like he was thinking about what we'd just done, or... I don't know. He sometimes wore a strange look on his face that disturbed me a little. I found it a little hurtful at first, but I'd promised myself that I wouldn't make an issue out of it.
Ianto is usually a drowsy cuddler after sex. I like to continue things a little; a few kisses, a few nibbles, a little tongue-teasing, like a cool-down after a particularly vigorous bout of exercise.
We're all different. So what if the Doctor likes to... ruminate? Hey, he's an alien, who am I to say what's right and what's wrong?
It could be worse; I once slept with a green female whose species was akin to that of an evolved giant Praying Mantis, if I hadn't been quick-minded enough to make a hasty exit through her bathroom window after we'd just had sex, she might very well have bitten my head off.
Anyway, this time the Doctor seemed a little more relaxed. He'd settled himself in my embrace, his head nestled comfortably in the crook of my arm, and before I knew it, his eyes had closed and he'd let out a little snore. We were laying on a patch of grass, naked, in the TARDIS garden, the odd green blade tickling me whenever I moved slightly. The ground felt amazingly soft and spongy. I'd long suspected the TARDIS reconfigured bits of herself to tailor whatever we needed at the time; it wasn't unfeasible to imagine she'd alter the area we happened to be lying on, to make it more comfortable.
I watched him sleep; the way Ianto watches me pretend to sleep a lot of the time. Having read his thoughts in my journal, I now know that he often spends the time wondering how he ended up with me, or simply basking in the relief that we're both still alive to be together after facing so many dangers. I felt a little like that now, about the Doctor. There were also other thoughts lurking in my head, slightly darker ones, if I'm honest. The Doctor had changed noticeably this past week or so, he seemed a lot happier, enthusiastic, energetic. He was almost back to his old self, in fact.
I should have been relieved and happy about that, and I was in a way, but there was a little knot in my stomach. A selfish little knot of fear. A part of me wished he wasn't recovering so quickly. Isn't that terrible? I was ashamed of myself for that, but its human nature, I guess. I was scared that soon he wouldn't need me to take care of him anymore, the way he had the past few months. I liked taking care of him. It made me feel like an important part of his life.
He looked so peaceful, just at that moment. Serene. All the pain, sadness and strain of the weight of responsibility he carried with him seemed to vanish from his face when he slept. I gazed at his face, mentally traced every curve, every aspect of his handsome features, every lock of his wild, spiky hair; the way some of the light brown strands looked splayed against the flesh of my embracing arm, and how some of them fell boyishly onto his forehead. I memorised the position of every freckle sprinkled across the bridge of his nose and cheeks.
I gazed at his smooth, flawless skin, remembering how it feels beneath my fingertips and lips, and at the slightly darker smudge of stubble on his upper lip and on the soft cleft and delicate curve of his chin. I visually traced the soft sideburns running down past the delectable shells of his ears.
I committed to memory the position of every long, dark eyelash that curled against the creamy flesh of his cheeks. His long, straight nose which is ever-so-slightly bent to the side, an imperfect feature that I find incredibly attractive. His expressive eyebrows, unmoving now in slumber.
His lips, pale pink and supple, still slightly swollen from the long, passionate kisses we'd shared a few moments ago. It always struck me that although he was always so cool to the touch, as I now knew that a Time Lord's body temperature is naturally a lot lower than that of a human's, his mouth was always impossibly hot.
My eyes moved down to trace the swell of his Adam's apple, the lines of his delicate throat and prominent collar bone. The curve of his slight shoulders, covered in more delicious freckles. Out of sight was his smooth back. That cute little mole between his shoulder blades had been an adorable little surprise. Slim arms, one of which was curled comfortably across his own stomach, the other encompassing both our bodies and resting against my side, his long fingers grazing my ribs.
I took in the soft arches of his pectorals, the dark nipples and the smattering of light brown hair on his chest, receding to a thinner line of fuzz which trails down his flat belly and ultimately leads to the neat patch of pubic hair below. Slightly prominent ribs, but that was something I'd grown to love. I enjoyed fitting the breadth of my tongue in the indentations between them and running it across in slow lines, making the Doctor squirm delightedly beneath me.
A slender waist, firm hips, and a surprisingly shapely swell of buttock were just about visible from my angle of vision. Taut thighs, lanky legs ending in large feet with attractive toes, toes I hadn't quite got round to sucking on yet, but that was something I definitely wanted to try soon.
Between those taut, creamy white thighs, of course, a more than adequate set of genitals, even in their current softened state as he slept. They looked, as far as I could tell, like the sexual organs of pretty much any other human male I'd slept with. He certainly produced seminal fluid when he orgasmed, and I hope it wouldn't be too personal to state that his semen looked and tasted similar to what I was used to, except maybe a little blander and sweeter.
All in all, he could reasonably pass for s healthy human adult male, although I daresay there might have been other slight differences to his biological make-up that I hadn't considered. I wondered if he was capable of fathering children with a different species to his own, or whether, in fact, male Time Lords could bear children themselves. He certainly had a cute navel, which indicated that he'd been attached to an umbilical cord at some point. Therefore, he must have been created as a baby in the usual way, and not grown in a tube, or something. But then again, I was only surmising. Those were the kind of questions I'd always longed to ask him, but never quite dared, in case it brought back bad memories of his lost family.
I wanted to visually trace and memorise every line and every feature of him; I wanted to always remember the scent of his skin and hair, the taste of his flesh and of his sweat. The beautiful expression on his face when I make him feel good, the glorious sounds he makes when he comes. The way it feels, his soul entwined with mine, when our psychic link is connected, the sense of his whispered words inside my head and the indescribable manner in which we become one person when we make love, because of that wonderful, unique gift of bonding he'd given to me.
We'd had sex half a dozen times over the past couple of weeks, the first few in his soft bed (I'd learned since that the candles weren't real, and he was able to dim or brighten the 'flames' with his sonic screwdriver to suit our mood) and the last couple of times in the fake open air of the TARDIS garden.
The awkwardness of our first time was lost now, and the Doctor seemed perfectly at ease with me exploring his body more intimately. There was barely an inch of him I hadn't kissed, stroked, licked or sucked. Apart from those luscious toes, of course. The Doctor seemed to be relaxing more too, not ashamed of showing me that he liked what I was doing to him. It was as though the pursuit of physical pleasure was a new concept to him, a highly interesting one, but yet it still seemed to be something that he held secondary to the psychic link we shared.
He was quite passive in our lovemaking. He'd explored my body tentatively, and had touched me intimately more than a few times, as if to show that he was making an effort, but he seemed more at ease letting me take care of the physical part of our lovemaking, and to be honest I really didn't mind. I loved touching his body, giving him pleasure. I just wish he'd loosen up a little and let himself enjoy it more.
