(no subject)
Hey look! I'm back here again. What a surprise. I had no idea this was even possible. So I've had this page open for a while, getting ready to write, but was busy listening to some music for the past 3 hours or so. Who can blame me? Tool, A Perfect Circle, Coldplay, Pearl Jam. Good shit. I've never really been into the new age shit they stream out on radio stations and such. Always listen to the old shit, back when the singers actually wrote about real shit that happens in life. Drugs, love, life, war, etc. Now its just a bunch of crap that has no lyrical value. Sure some bands out there still have that talent, but they are getting flooded out slowly by a bunch of stupid shit. At least there is some people out there who can actually FEEL music, and not just like the beat. Those people piss me off...
But yea, I made myself feel like a retard earlier. Comments being thrown back and forth, i see 'call me' so im like...ummmm okay. So I call, then get laughed at. Laughed at the 'situation' rather. But yea it was good to hear her voice. She sounded better but I know all too well. She made a kind gesture to offer me pizza, sorry....but no thanks. And even so, the pizza wouldn't have tasted well...not with so many questions and feelings going on with me. To have the opportunity to see her, but stay here and personally fight the heart that is on my sleeve. Very strange....for once my heart tells me to stay....*rubs hands together* yes..yes...yes... Interesting...
I'll just take it as the growing strength that now resides in me. I'm still the same, yet I'm completely different. The change can be seen right there. It's pretty crazy though, ever since that one night.
I'll say it again. Never really believed in God, well I did in the past but then I stopped. Why? All the shit that has happened to me. All the pain, torment, suffering. Just like in that poem I wrote, felt played by God. Trying to kill myself twice on the range, rifle jamming both times. Yep. Second time I pulled the trigger, it jammed, so I just got pissed and resumed a firing position, aimed, fired. Yea it fired....and I guarantee if I was to put it back to my chin it would have jammed yet again. So I felt played out. I never really got too into it on that poem entry, so I'll clarify a tad more here.
My life was shit at the time, had a broken heart, nothing seemed to be going my way, so I decided to join the Army. Managed to get an MOS with top secret security clearance so I'm thinking to myself 'shit when I get out I can work for the FBI/NSA/etc so easily just cuz of my clearance. So yea I got pumped. I join the fucking army, knee decides to fail on me. Can't do shit. Dreams and hopes, and everything gone; just like that. Being ridiculed by my squad mates and the Drill Sergeants themselves. Yea it pulled a huge load on me. My mind was just SO fucked at the time I wasn't even thinking right. So yea, on the range I tried to kill myself. Twice. Jamming both times. So I wrote that poem in reflection to that.
That my life has been so freaking bullshit, for Him to stop me from committing suicide, only to get out of the Army, and have my life continue to suck. Looking back how I had such a great life ahead of me once I got out of the army after my full term, to have such a nice career. I've kicked myself in the ass ever since. My knee just HAD to fuck up, to fuck my life up. Thats why I resorted to suicide. I felt so lost. Hence the part in the poem of me being on Gods stage, the spotlight is now on me, yet I can't see shit out there....
So it came to pass that why did He stop me? What are his plans? I know now that I'm obviously supposed to do something that couldn't have been done if I was dead. That it must be pretty important. It has to be really important....to stop me TWO times? I'd think He'd just give up once I went for the second time....then again He doesn't give up on anyone.
But really? I still don't understand....first, i was happy with my life, then it turned to shit, then it got turned into more shit, so I gave up on myself, and that failed, then I yell to the sky at that time WHY!, then my life continues to become shit....and now I have all this life changing crap happening to me.
But why? To finally get even lower....and to cry out to someone you don't even think exists...yet deep down inside you do. For Him to answer your cries. For him to send my guardian, Selorah, to me in my dreams. Then to polish it up with Jill? Seriously.....
Sure, this is all just coming to me now, and I'll probably be completely different a few months from now in terms of my strength...but is this what God was waiting for? Is this the start of His plans? I can only sit here and wonder...just what those plans may be.
