The Joker is Wild - II
And here's the second installment of my transcript/picspam of that great season 11 episode. Enjoy!
The Joker is Wild
Chapter 2: The First Victims
(It's morning.)
(Hawkeye is awakened by the sound of Charles shouting.)
Hawkeye: (starting) What? What's going on?
Charles: This is going on. (he shows Hawkeye the snake)
Hawkeye: Argh!
Charles: Someone put it in my bed.
Hawkeye: (to BJ) You put a dead snake in his bed?
Charles: No, no. It was only dead after I killed it.
Hawkeye: Very clever. It must have taken you months to come up with that one.
BJ: You're blaming me? This country's crawling with snakes.
Charles: Excuse me, I have to put a snake in the grass.
Hawkeye: Go. (grumbles)
BJ: You're getting a little nervous, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye: Oh, don't flatter yourself. Charles was easy. I'm not.
(they get dressed, but Hawkeye pauses to inspect his trousers)
Klinger: (outside) Hey, guys. Get dressed. The colonel wants to see you in his tent.
***
(later)
BJ: Step lively, Hawk. It's not polite to keep a colonel waiting.
Hawkeye: You go first. I want you where I can keep an eye on you.
BJ: (laughing as they exit) My, my, aren't we jumpy today?
Charles: Hunnicutt, if there is a god, there will be a time in your life when you are in dire straits and in desperate need of a wealthy, influential friend.
Charles: When that time comes, I pray that you will turn to me so that I can laugh in your face.
Potter: (in his tent) Sweet mother Machree! I think I'm gonna die!
Hawkeye: That's Potter.
BJ: I think it is.
(they enter in Potter's tent)
Hawkeye: Are you all right? What's the matter? What happened?
Charles: Sir, you're as green as your uniform. What happened?
Potter: (coughing as Charles pats him in the back) I don't know. There I was, performing my morning toilette. I began by polishing the pearlies, but the toothpaste tasted real bad - soapy-like.
(Charles inspects the tube of toothpaste as Potter coughs some more)
Potter: Then I started coughing, and... and bubbles came out of my nose.
Charles: Someone put shaving cream in the toothpaste tube.
(they all look at BJ)
Potter: Well, Hunnicutt, looks like I've just been initiated into the Gotcha Club.
BJ: Oh, no, sir. I'm not that clever. Certainly not like Trapper John.
Hawkeye: This is ridiculous. Aren't you going a little overboard?
Potter: Actually, it wasn't that bad. Far be it for me to grouse when I get got. And now that I've been had, I can enjoy watching the next poor sucker squirm.
Charles: Yeah, you know, actually... (laughs) I can too.
Hawkeye: Well, if you're counting on me for some entertainment, you're wasting your time because I cannot be gotten.
BJ: Oh, I know, I know.
Hawkeye: Well, just keep knowing it.
Charles: Colonel, I believe you sent for us.
Potter: Right. I just got word that HQ has ordered us to swap an MD with the 8063rd for a day. You know how they like us to keep tabs on each other's surgical procedures. Do I see a volunteer?
Hawkeye: Yes, I'll go. Sorry, Beej, but duty calls.
BJ: Oh, gee, Hawk, I can't let you do that. You went last time.
Hawkeye: That's OK. Then you go.
BJ: Well, you know, you've been so jittery lately, I'll feel better if I could stick around and keep an eye on you...
Hawkeye: Oh no, that's OK, that's OK.
BJ: No, really...
Charles: Enough already! I'll go. It'll get me out of the line of Seltzer fire.
Potter: Sold. Well, now that that's settled, let's go eat. (to BJ) Sabotaging the tube. You're a crafty one, Hunnicutt. I'd hate to think what you'd do to somebody you're really gunning for.
BJ: Me too.
(he and Hawkeye exchange menacing glances as they leave the tent)
***
(Post-Op. Hawkeye is writing as BJ approaches)
BJ: Hawk.
(Hawkeye starts)
BJ: Take it easy, will you?
Hawkeye: What are you doing here?
BJ: I work here. I'm relieving you.
Hawkeye: Oh, right. I was expecting you. Where have you been?
BJ: I'm sorry I'm late. You can go on back to the Swamp.
Hawkeye: Good. Here. (he hands BJ the files but quickly turns back) Wait, why do you want me to go back to the Swamp?
BJ: I don't want you to go back to the Swamp. I don't care where you go.
