Life, the show must go on.
I haven't felt much like writing. Let alone had much time. I force myself to stay this busy because I don't want to feel these things that I feel. I learned very early how much emotions can hurt. These days it feels like I'm in a stupor, like I'm some kind of human clam content to live in my warm, happy, safe shell. There's an element of danger to this kind of safety. The danger of being lonely, of growing old, of becoming some kind of crazy dog lady with a herd of Corgis living in a cave in the woods of WV with my shot gun. I'd miss my friends too much to ever go that far. Unless, of course, the zombies come.
Making connection is a lot of work. You have to give up a lot of yourself to bridge the gap, and I think the more damaged you are the harder it becomes until the pain of having to do it in the first place almost seems to block out the joy you feel from the process. Which seems entirely off tangent but I promise the two concepts are related. Tired of things being hard becuase I put up more walls to make them harder to avoid getting hurt when I can't even feel a thing in the first place because there's a wall there. Life is like a Catch-22, and that though also makes me miss Vonnegut. It's been so long since I've read a serious book.
"There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle."
Some days I think about making this entire journal open to the wide world of the web, but there really are secrets buried here that no one save myself should have to uncover. Will they change the way you look at me? That won't change who I am. It's about perception and they way you want to perceive me. If I break that you won't be the same. I can say I have no deep secrets because they are all here, all of them have been published. Written words so I can't take them back or forget them, or rather that I won't. I have given my pain, my heart, my blood,sweat and tears away.
Making connection is a lot of work. You have to give up a lot of yourself to bridge the gap, and I think the more damaged you are the harder it becomes until the pain of having to do it in the first place almost seems to block out the joy you feel from the process. Which seems entirely off tangent but I promise the two concepts are related. Tired of things being hard becuase I put up more walls to make them harder to avoid getting hurt when I can't even feel a thing in the first place because there's a wall there. Life is like a Catch-22, and that though also makes me miss Vonnegut. It's been so long since I've read a serious book.
"There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle."
Some days I think about making this entire journal open to the wide world of the web, but there really are secrets buried here that no one save myself should have to uncover. Will they change the way you look at me? That won't change who I am. It's about perception and they way you want to perceive me. If I break that you won't be the same. I can say I have no deep secrets because they are all here, all of them have been published. Written words so I can't take them back or forget them, or rather that I won't. I have given my pain, my heart, my blood,sweat and tears away.