The Chaos that is my world
I havent posted in a while simply because its hard to put into words the events of the past few months. I've spent the better part of my days trying to either run from it or deal with it head on. Neither way seems to benefit my mental health but when have I ever been one to let that be an issue???
Ok, so heres where I am right now....
1. My mother has declined to the point of me having to bring hospice in to assist with her meds and work with the nursing staff regarding her respiratory issues. I have talked with everyone from the intake nurse to the social service dude (who by the way is most cool) to the chaplin which i have politely declined visits for myself from. So I have been making life decisions left and right in that capacity and feel that at the moment I have a foothold on at least that situation.
2. Those of you who know me also know that while I am "technically married" I havent been active in that marriage for quite sometime. Well his girlfriend turned around earlier this month and decided that she wanted to "explore" life outside of all the home that we have provided and while that would be fine BUT she is living there still until the end of the month which puts stress on the entire household instead of just leaving and getting it over with. I resent this more than if she just said it was over and she was leaving but the hanging around is hard on me so I can only imagine what it is doing to Steve. But I am proud of him for going on with his life and returning to the dating life which is great for him.
3. Michael is a challenge on a daily basis and we are doing our best to help him. Its hard though because of all the people in his life, Im the one he wants the least to do with and I know he harbors resentment of me for things that will not change and because he makes it so hard to get close to him, he makes it hard to help him. There is so much for him that I want to see like grade improvement and higher self esteem. I love the boy as if he were my son but because he isnt, I dont have the right to encourage for him what I would otherwise do.
He knows that of his father and I, im the harder one to get rewards from but part of me knows its for his own good and part of me just cant seem to get past anger sometimes and so I withdraw before it becomes too intense.
4. Because of the above mentioned issues, Im in perpetual flareup and my skin is mottled like I'm partially dead. I am in pain almost constantly and while I know its from stress, there is little I can do to control it right now so I contend with it and hope that it will improve the more I can distance myself from the stressors in my life, which isnt far enough right now.
And to top off issues, deep in the recesses of my mind lay the knowledge that a co-workers young daughter passed away this past weekend from an illness that probably could have been avoided. She had surgery about 10 months ago for what was supposed to be Crohn's Disease and something happened during surgery (question of knicked bowel perhaps) and she had been sick ever since but recently had been doing ok but became ill this past week and its still unknown the exact nature of her death but her mom is devastated and it has hit our "work family" very hard so it has been somber around here. Her memorial services are this Saturday and I am planning on attending, but gosh I hate going to these things!
so, for anyone wondering why I dropped off the face of the earth these past couple of months... this is life in a nutshell with little flavorings of garnish on the side to liven up the circumstances...
anyone want a somewhat chaotic life... its going up fairly inexpensive... right up there on freecycle next to my mom :P