Hawkeye: Oh, really? Then why were you so pointed about saying, "Why don't you go back to the Swamp?"
BJ: Just a figure of speech.
Hawkeye: Oh no, no, no, no, a figure of speech is like "shoot the moon", or "blind luck".
BJ: Or "drop dead".
Hawkeye: Yeah, well, forget it. (he takes the files from Beej's hands and sits down again) It's not gonna work. I'm not going back to the Swamp. I'm gonna stay here and do some paperwork.
BJ: Fine. Stay here and do paperwork.
Hawkeye: Why did you say that?
BJ: Boy, are you edgy today? You ought to see a doctor. (he goes to check on a patient) Hi, pal, how are you doing?
Korean soldier: When I can go back to fight, Doctor?
BJ: What's your hurry? North Korean owe you money?
Korean soldier: I must protect my country against invaders. I must do my job.
BJ: And I must do mine. You're out of the war for another couple of days.
(Margaret enters)
Hawkeye: Morning, Margaret.
Margaret: Buzz off.
Margaret: And you, Doctor Fink, over here.
BJ: (cheerful) Hi, Margaret. How the heck are you?
Margaret: You jerk face! You louse mouth!
BJ: Oh, you're just saying that.
Hawkeye: What's the matter? What did he do now?
Margaret: (putting on her bathrobe to show him) I put this on and I went to take a shower. Needless to say, I wasn't wearing my fatigues at the time. I only took a few steps out of doors when suddenly things got chilly. Here's why.
(she turns, and they see why)
(and it's a big why)
BJ: Gee, Margaret, you look like you could use a bun warmer.
Margaret: Shut up, you lowlife. I turned and ran back into my tent, but not before hearing a chorus of whistles, catcalls, and one marriage proposal.
Hawkeye: You don't have a shred of decency.
BJ: Hey, don't look at me. I had nothing to do with this. However, just by coincidence, I happened to notice something in here.
(he opens a drawer and takes out the missing part of the robe)
BJ: Isn't that interesting?
Margaret: You... You slimy worm! (she storms out)
BJ: Gee, Hawk. Just like the good old days when Trapper was here.
BJ: Or so I've heard.
(Hawkeye gives him a nasty smile and prepares to leave, starting when BJ takes a pen from his pocket)
To be continued...
The Joker is Wild
Chapter 2: The First Victims
(It's morning.)
(Hawkeye is awakened by the sound of Charles shouting.)
Hawkeye: (starting) What? What's going on?
Charles: This is going on. (he shows Hawkeye the snake)
Hawkeye: Argh!
Charles: Someone put it in my bed.
Hawkeye: (to BJ) You put a dead snake in his bed?
Charles: No, no. It was only dead after I killed it.
Hawkeye: Very clever. It must have taken you months to come up with that one.
BJ: You're blaming me? This country's crawling with snakes.
Charles: Excuse me, I have to put a snake in the grass.
Hawkeye: Go. (grumbles)
BJ: You're getting a little nervous, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye: Oh, don't flatter yourself. Charles was easy. I'm not.
(they get dressed, but Hawkeye pauses to inspect his trousers)
Klinger: (outside) Hey, guys. Get dressed. The colonel wants to see you in his tent.
***
(later)
BJ: Step lively, Hawk. It's not polite to keep a colonel waiting.
Hawkeye: You go first. I want you where I can keep an eye on you.
BJ: (laughing as they exit) My, my, aren't we jumpy today?
Charles: Hunnicutt, if there is a god, there will be a time in your life when you are in dire straits and in desperate need of a wealthy, influential friend.
Charles: When that time comes, I pray that you will turn to me so that I can laugh in your face.
Potter: (in his tent) Sweet mother Machree! I think I'm gonna die!
Hawkeye: That's Potter.
BJ: I think it is.
(they enter in Potter's tent)
Hawkeye: Are you all right? What's the matter? What happened?
Charles: Sir, you're as green as your uniform. What happened?
Potter: (coughing as Charles pats him in the back) I don't know. There I was, performing my morning toilette. I began by polishing the pearlies, but the toothpaste tasted real bad - soapy-like.
(Charles inspects the tube of toothpaste as Potter coughs some more)
Potter: Then I started coughing, and... and bubbles came out of my nose.
Charles: Someone put shaving cream in the toothpaste tube.
(they all look at BJ)
Potter: Well, Hunnicutt, looks like I've just been initiated into the Gotcha Club.