No, I didn't mind taking care of him in that way. He more than made up for it in other ways.
He'd quickly honed his skills at controlling the psychic energy, to the point where the memory of the incredible sensations he could produce in my body was pretty much all I could think about. I was almost scared that it could be addictive.
Although physically I'd topped the Doctor every time so far, it felt as though he was... not in control, as such... it's hard to put into words, somehow, the way he'd make me feel. That's not to say I didn't love every moment of it, but the way he took command of the psychic, mental aspect of our coupling made me feel out of my depth sometimes... a little intimidated, even. But somehow it made me feel more alive than I've felt in a very long time. Which, coming from a man who can't die, is a weird thing to say, I guess, but there you are.
I lay there, gazing at my beautiful Time Lord, looking at his face, watching his chest rising and falling rhythmically as he breathed. I longed to kiss him, but I didn't want to wake him. He slept so little as it was. I leaned over him, held my lips half an inch above his. I held my breath so that he wouldn't be disturbed by the sensation of warm air on his face. I stayed there for a long moment, our lips so close I could almost feel a tingle of static pass between them.
I leaned back a little and inhaled slowly, my eyes still fixed upon his serene face. Suddenly, the Doctor made me start by opening one eye. After a moment, he opened the other eye, and grinned at me.
"What are you thinking, Jackity-Jack?" He sounded a little drowsy.
"Just thinking about how gorgeous you are."
He smiled. "Oh, you..." his long fingers tickled my side.
I stroked his hair, my forehead wrinkling slightly. "You seem... different lately."
His hand slipped from my side as he straightened himself out flat on his back and stretched languidly like a cat. "Oh yes! I definitely feel different, Jack. Pretty much like my old self. Feeling brilliant, in fact. Bellissimo! Molto Bene!" He looked at me and grinned boyishly.
I nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah. I thought so too." I didn't take my eyes off him as he sat up and tipped his head back, eyes closed, as though basking under a non-existent sun.
There was a short silence. I suddenly had a very bad feeling. I sat up too, folded my legs in front of me, and gazed at him.
The Doctor straightened his head, opened his eyes and looked at me solemnly. It was as though he'd been wondering how to break something to me.
He nodded. "Yeah. Feeling... better and better every day, actually. In fact... been thinking these past couple of days, there's no point me stopping here much longer, really. Should be getting out there, shouldn't I? Back out in the universe. Traveller, that's me. People probably... well, they need me, I suppose."
I nodded dumbly. I felt numb.
He reached out to me and tenderly caressed my shoulder. "It's all because of you, you know. Well, Ianto as well, I suppose, if it wasn't for him we wouldn't have been able to…" he faltered, as it suddenly struck him that my facial expression wasn't that of encouragement or relief.
I felt utterly crushed. And I'm pretty sure the look on my face showed exactly how I felt.
"You said you were going to stay here forever," I said quietly.
The Doctor smiled softly. "Oh, Jack. You didn't actually think I meant that, did you? I... wasn't very well at the time, you know that. Well, I thought I meant it at the time, it's not like I was lying to you, or anything..."
I nodded. "Yeah. I know... and at the time, I was just humouring you, I guess."
The Doctor nodded. "Of course. Well, it was you who said I should be out there saving people, remember?"
I nodded again. "I know I said that..." I hesitated. "I didn't mean half of what I said that night."
"But you were right! And now, look at me. Back to normal. Well, as normal as I'll ever be!" He grinned again. He glanced across at his clothes, and then looked back at me, almost as an afterthought.
"Think maybe we should get dressed and grab a pizza or something? Or... did you want to have sex again? I don't mind. I'm feeling quite energetic, amazing what a quick catnap can do."
He looked at me expectantly. I just stared at him. For a long time.
"What?" He said at last, a little defensively. He looked slightly bemused.
I glared at him. "You tell me you're leaving me, and then casually change the subject to a choice between pizza or sex?"
The Doctor shrugged, looking a little uncomfortable now. "I'm not leaving you, Jack. You make it sound like..." he sighed. "I'm just going on a little trip, that's all. Trip around the universe, and then... well, it's not like I'm never going to see you again."
I nodded, my face set. "Yeah, quick trip and then you'll be back in... what? A month? A year? A decade? Maybe another century or so wouldn't hurt, right? After all, I'm very good at waiting. Waiting for you to show up, hell, I could win awards for it."
The Doctor looked down at the grass. He began to pick at it restlessly. "Don't be like that, Jack."
"How can you be so cold? After... everything?"
He stared at me. "I'm not… Did you think I was going to say here forever, Jack? Really?" His voice had an edge to it now.
I looked down. "No, I guess not. It just... seems so soon."
The Doctor shrugged. "I thought we said... as soon as I was better... I thought you realised that as soon as I felt ready, I'd get itchy feet. You know what I'm like. And I am better. And it's all because of you."
I looked at him. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. We were bonded, our very souls entwined, and I still didn't know what was going on in his head.
"I don't really see how..." I shook my head. I still didn't fully understand. "You seem to have recovered so quickly."
The Doctor nodded. "Well, of course. I asked you to help me, and you did." He smiled at me like I was a little kid who didn't understand the ways of the grown-up world. "Because of the bonding. Like I said... the psychic connection between us."
My face must have worn a blank expression.
He continued, waving a piece of fake grass around that he must have accidentally uprooted. "The psychic energy we share when we... make love. It's at its very strongest then. I thought you... wasn't that obvious?"
My stomach was suddenly in knots. "So... when we... that psychic connection we share... the energy. You used that? To heal yourself?"
The Doctor pursed his lips. "Sort of. Like I said before, my synapses weren't firing properly. I needed to heal myself, and the best way to do that was to utilise the energy. The energy I take from you. I couldn't have done it by myself. It's like... an exchange, if you like. You don't probably realise it at the time, you seem to get... a little distracted with what's going on in your body, I suppose."
"Well, sex is all that matters to me, after all," I said sarcastically. The scorn in my voice seemed to be lost on him.
"Oh, I wouldn't say that, Jack," he said, as though trying to make me feel better about my obvious failings. I could feel my blood begin to boil.
He continued. "I mean... you're just a very... physical person. There's nothing wrong with that," he added hastily. "In fact... well, you get so worked up, the energy I take from you is really quite potent. If it were anybody else, I probably wouldn't have recovered quite so quickly."
I was still glaring at him. "So I was the perfect candidate, really," I said, trying to keep my voice even. "No wonder you came to me for help."
The Doctor raised an eyebrow and looked up into the air, as if pondering what I'd just said. "Never really thought about that, but... maybe you were, yes."
"So... you were ill, and to make yourself better you needed psychic energy. The kind that's strongest when you... copulate with somebody." I spoke like the words tasted nasty in my mouth.
He had the good grace to frown and look a little hurt. "You don't have to put it like that, Jack."
