The Joker is Wild - IV
The Joker is Wild
Chapter 4: Close But No Cigar
(Post-Op. Leightman, a patient, is eating his lunch when Hawkeye appears.)
Hawkeye: How's that leg feeling, Leightman?
Leightman: Much better, sir. You really did a terrific job.
Hawkeye: Don't thank me, Private. Thank all the little people in government who made this whole event possible.
Leightman: You know, it's almost worth getting shot just to get out of eating that lousy field food. Did you have the pork chops tonight?
Hawkeye: Huh?
Leightman: Pork chops. Did you have the pork chops tonight?
Hawkeye: No. I haven't eaten since breakfast.
Leightman: Oh, that's too bad. I tell you, they were absolutely tremendous. The best I've had in the longest time.
(Hawkeye gestures for him to be quiet while he listens to his heartbeat)
Leightman: (once the moment of silence is over) Just like home-cooked, and that gravy was...
Hawkeye: (clearly too hungry to enjoy this conversation) Yeah, great. Well, everything seems to be beating in an orderly fashion. You should be two-stepping back to your unit in no time.
Leightman: That's great, Doc. Thanks. (he remembers something and reaches to his pocket) My CO gave me this genuine Cuban stogy. Well, I didn't have the heart to tell him I don't smoke. I'd like you to have it.
Hawkeye: Oh, thank you. That's very nice. You know, it's a long time since I've had a...
(BJ enters, and something dawns on Hawkeye)
Hawkeye: ...a good cigar. I guess you thought I'd get a real bang out of this, huh? (he dunks the cigar on Leightman's water)
Leightman: What are you do...?
Hawkeye: Shame on you.
(he gets up, laughing maniacally, and approaches BJ)
Hawkeye: Nice. Very nice. Very nice.
BJ: What was that all about?
Hawkeye: Oh, just throwing cold water on your little plan.
Hawkeye: I can't believe you, using a kid like that.
Hawkeye: You probably even arranged to have him shot.
BJ: I don't know what you're talking about.
Hawkeye: Of course not. Then what are you doing here? These are my rounds.
BJ: (showing a phial) I came to take this to take it the lab.
Hawkeye: (cynical) Ohh...
BJ: You really should relax. You're getting very edgy.
Hawkeye: Oh, you'd like to think that, wouldn't you? Well, I'm sorry, but I'm doing just fine, thank you.
Hawkeye: Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to fill out my reports.
BJ: I hope one of those is a section eight for yourself. Toodle-oo.
Hawkeye: Toodle-oo. (he sits down and prepares to work on his reports)
Yamato: (touching is shoulder) Dr. Pierce.
Hawkeye: (starting) Argh! What the hell are you doing? Get away from me.
Yamato: Sorry, Doctor. I'm just here to observe. I thought we might make rounds together.
Hawkeye: Well, I already made my rounds. You go make yours and we'll compare notes. Start down there, at the far end.
Yamato: Pierce, have I done something to offend you?
Hawkeye: No, and you're not going to.
(Yamato leaves, looking shifty-eyed at Hawkeye)
Nurse: (passing by) Please let me know if you need anything, Dr. Yamato.
Yamato: Thanks.
(the Korean soldier overhears this exchange and becomes very angry)
Korean soldier: (grabbing Yamato in a headlock) Yamato!
Yamato: Hey, what are ya...?
(a fight ensues. Hawkeye sees this and rolls his eyes)
Yamato: Somebody help me!
(the soldier shouts something in Korean; Hawkeye rolls his eyes again and gets up, approaching the fight)
Yamato: Pierce, help me. This guy is crazy!
Hawkeye: All right. Come on. A joke is a joke, but not in post-op. Now, come on. Cut it out.
(BJ shows up and helps Hawkeye)
BJ: Hey. Hey! Easy, easy! This is not a good doctor-patient relationship.
Hawkeye: It's not even good acting.
Korean soldier: Japanese! They steal my country and enslave my people. I have revenge.
Yamato: Damn it. I didn't invade your country. Talk to my relatives, pal. I'm from Bridgeport.
BJ: (carrying the soldier back to his bed) OK, slugger. Come on. OK. (to Yamato) Next time, Paul, you better show him your driver's license.
Yamato: What is this? I'm getting choked to death and your demented colleague thinks I'm kidding.
Hawkeye: Nice try, Beej. I gotta hand it to you, the ploys are getting sicker and sicker.
BJ: (to the soldier) You stay put. (to Hawkeye) Hawk, I had nothing to do with this. Believe me. Neither did Paul.
Hawkeye: Oh, right. I'm gonna believe a guy who lied to a priest. Oh, you are really something. You have no shame at all. And you stay away from me, Dr. Yamato. Or whoever you are.
(Hawkeye enters in Klinger's office with a loud clanging, as our big-nosed Lebanese maniac has nailed a bunch of metallic mugs over the door; the noise makes Klinger dive immediately under the table)
Hawkeye: Klinger, relax. It's me.
Klinger: Just on my guard against the crazy Captain Clodhoppers. There's no way anybody is gonna get in or out of here without my knowing.
