True Blood 4x02 Recap: In which we all find Jesus (but he's already dating Laffayette)
What previously happened:
- Hoyt and jessica live together and make each other miserable.
- Beel is Keeeng of Louisiana and already better at it than all the other royalties on this show. By default, not accomplishment. He doesn't supply big numbers of people with his blood and has no tacky day room, so he wins. Sure, he's still a moody drama queen who gets a lot of respect for basically nothing but that's only ALL VAMPIRE ROYALTIES. It's why they're so awesome.
- Laffayette and Jesus are the best couple ever. I think. I can't concentrate when I see Kevin Alejandro, so if I'm wrong about this, tell me.
- Nan Flanagan was the best person ever to walk this earth.
- Sookie and Eric have very weird ideas about ownership. Let's just say they're both blonde and awesome and someone should step in to tell them to stfu up sometimes. Seriously, where is Tara when you need her?
- Oh right, there's something very wrong with her: she's gay in some city I forgot. Let's focus on the gay part. Also, and this is the part WRONG, just wrong for her: she smokes and does wrestling (lady wrestling of course, because since she got aboused by men she became a lesbian and all lesbians wrestle in a very sexy/sporty way. Wait for the plaid shirts, I dare you.) The wrestling is very Tara, but smoking? People don't just start to smoke because they reinvent themselves. This idea is stupid.
- Jason is the law and order of Bon Temps, Andy is hooked on V and Kenya STILL isn't sheriff. Stupid town.
- Pam's hair is the sexiest I have ever seen. No, wait, jessica's is.
So, here we go:
Jason wakes up. Everything is blurry and scary and the kids he fed for the last year are clearly scared of something. He talks them into cutting him loose, but before they can do so, stister-fucker and asshole of the year Felton turns up, talking trash and looking gross as usual. He puts a gun to Jason's head, promises him... gross sex we don't want to see, I guess?
...Credits...
Eric is still under the impression that when you buy a house, you buy the owner with it. Which is weird, because he's 1000 and owns LOTS of houses. Does he really think this misgynyst idea of property will endear him to Sookie after her two recent comas? Or does he think, if he just insists on his point, she'll believe him somehow, because, let's face it, she's not the brightest. Or is this just another one of Eric's games where he reaches all of his goals somewhere down the line but switches between nightmare, charming, weird and touchingly emotional/human in every other episode? We'll see.
Anyway, Sookie goes: Um, 21st century?
Eric: Don't use words I don't understand.
Sookie: Feminism - ever heard of it?
Eric: Don't use words YOU don't understand!
Which leaves the question: Why did she not move in with Jason again?
Beel&some witch-secretary
They talk about necromancing witches and then Beel decides to take care of that vampire-endaring problem. But first, he let's the witch take of her clothes to reveal riddiculously sexy underwear (like, he has a sexy secretary fetish or something, because noone wears lace bodies like that under clothes like those in reality, just for fun.
Then we get to know that he employs procurers (to procure what? Humans? Eric?) and I really would love to meet that vampire. And then they bang, which is... whatever, it's a free country. He does have a weird issue with necks though - twisting, throttling, biting, grabbing them. It's like Eric and his basement. Or Jason and the absence of shirts. Or Pam rolling her eyes, Eric being smooth, Nan getting shit done by breaking the world record in giving the most people/vampires a psychological break down at once.
You know, it's his thing. Or theeeng, if you want.
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Of course Steve Newlin's always never right. I miss Steve.
It's America, so lots of idiots who are this show's tea party or something protest in front of Fangtasia with the stupidest chant yet. Hoyt isn't having any of it and yells at them, he even starts a fist fight. Jessica would love to rip them apart, but Pam, being more considerate, holds her back and complains about how video phones have taken all the fun out of ripping people apart.
You know, because they record your violence, then you're on youtube and before you know it, Nan is back, insulting the shit out of you. Before she hands you over to the police, pretending to be Hilary Clinton 2.0.
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Sam does boring things. The hot girl from The L Word is naked. It's still dull, and that's how dull Sam is: Hot naked ladies get boring around him. WHILE BEING NAKED.
Sookie stomps her foot some more.
Since she's just been insulted, shocked and weirded out by one of her vampire boyfriends, Sookie walks into the night, by herself, and in a cute little dress, to go see the other one. Two for two, I guess.