"So what did you do on Gallifrey when you weren't feeling too good, hmm? What would your GP say, have a couple of fucks with the nearest gullible idiot, and see me in the morning'?" My voice was shaking.
The Doctor was looking at me intently now, his forehead creased with concern.
"Hell, I should be grateful you picked me, right? You could have just as easily gone to Martha. She reckons she's over you, but I bet she'd have dumped Tom for you in a second, what do you think? Or do you reckon she might not have put out quite as easily as I did? Of course, you probably didn't take into account the fact that your Time Lord physiology is naturally repulsed by a freak like me. Sorry if that put a crimp on your plans for a week or two!" There were tears in my eyes now, and I blinked them away angrily, and then stood up.
The Doctor stared at me. "Jack... are you... upset with me?"
"What the hell do you think?" I hissed. "I thought... I thought we had something special. I thought you loved me!"
"I do. Jack, I do! You're taking all of this the wrong way..."
"Well, don't I always? Here's how I see it, Doctor. You had some sort of breakdown, and came to me for help. Because you know I'd have done anything for you."
The Doctor looked down. "I just didn't want to be alone anymore. I thought Torchwood would be the safest place." He looked up at me. "And you... yes. You, Jack. I knew I could trust you. I knew you would never let me down."
"Yeah. 'Cos you knew how infatuated I was with you, you mean. How susceptible I am to your... charms." I spoke through gritted teeth.
"No, not at all!"
"I don't know if I believe you." I let out a slow breath. "You know, a couple of weeks ago I said to Ianto that he'd made me feel cheap and used. It was a joke, just part of that easy banter we have."
The Doctor was looking at me with an upset expression on his face.
"You know what, Doc? I actually do feel cheap and used, and nobody, but nobody, has ever made me feel like that before!"
"Jack, please don't do this." He wasn't distraught, like the last time I'd said harsh words to him. He sounded upset, but also vaguely pissed off.
I remembered the things he'd said to me, that first night he came to the Hub, broken.
"You were right about what you do. You charmed me, Doctor. You dazzled me. You made me fall in love with you, and then… I don't know what to think. Did you ever really love me, or was that just an excuse to get into my pants? Did you tell me what I wanted to hear so that you could persuade me to bond with you, just so you could use my energy to heal yourself?"
The Doctor snorted. "Oh, come on Jack, do you honestly think I'm capable of thinking like that?"
"No. Because you don't realise you're doing it. I honestly think you don't realise how manipulative you can be. So… does that make it your fault? Or does it just make me a gullible fool?"
"Jack, how can you say that?" He looked scandalized now, but I didn't care.
"And what about Ianto? What did you do to persuade him to share me with you?"
"Jack, I aren't listening to any more of this." He stood up and started sullenly pulling on his shirt.
"Did you ever even like him? Or were you just using him as well?"
"Ianto came to see me, remember? This multiple relationships thing was his idea. He did it for you, even if he says he didn't."
"Oh Doctor, he's as besotted with you as most of the rest of the universe is. He actually thinks you like him!"
"I do!"
"Right. So… have you even let him kiss you yet?"
"I thought you didn't want to know the gory details." The Doctor was glaring at me.
I opened my mouth and closed it again.
The Doctor's eyes were flashing with anger now. "Yes, he actually talks to me. About you. About your relationship. About pretty much everything, actually. Because who else listens to what he has to say? Not you, obviously." He started doing up the buttons of his shirt with hard, exaggerated movements. "The fact is, Jack, you take him for granted just as much as everyone else does. Ianto is a loyal, hardworking, decent, intelligent, fascinating young man. And, actually, he happens to be a very good kisser, thank you very much. "
I gaped at him.
"If he's in awe of anybody, it's of you," the Doctor continued, picking up his trousers and putting them on. "The fact is, Captain, that Ianto Jones is considerably more mature, and far less self-absorbed and selfish than you are!"
I folded my arms awkwardly.
I guess that told me, huh.
"And another thing," said the Doctor, stepping up to me and raising a finger to just beneath my nose. "I would never use you like that. The thought never even occurred to me. The fact was, I came to you because you were the one I trusted the most. I knew, that no matter how many times in the past I've let you down, you've always forgiven me. Because you're loyal and decent, and brave and selfless, occasionally, and that's why I fell in love with you. And I don't know why I'm being nice about you now, because you're being a complete and utter arse."
I blinked. "I'm being a what?"
The Doctor nodded, a resolute look on his face. "An arse. A... a... fucking stupid one, at that."
I gasped out a peal of surprised laughter. "Did you just swear at me?"
The Doctor swallowed and blushed. "Yes, I did. And there's nothing big or clever about it, either. But sometimes I think it’s the only language you understand."
I could feel the corners of my mouth beginning to tug upwards, against my will. "You said a bad word..."
The Doctor started to smile too, despite the situation. He looked a little shocked. "I know. I've never said that word before in my life..."
I laughed out loud. And then I looked serious again. "Yeah. You're almost back to your old self."
The Doctor looked down and realised he'd buttoned up his shirt wrongly, and the two halves of his hem didn't match up. With a grimace of annoyance, he started undoing the buttons again. "What makes you say that?" he muttered.
"Because you're fighting back," I said simply. "A few months ago, you'd have just stood there and took whatever I yelled at you."
"Yes, well, this time you're wrong." He looked at me resolutely, his chin jutting outwards defiantly.
I stepped closer to him. "I am? 'Cos... I really, really wanna be wrong."
"Jack… I love you. Do you think I'm the sort of person who would lie to you about that? You've… you know how Rose made me better, after I was so angry with the universe, so full of hurt and revenge? She was my saviour. She was my everything, and I couldn't even say those three little words to her."
I nodded sadly.
"'I love you'. Not so hard, is it?" he said, his eyebrow rising.
I nodded solemnly. "Yeah, well. Sometimes those three little words can be the hardest ones to say. They're scary, those three little words."
The Doctor smiled a little. "Terrifying. But I don't find it so difficult any more. Because of you. You've… taught me so much, these past few months. You made me better, too. In a different way. And the reason that I sounded so… callous, earlier. About leaving, I mean. It's because the thought of it is… it hurts. It's terrifying. It's easier to change the subject than have to talk about it, because leaving here is one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do."
I nodded, and then looked down at the ground. I wanted to cry.
"Don't you see, Jack? If I don't leave now, I never will. I'll be here forever."
I shrugged. "Suits me," I murmured.
The Doctor smiled, and ran his fingers down my cheek. "We both know that's not good for any of us, not for you, not for Ianto. And certainly not for me. I'm a traveller, Jack. I have been nearly all my long life, and I don't know if I can ever stop, not really. And people do need me. It's what I do. It's what I've always done. How would the universe cope without me?"