Even looking at my dreams, to see the 'onset' of what his plans could be...doesn't paint a picture for me. Sure, they say God works in mysterious ways, and this is one of them, but what could I possibly do that could just be so significant that I HAVE to stay here? Why am I needed here alive?
Even after my rifle jammed twice, I wasn't done yet. I'd take a razor blade and slash the fucking hell out of my left arm. Never was able to actually cut deep enough as to be able to just bleed to death. I'd get so deep, and then no matter how hard I pushed that blade deeper, it never went anywhere. Sure I slashed at my wrists, yet they healed up without any visible scars. Probably because I couldn't go deep enough because He wouldn't let me. But thats why I have those scars on my arm. Mostly done in anger that He stopped me yet again. So I just sat there, on the toilet, with my arm hanging, silently crying, as the floor filled up with blood. My blood. All I could do was shake my head.
As far as anybody knows, the scars are from crawling under barbwire.
And when I asked Selorah why my knee hurts, and her response pretty much being that I need to be in pain, in order to feel it....seriously what the hell. The pain in my knee is what started everything really...If my knee never got fucked up, I'd be out of the army in like.....3 months from now. Yea, 3 fucking months. Ready to go join with the FBI/NSA/etc, or I'd otherwise be dead in Iraq. Maybe I would have been dead in Iraq or Afghanistan. Maybe God purposely made my knee hurt, so I'd go and do what I tried to do, in order to keep me alive for whatever reason He has. Just one of those questions you can ask, but never will get an answer. Unless of course, something happens to make me like....really happy. Then I could go about and say that THATS why He kept me here. But who knows.
With these dreams...and Jill guiding me in them. All these hints in those dreams. The scenery, the feelings. What could He possibly want with me? Of all people though. There has to be someone out there who can offer more to the world than I can. Maybe I was right, as I mentioned in an earlier entry....that I'm somehow doing some of Gods work. When Selorah kissed me she was passing on something to me that came straight from The Man Himself...who's to say really.
All I know is that God has some very very special plans for me. I'll just leave it at that.
Anyways I got a letter from CIS, saying the position has been filled and I can reapply in 6 months. Am I upset? Am I pissed off? Nope. I don't see it as a failure, I see it as a very good start. For such a professional company to even look at me, let alone schedule me for an interview. I see it as getting my feet wet and is just pushing me further to continue doing what I'm doing.
My mom needs to hurry up and come home. Miss her. House is like...so boring without her here. But I take her absence as an opportunity for me to grow as a character, and improve my responsibilities. Ones I'll surely need down the road whenever(if-ever) I have a family. I cook every night, I wash dishes every night, I feed the dogs, I give them water, I sweep/mop/vacuum, check the air handler every few days, put shit in its pipes once a month, a lot of other shit. I honestly do EVERYTHING around here. So at least I know I can do them.
But yes, the dream? Still amazes me I can talk about stuff other than what I originally came here to do...heh
Last nights dream....ahh how very very interesting it was. This time, I don't think I was anywhere near where I was in the past few dreams. Well it felt like I decided to go for a walk, and walked for a good while and ended up to where the dream had occurred. Once again it was at night, but for the time of me walking to when I got to my 'destination' I was alone. Thinking to myself all sorts of things as I just walk through the forest, the same forest that was just outside the cave.
(The other dream I had where I kept questioning Jill was slightly different, we were still at the hillside where the cave was, but thats it. Nothing special other than I kept asking a series of questions. Yes, the whole dream of me asking questions)
I remember coming to the edge of the forest, and there was a clearing. It wasn't very big, just some open ground on top of a fairly steep hill, rocky and jagged just like a fairly small mountain; towering just high enough above the trees. So I sit on top and look around. The forest surrounding me, and the pale fog covering it all like a blanket, with just the top branches of the dead trees peeking out. Down below, its all gloomy. Yet up above....what a site. Millions of stars painted against a black canvas. There was an aurora that covered a vast amount of the open sky. Deep greens, deep purples, set perfectly. Thousands of shooting stars zipping by, leaving a fading trail. I decided to lay down and just look and watch it all.
