very rambly VERY rambly
Hi!
I don't even know what to write about, I am procrastinating like hell. I have to do some very boring chores (grocery shopping ohhhmmmyyygodddd and cleaning one window to renew the anti-insect thingies because the goddamn spiders are getting bolder!) and instead of at least starting with getting dressed I refresh tumblr and twitter every thirty seconds.
My parents did send me some motivational messages during the week which was really lovely (they are aware of my mental health situation), only my dad ended his messages with "..." and I almost had a giggly hysterical breakdown during commute.
Work continues to rot my brain away - or rather my colleagues are draining my social batteries so fast that I can't deal with any stresses after work.
Yesterday I had a really stupid task at work (updating about 300 databank entries - by hand!) which gave me a headache and when I went home an elderly couple stood in front of the construction site right next door (they are building a new house about five meters away from our main entrance). The man talked to me and said in the thickest Kölsch accent "Dat kann ich Ihnen an de Ohre ansehen, dat Se noch nich so lang hier wohn', hahaha!"
I know this was meant as a friendly ice breaker. He was smiling and his lady friend rolled her eyes at him good naturedly and I was just... so taken aback. I started stammering because I just didn't know what he wanted from me (he wanted nothing, of course not, he was just making conversation) and I got a little bit aggressive (I don't think it showed in my voice or my mannerism I just felt SO furious, I went from zero to screaming inner banshee in no time) asking him if I COULD HELP HIM SOMEHOW??? IMPLYING: WTF MATE. But no he just wanted to talk and he FINALLY said that he used to be the caretaker of our home and is curious about the construction site.
Which is fine but honestly dude, if you talk to random people on the street MAYBE INTRODUCE YOURSELF FIRST OH MY GOD.
I made myself scarce rather quickly then - and then I spent the entire evening drained, empty, overthinking every little thing, being MAD as heck at myself for stammering. I also stammered like an idiot in front of my boss that day because he caught me off guard with a comment about my hair - I went from outwashed blue to brown again because I can't keep up with the work of dying my roots every six weeks, ufff - and he just said that my hair looks better now. I had just finished telling him about the (resolved) problem with a customer and instead of saying "Oh, thank you!" I blabbered like an idiot. GOD BRAIN, START WORKING, HOW ABOUT IT. I hate myself for every little thing I say over the course of a day. It's eating me up and draining me.
I really need therapy but GUESS who did not call a single place on the looong list of therapists I was handed a week ago. Exactly, it is this dumb fool writing this entry. God, Kiwi, get a grip.
But to end this entry on a more cheerful note, here is a picture of our Wintergarten, cause our plants are really doing everything to cheer me up right now:
The one on the bright pink pot is called Shen Wei because I am weak like that. pinku is going to try and find me a dark blue pot for it kekekekekeke!!
In short: I am still overwhelmed with everything and I keep being sad and moody. I don't want to be so goddamn mad and grumpy and desperate all the time (pinku isn't feeling all too well herself, so we are REALLY dancing on a volcano here, trying to balance out our bad moods and good moods URGH). I had a good run this week but right now everything is crashing down again.
I know I have to get myself a therapist as fast as possible but right now, I will set myself the more achievable goal of ...maybe taking a shower and maybe getting dressed.
Fighting!!!