The Joker is Wild - III
The Joker is Wild
Chapter 3: Paul Yamato
(outside Post-Op.)
Klinger: Dr. Pierce, I got a delivery for you. This is Captain Paul Yamato, MD, from the 8063rd.
Hawkeye: Oh yeah, we got you in the Winchester trade. What a steal! Hi, I'm Hawkeye Pierce.
Yamato: (shaking his hand) Glad to meet you. I'm looking forward to seeing your operation.
Hawkeye: Yeah, let's just hope we don't have any. Tell you what, after we get you set up at our place, I'll show you around.
Yamato: Thanks. I appreciate it. I'll get my bag and be right with you.
Klinger: (after Yamato leaves) Did Dr. Destructo make his move on you yet?
Hawkeye: No, but Margaret just bought it.
Klinger: Major Houlihan?
Hawkeye: Yeah.
Klinger: Gee, I saw her just a couple of hours ago, laughing like she didn't have a care in the world.
Hawkeye: Life can be cruel. When there's a mad joker on the loose, you can't let your guard down for even a minute. You can go like that. (snaps his fingers)
Klinger: Not me. I lived through four Toledo gang wars and a father with a short temper and a quick jab. I'm not about to be rubbed out in a Korean clown attack.
Hawkeye: We'll make it.
Klinger: Sure we will.
(they shake hands; Yamato returns with his bags)
Klinger: Here, let me take that for you, sir.
Yamato: Oh, thanks.
(BJ appears)
BJ: Paul, is that you?
Yamato: Beej.
BJ: (shaking his hand) You old son of a gun. What are you doing here?
Yamato: I'm on temporary duty from the 8063rd.
BJ: No kidding. It's great to see you. Hawk, did you meet Paul Yamato?
Hawkeye: Yeah, we've been introduced, but you haven't.
BJ: Oh, we're old buddies. We roomed together in army med training school.
Hawkeye: You roomed together.
BJ: Yeah.
Yamato: Boy, did we have a ball, huh? (he and BJ laugh)
Hawkeye: Yeah, I bet you did.
Hawkeye: You arranged this, didn't you?
BJ: Wha-? Come on, will you get off it? (to Yamato) Paul, I'm on duty now, but I'll tell you what - I'll buy you a drink later.
Yamato: (shaking his hand again) Fine. You still owe me one.
BJ: Ah-hah. (he leaves)
Yamato: Great guy.
Hawkeye: Yeah.
Yamato: Oh, I'll take you up on that offer of a tour now.
Hawkeye: You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Yamato: Huh?
Hawkeye: Forget it, buddy. It's not gonna work.
(he leaves sniggering, leaving a very confused Yamato behind)
***
(the mess tent. Igor is serving Father Mulcahy)
Father Mulcahy: Igor, yours is a thankless task, so I hope you won't mind if I don't thank you. (goes off to find a table)
Hawkeye: Well, what's the slop du jour?
Igor: This here's carrots and peas.
Hawkeye: Oh, succotrash.
Igor: Actually, sir, they're really good today. I highly recommend them.
Hawkeye: What about this stuff?
Igor: The beans? I wouldn't give them to my neighbor's dog. In fact, they're so old, they're has-beens. (he laughs, but Hawkeye doesn't seem to find it funny)
Hawkeye: Thanks for the tip. I'll have the carrots and peas.
Igor: (still giggling) Coming right up.
(Hawkeye sees BJ sitting at the nearest table, staring intently at him, and immediately grabs Igor's hand)
Hawkeye: So the carrots and peas are good, huh? (laughs)
Hawkeye: He must think I'm really an idiot.
Igor: What?
Hawkeye: Come on, stupid. Don't play dumb with me. If you don't mind, I'll have the beans.
Igor: I'm telling you, sir, they're lousy.
Hawkeye: Well, lousy is just what I'm hungry for right now. May I have the beans, please?
Igor: OK, Captain.
Hawkeye: (stopping Igor again) Oh, right. You say the carrots and peas are good so I'll think that's what he wants me to have, so I'll have the beans because that's what he wants me to have in the first place. (he grins maniacally as he retreats to the table where BJ and Father Mulcahy are sitting) Oh, no. Oh, oh, no. No. Thank you.
BJ: (as Hawkeye sits down with an empty tray) Hey. What are you having for lunch, Hawk?
Hawkeye: Oh, I'll just have what you're having. (he grabs BJ's tray and puts it on top of his own)
BJ: Hey, get your own food.
Father Mulcahy: Hawkeye, what are you doing?
Hawkeye: Just staying a step ahead, Father. He's not gonna have me for lunch. And I suggest you stay on your toes, too.
Father Mulcahy: For heaven's sake, Hawkeye. Stop being such a stick-in-the-mud. It's all just good clean fun.
(he takes a bite, and suddenly gets very red)
Father Mulcahy: Oh!
Hawkeye: (to BJ) You are the lowest.
BJ: Me? What did I do?
Hawkeye: Look at him. You poisoned a priest.
Father Mulcahy: Water!
Hawkeye: I cannot believe you'd be so insensitive. I just can't believe it.
(Father Mulcahy grabs the water jug and drinks)
Hawkeye: I just can't believe it.
Father Mulcahy: BJ. BJ, you crumb!
BJ: Father, if you'd wanted some water, why didn't you just ask?
Father Mulcahy: (after dropping the jug very loudly) Huh! (he storms out)
BJ: Gee, that makes four. Four from six is, uh, two, isn't it, Hawk?
(Hawkeye refuses to dignify this with an answer)
To be continued...