So I say 'it's quite beautiful' (knowing Jill could hear me wherever she was at). I then hear 'very' right next to my ear. It was Jill. Laying down next to me, only in the opposite direction. Our heads right next to each other, but our feet at opposite ends. I turn to look at her, and she was already looking at me. I just layed there and stared at her and she stared at me waiting for me to say what I was going to say.
For some reason I felt very shy, and turned back over and continued to look up into the night sky. I saw her get closer to me out of the corner of my eye, so I turn my head back and she was like...right there in my face, with a huge smile. She told me to 'say it' and as I was going to, she placed her finger on my lips and told me 'shhhh', removed her finger, and gave me a quick kiss.
Yes I was confused, telling me to say what I was going to say, only to stop me right before? All I was going to ask her was to go more in-depth on the whole 'taking on a persona' thing. So I asked her if she actually knew what I was going to say, she told me yes. So I told her okay. Then quickly asked her 'whats with the connection between you two?'
She never tried to stop me from asking that question, strangely enough. She told me 'Its a connection, it is what it is. I know what else you are going to ask, so before you do its a spiritual connection.'
So I look at her, still confused. So she proceeds to tell me the following..."I know you are confused, and have been. I know you have many questions to ask, and you might not like the answers I give you, but it's best if you stop and just take it all in. The answers are around you.'
So being a smartass I ask her 'are you an answer?'
So she looks at me with a smirk and tells me that shes whatever I want her to be.
So now I know she's not going to really be of use with any questions pertaining to....anything really. I guess i'll have to do what she said, just take everything as it is. Soak everything in, and not question it. She did keep telling me about the feelings that I feel, and how I feel when I see/do certain things in the dreams. That they are genuine feelings. Just her answer to something I asked her the other night.
So what do I do next? Lay back down and look to the stars, and smile to myself. I once again say 'its quite beautiful.' I look at Jill and she has this certain look on her face and says 'very....' then she softly whispers in my ear "you really are something special"
Now why would I repeat the same thing twice? I'm starting over. She told me to just take everything in and to pretty much stfu with the questions already, so yea...why not just start over? As if the questions were never asked, so I can proceed to 'take it all in.' She knew why I was repeating it.
So yea...I wanted to make her laugh, so I say 'yes, special ed' then proceeded with a DURRRRRRR sound. Laugh she did. Next thing I know, shes straddling herself over my waist, looking down at me...just staring away with what seemed like a puzzled look on her face(her being on me was nothing sexual like she wanted to ride me or anything) and I started to say 'what' but once again she stopped me. She raised her hand loosely holding her finger out. She told me to listen....I told her I didn't hear anything. She told me 'exactly'
I narrowed my eyes at her in confusion, but wasn't going to ask any questions as to what the fuck she was talking about. I know better now...if I piss her off she could just up and leave me forever, and I don't want that. It's bad enough I'm lost in my conscious state....wouldn't want to be lost in my dreams too. Shes there to guide me, so I'll let her guide me; she can do whatever the hell she wants.
So I don't know, maybe she heard something, and wanted to make sure I didn't hear it. I of course didn't. I didn't get the feeling it was anything bad or evil. Just that it wasn't important and pertinent at the time. She told me 'so you like the scenery?'
I just looked at her, as I already said it was beautiful...twice
she then said 'good, close your eyes,' so i close my eyes and next thing I know shes kissing me. At that moment, even though my eyes are shut, I can see that the sky is even more bright, as if everything around me is changing right now. She starts to softly brush her lips against mine, and I open my eyes. I ask her a question...yes....when I shouldn't but I had to . I asked her 'why the kissing?'
She told me to look around. So I do. No longer out there on that hill where we lay with the heavens up above...instead we are back in the gloomy freaking forest. So now I'm feeling like 'why the hell did you bring me back here?' then realized what she did. She brought me back there, same spot where she kissed me that night, and what happened at that time. When I touched the dead willow, and had the broken heart, when she held me and kissed me and the heartache stopped. She uses a kiss as a way to make me feel. I understand this...but I ask again 'but WHY a kiss?'
She told me its because "its something you cherish. You cherish even the smallest kiss, that you feel love can be expressed by a kiss, no matter its size. A kiss makes you feel alive. A kiss helps you feel."