Hawkeye: You can't barricade yourself in here till tomorrow morning.
Klinger: Wrong, Sitting Duck. I shall remain in my bunker until his reign of terror has ended. A Klinger strips for no man. I'm gonna live through this if it kills me.
Hawkeye: Well, you can hide if you want, but he's not gonna make me a prisoner of whoopee.
Klinger: I admire your courage, if not your intelligence. Good luck.
Hawkeye: You too. (he opens the front door, and bells ring, startling him)
(he gets out and walks a few steps, when there's a loud explosion in Klinger's office. He runs back inside to find a filing cabinet in flames)
Hawkeye: What was that? Are you alright?
Klinger: How did he get in here? How did he beat the bells? The fiend is everywhere.
(Hawkeye tries to put out the fire)
Hawkeye: What happened?
Klinger: I went to file away your reports. I opened the drawer and boom! In my face. I could've been killed. This caught on fire. The whole place could've gone up with me in it.
Hawkeye: I don't think he meant to start a fire. Even BJ wouldn't have done that.
Klinger: You're saying that a mad bomber isn't capable of arson? He'll stop at nothing.
Hawkeye: Klinger, come on. Relax. He got you. You're off the hook now. He's not gonna...
Klinger: (gesturing for Hawkeye to step back) Not too close. You're a walking time bomb. He's saving the hideous grand finale for you. I don't want to get within 100 feet of you. Go away, go away, go away! He could strike any time, any place.
Hawkeye: OK, OK. But I'm telling you, he's not gonna get me.
(Klinger points at the door to post-op...)
(...and sure enough, BJ is on the other side, a huge grin on his face)
Klinger: Go. Go away. Shoo! Shoo!
(dazed, Hawkeye leaves. The bells ring again when he opens the door, and he's once again startled)
Klinger: Go! Go! Shoo! Shoo!
***
(the Swamp. Hawkeye looks carefully before entering...)
(...inspecting every nook and cranny and jumping at every innocent sound.)
(He bangs a golf club on his footlocker, opens a case to see if there's a bomb in it, threads the floor in search of some sort of trigging device, and dismantles his bed.)
(In the end, everything around him seems so dangerous and filled with possible threats that his only option in to move his bed outside, with barbed wire all around it - and even then, he cannot go to sleep as every bark, meow or chirp seems like a bomb about to explode)
To be continued...
Only one chapter to go...
ETA: lucy_lupin has made a drawing of The Crack Pairing to End All Crack Pairings, AKA Max Klinger (M*A*S*H)/Lavender Brown (Harry Potter), which was born from of the joining of our crazy little minds. You can see the brilliance of it here :)
Chapter 4: Close But No Cigar
(Post-Op. Leightman, a patient, is eating his lunch when Hawkeye appears.)
Hawkeye: How's that leg feeling, Leightman?
Leightman: Much better, sir. You really did a terrific job.
Hawkeye: Don't thank me, Private. Thank all the little people in government who made this whole event possible.
Leightman: You know, it's almost worth getting shot just to get out of eating that lousy field food. Did you have the pork chops tonight?
Hawkeye: Huh?
Leightman: Pork chops. Did you have the pork chops tonight?
Hawkeye: No. I haven't eaten since breakfast.
Leightman: Oh, that's too bad. I tell you, they were absolutely tremendous. The best I've had in the longest time.
(Hawkeye gestures for him to be quiet while he listens to his heartbeat)
Leightman: (once the moment of silence is over) Just like home-cooked, and that gravy was...
Hawkeye: (clearly too hungry to enjoy this conversation) Yeah, great. Well, everything seems to be beating in an orderly fashion. You should be two-stepping back to your unit in no time.
Leightman: That's great, Doc. Thanks. (he remembers something and reaches to his pocket) My CO gave me this genuine Cuban stogy. Well, I didn't have the heart to tell him I don't smoke. I'd like you to have it.
Hawkeye: Oh, thank you. That's very nice. You know, it's a long time since I've had a...
(BJ enters, and something dawns on Hawkeye)
Hawkeye: ...a good cigar. I guess you thought I'd get a real bang out of this, huh? (he dunks the cigar on Leightman's water)
Leightman: What are you do...?
Hawkeye: Shame on you.
(he gets up, laughing maniacally, and approaches BJ)
Hawkeye: Nice. Very nice. Very nice.
BJ: What was that all about?
Hawkeye: Oh, just throwing cold water on your little plan.
Hawkeye: I can't believe you, using a kid like that.
Hawkeye: You probably even arranged to have him shot.
BJ: I don't know what you're talking about.
Hawkeye: Of course not. Then what are you doing here? These are my rounds.
BJ: (showing a phial) I came to take this to take it the lab.
Hawkeye: (cynical) Ohh...
BJ: You really should relax. You're getting very edgy.
Hawkeye: Oh, you'd like to think that, wouldn't you? Well, I'm sorry, but I'm doing just fine, thank you.
Hawkeye: Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to fill out my reports.
BJ: I hope one of those is a section eight for yourself. Toodle-oo.
Hawkeye: Toodle-oo. (he sits down and prepares to work on his reports)
Yamato: (touching is shoulder) Dr. Pierce.
