Your hot ancient roomate might be ticklish. Also, Aryan. You might wanna look into that.
Previously:
- Eric bought Sookie, or something like that. But even she knows that slavery is a dated practice in the US, so she's having none of that. Even though he puts it very nicely: "I could attack you but I don't. How great am I?"
- Jessica and Hoyt moved into a house with DOLLS. Because they've obviously never seen Chucky.
- Tara came back, all bisexual and badass, but the main point is: her hair looks all kinds of fantastic.
- Keeng Beel had a date with Eric in his gorgeous office that's really Nan's office, but he's allowed to sit in it. For now. She probably bought it for him, so she wouldn't have to see the ugly old house while skyping. (Maybe she has a Talbot back home.)
- Tea party FotS people were obnoxious assholes, but the weird thing is, not one of them insulted PotUS. Like, they didn't even shout "taxes" and "birth certificate" ONCE and with the vampires being sort of dead, that's such a missed opportunity!
- Aunt Petunia erased Eric's memory. Then he took his shirt off. Don't ask why, just enjoy it, dumbass!
ok, lets get started:
Eric/Sookie
He's like a little puppy. You know, they can bite, but they're so adorable and cute and in this case ticklish, which is just outrageous. And idiotic. You loose the ability to be ticklish at a certain age, your body loses it, so after 1000 years... never mind, it was cute. So I get the appeal, I get the "I wanna keep my house, so he can stay" thing, even the shopping, but washing his feet? After she's just been angry at him? That's weird. Let the guy take a shower, if you want to, offer to join him, but washing someone's feet seems very intimate and tender to me. It's certainly not the next logical step after breaking someone's nose and telling them to not step on your carpet with their dirty feet.
"You know, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!"
"Yeah, whatever."
The scene with Pam was hilarious though, and I like that (after a trip to Alcide) she sort of decides to stick with the Eric situation and buys him True Blood first thing. It shows how little they know each other. As if he'd ever drink that!
The whole amnesia thing also makes Eric forget his keeengleee date with Beel and he drains a boring storyline instead. Whatever, at least I don't have to watch useless pretty people in glittery dresses anymore. And now we LITERALLY know what the vampire equivalent of a little boy with his hand stuck in the candy box looks like.
"Don't tell Pam! I just took one out of the jar, the other cookies were gone when I opened it, I swear!"
Tommy - just shut up. Go crawl in a hole or something.
"All I ever heard was 'Lily this, Lily that'!"
Marnie was boring this episode, sadly. And her fellow wiccans are so stupid it hurts! NO, Aryan is NOT a race anymore, and NO a swedish guy would not fit in, that's NORDIC! But you know who else made that mistake and was all kinds of stupid, racist and ignorant about that distinction? Nazis. If that comforts you... or something.
I'm starting to wonder what it is with AB and the constant, weird use of throwing the word "Nazi" in to illustrate a point. Is this a fetish or something?
Tara/Laffy/Jesus
Can I just say I love how Tara accepts Jesus in the family and how sweet he is to her? Very cool, since Laffayette and Tara are so close. I gotta call bullshit on Laffayette's "mercy" idea though. If the whole vampire thing frightened him so much, he would try and drive away from them, not towards them. He'd do it by dawn and he wouldn't wait around a while and THEN do it.
Pam
She's still wearing her riddiculously insane/awesome outfits, that's the main thing. And she already embraced the new vampire law under which you can now punish people for being stupid and is using it on Laffayette at the first opportunity. Finally , she and Nan agree on something! Can they be snarky, bitchy BFFs and rule the world now? Plus, she spends her maker-free time playing fuck-bite-kill (like fuck, marry, kill, only for vampires and it goes like this:
Fuck - Tara, obviously. I mean, did you see that? Pam was defo impressed by her. And they're eye-fucking already.
Bite - Jesus. It's not like she cares. He's just also there and also annoying.
Kill - Lafayette. he's annoyed her too many times. Plus she already had his blood, so...
Plus there's an awesome scene in which Ginger is Jesus' hostage and does nothing but shiver, but seems more afraid of Pam then the gun, until Jesus reveals that he's a "brujo" and she hears "Mexican" - which of course sends her skinny ass running out of the torture/fuck basement in panic. Ginger is awesome. She would be interesting as a friend for Arlene, too.
"Help! Vampires! Witches! Mexicans with guns! My dress ripped! In a lot of different places!"
Keeng Beel
You'd THINK it would be good to be keeng, but Eric still doesn't show up on dates, so it just means you're rich, powerful and heart-broken. But then your ancestor walks in and since we're doing incest now (ever since last season), you take what you can get.
I didn't want to find it hot, but it was. Still: if you're keeng, get a keeng-sized bed, moron! Have fun with it, brag more, look less gloomy, hot stuff! (Ok, to be perfectly honest, I just want that chair. And I'd totally have sex in it, because, who wouldn't.)
