scattered thoughts
jealousy - different levels of tolerance depending on expectations; desire to be only object of desire, despite this being an unrealistic expectation; competing with faceless others? competing with ideal. insecurity. personal handicap?
changing feelings - fair?
range: acceptance, tolerance, happy for (compersion), blank, sad, right, proper, approval/disapproval, definition of relationships and emotional aspects of
lines: not interested in other people having sex, encouraged in maverick sort of way, DEFINITELY not discussed in detail to romance me, fear of projection onto myself; see others in clinical, cold sort of way; uncomfortable discussing sex with known quantity with other individual - like talking about sex with an ex with his new girl, just not cool. does multiple sex partners bother me? clinically no. morally... blank? uncertain. wary. not good with change. threat. constant threat. feel demeaned. willing to be demeaned. realization not good place to put self.
as long as one comes back to... enough? wants being met or only basic needs? know i am wanted, desired. enough? other components of love are...?
what i look for in a lover:
mental - intelligent, passionate about something; common causes/interests
emotional - sensitive, experienced life
social - grounded, has support; humor
physical - desire
what do i want?
equal parts lazy time, date time, daily time
other = me time, friends time
common courtesy, treated nicely sometimes
say = mean
appreciate desires anticipated. realistic?
in order to get what i want, need to expend equal energy towards other. determine desires and fulfill them.
need to:
1. prove not just fallback, important, equal
2. be proved to not just daily, date-worthy for my desires
very tired now. perhaps more later.
changing feelings - fair?
range: acceptance, tolerance, happy for (compersion), blank, sad, right, proper, approval/disapproval, definition of relationships and emotional aspects of
lines: not interested in other people having sex, encouraged in maverick sort of way, DEFINITELY not discussed in detail to romance me, fear of projection onto myself; see others in clinical, cold sort of way; uncomfortable discussing sex with known quantity with other individual - like talking about sex with an ex with his new girl, just not cool. does multiple sex partners bother me? clinically no. morally... blank? uncertain. wary. not good with change. threat. constant threat. feel demeaned. willing to be demeaned. realization not good place to put self.
as long as one comes back to... enough? wants being met or only basic needs? know i am wanted, desired. enough? other components of love are...?
what i look for in a lover:
mental - intelligent, passionate about something; common causes/interests
emotional - sensitive, experienced life
social - grounded, has support; humor
physical - desire
what do i want?
equal parts lazy time, date time, daily time
other = me time, friends time
common courtesy, treated nicely sometimes
say = mean
appreciate desires anticipated. realistic?
in order to get what i want, need to expend equal energy towards other. determine desires and fulfill them.
need to:
1. prove not just fallback, important, equal
2. be proved to not just daily, date-worthy for my desires
very tired now. perhaps more later.