I'm alive and on fire! I said I'm on fire, dumbass - put it out!
Eric/Sookie
We open with Eric being drunk and all sorts of hilarious. Seriously, he's like a mix of someone at his first frat party who's never been drunk before and 5-year-old! Plus, he's super charming, of course, so Sookie has trouble acting all wholesome and unaffacted. Only Eric Northman could make ass-slapping cute again!
"Great! Now be the black swan!"
Sookie can't help him, since he's sort of delusional, too powerful and too distracted. He checks out her body, then swirls into another state and back, makes her a compliment, chases a racoon, flirts the shit out of her, wants to drink her blood, but not to hurt her and then he goes to take a swim in broad daylight. It's glorious.
Sookie finally gets help at the most reliable source she can: Naked Alcide. Which is awesome for so many reasons. It ends with Eric burning up in the sun and her helping him into his cubby, where he lies down to be melancholic for a while (it's called a fairy-hangover). He promises to be happy, if she kisses him, though, which might be the sweetest thing he's ever said after "Good night, tiny humans!"
Alcide
After helping Sookie and Eric (mostly Sookie), Alcide goes back to Debbie who's still blonde, but definitely not as much over her V addiction as she lets on!
I watch for the plot! Like you'd read Playboy for the articles!
"We have to break up! You're my great-great-great-granddaughter!"Beel/Nan
In general, Beel has as much trouble. Pam won't answer to him, he's been dating a relative without knowing it and when Nan shows up, she doesn't even thank him for keeping her 345th office chair warm with incestuous sex and a brooding ass and stuff. She's just showing up to... why is she showing up? I don't care, it's pretty awesome.
Nan: You fucked up! Do I have to do everything on my own?
Beel: But --- witches! Necromancy!
Nan: That hasn't been done properly since that witch who currently posesses Marnie died 400 years ago. Stop crying! Execute more people! Shut down youtube, I hate that shit! Get up, pretend to be a man and find the viking!
Beel: What if I have to kill humans to do that?
Nan: Did I say you could kill humans? Did I say you could SPEAK?
Beel: ---
Nan: Did I???
Beel: ----
Nan: Good boy. How did your pet funeral go?
Beel: You were right, you're always right. It was Fluffy's time, it was a great and just decision of you putting him to sleep...
Nan: *loses interest, starts preparing a speech, doing her taxes, recalls who to yell at next, checks her mails, decides to order a blonde stripper/chew toy for the weekend*
Beel: It was a simple ceremony. I said a few words, then Jessica held me while I cried...
Nan: I'm sorry, you were saying?
Beel: Sentencing vampires to death is not fun anymore! I wanna go home! I want my mommy!
Nan: Poor Talbot, are your diamond slippers chafing?
Beel: *nods, bloody tears dropping onto the floor*
Nan: Watch out, that's mahagoni! You are the worst puppet king ever! Remember the Salem witch trials? And the Spanish inquisition? And the day the steam engine was invented? And the first episode of Days Of Our Lives? And...
Beel: *snifs* That has nothing to do with my pet funeral or my humanitay! Ah was not even alive during all that, except for...
Nan: Well, since I took place in all of it, I just thought it would be a subtle way of reminding you that I could kill you anytime I wanted. I'm running out of ways to emphasize that. You're as good as dead, bitch! Bye!
Witches doing witchy witch stuff!
Aunt Petunia is robbing around on the floor a lot, Jésus is the only one making any real contributions, while Tara and Laffayette half-heartedly repeat "We're going to die! They'll kill us dead!" over and over again.
Finally, Marnie gets posessed again and destroys Pam's face. But at least her pumps remain unharmed!
"Talk to the hand, while my nail polish dries. Then I will have time to deal with your shit!"
Tommy
When I said I wanted him to die, I meant OFF SCREEN!
Sam/Luna sitting in a tree, playing with barbie dolls...
They're getting cuter and cuter and her little daughter is as awesome as Coby and Lisa. If this doesn't become a major storyline, I'm ok with it lasting for a while. Plus, watching Sam beg to play with barbies? Cutest thing ever!
"I get to play with barbies this season! It will be awesome!"
Devil baby
It's colouring. The walls. The devil is an artist! I knew it! Art is evil! God hates fa(n)gs! And he wants you to be a heavily lifted tax lawyer,
your husband says so! Also, he doesn't want you to raise taxes for millionaires, it's like his most important wish! Ever!
Jason/Hotshot
Jason finds one decent human being in a crowd of rapists and escapes. He even manages to kill Felton, but for some reason Crystal seems to think he'll come back to her and be in love with her again. I take it all back: She's much more delusional than Franklin ever was!
May he be healed by Jessica, reunite with Sookie, Andy, Hoyt and all his real friends and never set a foot in that shithole again!
"Are you an angel?"
"Sort of."
*foreshadowing Jesson/Jassica gaze*Jessica/Hoyt
Find Jason. Does this mean, next episode will have more than 3 seconds of Jessica? Why the hell are the Mickens, Hothshot, Arlene's family and Hoyt's horror mum getting more screen time than her? Her HAIR should get more screentime than all of them together!