"We're all gonna die! And to make sure it really happens, we'll get the AVL
upset at us by posting this! Comment and re-post on facebook, ok thanks!"
Still, I like Beel as king. It's a role that gives him something to do, makes him interesting. His "I am the authority" was more foreshadowing than douchery, though. He is signing sentences, according to that rule book Nan handed him, complete with "Nan's bitch, fill in your name here" on the first page and additional AVL bumper stickers in it.
Also, people get sentenced for being stupic now? And for annoying, bad-quality youtube videos? AWESOME! The world needed that! It will help us so much! (I bet this was also Nan's idea: If they feed and get caught, torture. If they're involved in a youtube sensation: unforgivable! She's in PR, y'all. Those things get autotuned and then they're EVERYWHERE!)
"Wait, you never killed Ssssucky for being ssstupid!"
"Come back when you look that great in hot pants, then we're talking."
Jessica and Keeng Beel
They have the sweetest relationship ever! Like, it's genuinely family-like, no weird sexual undertones, and they just seem like a rich, corrupted business-man dad and his daughter coming home from college for a surprise visit. And it's nice to see him stepping off his high horse and not judge her, but rather give her advice from his own mistakes. It would be even nicer if he said "I lost Sookie because I built our relationship on lies and blood", but .... parents are never really that honest. They just aren't. It was still good advice.
It's basically like...
Jessica: Dad, I have to tell you something.... I've been drinking.
Beel: Please tell me the neighbours didn't see you! Or the police! You might have been seen on a traffic camera! You didn't drink and drive, did you?
Jessica: No, I'm not stupid!
Beel: Because if you get into a car accident that way even ah can't help you!
Jessica: You mean they'll take my license away?
Beel: Yeah, that... Also, Nan might ignore my say in this (since ah am just a wee puppet keeng) and sign your death sentence without even telling me first.
Jessica: Wait, whaa-?
Beel: What ah am saying is, talk to your mum about it. She has a right to know.
Jessica: Do I have to? Wait, let's talk more about the death penalty thing.
Beel: Later. Family cuddle, while a guy is killed on my orders downstairs? Nan never cuddles with me!
On Jessica glamouring Hoyt: It was interesting. I wouldn't condone it, mostly because it's still TV and I need harder stuff to get worked up (Crystal!) but also because it's one of those "would I...?" moments. Like, if you had cheated (and was it cheating?) and you confessed and saw the outcome - would you turn back the clock, if you could?
I think it will backfire on her, though. Hoyt will meet that dude somewhere or overhear him talking. Because no way in hell was jess smart enough to glamour her pop tart, while her emotions were running wild like that!
And then she makes the really terrible decision of giving the devil baby the yuckiest doll ever! Like, really, that Terry and Arlene don't rip it from his little hands and tell her to shove it - what kind of parents are they? That kid is CHEWING on the disgusting old doll, that can't be healthy! But then they brought their baby to the kitchen of a restaurant they work in, so they don't even understand the principle of hygiene and health code violations in the first place!
"I played with this as a baby. It's a family heirloom from a long, long time ago. Like 18 years ago!"
Alcide/Stepford Debbie - It's hysterical. Basically Debbie's found Jesus (which either means he's cheating on Laffayette, or it's biblical Jesus, which would mean FotS on this show.) And I'm just saying: Why is her hair blonde now? She looked much more natural in brunette. Is she trying to copy Sookie?
"I'm blond now. Let's be friends?"
Crystal
Just die, bitch. Stop raping and hurting Jason and stop lining up other women to do the same, you crazy fucked up bitch!
"So since I've got you all to myself right now - how would you like to knock
up a bunch of inbred hillbillies? You don't even have to do anything, we'll
rape you and all! Easy-peasy!"
In conclusion i would just like to say this:
Dear Sookie:
1) Always close your windows, girl. ALWAYS! I forgot this week, and it was a mess. Wet books, wet mattress, wet furniture and a built-in pool I didn't ask for. And I didn't even have to deal with vampires, because it wasn't really dark yet.
2) You smell like sunlight. That sounds marketable. Look into it, you could need the cash!
3) Don't run away from a vampire. It's a waste of energy. Plus, they stop you so fucking fast that it doesn't even count as a good work out.
4) If your (maybe evil and very lame and also sort of useless) Fairy godmother shows up to abduct you some more and tells you how vampires are a danger to her, how about threatening her with the vampire who's currently living with you? Kudos for you, for saying no to all things abusive now, but still. If there's something you can do, it's getting rid of fairies. Just mention how many vampires fancy you. She'll be gone like *that*
Next week:
Nan yelling a lot at her puppet king. It will be glorious. And Tommy might murder his mom. (Spoiler: noone will care.)
"I have proof, scientific: royal vampires are far dumber than they realize."