"And what am I gonna do without you?" I said quietly.
"Oh… you've got lots to keep you busy, Jack. You've got Torchwood. You've got Cardiff… the planet Earth to protect. And you've got Ianto."
"But I want you!" I almost whispered.
"You've got me," he said. This..." he tapped at this head, and then reached out the same hand and ran it almost roughly through my hair. "This bond. It's in our heads." He took his hand off my head and ran it over my bare chest. I shivered at his cool touch. "And it's in our hearts. It's inextricable. Don't you realise what that means?"
I didn't say anything. I just looked at him.
"It means I belong to you. And you belong to me. Forever. Well… if we want it to be."
I nodded. The Doctor hesitated. "Do you want me to break the bond?"
I shook my head resolutely. "No. Never." I looked at him curiously. "Can you even do that?"
The Doctor shrugged. "I don't know. Even if you can, I don't know how to." He smiled dryly. "Maybe you're just stuck with me."
"'Til death do us part?" I said softly. The Doctor nodded solemnly.
I looked down at the ground. I wasn't angry anymore. I felt a little ashamed, a little stupid. Hell, I didn't know how to feel.
The Doctor hooked his finger under my chin and raised my head again so that I had to look at him.
"Do you know when I knew for sure that I'd fallen in love with you?" he said softly. I shook my head, my eyes wide.
The Doctor smiled. "When I was sitting in the bath. That time when I got back, when I'd foolishly gone to that planet sending a distress call. Remember?" I nodded, silently. "I was so glad to see you again, Jack. So relieved you'd forgiven me. The TARDIS brought me home, to you, like she knew you were what I needed." I nodded again, biting my lip.
"I just sat and thought about how well you took care of me; no questions, no judgments. And… more than that, you undressed me to my underwear and didn't even try anything. Coming from you, that's a real sign of respect." He suddenly flashed me a rakish smile.
I smiled too, at last. "Not to mention an impressive demonstration of self-control."
"That's when I knew. That's when I knew I wanted to belong to you. I thought… belonging. I thought that would help me. I never want to be lonely again, Jack."
I looked down. His shirt was half-open again. The Doctor had started unbuttoning his wrongly-fastened shirt and had given up halfway through. I reached out and started caressing his chest, almost unconsciously.
"I had no premeditated plans to bond with you before then, Jack. Not for the reasons you think. I can see why you'd jump to that conclusion, I suppose. I'm not very good at the sentimental stuff sometimes, am I?"
"No, you're not." My fingers curled over one of his pectorals, and my index fingertip traced over his left nipple. I distinctly felt him shiver.
He took a breath, as though trying not to get distracted from what he was saying. "Thing is... Jack… I realised, during our first time, that I could use the energy to heal myself. It wasn't some sort of underhand scheme. And afterwards… I wasn't going cold on you. I was healing myself. Tidying up the old braincells. I just didn't think to tell you. If I had told you what I was doing at the time, would you really have begrudged me that? Ahh... Jack..." he gasped suddenly.
I had grasped hold of the little nub and given it a gentle squeeze between my thumb and forefinger.
"No... I guess not," I whispered. I took a step closer to him. "I shouldn't be so paranoid, should I?" Another little flick of my thumb nail over his nipple, and suddenly the Doctor had grabbed my wrist with his left hand.
I thought he was trying to stop me from what I was doing, because he didn't like it, or he thought I was overstepping the mark, but the next thing I knew his other hand had whipped out and grabbed my other wrist.
He stepped forward, pressed himself again me and held my arms down by my sides. He kissed me, hard. So hard I felt my lips mashing against my teeth. I gasped into his mouth.
The Doctor pushed insistently against me, pushing me backwards, stumbling, until I realised my back was pressing against one of the ivy-covered columns. He kissed me again, insistently, possessively, rubbing his body hard against me. I moaned into his mouth.
He pulled away with a sigh. "Now, say sorry for doubting me," he said quietly. He'd never done anything like this before. I kind of liked it.
"Sorry…" I said, breathlessly. "I'm sorry, Doctor."
He nodded, apparently satisfied, and kissed me again.
When he pulled away, we both stared at each other, panting.
"So when are you leaving?" I said.
He shook his head. "Not yet, I promise. I wouldn't just drop that on you and go. "
I nodded. That was something, at least.
"The old girl. She's been through a rough time these past few years. She's not running as well as she could. Thought I'd give her a decent overhaul before I leave. Get her ship-shape."
I nodded. "Good idea."
"Will you help me?" said the Doctor.
I shook my head. "No."
"It will take longer if you don't."
I nodded, staring at him unblinkingly. "Yep."
He thought about what I'd just said for a second, and then flashed me a small smile. "Fair enough."
There was another pause. I could hardly breathe.
"I'm going to take a shower," he said, at last. His eyes looked dark. He let go of my wrists. He'd gripped them so hard, I could still feel the sensation of his fingers around them.
And it had turned me on like crazy.
He looked me up and down. I was still naked, and very erect.
He stepped away from me and unbuttoned his shirt, a little more slowly than was called for. He pulled it off and dropped it carelessly on to the grass behind him. Then, his eyes fixed on me, he undid the fastening of his trousers, and let them drop to his ankles. He stepped out of them.
I licked my lips. Couldn't take my eyes off him.
He held out a hand. "Coming?" he said. He stared at me, his lips parted. I could see his tongue wedged resolutely in the roof of his mouth. His eyes looked strange. They were glinting. I looked down and saw, with a little thrill, that he was aroused too. He'd never got like that before, without me touching him.
I nodded wordlessly and took his hand, and let him lead me to the bathroom.
To be continued
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
<< Chapter Nine
<< Chapter Ten
<< Chapter Eleven
<< Chapter Twelve
<< Chapter Thirteen
<< Chapter Fourteen
<< Chapter Fifteen
<< Chapter Sixteen
<< Chapter Seventeen
<< Chapter Eighteen
<< Chapter Nineteen
<< Chapter Twenty
<< Chapter Twenty One
>> Chapter Twenty Three
>> Chapter Twenty Four
>> Chapter Twenty Five
>> Chapter Twenty Six
>> Chapter Twenty Seven
>> Chapter Twenty Eight
Couple of things before the chapter starts: firstly I'm thrilled to report that the lovely laurab1 has very kindly made this cover for "Belonging" -
I love it. Thank you so much, Laura!
Also, please don't forget to vote for Belonging at the Children of Time Awards under Torchwood Dark/Angst, Torchwood Series and Torchwood WIP (the voting form is now fixed and Belonging by never_more_fics can be picked from the drop down menu).
And on to Chapter 22 - There's no actual sex in this chapter, although it does contain plenty of adult situations. I won't apologise for that, because I consider this series to be primarily an angst fic, and not a sex fic. Also, this is the longest chapter so far (over 5,500 words). Don't be too hard on Jack, he's just a needy little flower under all that macho bluff...