She is soon stopped by AVL-esque security men who tell her Beel has become the keeng of Louisiana. When she comes up, Beel has proven that he's one of those guys who act so shifty, dumb and stutter so much that you think they want to get caught banging their hot secretary or something. Also, the woman is STILL IN THE ROOM. And still getting dressed. It obviously didn't occur to his Mayjesti Keeng Beel to let Sookie wait in another room. Of the entire giant house he owns. What, there's no salon, no library? Come on!
Laffayette found Jesus Jesus is magic.
They're both adorable, cute, pretty and so tender! And they have this nice pre-bed-time chat about magic, good and evil and so on. Without being as annoying at it as Sookie and Beel were. Jesus accuses Laffayette of being overly light and lovable, so he still loves him, even with the mohawk, isn'T that nice?
Keeng Beel and how he got his invisible crown.
I don't mean to mislead: There are no crowns! He clearly learned from Russell's mistakes. Sookie disagrees with the one sane suggestion Beel makes (to move in with Jason) for some reason. American pride I think. She leaves Beel telling him basically that he's the most untrustworthy vampire ever, just like alll her boyfriends are. (Why did she come to him again?)
And it's the FUCKING 80ES!!! (But sadly, Spike isn't there. Neither is his awesome tacky coat. His hair style is, though.)
Beel is in London, it's awesome and he's incredibly hot with the accent and incredibly weird with the hair, but he makes a new friend and gives him vitaming advice. They talk about politics, and then Beel rips the guys throat open, heals it, glamours him and meets Nan Flanagan, who stopped by from Days Of Our Lives, to hire him into the AVL. To work for Sophie Anne, so he can do ... something when the Great Revelation comes and she's still a bitch who lives for fake sun bathing, yahtzee and 50es Vogues.
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Since she's Nan, she's very vague and makes no statements about herself. It's Beel who believes human food should not be killed, just drained and it's vampires she knows who agree with him. And there's also MOST vampires, who disagree, because frankly dear, they don't give a shit. You can flip a coin to see which side she's on, but I'll tell you: It's the side she can make a career on. It's the side that allows for mainstreaming, mingling with humans, and for some reason the side that allows her to get yelled at by Republicans a lot. Maybe she just enjoys talking to people she's intellectually superior to.
Talking about those people: Beel gets just the right amount of information: The promise of a life surrounded with humanitay, namedropping to get his attention (Louis Pasteur), pulling out "nice" PR Nan to lure him in and set him up to commit treason (Remember when he was on trial and Nan didn't bother to help? Yeah, that's how close they are!) It's like ... she's a brilliant actress, but she doesn't show it as much as Eric does. With him, it's always there because he somehow likes to seduce and scare at the same time, it's his kind of power demonstration and it can be very artful and subtle. Nan, on the other hand KNOWS of her power and slips from one power suit into another and from one image into another without effort.
Merlotte's
OMG Sookie is working! I don't BELIEVE it!!! She goes up to Sam, he's grumpy and weird and somehow has aged five years since the last episode alone. She promises to tell him about the secret vampire business she didn't do in another realm as soon as people aren't in mortal peril in Bon Temps anymore. Also, as soon as noone wants to keel her dead anymore, at least not every other week. Which would be - never?
Sookie meets demon baby Mikey and Terry and Arlene cutely tell her that they would have named a girl baby after her. But there's no boy name of Sookie OR Snooki. Not even one of Sssssucky! They should have asked Beel. I bet he has a file of names that sound like Sookie's name somewhere. And random words that make him think of her. And a room that's filled with life size pictures of her.
Or, if they had asked Eric, he could have looked through his dream journal for them. (It has Godric with angel wings on the front, a list of all shoes Pam ever ruined for him on the back and lots of dreams about Sookie and whatever the hell he did 1000 years in it. Also, sketches of Voldemort-Russell from back in the day. For wanted-posters.)
Sookie: Your baby is beautiful!
Arlene: Really? This old thing? Wait, no, I didn't mean old! He's brand new!
Sookie: He is an old soul though. Due to my incredible wisdom I can tell such things.
Arlene: BRAND-FUCKING-NEW!!
Sookie: Did you steal this baby?
Arlene: Shut up! I love that disgusting baby! I love that evil demon baby I wanted to abort! *storms off*
Terry: Don't be too concerned about the parenting situation. I mean, he also has me, a traumatized soldier from Iraq with PTSD issues.
Hotshot
Shit happens, Andy is still a useless addict who didn't get suspicious when his co-worker didn't show up for work that day. Felton is still an asshole, so is Crystal, Jason is still a prisoner, this town is still gross. Moving on.
Merlotte's
Sam and Luna from The L Word do things. She looks good. I'm too bored with this scene to bother.
