It's been a long time since I gave a real update here and I've been struggling with my lack of posting. Much of the posting I had done was in private posts that I'll now be unlocking. I have a post, it has really been weighing on my mind, and blocking my ability to have any other conversations here, so here goes ( Read more... )

Our hopes, our dreams are gone. We had the follow-up U/S yesterday and the baby stopped developing when it measured 6w5d (if was 5d behind on the last scan). Today the miscarriage started and I can't stop crying.

( Read more... )

Yesterday we were up at O'way-too-early to get in to the clinic at 7:30. I was the only retrieval they had scheduled yesterday, so the retrieval staff were quite relaxed. After several pokes and jabs (antibiotics, relaxants (aka drooly drugs) and the IV) they started me on a medication to bring my heartrate up - it's generally 53 bpm at rest and ( Read more... )

I'm in one. I can't even begin to express the morass I am wallowing in. So much of this is being dredged up by the number of pregnancies and newborns around me. I thought I had a handle on the miscarriages, but then I realize this should be 'baby's first christmas' and I lose it. It isn't so much the commercial idea, but rather the fact that this ( Read more... )

I'm not one to usually dwell on these things, and most of the time I honestly forget about them, I tend to exist more in the moment, but it struck me last night that my original due date was last Wednesday. I didn't get on this track because I was sitting alone pining, but rather because I was wondering about my friend 'D' who is due today. It ( Read more... )

One nice thing about this saved draft bit with LJ is that I can now find posts that I thought I published a week ago, and add them to my journal. The TRA last week was spectactularly horrible. Well, actually that is a bit harsh. They managed to decimate one of our major systems, which we knew was weak, just not how weak. Some of the developers ( Read more... )

I have my up moments and my down moments these days. I swear at the end of this all I am going to have the biggest meltdown ever witnessed. I have not yet come to terms with, or been able to deal with this miscarriage. Some part of me still doesn't believe that it is truly over. I went for a pregnancy test at a clinic last Friday and I *still* do ( Read more... )

Thank you to everyone who sent good wishes and thoughts and prayers for me after my positive beta on Friday. Unfortunately, on Sunday afternoon my heart was broken again when I miscarried for the second time this year. I went to the RE's office on Monday anyways for another beta, and my numbers had gone up but not doubled. So based on the fact that ( Read more... )

I went to work today. I didn't really realize how sad I was until I was out among other people. People that I've had an easy relationship with in the past I just don't know how to socialize with right now. The guys missed me and made a big fuss about how I was back and the office wouldn't be quiet anymore - I'm sure they'll regret that some day ( Read more... )

We had the follow-up ultrasound Friday afternoon. As I'd been fearing our embryo stopped growing shortly after our appointment last Tuesday. At this point I can't think about it without crying. I stopped feeling pregnant last Thursday, but was hoping that it was all in my mind ( Read more... )