Title: Belonging - Chapter Twenty Two
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters Jack/Ten
Rating: This Chapter - R for adult themes and language
Spoilers: The Stolen Earth, Journey's End
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: m/m slash | angst
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
"You know what, Doc? I actually do feel cheap and used, and nobody, but nobody, has ever made me feel like that before!"
Chapter Twenty Two
It was the first time it had happened.
I'm talking about the Doctor falling asleep in my arms after we'd just made love. The times before this he'd got a little distant immediately after sex; he'd go cold on me, stare off into space or look up at the ceiling, like he was thinking about what we'd just done, or... I don't know. He sometimes wore a strange look on his face that disturbed me a little. I found it a little hurtful at first, but I'd promised myself that I wouldn't make an issue out of it.
Ianto is usually a drowsy cuddler after sex. I like to continue things a little; a few kisses, a few nibbles, a little tongue-teasing, like a cool-down after a particularly vigorous bout of exercise.
We're all different. So what if the Doctor likes to... ruminate? Hey, he's an alien, who am I to say what's right and what's wrong?
It could be worse; I once slept with a green female whose species was akin to that of an evolved giant Praying Mantis, if I hadn't been quick-minded enough to make a hasty exit through her bathroom window after we'd just had sex, she might very well have bitten my head off.
Anyway, this time the Doctor seemed a little more relaxed. He'd settled himself in my embrace, his head nestled comfortably in the crook of my arm, and before I knew it, his eyes had closed and he'd let out a little snore. We were laying on a patch of grass, naked, in the TARDIS garden, the odd green blade tickling me whenever I moved slightly. The ground felt amazingly soft and spongy. I'd long suspected the TARDIS reconfigured bits of herself to tailor whatever we needed at the time; it wasn't unfeasible to imagine she'd alter the area we happened to be lying on, to make it more comfortable.
I watched him sleep; the way Ianto watches me pretend to sleep a lot of the time. Having read his thoughts in my journal, I now know that he often spends the time wondering how he ended up with me, or simply basking in the relief that we're both still alive to be together after facing so many dangers. I felt a little like that now, about the Doctor. There were also other thoughts lurking in my head, slightly darker ones, if I'm honest. The Doctor had changed noticeably this past week or so, he seemed a lot happier, enthusiastic, energetic. He was almost back to his old self, in fact.
I should have been relieved and happy about that, and I was in a way, but there was a little knot in my stomach. A selfish little knot of fear. A part of me wished he wasn't recovering so quickly. Isn't that terrible? I was ashamed of myself for that, but its human nature, I guess. I was scared that soon he wouldn't need me to take care of him anymore, the way he had the past few months. I liked taking care of him. It made me feel like an important part of his life.
He looked so peaceful, just at that moment. Serene. All the pain, sadness and strain of the weight of responsibility he carried with him seemed to vanish from his face when he slept. I gazed at his face, mentally traced every curve, every aspect of his handsome features, every lock of his wild, spiky hair; the way some of the light brown strands looked splayed against the flesh of my embracing arm, and how some of them fell boyishly onto his forehead. I memorised the position of every freckle sprinkled across the bridge of his nose and cheeks.
I gazed at his smooth, flawless skin, remembering how it feels beneath my fingertips and lips, and at the slightly darker smudge of stubble on his upper lip and on the soft cleft and delicate curve of his chin. I visually traced the soft sideburns running down past the delectable shells of his ears.
I committed to memory the position of every long, dark eyelash that curled against the creamy flesh of his cheeks. His long, straight nose which is ever-so-slightly bent to the side, an imperfect feature that I find incredibly attractive. His expressive eyebrows, unmoving now in slumber.
His lips, pale pink and supple, still slightly swollen from the long, passionate kisses we'd shared a few moments ago. It always struck me that although he was always so cool to the touch, as I now knew that a Time Lord's body temperature is naturally a lot lower than that of a human's, his mouth was always impossibly hot.
My eyes moved down to trace the swell of his Adam's apple, the lines of his delicate throat and prominent collar bone. The curve of his slight shoulders, covered in more delicious freckles. Out of sight was his smooth back. That cute little mole between his shoulder blades had been an adorable little surprise. Slim arms, one of which was curled comfortably across his own stomach, the other encompassing both our bodies and resting against my side, his long fingers grazing my ribs.
I took in the soft arches of his pectorals, the dark nipples and the smattering of light brown hair on his chest, receding to a thinner line of fuzz which trails down his flat belly and ultimately leads to the neat patch of pubic hair below. Slightly prominent ribs, but that was something I'd grown to love. I enjoyed fitting the breadth of my tongue in the indentations between them and running it across in slow lines, making the Doctor squirm delightedly beneath me.
A slender waist, firm hips, and a surprisingly shapely swell of buttock were just about visible from my angle of vision. Taut thighs, lanky legs ending in large feet with attractive toes, toes I hadn't quite got round to sucking on yet, but that was something I definitely wanted to try soon.
Between those taut, creamy white thighs, of course, a more than adequate set of genitals, even in their current softened state as he slept. They looked, as far as I could tell, like the sexual organs of pretty much any other human male I'd slept with. He certainly produced seminal fluid when he orgasmed, and I hope it wouldn't be too personal to state that his semen looked and tasted similar to what I was used to, except maybe a little blander and sweeter.
All in all, he could reasonably pass for s healthy human adult male, although I daresay there might have been other slight differences to his biological make-up that I hadn't considered. I wondered if he was capable of fathering children with a different species to his own, or whether, in fact, male Time Lords could bear children themselves. He certainly had a cute navel, which indicated that he'd been attached to an umbilical cord at some point. Therefore, he must have been created as a baby in the usual way, and not grown in a tube, or something. But then again, I was only surmising. Those were the kind of questions I'd always longed to ask him, but never quite dared, in case it brought back bad memories of his lost family.
I wanted to visually trace and memorise every line and every feature of him; I wanted to always remember the scent of his skin and hair, the taste of his flesh and of his sweat. The beautiful expression on his face when I make him feel good, the glorious sounds he makes when he comes. The way it feels, his soul entwined with mine, when our psychic link is connected, the sense of his whispered words inside my head and the indescribable manner in which we become one person when we make love, because of that wonderful, unique gift of bonding he'd given to me.
We'd had sex half a dozen times over the past couple of weeks, the first few in his soft bed (I'd learned since that the candles weren't real, and he was able to dim or brighten the 'flames' with his sonic screwdriver to suit our mood) and the last couple of times in the fake open air of the TARDIS garden.