Tommy is at Merlotte's, sort of wants to rip Luna from Sam's hands, but also would like to congratulate his bro for getting the hot girl, so he decides for the douche version of it and just is nosy and rude about it all. Why isn't he dead yet?
Arlene stares at her evil cute baby so intensely that her eye bleeds. Literally. She then accuses the baby of being happy and having a murder-parent and therefore being genetically evil. (Since she's also his parent that must mean the baby is also genetically racist, dumb and offensive, right? I mean, not yet, but give it time.)
Point being: The baby is clearly this seasons villain. Look at is laughing. The HORROR!
There's a psychopathic fratboy living in Gran's house now.
Sookie is getting the groceries out of the care she still owns (?), when she has the most horrible vision ever: Fairies! Cheesy goblin fairies, running at her - bu it's just Tara and her gorgeous new hair, so phew. They hug, get very adorable with each other and find random gifts that Eric cockily left in the house. Also, blood in the fridge (in a very gorgeous vase. Now THAT I would keep. The flatscreen thing is still illegal, I'm assuming. Also there's a vampire bunker in Gran's Sookie's Eric's house now.
Tara: Are you dating vampires again? Because I will be a bitch about that, you know it. They tried to keel you dead, remember?
Sookie: Nonono, this psychopathic 1000 yearold fratboy just owns my house now. It's cool. I'll freak out about it later when I can slap him.
Tara: I see no problem with that. Proceed.
The creepy doll house:
Jessica gets up and wants to heal Hoyt with her magic blood, but his manly male ego would be impaired about that. Then they fight some more. Hoyt is concerned with becoming a V junkie (Good, cause that show was cancelled), so Jessica angrily drives through the drug store for him. Or Fangtasia.
Lots of gay people obviosly preparing the gay agenda
Tara and Laffayette have a lovely reunion. Tara is happy for him, she and Jesus seem close for some reason and they invite her along on a gay cruise, since they heard about her girlfriend and the cage fighting and that one time she wore a plaid shirt. Just kidding, they invite her over to Aunt Petunia's. To revive birds, look at some old pictures of Dudley, also Jesus is still happy that that place has a beaded curtain. As soon as it becomes legal, he wants to marry Laffayette right there in the revival circle. Should be fun. Let's say, season 6?
Tara: Am I the only sane person around here?
Jesus: What, it's just a beaded curtain! Laffayette likes it too, don't you, sweetums?
Beel and Eric have a date. Although Eric is a bit bitchy due to ego reasons. At the same time, he's super happy of having found a way to posess Sookie (which he doesn't) and annoying the hell out of his favourite kick toy. Who now is in charge and can order HIM around. Which isn't Eric's style, since he's really more top than bottom. You've seen last season, you get what I mean.
Anyway, keeng majesty Beel wants Eric to sell Sookie's house to either him or Sookie (preferable to him) and he asks for this in the voice you ask a tea-cup human to give you back your keys so they don't swallow them. Eric, not feeling very tea-cup tonight, dances around Beel, pees on the furniture, makes faces and steals the Sookie-file, while he's at it. It's for his dream journal.
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Then there's talk about necromancing, more ego bullshit and BEEL HAS THE BEST OFFICE EVER! Seriously, I'm having trouble to listen to it all because of the gorgeous furniture, all black, sleek. It looks like a woman bought it. Scratch that, it looks like NAN bought it. After she made sure to get daily secret reports from all his employees, the cameras were well hidden and checked out which one of his fangbangers she'll steal for herself.
Eric: Look at you, man. Now look at me. Now back at you. Now me. I'm on a horse!
Beel: Ah do not have time for this! Ah am tha keeng of Louisiana! Bow, bitches!
Eric: And has your sugar mommy given you permission to send me to the witches?
Beel: Shut up! I don't need her, I don't need anyone! Stay away from Sssucky! I will eat you! After I will eat your children!
Eric: Who, Pam?
Beel: Shut up, your mockery makes me lose mah temper. You know i hate it, when we fight!
Eric: Oh come on, sexy, you LOVE it! See, I'm bowing? See? Look, Godric, look how good I can... oh, shit!
Beel: You promised you would never call me that again!
And with that, they part. Bloody tears, door slamming and a mopey keeng ensue. Eric looks around, steals all Sookie-photos he can find and runs into the night, giggling madly. Witch hunt!
We flash back to Beel killing QSA which he doesn't really do. It's all very anti climactic, but after some her SWAT team has destroyed the queen, Nan marches in to put on the friend act for Beel. It's weird how happy she is, almost as though she just got a new, unknown power boost of unknown greatness.