She actually answered me, and yes, I do cherish them. So her kissing me, the persona she has...she's more than welcome to kiss me.
So being back in the depressing forest, and wanting to get the hell out of there, I closed my eyes, grabbed her, and kissed her. When I opened my eyes nothing happened. So I stood there shocked, thinking it should have worked. I look down at Jill, and she was starting to cry and said 'it doesn't work that way'
I just shook my head in disbelief. I didn't like it there the first time, and now she brings me back? Why...maybe I missed something last time? Once again I decided to take it as is....
So once again shes crying, standing there in these 'haunted' woods. Everything at that moment was just how it was previously, only I wasn't crying and didn't have any heartache. Then I decided to hold her, wipe her tears away, and kiss her. I wasn't kissing her to try and get out of there, I kissed her in return for what she did when she kissed me in these woods. I wanted to take whatever suffering she had that was making her cry. It seemed to have worked, as I was kissing her, it started to rain(yet again, like the dream with the rain and lightning) so I proceeded to take her under my arm and try and seek some sort of shelter. I remember the mountainside where the cave is wasn't too far from where we were, so I began to take her there. The rain started to really come down hard now, so we tucked into a little alcove at the base of the mountain, it wasn't very big, but just big enough that we could fit inside and only get wet when the rain blew the rain in our direction. I took my coat off(yes this oh so magical coat) and wrapped her up in it. She started to shiver from the cold...looked at me and asked 'why?'
Really...shes asking ME a question? So I look at her with narrowed eyes and she says 'why do you comfort me, protect me...why are you so genuine?'
All I tell her is 'I don't know, I feel as if you need me as much as I need you right now'
So that was very strange. My guide is supposed to guide me(and she does, in her own way) and yet I somehow manage to guide her...something she obviously never came across before. Something completely new to her. But really....why can't I just let her guide me? Why do I have to be the same person in my dreams as I am when I'm awake? These dreams keep getting more depth to them every time. And its 4am already so I'm going to go to bed. I havn't been stressed today and I feel very relaxed right now, so another lucid dream should be prominent..
But to very quickly go over the 'ending' to that dream. We just sat in the cave, I held her close to keep her as warm as I could..my coat could only do so much. Don't even know if we said anything else after that, but I do remember her wrapping her arms around me, under my shirt. Reassurance that I wasn't going anywhere.
Au Revoir
But yea, I made myself feel like a retard earlier. Comments being thrown back and forth, i see 'call me' so im like...ummmm okay. So I call, then get laughed at. Laughed at the 'situation' rather. But yea it was good to hear her voice. She sounded better but I know all too well. She made a kind gesture to offer me pizza, sorry....but no thanks. And even so, the pizza wouldn't have tasted well...not with so many questions and feelings going on with me. To have the opportunity to see her, but stay here and personally fight the heart that is on my sleeve. Very strange....for once my heart tells me to stay....*rubs hands together* yes..yes...yes... Interesting...
I'll just take it as the growing strength that now resides in me. I'm still the same, yet I'm completely different. The change can be seen right there. It's pretty crazy though, ever since that one night.
I'll say it again. Never really believed in God, well I did in the past but then I stopped. Why? All the shit that has happened to me. All the pain, torment, suffering. Just like in that poem I wrote, felt played by God. Trying to kill myself twice on the range, rifle jamming both times. Yep. Second time I pulled the trigger, it jammed, so I just got pissed and resumed a firing position, aimed, fired. Yea it fired....and I guarantee if I was to put it back to my chin it would have jammed yet again. So I felt played out. I never really got too into it on that poem entry, so I'll clarify a tad more here.
My life was shit at the time, had a broken heart, nothing seemed to be going my way, so I decided to join the Army. Managed to get an MOS with top secret security clearance so I'm thinking to myself 'shit when I get out I can work for the FBI/NSA/etc so easily just cuz of my clearance. So yea I got pumped. I join the fucking army, knee decides to fail on me. Can't do shit. Dreams and hopes, and everything gone; just like that. Being ridiculed by my squad mates and the Drill Sergeants themselves. Yea it pulled a huge load on me. My mind was just SO fucked at the time I wasn't even thinking right. So yea, on the range I tried to kill myself. Twice. Jamming both times. So I wrote that poem in reflection to that.