The awkwardness of our first time was lost now, and the Doctor seemed perfectly at ease with me exploring his body more intimately. There was barely an inch of him I hadn't kissed, stroked, licked or sucked. Apart from those luscious toes, of course. The Doctor seemed to be relaxing more too, not ashamed of showing me that he liked what I was doing to him. It was as though the pursuit of physical pleasure was a new concept to him, a highly interesting one, but yet it still seemed to be something that he held secondary to the psychic link we shared.
He was quite passive in our lovemaking. He'd explored my body tentatively, and had touched me intimately more than a few times, as if to show that he was making an effort, but he seemed more at ease letting me take care of the physical part of our lovemaking, and to be honest I really didn't mind. I loved touching his body, giving him pleasure. I just wish he'd loosen up a little and let himself enjoy it more.
No, I didn't mind taking care of him in that way. He more than made up for it in other ways.
He'd quickly honed his skills at controlling the psychic energy, to the point where the memory of the incredible sensations he could produce in my body was pretty much all I could think about. I was almost scared that it could be addictive.
Although physically I'd topped the Doctor every time so far, it felt as though he was... not in control, as such... it's hard to put into words, somehow, the way he'd make me feel. That's not to say I didn't love every moment of it, but the way he took command of the psychic, mental aspect of our coupling made me feel out of my depth sometimes... a little intimidated, even. But somehow it made me feel more alive than I've felt in a very long time. Which, coming from a man who can't die, is a weird thing to say, I guess, but there you are.
I lay there, gazing at my beautiful Time Lord, looking at his face, watching his chest rising and falling rhythmically as he breathed. I longed to kiss him, but I didn't want to wake him. He slept so little as it was. I leaned over him, held my lips half an inch above his. I held my breath so that he wouldn't be disturbed by the sensation of warm air on his face. I stayed there for a long moment, our lips so close I could almost feel a tingle of static pass between them.
I leaned back a little and inhaled slowly, my eyes still fixed upon his serene face. Suddenly, the Doctor made me start by opening one eye. After a moment, he opened the other eye, and grinned at me.
"What are you thinking, Jackity-Jack?" He sounded a little drowsy.
"Just thinking about how gorgeous you are."
He smiled. "Oh, you..." his long fingers tickled my side.
I stroked his hair, my forehead wrinkling slightly. "You seem... different lately."
His hand slipped from my side as he straightened himself out flat on his back and stretched languidly like a cat. "Oh yes! I definitely feel different, Jack. Pretty much like my old self. Feeling brilliant, in fact. Bellissimo! Molto Bene!" He looked at me and grinned boyishly.
I nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah. I thought so too." I didn't take my eyes off him as he sat up and tipped his head back, eyes closed, as though basking under a non-existent sun.
There was a short silence. I suddenly had a very bad feeling. I sat up too, folded my legs in front of me, and gazed at him.
The Doctor straightened his head, opened his eyes and looked at me solemnly. It was as though he'd been wondering how to break something to me.
He nodded. "Yeah. Feeling... better and better every day, actually. In fact... been thinking these past couple of days, there's no point me stopping here much longer, really. Should be getting out there, shouldn't I? Back out in the universe. Traveller, that's me. People probably... well, they need me, I suppose."
I nodded dumbly. I felt numb.
He reached out to me and tenderly caressed my shoulder. "It's all because of you, you know. Well, Ianto as well, I suppose, if it wasn't for him we wouldn't have been able to…" he faltered, as it suddenly struck him that my facial expression wasn't that of encouragement or relief.
I felt utterly crushed. And I'm pretty sure the look on my face showed exactly how I felt.
"You said you were going to stay here forever," I said quietly.
The Doctor smiled softly. "Oh, Jack. You didn't actually think I meant that, did you? I... wasn't very well at the time, you know that. Well, I thought I meant it at the time, it's not like I was lying to you, or anything..."
I nodded. "Yeah. I know... and at the time, I was just humouring you, I guess."
The Doctor nodded. "Of course. Well, it was you who said I should be out there saving people, remember?"
I nodded again. "I know I said that..." I hesitated. "I didn't mean half of what I said that night."
"But you were right! And now, look at me. Back to normal. Well, as normal as I'll ever be!" He grinned again. He glanced across at his clothes, and then looked back at me, almost as an afterthought.
"Think maybe we should get dressed and grab a pizza or something? Or... did you want to have sex again? I don't mind. I'm feeling quite energetic, amazing what a quick catnap can do."
He looked at me expectantly. I just stared at him. For a long time.
"What?" He said at last, a little defensively. He looked slightly bemused.
I glared at him. "You tell me you're leaving me, and then casually change the subject to a choice between pizza or sex?"
The Doctor shrugged, looking a little uncomfortable now. "I'm not leaving you, Jack. You make it sound like..." he sighed. "I'm just going on a little trip, that's all. Trip around the universe, and then... well, it's not like I'm never going to see you again."
I nodded, my face set. "Yeah, quick trip and then you'll be back in... what? A month? A year? A decade? Maybe another century or so wouldn't hurt, right? After all, I'm very good at waiting. Waiting for you to show up, hell, I could win awards for it."
The Doctor looked down at the grass. He began to pick at it restlessly. "Don't be like that, Jack."
"How can you be so cold? After... everything?"
He stared at me. "I'm not… Did you think I was going to say here forever, Jack? Really?" His voice had an edge to it now.
I looked down. "No, I guess not. It just... seems so soon."
The Doctor shrugged. "I thought we said... as soon as I was better... I thought you realised that as soon as I felt ready, I'd get itchy feet. You know what I'm like. And I am better. And it's all because of you."
I looked at him. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. We were bonded, our very souls entwined, and I still didn't know what was going on in his head.
"I don't really see how..." I shook my head. I still didn't fully understand. "You seem to have recovered so quickly."
The Doctor nodded. "Well, of course. I asked you to help me, and you did." He smiled at me like I was a little kid who didn't understand the ways of the grown-up world. "Because of the bonding. Like I said... the psychic connection between us."
My face must have worn a blank expression.
He continued, waving a piece of fake grass around that he must have accidentally uprooted. "The psychic energy we share when we... make love. It's at its very strongest then. I thought you... wasn't that obvious?"
My stomach was suddenly in knots. "So... when we... that psychic connection we share... the energy. You used that? To heal yourself?"
The Doctor pursed his lips. "Sort of. Like I said before, my synapses weren't firing properly. I needed to heal myself, and the best way to do that was to utilise the energy. The energy I take from you. I couldn't have done it by myself. It's like... an exchange, if you like. You don't probably realise it at the time, you seem to get... a little distracted with what's going on in your body, I suppose."
"Well, sex is all that matters to me, after all," I said sarcastically. The scorn in my voice seemed to be lost on him.
"Oh, I wouldn't say that, Jack," he said, as though trying to make me feel better about my obvious failings. I could feel my blood begin to boil.
