Tiffany
So I most likely said last entry that I would write more often but that obviously hasn't happened. I'm full of empty promises.
Lately, I'm not really sure why, but I've been thinking about my old friend Tiffany a lot. I have no idea what sparked these sudden thoughts but I've been reminiscing a lot. I often wonder why we stopped being friends. I like to think that it's because I grew up and in a way she didn't but I feel like it's more than that. I think I got tired of being the second banana. I always came second to the flavor of the day/month/week or as we referred to them as "it" boys. I didn't mind being in the background because I was used to it. I was shy growing up and had a much more out going and loud sister. Maybe I just finally hit the limit of my invisibleness or ghostness. Not that I'm the center of attention now, actually, a lot of the time I find myself not even being listened to. But when I think back on it, Tiffany overall was a good friend. A great friend. She was the one responsible for bringing me out of my "shell." And I used to like to think as the person who taught me to think for myself...but I recently discovered that I really don't think for myself anyway...I'm constantly searching for others opinions and therefore their approval or acceptance. I often wonder from where this stems. How did I become the person I am? My answer would be environment. I seem to morph slightly everytime I meet someone new. I'm very impressionable as can be seen when talking with someone who has an accent...I usually end up picking it up for the conversation...but this really doesn't have to do with Tiffany. I think back to 2003 when we had our falling out...Was it really because of Clay Aiken? See, she was OBSESSED with him and I really couldn't stand him and unfortunately made my opinion known...that along with the threat of being thrown out of the car, tired of hearing about television obsessions, my lack of calling back and my distaste for being the third wheel eventually came to our friendship's demise. I miss her though...it's weird...through the first couple years of college we would barely talk the entire year but come summer, we would always pick up where we left off. But as the years went by and she started getting into her Help Center job (at college) and she started dating Brendan we started becoming almost like strangers. I wasn't part of her world anymore in any aspect. There was always something we could connect with...be it work or people, etc. I think it also stems from my life at that point. I was having a hard time, school was starting to wear on me as were certain people and I had just had a falling out with someone I considered a friend...to this day that person still doesn't know the damage she caused...not only that fateful night but in our entire friendship. It's one thing to play around but it's completely different if you are constantly putting someone down. But I digress. Anyway after that year, I went to see the doctor and talked with him about what was going on in my life, this being something very difficult for me. But after a few visits and a lot of discussion with him and my family, we decided on a treatment, something that when I finally got around to telling people (Tiffany being the very first) and was completely shot down. I guess being a psychology major and not having really been super close to me in years gave her the right to criticize my decision. I guess I took that the wrong way. Another thing was my friendship with someone who was just a person to hang out with. That didn't sit well with Tiffany and I handled it really badly because I was upset with her. I handled it horribly, I admit it. But bygones, I suppose.
I guess if I had to pick something that brought all this up was one, I found this post card from Tiffany while I was packing today and it brought back a flood of memories and feelings and two, my engagement. In high school, I always pictured myself getting married and Tiffany being there. Weird.
Another thing, what is up with people not liking my friends???? Everytime I stop being friends with someone other people come up to me and ask how they are and I say I'm not friends with them anymore and they, "hmm, I never liked them anyway." Thanks, people...with the exception of one...the one form junior year. That makes me feel great by the way. Okay, so its only 3 friends but still...it's like I can't make friends unless they need something from me. Grr. Yeah I'm not making any sense to anyone but myself...but that's okay...this whole entry is just rambling anyway.
So that's all for the Tiffany entry. I'll try to write more...
Lately, I'm not really sure why, but I've been thinking about my old friend Tiffany a lot. I have no idea what sparked these sudden thoughts but I've been reminiscing a lot. I often wonder why we stopped being friends. I like to think that it's because I grew up and in a way she didn't but I feel like it's more than that. I think I got tired of being the second banana. I always came second to the flavor of the day/month/week or as we referred to them as "it" boys. I didn't mind being in the background because I was used to it. I was shy growing up and had a much more out going and loud sister. Maybe I just finally hit the limit of my invisibleness or ghostness. Not that I'm the center of attention now, actually, a lot of the time I find myself not even being listened to. But when I think back on it, Tiffany overall was a good friend. A great friend. She was the one responsible for bringing me out of my "shell." And I used to like to think as the person who taught me to think for myself...but I recently discovered that I really don't think for myself anyway...I'm constantly searching for others opinions and therefore their approval or acceptance. I often wonder from where this stems. How did I become the person I am? My answer would be environment. I seem to morph slightly everytime I meet someone new. I'm very impressionable as can be seen when talking with someone who has an accent...I usually end up picking it up for the conversation...but this really doesn't have to do with Tiffany. I think back to 2003 when we had our falling out...Was it really because of Clay Aiken? See, she was OBSESSED with him and I really couldn't stand him and unfortunately made my opinion known...that along with the threat of being thrown out of the car, tired of hearing about television obsessions, my lack of calling back and my distaste for being the third wheel eventually came to our friendship's demise. I miss her though...it's weird...through the first couple years of college we would barely talk the entire year but come summer, we would always pick up where we left off. But as the years went by and she started getting into her Help Center job (at college) and she started dating Brendan we started becoming almost like strangers. I wasn't part of her world anymore in any aspect. There was always something we could connect with...be it work or people, etc. I think it also stems from my life at that point. I was having a hard time, school was starting to wear on me as were certain people and I had just had a falling out with someone I considered a friend...to this day that person still doesn't know the damage she caused...not only that fateful night but in our entire friendship. It's one thing to play around but it's completely different if you are constantly putting someone down. But I digress. Anyway after that year, I went to see the doctor and talked with him about what was going on in my life, this being something very difficult for me. But after a few visits and a lot of discussion with him and my family, we decided on a treatment, something that when I finally got around to telling people (Tiffany being the very first) and was completely shot down. I guess being a psychology major and not having really been super close to me in years gave her the right to criticize my decision. I guess I took that the wrong way. Another thing was my friendship with someone who was just a person to hang out with. That didn't sit well with Tiffany and I handled it really badly because I was upset with her. I handled it horribly, I admit it. But bygones, I suppose.
I guess if I had to pick something that brought all this up was one, I found this post card from Tiffany while I was packing today and it brought back a flood of memories and feelings and two, my engagement. In high school, I always pictured myself getting married and Tiffany being there. Weird.
Another thing, what is up with people not liking my friends???? Everytime I stop being friends with someone other people come up to me and ask how they are and I say I'm not friends with them anymore and they, "hmm, I never liked them anyway." Thanks, people...with the exception of one...the one form junior year. That makes me feel great by the way. Okay, so its only 3 friends but still...it's like I can't make friends unless they need something from me. Grr. Yeah I'm not making any sense to anyone but myself...but that's okay...this whole entry is just rambling anyway.
So that's all for the Tiffany entry. I'll try to write more...