That my life has been so freaking bullshit, for Him to stop me from committing suicide, only to get out of the Army, and have my life continue to suck. Looking back how I had such a great life ahead of me once I got out of the army after my full term, to have such a nice career. I've kicked myself in the ass ever since. My knee just HAD to fuck up, to fuck my life up. Thats why I resorted to suicide. I felt so lost. Hence the part in the poem of me being on Gods stage, the spotlight is now on me, yet I can't see shit out there....
So it came to pass that why did He stop me? What are his plans? I know now that I'm obviously supposed to do something that couldn't have been done if I was dead. That it must be pretty important. It has to be really important....to stop me TWO times? I'd think He'd just give up once I went for the second time....then again He doesn't give up on anyone.
But really? I still don't understand....first, i was happy with my life, then it turned to shit, then it got turned into more shit, so I gave up on myself, and that failed, then I yell to the sky at that time WHY!, then my life continues to become shit....and now I have all this life changing crap happening to me.
But why? To finally get even lower....and to cry out to someone you don't even think exists...yet deep down inside you do. For Him to answer your cries. For him to send my guardian, Selorah, to me in my dreams. Then to polish it up with Jill? Seriously.....
Sure, this is all just coming to me now, and I'll probably be completely different a few months from now in terms of my strength...but is this what God was waiting for? Is this the start of His plans? I can only sit here and wonder...just what those plans may be.
Even looking at my dreams, to see the 'onset' of what his plans could be...doesn't paint a picture for me. Sure, they say God works in mysterious ways, and this is one of them, but what could I possibly do that could just be so significant that I HAVE to stay here? Why am I needed here alive?
Even after my rifle jammed twice, I wasn't done yet. I'd take a razor blade and slash the fucking hell out of my left arm. Never was able to actually cut deep enough as to be able to just bleed to death. I'd get so deep, and then no matter how hard I pushed that blade deeper, it never went anywhere. Sure I slashed at my wrists, yet they healed up without any visible scars. Probably because I couldn't go deep enough because He wouldn't let me. But thats why I have those scars on my arm. Mostly done in anger that He stopped me yet again. So I just sat there, on the toilet, with my arm hanging, silently crying, as the floor filled up with blood. My blood. All I could do was shake my head.
As far as anybody knows, the scars are from crawling under barbwire.
And when I asked Selorah why my knee hurts, and her response pretty much being that I need to be in pain, in order to feel it....seriously what the hell. The pain in my knee is what started everything really...If my knee never got fucked up, I'd be out of the army in like.....3 months from now. Yea, 3 fucking months. Ready to go join with the FBI/NSA/etc, or I'd otherwise be dead in Iraq. Maybe I would have been dead in Iraq or Afghanistan. Maybe God purposely made my knee hurt, so I'd go and do what I tried to do, in order to keep me alive for whatever reason He has. Just one of those questions you can ask, but never will get an answer. Unless of course, something happens to make me like....really happy. Then I could go about and say that THATS why He kept me here. But who knows.
With these dreams...and Jill guiding me in them. All these hints in those dreams. The scenery, the feelings. What could He possibly want with me? Of all people though. There has to be someone out there who can offer more to the world than I can. Maybe I was right, as I mentioned in an earlier entry....that I'm somehow doing some of Gods work. When Selorah kissed me she was passing on something to me that came straight from The Man Himself...who's to say really.
All I know is that God has some very very special plans for me. I'll just leave it at that.
Anyways I got a letter from CIS, saying the position has been filled and I can reapply in 6 months. Am I upset? Am I pissed off? Nope. I don't see it as a failure, I see it as a very good start. For such a professional company to even look at me, let alone schedule me for an interview. I see it as getting my feet wet and is just pushing me further to continue doing what I'm doing.