He continued. "I mean... you're just a very... physical person. There's nothing wrong with that," he added hastily. "In fact... well, you get so worked up, the energy I take from you is really quite potent. If it were anybody else, I probably wouldn't have recovered quite so quickly."
I was still glaring at him. "So I was the perfect candidate, really," I said, trying to keep my voice even. "No wonder you came to me for help."
The Doctor raised an eyebrow and looked up into the air, as if pondering what I'd just said. "Never really thought about that, but... maybe you were, yes."
"So... you were ill, and to make yourself better you needed psychic energy. The kind that's strongest when you... copulate with somebody." I spoke like the words tasted nasty in my mouth.
He had the good grace to frown and look a little hurt. "You don't have to put it like that, Jack."
"So what did you do on Gallifrey when you weren't feeling too good, hmm? What would your GP say, have a couple of fucks with the nearest gullible idiot, and see me in the morning'?" My voice was shaking.
The Doctor was looking at me intently now, his forehead creased with concern.
"Hell, I should be grateful you picked me, right? You could have just as easily gone to Martha. She reckons she's over you, but I bet she'd have dumped Tom for you in a second, what do you think? Or do you reckon she might not have put out quite as easily as I did? Of course, you probably didn't take into account the fact that your Time Lord physiology is naturally repulsed by a freak like me. Sorry if that put a crimp on your plans for a week or two!" There were tears in my eyes now, and I blinked them away angrily, and then stood up.
The Doctor stared at me. "Jack... are you... upset with me?"
"What the hell do you think?" I hissed. "I thought... I thought we had something special. I thought you loved me!"
"I do. Jack, I do! You're taking all of this the wrong way..."
"Well, don't I always? Here's how I see it, Doctor. You had some sort of breakdown, and came to me for help. Because you know I'd have done anything for you."
The Doctor looked down. "I just didn't want to be alone anymore. I thought Torchwood would be the safest place." He looked up at me. "And you... yes. You, Jack. I knew I could trust you. I knew you would never let me down."
"Yeah. 'Cos you knew how infatuated I was with you, you mean. How susceptible I am to your... charms." I spoke through gritted teeth.
"No, not at all!"
"I don't know if I believe you." I let out a slow breath. "You know, a couple of weeks ago I said to Ianto that he'd made me feel cheap and used. It was a joke, just part of that easy banter we have."
The Doctor was looking at me with an upset expression on his face.
"You know what, Doc? I actually do feel cheap and used, and nobody, but nobody, has ever made me feel like that before!"
"Jack, please don't do this." He wasn't distraught, like the last time I'd said harsh words to him. He sounded upset, but also vaguely pissed off.
I remembered the things he'd said to me, that first night he came to the Hub, broken.
"You were right about what you do. You charmed me, Doctor. You dazzled me. You made me fall in love with you, and then… I don't know what to think. Did you ever really love me, or was that just an excuse to get into my pants? Did you tell me what I wanted to hear so that you could persuade me to bond with you, just so you could use my energy to heal yourself?"
The Doctor snorted. "Oh, come on Jack, do you honestly think I'm capable of thinking like that?"
"No. Because you don't realise you're doing it. I honestly think you don't realise how manipulative you can be. So… does that make it your fault? Or does it just make me a gullible fool?"
"Jack, how can you say that?" He looked scandalized now, but I didn't care.
"And what about Ianto? What did you do to persuade him to share me with you?"
"Jack, I aren't listening to any more of this." He stood up and started sullenly pulling on his shirt.
"Did you ever even like him? Or were you just using him as well?"
"Ianto came to see me, remember? This multiple relationships thing was his idea. He did it for you, even if he says he didn't."
"Oh Doctor, he's as besotted with you as most of the rest of the universe is. He actually thinks you like him!"
"I do!"
"Right. So… have you even let him kiss you yet?"
"I thought you didn't want to know the gory details." The Doctor was glaring at me.
I opened my mouth and closed it again.
The Doctor's eyes were flashing with anger now. "Yes, he actually talks to me. About you. About your relationship. About pretty much everything, actually. Because who else listens to what he has to say? Not you, obviously." He started doing up the buttons of his shirt with hard, exaggerated movements. "The fact is, Jack, you take him for granted just as much as everyone else does. Ianto is a loyal, hardworking, decent, intelligent, fascinating young man. And, actually, he happens to be a very good kisser, thank you very much. "
I gaped at him.
"If he's in awe of anybody, it's of you," the Doctor continued, picking up his trousers and putting them on. "The fact is, Captain, that Ianto Jones is considerably more mature, and far less self-absorbed and selfish than you are!"
I folded my arms awkwardly.
I guess that told me, huh.
"And another thing," said the Doctor, stepping up to me and raising a finger to just beneath my nose. "I would never use you like that. The thought never even occurred to me. The fact was, I came to you because you were the one I trusted the most. I knew, that no matter how many times in the past I've let you down, you've always forgiven me. Because you're loyal and decent, and brave and selfless, occasionally, and that's why I fell in love with you. And I don't know why I'm being nice about you now, because you're being a complete and utter arse."
I blinked. "I'm being a what?"
The Doctor nodded, a resolute look on his face. "An arse. A... a... fucking stupid one, at that."
I gasped out a peal of surprised laughter. "Did you just swear at me?"
The Doctor swallowed and blushed. "Yes, I did. And there's nothing big or clever about it, either. But sometimes I think it’s the only language you understand."
I could feel the corners of my mouth beginning to tug upwards, against my will. "You said a bad word..."
The Doctor started to smile too, despite the situation. He looked a little shocked. "I know. I've never said that word before in my life..."
I laughed out loud. And then I looked serious again. "Yeah. You're almost back to your old self."
The Doctor looked down and realised he'd buttoned up his shirt wrongly, and the two halves of his hem didn't match up. With a grimace of annoyance, he started undoing the buttons again. "What makes you say that?" he muttered.
"Because you're fighting back," I said simply. "A few months ago, you'd have just stood there and took whatever I yelled at you."
"Yes, well, this time you're wrong." He looked at me resolutely, his chin jutting outwards defiantly.
I stepped closer to him. "I am? 'Cos... I really, really wanna be wrong."
"Jack… I love you. Do you think I'm the sort of person who would lie to you about that? You've… you know how Rose made me better, after I was so angry with the universe, so full of hurt and revenge? She was my saviour. She was my everything, and I couldn't even say those three little words to her."
I nodded sadly.
"'I love you'. Not so hard, is it?" he said, his eyebrow rising.
I nodded solemnly. "Yeah, well. Sometimes those three little words can be the hardest ones to say. They're scary, those three little words."
The Doctor smiled a little. "Terrifying. But I don't find it so difficult any more. Because of you. You've… taught me so much, these past few months. You made me better, too. In a different way. And the reason that I sounded so… callous, earlier. About leaving, I mean. It's because the thought of it is… it hurts. It's terrifying. It's easier to change the subject than have to talk about it, because leaving here is one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do."
