Sweetheart, your feelings are more important, of course..
It’s happening again, sleep just won’t come. It’s maddening.
Its weird now having all these friends suddenly. They are all freaking out about me moving to New York. Dre texted me last night at 11 and said please call after I stopped the e-mail argument we were having back and forth and wouldn’t pick up my phone so I waited until 5AM when I knew sleep wasn’t an option anymore and I talked to her.
She said my friends are not just suddenly here, they have been there and I’ve been ignoring them. She seems like such a source of drama right now. She offered to go to the hospital with me whenever I reschedule my pre-surgical evaluation and I declined. I have a lot of people offering to go but it’s not a fun hang out sort of deal so I haven’t accepted anyone’s offer and she was more bent out of shape then the average decline.
We went to the beach a few weeks back at some ungodly hour and she was way trashed and I sat in the sand while the sun came up and she yelled and screamed and preached to me about how I was shutting her out, how I was shutting everyone out because I didn’t inform her of my surgery or health issues and because I was running away to New York. She told me to kiss the ocean good bye and that I didn’t have to do this because “he” doesn’t control me anymore and if I had any balls I would stay here and live my life. She called me a coward and then walked off. After a few minutes she came back crying all of her black make up tears on my clothes. She’s manic I guess and she has more issues going on in her head than I’ll ever know but I’m the bad friend for with holding.
The last thing she e-mailed me last night in response to my declining her offer to accompany me to the hospital was something along the lines of fine, fuck it, all you have done is cause me hurt since the beginning, once a lover never a friend again, stupid me for thinking anything different, blah, blah, blah. I just decided at that point to stop responding it sounded like a closer anyway. But I got that text and I thought about her and finally called at 5.
I asked her what was going down in her life that was making her so crazy. I was beginning to think that maybe she was indulging in old demons while in Miami considering she is staying dead in the belly of a drug haven. She said its just alcohol these days and she ranted a little about her “Gothic Sluts” girlfriend but even though this “girlfriend” has put Dre’s ass out on the streets with nothing but her clothes and still demands that Dre pay her portion of the rent on their apartment in LA that they have shared for 4 or 5 years now, she just doesn’t seem that upset about it. I think she likes the fight and she loves a little mistreatment and occasional violence too. I really love her and sometimes I feel sorry that I didn’t have the balls to stomach the scrutiny and criticism I got for being with her, for being a lesbian. My life would be very different if it was me and her now. She’ll be my buddy for life but we haven’t been there for each other the whole time. Fair weather friends, it’s what we are. It’s what everybody is with me and the weather has just happened to be fair for a lot longer than usual here recently.
While I’m ranting have I mentioned how I hate my job lately? I’d love to move tomorrow.
My e-mail has also been fucked up for a while now and when I logged in today it appears that some one has been reading my e-mail for me. Got to fucking love that. So I changed passwords but I am beginning to think control is a much nastier issue than I could ever have imagined or been warned of.
Its weird now having all these friends suddenly. They are all freaking out about me moving to New York. Dre texted me last night at 11 and said please call after I stopped the e-mail argument we were having back and forth and wouldn’t pick up my phone so I waited until 5AM when I knew sleep wasn’t an option anymore and I talked to her.
She said my friends are not just suddenly here, they have been there and I’ve been ignoring them. She seems like such a source of drama right now. She offered to go to the hospital with me whenever I reschedule my pre-surgical evaluation and I declined. I have a lot of people offering to go but it’s not a fun hang out sort of deal so I haven’t accepted anyone’s offer and she was more bent out of shape then the average decline.
We went to the beach a few weeks back at some ungodly hour and she was way trashed and I sat in the sand while the sun came up and she yelled and screamed and preached to me about how I was shutting her out, how I was shutting everyone out because I didn’t inform her of my surgery or health issues and because I was running away to New York. She told me to kiss the ocean good bye and that I didn’t have to do this because “he” doesn’t control me anymore and if I had any balls I would stay here and live my life. She called me a coward and then walked off. After a few minutes she came back crying all of her black make up tears on my clothes. She’s manic I guess and she has more issues going on in her head than I’ll ever know but I’m the bad friend for with holding.
The last thing she e-mailed me last night in response to my declining her offer to accompany me to the hospital was something along the lines of fine, fuck it, all you have done is cause me hurt since the beginning, once a lover never a friend again, stupid me for thinking anything different, blah, blah, blah. I just decided at that point to stop responding it sounded like a closer anyway. But I got that text and I thought about her and finally called at 5.
I asked her what was going down in her life that was making her so crazy. I was beginning to think that maybe she was indulging in old demons while in Miami considering she is staying dead in the belly of a drug haven. She said its just alcohol these days and she ranted a little about her “Gothic Sluts” girlfriend but even though this “girlfriend” has put Dre’s ass out on the streets with nothing but her clothes and still demands that Dre pay her portion of the rent on their apartment in LA that they have shared for 4 or 5 years now, she just doesn’t seem that upset about it. I think she likes the fight and she loves a little mistreatment and occasional violence too. I really love her and sometimes I feel sorry that I didn’t have the balls to stomach the scrutiny and criticism I got for being with her, for being a lesbian. My life would be very different if it was me and her now. She’ll be my buddy for life but we haven’t been there for each other the whole time. Fair weather friends, it’s what we are. It’s what everybody is with me and the weather has just happened to be fair for a lot longer than usual here recently.
While I’m ranting have I mentioned how I hate my job lately? I’d love to move tomorrow.
My e-mail has also been fucked up for a while now and when I logged in today it appears that some one has been reading my e-mail for me. Got to fucking love that. So I changed passwords but I am beginning to think control is a much nastier issue than I could ever have imagined or been warned of.