My mom needs to hurry up and come home. Miss her. House is like...so boring without her here. But I take her absence as an opportunity for me to grow as a character, and improve my responsibilities. Ones I'll surely need down the road whenever(if-ever) I have a family. I cook every night, I wash dishes every night, I feed the dogs, I give them water, I sweep/mop/vacuum, check the air handler every few days, put shit in its pipes once a month, a lot of other shit. I honestly do EVERYTHING around here. So at least I know I can do them.
But yes, the dream? Still amazes me I can talk about stuff other than what I originally came here to do...heh
Last nights dream....ahh how very very interesting it was. This time, I don't think I was anywhere near where I was in the past few dreams. Well it felt like I decided to go for a walk, and walked for a good while and ended up to where the dream had occurred. Once again it was at night, but for the time of me walking to when I got to my 'destination' I was alone. Thinking to myself all sorts of things as I just walk through the forest, the same forest that was just outside the cave.
(The other dream I had where I kept questioning Jill was slightly different, we were still at the hillside where the cave was, but thats it. Nothing special other than I kept asking a series of questions. Yes, the whole dream of me asking questions)
I remember coming to the edge of the forest, and there was a clearing. It wasn't very big, just some open ground on top of a fairly steep hill, rocky and jagged just like a fairly small mountain; towering just high enough above the trees. So I sit on top and look around. The forest surrounding me, and the pale fog covering it all like a blanket, with just the top branches of the dead trees peeking out. Down below, its all gloomy. Yet up above....what a site. Millions of stars painted against a black canvas. There was an aurora that covered a vast amount of the open sky. Deep greens, deep purples, set perfectly. Thousands of shooting stars zipping by, leaving a fading trail. I decided to lay down and just look and watch it all.
So I say 'it's quite beautiful' (knowing Jill could hear me wherever she was at). I then hear 'very' right next to my ear. It was Jill. Laying down next to me, only in the opposite direction. Our heads right next to each other, but our feet at opposite ends. I turn to look at her, and she was already looking at me. I just layed there and stared at her and she stared at me waiting for me to say what I was going to say.
For some reason I felt very shy, and turned back over and continued to look up into the night sky. I saw her get closer to me out of the corner of my eye, so I turn my head back and she was like...right there in my face, with a huge smile. She told me to 'say it' and as I was going to, she placed her finger on my lips and told me 'shhhh', removed her finger, and gave me a quick kiss.
Yes I was confused, telling me to say what I was going to say, only to stop me right before? All I was going to ask her was to go more in-depth on the whole 'taking on a persona' thing. So I asked her if she actually knew what I was going to say, she told me yes. So I told her okay. Then quickly asked her 'whats with the connection between you two?'
She never tried to stop me from asking that question, strangely enough. She told me 'Its a connection, it is what it is. I know what else you are going to ask, so before you do its a spiritual connection.'
So I look at her, still confused. So she proceeds to tell me the following..."I know you are confused, and have been. I know you have many questions to ask, and you might not like the answers I give you, but it's best if you stop and just take it all in. The answers are around you.'
So being a smartass I ask her 'are you an answer?'
So she looks at me with a smirk and tells me that shes whatever I want her to be.
So now I know she's not going to really be of use with any questions pertaining to....anything really. I guess i'll have to do what she said, just take everything as it is. Soak everything in, and not question it. She did keep telling me about the feelings that I feel, and how I feel when I see/do certain things in the dreams. That they are genuine feelings. Just her answer to something I asked her the other night.
So what do I do next? Lay back down and look to the stars, and smile to myself. I once again say 'its quite beautiful.' I look at Jill and she has this certain look on her face and says 'very....' then she softly whispers in my ear "you really are something special"
Now why would I repeat the same thing twice? I'm starting over. She told me to just take everything in and to pretty much stfu with the questions already, so yea...why not just start over? As if the questions were never asked, so I can proceed to 'take it all in.' She knew why I was repeating it.