BJ: Oh, no, sir. I'm not that clever. Certainly not like Trapper John.
Hawkeye: This is ridiculous. Aren't you going a little overboard?
Potter: Actually, it wasn't that bad. Far be it for me to grouse when I get got. And now that I've been had, I can enjoy watching the next poor sucker squirm.
Charles: Yeah, you know, actually... (laughs) I can too.
Hawkeye: Well, if you're counting on me for some entertainment, you're wasting your time because I cannot be gotten.
BJ: Oh, I know, I know.
Hawkeye: Well, just keep knowing it.
Charles: Colonel, I believe you sent for us.
Potter: Right. I just got word that HQ has ordered us to swap an MD with the 8063rd for a day. You know how they like us to keep tabs on each other's surgical procedures. Do I see a volunteer?
Hawkeye: Yes, I'll go. Sorry, Beej, but duty calls.
BJ: Oh, gee, Hawk, I can't let you do that. You went last time.
Hawkeye: That's OK. Then you go.
BJ: Well, you know, you've been so jittery lately, I'll feel better if I could stick around and keep an eye on you...
Hawkeye: Oh no, that's OK, that's OK.
BJ: No, really...
Charles: Enough already! I'll go. It'll get me out of the line of Seltzer fire.
Potter: Sold. Well, now that that's settled, let's go eat. (to BJ) Sabotaging the tube. You're a crafty one, Hunnicutt. I'd hate to think what you'd do to somebody you're really gunning for.
BJ: Me too.
(he and Hawkeye exchange menacing glances as they leave the tent)
***
(Post-Op. Hawkeye is writing as BJ approaches)
BJ: Hawk.
(Hawkeye starts)
BJ: Take it easy, will you?
Hawkeye: What are you doing here?
BJ: I work here. I'm relieving you.
Hawkeye: Oh, right. I was expecting you. Where have you been?
BJ: I'm sorry I'm late. You can go on back to the Swamp.
Hawkeye: Good. Here. (he hands BJ the files but quickly turns back) Wait, why do you want me to go back to the Swamp?
BJ: I don't want you to go back to the Swamp. I don't care where you go.
Hawkeye: Oh, really? Then why were you so pointed about saying, "Why don't you go back to the Swamp?"
BJ: Just a figure of speech.
Hawkeye: Oh no, no, no, no, a figure of speech is like "shoot the moon", or "blind luck".
BJ: Or "drop dead".
Hawkeye: Yeah, well, forget it. (he takes the files from Beej's hands and sits down again) It's not gonna work. I'm not going back to the Swamp. I'm gonna stay here and do some paperwork.
BJ: Fine. Stay here and do paperwork.
Hawkeye: Why did you say that?
BJ: Boy, are you edgy today? You ought to see a doctor. (he goes to check on a patient) Hi, pal, how are you doing?
Korean soldier: When I can go back to fight, Doctor?
BJ: What's your hurry? North Korean owe you money?
Korean soldier: I must protect my country against invaders. I must do my job.
BJ: And I must do mine. You're out of the war for another couple of days.
(Margaret enters)
Hawkeye: Morning, Margaret.
Margaret: Buzz off.
Margaret: And you, Doctor Fink, over here.
BJ: (cheerful) Hi, Margaret. How the heck are you?
Margaret: You jerk face! You louse mouth!
BJ: Oh, you're just saying that.
Hawkeye: What's the matter? What did he do now?
Margaret: (putting on her bathrobe to show him) I put this on and I went to take a shower. Needless to say, I wasn't wearing my fatigues at the time. I only took a few steps out of doors when suddenly things got chilly. Here's why.
(she turns, and they see why)
(and it's a big why)
BJ: Gee, Margaret, you look like you could use a bun warmer.
Margaret: Shut up, you lowlife. I turned and ran back into my tent, but not before hearing a chorus of whistles, catcalls, and one marriage proposal.
Hawkeye: You don't have a shred of decency.
BJ: Hey, don't look at me. I had nothing to do with this. However, just by coincidence, I happened to notice something in here.
(he opens a drawer and takes out the missing part of the robe)
BJ: Isn't that interesting?
Margaret: You... You slimy worm! (she storms out)
BJ: Gee, Hawk. Just like the good old days when Trapper was here.
BJ: Or so I've heard.
(Hawkeye gives him a nasty smile and prepares to leave, starting when BJ takes a pen from his pocket)
To be continued...