My System is Growing! and Hospital Blues...
I got home from the hospital yesterday. Whew, what a three weeks that turned out to be. After the first day on Cottage C, I got transfered to the women's unit. It's a much better, quieter environment there. Mostly they treat eating disorders there but they also deal with trauma on a small scale. And they teach DBT, my main point on going over there. The DBT groups are rather dull however, which makes me sad.
Anyways, I did pretty well there until right before the family session when my dad was sopost to show up. I started having urges to self injure and I got pretty out of control, so they stuck my ass on precautions. I ended up not even attending the session, though my dad did show up. They even let me go out on the patio while he left so I didn't have to see him. ^_^ I did a ton better after that and got back off precautions.
Then they wanted to send me to the half way house. There are several things I don't like about the "recovery residence" as they call it. First are the 12 step groups. I have a strong dislike of the 12 steps and everything associated with it. I'm still not a hundred percent sure why I dislike the 12 steps, but it's something I'm actively journaling on. Second are the "group hugs" and the general lack of boundaries concerning touching. The "group hugs" occur after every meeting at the recovery residence while they chant the serenity prayer. Everyone puts their arms around everyone else and they chant the prayer. Its really a dreadful experience. Thirdly, they make you stay on campus which meant I wouldn't be able to go to my DBT or therapy. To sum it up: its not a lot of fun. :P
So I freaked out a bit before they sent me to the half-way house and again had urges to self harm. It only delayed the inevitable and I was sent to the halfway house none the less. Three days later I would again become an inpatient. Thursday was an anxiety filled day, between people touching me, 12 step meetings, and being assertive to my mother it was a set up for disaster on Friday. Friday dawned with anxiety, but the urge to self injure and run away didn't start till mid morning, At that time I could have taken my Kalanapin to help me out, but I think it would have been like putting a band-aid on an open wound. At dinner all I could think about was getting up and walking out of the dining hall and not looking back. After dinner I went to one of the CAs (Clinical Assistants) and told her about my urges to self harm and run away. She said, "Do you want to journal about it? Or talk to another patient?" No, bitch I want to talk to you. I went inside and one of the other CAs asked if I was okay (I was crying). I said no and she took me aside to talk to me, aka lecture me on being stronger than the voices in my head. After that she sent me into focus group. Focus is like a check in group, you talk about how you're feeling and if you met your goal. When it was my turn I said, "I feel numb and I'm having intense urges to hurt myself." They told me to stay after so the nurse could talk to me, but all the nurse did was give me my Kalanapin and tell me to go back to the halfway house. Really? I insised that I was not safe and even yelled (I'm not fucking safe!) at the nurse before she called my doctor. So needless to say I was put back on precautions. A couple days after that, we decided to scratch the halfway house idea and just send me home.
So Tuesday came around and I was ready for discharge to partial. I had them ask my doctor if I could leave early to go to DBT and individual therapy. He agreed and by 5 o'clock I was out the door. Everyone in my DBT group was thrilled to see me. So was Robin.
In individual therapy we were checking in with the community and talking with Michelle when I got even more dissociated than nornal. Robin asked if there was anyone else there and Michelle said yes. She asked if it was an adult or child, male or female. Michelle said adult female. Later in the session Robin asked the adult female to come out to talk. She was very angry. She cussed Robin out. We got her settled down and learned that her name is Madeline. Shes in her 20s. And she does not like cats or fuzzy animals. Her safe space is a huge cave with a tiny opening to get in and a hole in the celing for light. She drew a picture of it for me today. Its pretty nice in there. There are a few bats that live in there too.
Today was an awesome day. I've really felt good today. I've got a family meeting on Friday and we're going to discuss my longer term plans.
But for now I'm going to bed because I've got to be up in the morning to do the day program at the hospital.
Later taters.
Anyways, I did pretty well there until right before the family session when my dad was sopost to show up. I started having urges to self injure and I got pretty out of control, so they stuck my ass on precautions. I ended up not even attending the session, though my dad did show up. They even let me go out on the patio while he left so I didn't have to see him. ^_^ I did a ton better after that and got back off precautions.
Then they wanted to send me to the half way house. There are several things I don't like about the "recovery residence" as they call it. First are the 12 step groups. I have a strong dislike of the 12 steps and everything associated with it. I'm still not a hundred percent sure why I dislike the 12 steps, but it's something I'm actively journaling on. Second are the "group hugs" and the general lack of boundaries concerning touching. The "group hugs" occur after every meeting at the recovery residence while they chant the serenity prayer. Everyone puts their arms around everyone else and they chant the prayer. Its really a dreadful experience. Thirdly, they make you stay on campus which meant I wouldn't be able to go to my DBT or therapy. To sum it up: its not a lot of fun. :P
So I freaked out a bit before they sent me to the half-way house and again had urges to self harm. It only delayed the inevitable and I was sent to the halfway house none the less. Three days later I would again become an inpatient. Thursday was an anxiety filled day, between people touching me, 12 step meetings, and being assertive to my mother it was a set up for disaster on Friday. Friday dawned with anxiety, but the urge to self injure and run away didn't start till mid morning, At that time I could have taken my Kalanapin to help me out, but I think it would have been like putting a band-aid on an open wound. At dinner all I could think about was getting up and walking out of the dining hall and not looking back. After dinner I went to one of the CAs (Clinical Assistants) and told her about my urges to self harm and run away. She said, "Do you want to journal about it? Or talk to another patient?" No, bitch I want to talk to you. I went inside and one of the other CAs asked if I was okay (I was crying). I said no and she took me aside to talk to me, aka lecture me on being stronger than the voices in my head. After that she sent me into focus group. Focus is like a check in group, you talk about how you're feeling and if you met your goal. When it was my turn I said, "I feel numb and I'm having intense urges to hurt myself." They told me to stay after so the nurse could talk to me, but all the nurse did was give me my Kalanapin and tell me to go back to the halfway house. Really? I insised that I was not safe and even yelled (I'm not fucking safe!) at the nurse before she called my doctor. So needless to say I was put back on precautions. A couple days after that, we decided to scratch the halfway house idea and just send me home.
So Tuesday came around and I was ready for discharge to partial. I had them ask my doctor if I could leave early to go to DBT and individual therapy. He agreed and by 5 o'clock I was out the door. Everyone in my DBT group was thrilled to see me. So was Robin.
In individual therapy we were checking in with the community and talking with Michelle when I got even more dissociated than nornal. Robin asked if there was anyone else there and Michelle said yes. She asked if it was an adult or child, male or female. Michelle said adult female. Later in the session Robin asked the adult female to come out to talk. She was very angry. She cussed Robin out. We got her settled down and learned that her name is Madeline. Shes in her 20s. And she does not like cats or fuzzy animals. Her safe space is a huge cave with a tiny opening to get in and a hole in the celing for light. She drew a picture of it for me today. Its pretty nice in there. There are a few bats that live in there too.
Today was an awesome day. I've really felt good today. I've got a family meeting on Friday and we're going to discuss my longer term plans.
But for now I'm going to bed because I've got to be up in the morning to do the day program at the hospital.
Later taters.