So yea...I wanted to make her laugh, so I say 'yes, special ed' then proceeded with a DURRRRRRR sound. Laugh she did. Next thing I know, shes straddling herself over my waist, looking down at me...just staring away with what seemed like a puzzled look on her face(her being on me was nothing sexual like she wanted to ride me or anything) and I started to say 'what' but once again she stopped me. She raised her hand loosely holding her finger out. She told me to listen....I told her I didn't hear anything. She told me 'exactly'
I narrowed my eyes at her in confusion, but wasn't going to ask any questions as to what the fuck she was talking about. I know better now...if I piss her off she could just up and leave me forever, and I don't want that. It's bad enough I'm lost in my conscious state....wouldn't want to be lost in my dreams too. Shes there to guide me, so I'll let her guide me; she can do whatever the hell she wants.
So I don't know, maybe she heard something, and wanted to make sure I didn't hear it. I of course didn't. I didn't get the feeling it was anything bad or evil. Just that it wasn't important and pertinent at the time. She told me 'so you like the scenery?'
I just looked at her, as I already said it was beautiful...twice
she then said 'good, close your eyes,' so i close my eyes and next thing I know shes kissing me. At that moment, even though my eyes are shut, I can see that the sky is even more bright, as if everything around me is changing right now. She starts to softly brush her lips against mine, and I open my eyes. I ask her a question...yes....when I shouldn't but I had to . I asked her 'why the kissing?'
She told me to look around. So I do. No longer out there on that hill where we lay with the heavens up above...instead we are back in the gloomy freaking forest. So now I'm feeling like 'why the hell did you bring me back here?' then realized what she did. She brought me back there, same spot where she kissed me that night, and what happened at that time. When I touched the dead willow, and had the broken heart, when she held me and kissed me and the heartache stopped. She uses a kiss as a way to make me feel. I understand this...but I ask again 'but WHY a kiss?'
She told me its because "its something you cherish. You cherish even the smallest kiss, that you feel love can be expressed by a kiss, no matter its size. A kiss makes you feel alive. A kiss helps you feel."
She actually answered me, and yes, I do cherish them. So her kissing me, the persona she has...she's more than welcome to kiss me.
So being back in the depressing forest, and wanting to get the hell out of there, I closed my eyes, grabbed her, and kissed her. When I opened my eyes nothing happened. So I stood there shocked, thinking it should have worked. I look down at Jill, and she was starting to cry and said 'it doesn't work that way'
I just shook my head in disbelief. I didn't like it there the first time, and now she brings me back? Why...maybe I missed something last time? Once again I decided to take it as is....
So once again shes crying, standing there in these 'haunted' woods. Everything at that moment was just how it was previously, only I wasn't crying and didn't have any heartache. Then I decided to hold her, wipe her tears away, and kiss her. I wasn't kissing her to try and get out of there, I kissed her in return for what she did when she kissed me in these woods. I wanted to take whatever suffering she had that was making her cry. It seemed to have worked, as I was kissing her, it started to rain(yet again, like the dream with the rain and lightning) so I proceeded to take her under my arm and try and seek some sort of shelter. I remember the mountainside where the cave is wasn't too far from where we were, so I began to take her there. The rain started to really come down hard now, so we tucked into a little alcove at the base of the mountain, it wasn't very big, but just big enough that we could fit inside and only get wet when the rain blew the rain in our direction. I took my coat off(yes this oh so magical coat) and wrapped her up in it. She started to shiver from the cold...looked at me and asked 'why?'
Really...shes asking ME a question? So I look at her with narrowed eyes and she says 'why do you comfort me, protect me...why are you so genuine?'
All I tell her is 'I don't know, I feel as if you need me as much as I need you right now'
So that was very strange. My guide is supposed to guide me(and she does, in her own way) and yet I somehow manage to guide her...something she obviously never came across before. Something completely new to her. But really....why can't I just let her guide me? Why do I have to be the same person in my dreams as I am when I'm awake? These dreams keep getting more depth to them every time. And its 4am already so I'm going to go to bed. I havn't been stressed today and I feel very relaxed right now, so another lucid dream should be prominent..
But to very quickly go over the 'ending' to that dream. We just sat in the cave, I held her close to keep her as warm as I could..my coat could only do so much. Don't even know if we said anything else after that, but I do remember her wrapping her arms around me, under my shirt. Reassurance that I wasn't going anywhere.
Au Revoir