Nan: Now that you have risked your life for my agenda and will be my puppet forever, tell me about your personal life. Any secrets I should know about? Maybe a fairy I can drain or a teleapath I can use for my day job that I do at night? Or is it more personal than that? Cause you know, if you leave me for a grand daughter of Earl Stackhouse, I'll kill you. It's why Sophie-Anne had to go!
Beel: Noooo, I'd never do that. I'm a honest vampire. I long for humanitay!
Nan: Gross.
Beel: Do I get my crown now?
Nan: Done. By the one true authority that I made up in my head and who is really just me and my two Caribbean bank accounts, I hereby pronounce you keeng of bullshit! I can do that! I'm so fucking powerful! *has a power-induced facegasm* Wow, that was awesome! No go take a shower, I'm out of here. Gotta work early tomorrow.
Beel: What, no cuddling?
Nan: Yeah, I don't know what that is. Bye!
Back at Fangtasia
Sookie appeals to Pam's compassionate human side and urges her to form a book club together, but Pam isn't feeling the estrogen bonding. She also goes full on Team Edward (Or is it Jacob? I really don't know which is which in this case.) Sookie should become Eric's mistress, for protection, sex and expensive gifts. Yeah, that sounds classy. The beginning of a great romance. Also, very fitting for the 17th century.
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Jessica comes in, gets even more angrier by the tea party party in front of the club and drags the cute fang banger from last episode to the toilets to get some fresh-blood kick. Maybe this is her being a vampire. Or her being a teenager. Or just Jessica and her wish to escape an unhappy relationship that's holding her back.
Eric and Nan always are with you, even in your witch coven, but in very different ways.
Holly gives a thank you speech from Marnie to everyone, which is weird, since Marnie is right there. They celebrate being witchy or charmed or having beaded curtains, and Marnie wants to revive a human corpse, but none of it matter because of the MAGAZINE TARA IS READING! It's like the greatest thing ever on this show, possibly because it's the most fake thing Nan Flanagan has ever done and could only be a greater lie, if she was on the cover in an apron, holding an apple pie and kissing a baby. (Hint: It doesn't count if it bursts into flames. Or if it#s Arlene's devil baby.)
Eric then turns up to freak them out and keep them from meeting, but somehow makes Marnie angry by pushing her around, which makes Tara angry, so she attacks him and then he attacks her and Laffayette immidiately goes DON'T INSULT ALBUS DUMBLEDORE MY TARA IN FRONT OF MEEEE! Which helps Marnie channel a seriously scary witch/demon/woman with very weird shiney contacts and all of a sudden it#s dark and intense and Eric's eyes are wide and in wonder. There's an innocence to him that is new. And probably scares the shit out of him, because he woooshes into the night.
Shifters who are human right now
It's very irrelevant, except for the fact that Luna is creepy and awesome for a change, admitting that she transformed into her mother and also might be a legendary native american skin walker or something. Then Tommy comes along and ruins everything.
You're not my real mom! Basically, Jessica is Team Jacob. That is all.
Sookie, awesomely, storms to her car and FINALLY tells the tea party Fellowship fans that their chant sucks, LIKE A BOSS! And they immidiately TRY to come up with something new, but fail miserably. It's like she destroyed the unity, confused them and their anger isn't channelled enough anymore. They're running out of energy. (See how great she can be Eric? You're made for each other! Don't give up. Also, treat her less douchey, while you're at it.)
Hotshot =hell
Crystal and Felton have been fucking, you know, family style, but she didn't get pregnant. Erm, yay?
The bad news is they will eat or transform jason into a panther now and then she'll fuck him until she brings another incest-damaged kid into this shitty town.
Lonely street somewhere
Sookie finds Eric wandering around in the night. She stops, to yell at him for a while. Also, to ask him why the hell he's wearing no shirt. I know that would be my first question.
Anyway, he's very confused, and a little scared, kind of like an overgrown viking puppy, like Hoyt but less childlike. And he even compliments her scent! What a gentleman! (I mean, he'll probably want to eat her now, but still - I always like hearing I smell nice.)
End
Open questions:
- Where did Eric's shirt go?
- What hair products does jessica use? Because I want them.
- Why aren't Crystal and Tommy dead already?
- Did Nan really furnish Beel's house? And has she ever been on the cover of V Magazine?
- What would be a better slogan for the Fellowship morons?
- And is Luna her mom RIGHT NOW? I mean, for all we know, she could be. Wouldn't be the craziest thing to happen in Bon temps.