I nodded, and then looked down at the ground. I wanted to cry.
"Don't you see, Jack? If I don't leave now, I never will. I'll be here forever."
I shrugged. "Suits me," I murmured.
The Doctor smiled, and ran his fingers down my cheek. "We both know that's not good for any of us, not for you, not for Ianto. And certainly not for me. I'm a traveller, Jack. I have been nearly all my long life, and I don't know if I can ever stop, not really. And people do need me. It's what I do. It's what I've always done. How would the universe cope without me?"
"And what am I gonna do without you?" I said quietly.
"Oh… you've got lots to keep you busy, Jack. You've got Torchwood. You've got Cardiff… the planet Earth to protect. And you've got Ianto."
"But I want you!" I almost whispered.
"You've got me," he said. This..." he tapped at this head, and then reached out the same hand and ran it almost roughly through my hair. "This bond. It's in our heads." He took his hand off my head and ran it over my bare chest. I shivered at his cool touch. "And it's in our hearts. It's inextricable. Don't you realise what that means?"
I didn't say anything. I just looked at him.
"It means I belong to you. And you belong to me. Forever. Well… if we want it to be."
I nodded. The Doctor hesitated. "Do you want me to break the bond?"
I shook my head resolutely. "No. Never." I looked at him curiously. "Can you even do that?"
The Doctor shrugged. "I don't know. Even if you can, I don't know how to." He smiled dryly. "Maybe you're just stuck with me."
"'Til death do us part?" I said softly. The Doctor nodded solemnly.
I looked down at the ground. I wasn't angry anymore. I felt a little ashamed, a little stupid. Hell, I didn't know how to feel.
The Doctor hooked his finger under my chin and raised my head again so that I had to look at him.
"Do you know when I knew for sure that I'd fallen in love with you?" he said softly. I shook my head, my eyes wide.
The Doctor smiled. "When I was sitting in the bath. That time when I got back, when I'd foolishly gone to that planet sending a distress call. Remember?" I nodded, silently. "I was so glad to see you again, Jack. So relieved you'd forgiven me. The TARDIS brought me home, to you, like she knew you were what I needed." I nodded again, biting my lip.
"I just sat and thought about how well you took care of me; no questions, no judgments. And… more than that, you undressed me to my underwear and didn't even try anything. Coming from you, that's a real sign of respect." He suddenly flashed me a rakish smile.
I smiled too, at last. "Not to mention an impressive demonstration of self-control."
"That's when I knew. That's when I knew I wanted to belong to you. I thought… belonging. I thought that would help me. I never want to be lonely again, Jack."
I looked down. His shirt was half-open again. The Doctor had started unbuttoning his wrongly-fastened shirt and had given up halfway through. I reached out and started caressing his chest, almost unconsciously.
"I had no premeditated plans to bond with you before then, Jack. Not for the reasons you think. I can see why you'd jump to that conclusion, I suppose. I'm not very good at the sentimental stuff sometimes, am I?"
"No, you're not." My fingers curled over one of his pectorals, and my index fingertip traced over his left nipple. I distinctly felt him shiver.
He took a breath, as though trying not to get distracted from what he was saying. "Thing is... Jack… I realised, during our first time, that I could use the energy to heal myself. It wasn't some sort of underhand scheme. And afterwards… I wasn't going cold on you. I was healing myself. Tidying up the old braincells. I just didn't think to tell you. If I had told you what I was doing at the time, would you really have begrudged me that? Ahh... Jack..." he gasped suddenly.
I had grasped hold of the little nub and given it a gentle squeeze between my thumb and forefinger.
"No... I guess not," I whispered. I took a step closer to him. "I shouldn't be so paranoid, should I?" Another little flick of my thumb nail over his nipple, and suddenly the Doctor had grabbed my wrist with his left hand.
I thought he was trying to stop me from what I was doing, because he didn't like it, or he thought I was overstepping the mark, but the next thing I knew his other hand had whipped out and grabbed my other wrist.
He stepped forward, pressed himself again me and held my arms down by my sides. He kissed me, hard. So hard I felt my lips mashing against my teeth. I gasped into his mouth.
The Doctor pushed insistently against me, pushing me backwards, stumbling, until I realised my back was pressing against one of the ivy-covered columns. He kissed me again, insistently, possessively, rubbing his body hard against me. I moaned into his mouth.
He pulled away with a sigh. "Now, say sorry for doubting me," he said quietly. He'd never done anything like this before. I kind of liked it.
"Sorry…" I said, breathlessly. "I'm sorry, Doctor."
He nodded, apparently satisfied, and kissed me again.
When he pulled away, we both stared at each other, panting.
"So when are you leaving?" I said.
He shook his head. "Not yet, I promise. I wouldn't just drop that on you and go. "
I nodded. That was something, at least.
"The old girl. She's been through a rough time these past few years. She's not running as well as she could. Thought I'd give her a decent overhaul before I leave. Get her ship-shape."
I nodded. "Good idea."
"Will you help me?" said the Doctor.
I shook my head. "No."
"It will take longer if you don't."
I nodded, staring at him unblinkingly. "Yep."
He thought about what I'd just said for a second, and then flashed me a small smile. "Fair enough."
There was another pause. I could hardly breathe.
"I'm going to take a shower," he said, at last. His eyes looked dark. He let go of my wrists. He'd gripped them so hard, I could still feel the sensation of his fingers around them.
And it had turned me on like crazy.
He looked me up and down. I was still naked, and very erect.
He stepped away from me and unbuttoned his shirt, a little more slowly than was called for. He pulled it off and dropped it carelessly on to the grass behind him. Then, his eyes fixed on me, he undid the fastening of his trousers, and let them drop to his ankles. He stepped out of them.
I licked my lips. Couldn't take my eyes off him.
He held out a hand. "Coming?" he said. He stared at me, his lips parted. I could see his tongue wedged resolutely in the roof of his mouth. His eyes looked strange. They were glinting. I looked down and saw, with a little thrill, that he was aroused too. He'd never got like that before, without me touching him.
I nodded wordlessly and took his hand, and let him lead me to the bathroom.
To be continued
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
<< Chapter Nine
<< Chapter Ten
<< Chapter Eleven
<< Chapter Twelve
<< Chapter Thirteen
<< Chapter Fourteen
<< Chapter Fifteen
<< Chapter Sixteen
<< Chapter Seventeen
<< Chapter Eighteen
<< Chapter Nineteen
<< Chapter Twenty
<< Chapter Twenty One
>> Chapter Twenty Three
>> Chapter Twenty Four
>> Chapter Twenty Five
>> Chapter Twenty Six
>> Chapter Twenty Seven
>> Chapter Twenty Eight