my compass is a weathervane
I am lucky enough to have a friend who I see rarely, however, whenever we hang out, I feel like we catch up with where we left off and pack a condensed amount of connection into whatever short space of time we're hanging out.She and her music have had a profound effect on my life. We've collaborated. She's the only person I know whose lyric I I feel okay about having tattooed on my body. We've also shared deep sorrow and pain (from Katrina to going to take care of Shannon's dog the day she passed). She's one of the few people who has heard me actually keening.We have also made great toasts of winning and congratulations together.
I've been feeling these last few days as though I just can't decide on my own life.I want both things, which are a geographic impossibility.I feel like everyone is cheering me on, to go for it, to move, but I am still, I am ambivalent. I thought I would get a reading meeting my potential co-workers that would sway me one way or the other. I was surprised when that didn't shift my ambivalence.
Physically, my gut is sick and my arms are hot.The last time I felt this way was not good, so the association is more like alarm/self-defense to me than excitement/yayness and that's confusing, unexpected, not helpful.
My friend just made her own path altering decision.She knew I had this coming up & so we talked about how we still have so much to prove to ourselves, to invest in ourselves, to grow & that sometimes you think you want one thing, push yourself toward it & it leads to some other realization, underneath it all.Maybe it was in your periphery or you've been hiding from it, or you knew it was there but elaborately scheme and dress it up so you don't have to face it as directly.We put everyone else between ourselves & the mirror.We are both really good at doing this.
Even though we don't see each other as often as we like, I always know she has my back.
We bought malty beverages and cheered to each other, laughing.
This all happened at the Girls Rock Camp ATL show.The 6th one (WOW, already!). This time, 3 of the girls "graduated" from the first years of volunteering, from scrawny youth to almost-college.What an amazing thing to witness.Because the director is good like that, I got a founder's shout out.I will always be more proud of this than almost anything else---that a conversation I initiated with "hey, you did your thesis on girls rock camps. this other musician wants to launch one. i think you'd better beat her to it," has become her job, this beautiful event that's so much bigger than any of us who were there putting in the foundation, how many little pieces have expanded this since then.there are more bands, volunteers & donations than ever & it's become more sustainable than those first years seemed possible.
Anyway, my friend always seems to show up at critical points~close in a particularly soulful way.
I think I know a little better, stronger, what I've been doing and what I need to do.
Keep it pushing.
I've been feeling these last few days as though I just can't decide on my own life.I want both things, which are a geographic impossibility.I feel like everyone is cheering me on, to go for it, to move, but I am still, I am ambivalent. I thought I would get a reading meeting my potential co-workers that would sway me one way or the other. I was surprised when that didn't shift my ambivalence.
Physically, my gut is sick and my arms are hot.The last time I felt this way was not good, so the association is more like alarm/self-defense to me than excitement/yayness and that's confusing, unexpected, not helpful.
My friend just made her own path altering decision.She knew I had this coming up & so we talked about how we still have so much to prove to ourselves, to invest in ourselves, to grow & that sometimes you think you want one thing, push yourself toward it & it leads to some other realization, underneath it all.Maybe it was in your periphery or you've been hiding from it, or you knew it was there but elaborately scheme and dress it up so you don't have to face it as directly.We put everyone else between ourselves & the mirror.We are both really good at doing this.
Even though we don't see each other as often as we like, I always know she has my back.
We bought malty beverages and cheered to each other, laughing.
This all happened at the Girls Rock Camp ATL show.The 6th one (WOW, already!). This time, 3 of the girls "graduated" from the first years of volunteering, from scrawny youth to almost-college.What an amazing thing to witness.Because the director is good like that, I got a founder's shout out.I will always be more proud of this than almost anything else---that a conversation I initiated with "hey, you did your thesis on girls rock camps. this other musician wants to launch one. i think you'd better beat her to it," has become her job, this beautiful event that's so much bigger than any of us who were there putting in the foundation, how many little pieces have expanded this since then.there are more bands, volunteers & donations than ever & it's become more sustainable than those first years seemed possible.
Anyway, my friend always seems to show up at critical points~close in a particularly soulful way.
I think I know a little better, stronger, what I've been doing and what I need to do.
Keep it pushing.