Just as the caterpillar thought it was the end of the world....
So my goal for today is to open myself to the 12-Steps. I've really been feeling a lot of resistance towards the twelve steps yet my case manager and therapist are urging me to give it a try. So starting today that's exactly what I'm doing. I got some packets from the Women's Center and I bought a copy of A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps as well as a Recovery Bible.
The Bible has been very insightful so far, its exactly what I've been looking for in a Bible: not shoving Christianity down my thought while explaining in plain English what's going on and how it matters to me.
So I know Step One is about awareness and unmanageability. I've decided the aspect of my life that I am focusing on as being unmanagable is my self injury. I've had a ton of urges to self harm over just the past few weeks, both in and out of the hospital. I've hid the scratches and cuts under my clothes, and felt ashamed of my scars. The self injury has been a band-aid on a hole in my being; it has temporarily covered up the deeper emotional pain.
The consequences of my self injury / unmanagable life include (according to Gentle Path's inventory):
Suicidal thoughts/feelings
Feelings of extreme hopelessness or despair
Feeling like two people -- living a public and secret life
Emotional instability
Loss of touch with reality
Loss of self esteem
Loss of life goals
Acting against my own values and beliefs
Strong feelings of guilt and shame
Strong feelings of isolation and loneliness
Strong fears about my future
Emotional Exhaustion
Self Abuse/injury
Sleep disturbance
Physical exhaustion
Strong feelings of spiritual emptiness
Feeling disconnected from myself and the world
Feeling abandonded by my Higher Power
Loss of fathing in anything spiritual
Increase in relationship problems
Jepordizing the well-being of my family
Loss of family's respect
Loss of family of origin
Decrease in productivity at work
Not working to capacity
Loss of important friendships
Loss of interest in hobbies or activities
Financial problems
It's really amazing to see the length of the list. I definately have some problems Whether it's caused by my self injury or my self injury is just part of an overall problem, I definately have a problem.
I'm really tring to get my life together, I feel like I've been so out of control for a long time. My life has been an absolute nightmare.
I'm trying to focus just on today. It's very hard...
My favorite quote right now is: "Just as the caterpillar thought it was the end of the world, she became a butterfly."