Hawkeye: (starting) Argh! What the hell are you doing? Get away from me.
Yamato: Sorry, Doctor. I'm just here to observe. I thought we might make rounds together.
Hawkeye: Well, I already made my rounds. You go make yours and we'll compare notes. Start down there, at the far end.
Yamato: Pierce, have I done something to offend you?
Hawkeye: No, and you're not going to.
(Yamato leaves, looking shifty-eyed at Hawkeye)
Nurse: (passing by) Please let me know if you need anything, Dr. Yamato.
Yamato: Thanks.
(the Korean soldier overhears this exchange and becomes very angry)
Korean soldier: (grabbing Yamato in a headlock) Yamato!
Yamato: Hey, what are ya...?
(a fight ensues. Hawkeye sees this and rolls his eyes)
Yamato: Somebody help me!
(the soldier shouts something in Korean; Hawkeye rolls his eyes again and gets up, approaching the fight)
Yamato: Pierce, help me. This guy is crazy!
Hawkeye: All right. Come on. A joke is a joke, but not in post-op. Now, come on. Cut it out.
(BJ shows up and helps Hawkeye)
BJ: Hey. Hey! Easy, easy! This is not a good doctor-patient relationship.
Hawkeye: It's not even good acting.
Korean soldier: Japanese! They steal my country and enslave my people. I have revenge.
Yamato: Damn it. I didn't invade your country. Talk to my relatives, pal. I'm from Bridgeport.
BJ: (carrying the soldier back to his bed) OK, slugger. Come on. OK. (to Yamato) Next time, Paul, you better show him your driver's license.
Yamato: What is this? I'm getting choked to death and your demented colleague thinks I'm kidding.
Hawkeye: Nice try, Beej. I gotta hand it to you, the ploys are getting sicker and sicker.
BJ: (to the soldier) You stay put. (to Hawkeye) Hawk, I had nothing to do with this. Believe me. Neither did Paul.
Hawkeye: Oh, right. I'm gonna believe a guy who lied to a priest. Oh, you are really something. You have no shame at all. And you stay away from me, Dr. Yamato. Or whoever you are.
(Hawkeye enters in Klinger's office with a loud clanging, as our big-nosed Lebanese maniac has nailed a bunch of metallic mugs over the door; the noise makes Klinger dive immediately under the table)
Hawkeye: Klinger, relax. It's me.
Klinger: Just on my guard against the crazy Captain Clodhoppers. There's no way anybody is gonna get in or out of here without my knowing.
Hawkeye: You can't barricade yourself in here till tomorrow morning.
Klinger: Wrong, Sitting Duck. I shall remain in my bunker until his reign of terror has ended. A Klinger strips for no man. I'm gonna live through this if it kills me.
Hawkeye: Well, you can hide if you want, but he's not gonna make me a prisoner of whoopee.
Klinger: I admire your courage, if not your intelligence. Good luck.
Hawkeye: You too. (he opens the front door, and bells ring, startling him)
(he gets out and walks a few steps, when there's a loud explosion in Klinger's office. He runs back inside to find a filing cabinet in flames)
Hawkeye: What was that? Are you alright?
Klinger: How did he get in here? How did he beat the bells? The fiend is everywhere.
(Hawkeye tries to put out the fire)
Hawkeye: What happened?
Klinger: I went to file away your reports. I opened the drawer and boom! In my face. I could've been killed. This caught on fire. The whole place could've gone up with me in it.
Hawkeye: I don't think he meant to start a fire. Even BJ wouldn't have done that.
Klinger: You're saying that a mad bomber isn't capable of arson? He'll stop at nothing.
Hawkeye: Klinger, come on. Relax. He got you. You're off the hook now. He's not gonna...
Klinger: (gesturing for Hawkeye to step back) Not too close. You're a walking time bomb. He's saving the hideous grand finale for you. I don't want to get within 100 feet of you. Go away, go away, go away! He could strike any time, any place.
Hawkeye: OK, OK. But I'm telling you, he's not gonna get me.
(Klinger points at the door to post-op...)
(...and sure enough, BJ is on the other side, a huge grin on his face)
Klinger: Go. Go away. Shoo! Shoo!
(dazed, Hawkeye leaves. The bells ring again when he opens the door, and he's once again startled)
Klinger: Go! Go! Shoo! Shoo!
***
(the Swamp. Hawkeye looks carefully before entering...)
(...inspecting every nook and cranny and jumping at every innocent sound.)
(He bangs a golf club on his footlocker, opens a case to see if there's a bomb in it, threads the floor in search of some sort of trigging device, and dismantles his bed.)
(In the end, everything around him seems so dangerous and filled with possible threats that his only option in to move his bed outside, with barbed wire all around it - and even then, he cannot go to sleep as every bark, meow or chirp seems like a bomb about to explode)
To be continued...
Only one chapter to go...
ETA: lucy_lupin has made a drawing of The Crack Pairing to End All Crack Pairings, AKA Max Klinger (M*A*S*H)/Lavender Brown (Harry Potter), which was born from of the joining of our crazy little minds. You can see the brilliance of it here :)