Chapter 3: Paul Yamato
(outside Post-Op.)
Klinger: Dr. Pierce, I got a delivery for you. This is Captain Paul Yamato, MD, from the 8063rd.
Hawkeye: Oh yeah, we got you in the Winchester trade. What a steal! Hi, I'm Hawkeye Pierce.
Yamato: (shaking his hand) Glad to meet you. I'm looking forward to seeing your operation.
Hawkeye: Yeah, let's just hope we don't have any. Tell you what, after we get you set up at our place, I'll show you around.
Yamato: Thanks. I appreciate it. I'll get my bag and be right with you.
Klinger: (after Yamato leaves) Did Dr. Destructo make his move on you yet?
Hawkeye: No, but Margaret just bought it.
Klinger: Major Houlihan?
Hawkeye: Yeah.
Klinger: Gee, I saw her just a couple of hours ago, laughing like she didn't have a care in the world.
Hawkeye: Life can be cruel. When there's a mad joker on the loose, you can't let your guard down for even a minute. You can go like that. (snaps his fingers)
Klinger: Not me. I lived through four Toledo gang wars and a father with a short temper and a quick jab. I'm not about to be rubbed out in a Korean clown attack.
Hawkeye: We'll make it.
Klinger: Sure we will.
(they shake hands; Yamato returns with his bags)
Klinger: Here, let me take that for you, sir.
Yamato: Oh, thanks.
(BJ appears)
BJ: Paul, is that you?
Yamato: Beej.
BJ: (shaking his hand) You old son of a gun. What are you doing here?
Yamato: I'm on temporary duty from the 8063rd.
BJ: No kidding. It's great to see you. Hawk, did you meet Paul Yamato?
Hawkeye: Yeah, we've been introduced, but you haven't.
BJ: Oh, we're old buddies. We roomed together in army med training school.
Hawkeye: You roomed together.
BJ: Yeah.
Yamato: Boy, did we have a ball, huh? (he and BJ laugh)
Hawkeye: Yeah, I bet you did.
Hawkeye: You arranged this, didn't you?
BJ: Wha-? Come on, will you get off it? (to Yamato) Paul, I'm on duty now, but I'll tell you what - I'll buy you a drink later.
Yamato: (shaking his hand again) Fine. You still owe me one.
BJ: Ah-hah. (he leaves)
Yamato: Great guy.
Hawkeye: Yeah.
Yamato: Oh, I'll take you up on that offer of a tour now.
Hawkeye: You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Yamato: Huh?
Hawkeye: Forget it, buddy. It's not gonna work.
(he leaves sniggering, leaving a very confused Yamato behind)
***
(the mess tent. Igor is serving Father Mulcahy)
Father Mulcahy: Igor, yours is a thankless task, so I hope you won't mind if I don't thank you. (goes off to find a table)
Hawkeye: Well, what's the slop du jour?
Igor: This here's carrots and peas.
Hawkeye: Oh, succotrash.
Igor: Actually, sir, they're really good today. I highly recommend them.
Hawkeye: What about this stuff?
Igor: The beans? I wouldn't give them to my neighbor's dog. In fact, they're so old, they're has-beens. (he laughs, but Hawkeye doesn't seem to find it funny)
Hawkeye: Thanks for the tip. I'll have the carrots and peas.
Igor: (still giggling) Coming right up.
(Hawkeye sees BJ sitting at the nearest table, staring intently at him, and immediately grabs Igor's hand)
Hawkeye: So the carrots and peas are good, huh? (laughs)
Hawkeye: He must think I'm really an idiot.
Igor: What?
Hawkeye: Come on, stupid. Don't play dumb with me. If you don't mind, I'll have the beans.
Igor: I'm telling you, sir, they're lousy.
Hawkeye: Well, lousy is just what I'm hungry for right now. May I have the beans, please?
Igor: OK, Captain.
Hawkeye: (stopping Igor again) Oh, right. You say the carrots and peas are good so I'll think that's what he wants me to have, so I'll have the beans because that's what he wants me to have in the first place. (he grins maniacally as he retreats to the table where BJ and Father Mulcahy are sitting) Oh, no. Oh, oh, no. No. Thank you.
BJ: (as Hawkeye sits down with an empty tray) Hey. What are you having for lunch, Hawk?
Hawkeye: Oh, I'll just have what you're having. (he grabs BJ's tray and puts it on top of his own)
BJ: Hey, get your own food.
Father Mulcahy: Hawkeye, what are you doing?
Hawkeye: Just staying a step ahead, Father. He's not gonna have me for lunch. And I suggest you stay on your toes, too.
Father Mulcahy: For heaven's sake, Hawkeye. Stop being such a stick-in-the-mud. It's all just good clean fun.
(he takes a bite, and suddenly gets very red)
Father Mulcahy: Oh!
Hawkeye: (to BJ) You are the lowest.
BJ: Me? What did I do?
Hawkeye: Look at him. You poisoned a priest.
Father Mulcahy: Water!
Hawkeye: I cannot believe you'd be so insensitive. I just can't believe it.
(Father Mulcahy grabs the water jug and drinks)
Hawkeye: I just can't believe it.
Father Mulcahy: BJ. BJ, you crumb!
BJ: Father, if you'd wanted some water, why didn't you just ask?
Father Mulcahy: (after dropping the jug very loudly) Huh! (he storms out)
BJ: Gee, that makes four. Four from six is, uh, two, isn't it, Hawk?
(Hawkeye refuses to dignify this with an answer)
To be continued...