Dear 2010
Dear New Year 2010,
I spent my new year’s eve alone, quite intentionally. The last two weeks have been a concentrated effort focused on self reflection. There comes a time in life where these issues are important and I am fortunate enough to give them the attention they deserve. Growing up in school and life you are constantly being taught to plan, to forecast, to look towards your future. List your goals in life; write down where you want to be in 5 years, in 10 years. But you are never taught how to get from point A to point B. There is no practical life lesson in making your goals attainable, no lesson plan for how to reach for the stars. Certainly there is no plan B to tell you what to do when you don’t or can’t reach those goals. I think this is why so many people reach a point in their lives where they just stop trying. The misconception is that if you fail to reach these goals then you are a failure. The real truth in life is that everything requires work and it is hard to make things work they way you want them to. There are many factors beyond the control of just one person, and human nature is a bitch. We are all reliant on others to move us forward to obtain our own goals. Let’s be honest, other people can be assholes and trying to reconcile your dreams with the dreams of other people is, in its self, a hard fight to win. One side has to give up something or compromise. If one side compromises too much there may be nothing left.
I feel empty most of the time. I am damaged but it’s easy to forget about that. I put up a good front and I am the ultimate social butterfly when I want to be. That takes its own toll on me. People see me, like me, they are my friends but they don’t know me. What does it really mean to know a person? You can go through life thinking you know someone and yet be completely wrong about your assumptions. There are pieces of me I can never annunciate, I am physically unable. It is these things that live inside me every waking moment of my life, they will never leave me. Scars run too deep to heal. I feel disconnected from the world. I don’t know how to communicate or to act for what I want. I am constantly being standoffish and distancing myself from other people intentionally. I hide inside an eggshell. This is how I cope with who I am. My own inability to reach my goals, which may even be the final result of my person. What are goals and how does one align them with one’s self? Why are goals important?
Last night I stood outside in the cold, glass of champagne in one hand and cigarette in the other. Why is it I am happiest when I am alone? What do I really want? What is love? I didn’t find any of the answers, but there was a certain level of peace bringing in the New Year this way. I spent three years loosing myself into something else and I want me back. That’s really what is all about, a selfish homage to me. Then again, how can I understand any of these questions if I don’t know myself?
Here’s to you 2010, may you bring everyone a piece of what they are seeking.
Love,
April