To Say Her Name by jennukes
Title: To Say Her Name
Author: JennUkes
NCIS Flashfic Challenge: First.
Rating: K +
Category: Angst, team friendship, hint of Kate/Gibbs?
Spoilers: Twilight- or more accurately the aftermath of Twilight
Warnings: none
Summary:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first time Abby spoke Kate’s name, it was met with a heavy, tense silence that lasted a few strained seconds before Gibbs returned to his interrupted directions.
Abby said it as a test - one the three men had failed miserably. She’d noticed that no one spoke her name since they had buried her that rainy, miserable day. They pretended that she didn’t exist - even after Ari had been taken out. A new agent was added to the fractured team, taking Kate’s desk and ostensibly her place on the team. But no one ever said Kate’s name..
It puzzled Abby in the beginning - how they chose to pretend she hadn’t existed instead of remembering her. Then it annoyed her, because Kate had existed and her ghost still haunted the team. Pretending otherwise was utter bullshit. Now it simply hurt her. She had no one to talk to, to remember her with, and Kate was beginning to slip away from her.
So Abby had devised The Test, as she had dubbed it, to exorcise the ghost and to stop her friend from slipping away. She spoke her name to the group as a whole in the middle of the bullpen. Everyone froze, even those not involved in the discussion - those around them to see the results, and the team because no one ever talked of the agent now dead. Thirty seconds later the bullpen was back to normal - as if Abby hadn’t mentioned her name and Kate never existed. The rest went back to their own work, taking their cue from Gibbs.
The second time she said her name was hours later in her lab. Only McGee was there. She needed to test the individuals.
McGee looked at her with eyes that resembled a puppy-dog… one who was pleading with his owner not to kick it again. He said nothing, just looked at her with those beaten eyes, begging her silently to leave the still-too-fresh wound alone.
Abby sighed and turned back to her computer and work. She couldn’t kick a puppy, not this one and not with her steel-toed combat boats.
The third time she said it, Tony looked at her, met her eyes, but spoke softly. “Just drop it, Abs.”
There had been nothing in his eyes or his voice and that stopped Abby cold. When had Tony mastered Gibbs’ unemotional mask? she wondered. The knowledge that Kate’s death had given him that ability worried her.
She hadn’t even been allowed to say it the forth time.
Gibbs had come down to her lab for results with the customary Big Gulp in hand. She opened her mouth, but his eyes silenced her. His voice was harsh when he stated, “Don’t even say it, Abby. What did you find?”
Abby blinked at what she heard in his voice and pointed to the large screen in front of her, spouting off what she had found. He never knew she had only meant to thank him for the soda and not to say Kate’s name. She wasn’t ready for this individual test yet.
The fifth time she said it found her in the cold, silent morgue.
“Ducky, they won’t say Kate’s name, they won’t acknowledge that she even existed. It’s so pathetic because her ghost haunts them all. They are hurting so much and the way they deny Kate’s existence and the way she affected them is hurting them even more… they are scaring me. Tony’s become Gibbs with his damned mask and McGee…McGee reacts like a beaten lab when I mention her name. I can’t even say thanks for the soda to Gibbs without him thinking I am going to say her name. It scares me, it makes me angry they are ignoring all she did for this team, and it hurts me so much.” Abby confided in him. Then she admitted the rest. “It’s like she is slipping from my grasp, Ducky. I’m losing her memories because I have no one to talk to her about, to remember her with. I can’t lose her again, Duck.”
Ducky gave her a small smile and hugged her close. “Darling, Abigail. Everyone grieves in his or her own way. They need more time to work out everything for themselves. You just need to give them more time. Whenever you want to remember her, come find me and we shall toast her memory.”
Abby didn’t even admonish him for using her full name. Her grip on him tightened for a moment and then she stepped back with tears in her eyes. “Thanks, Ducky,” she whispered and headed back to her lab to work.
So she gave them time and went to Ducky when she felt she was losing her memories of her friend. It was almost a year after Kate’s death when she finally ran out of patience.
“I gave them time, Ducky, but I can’t do this anymore,” she told him as she entered her lab. Everyone had gathered there at her request. He looked to have aged years in these last eleven months. Neither she nor he could take the strain any more. Then she addressed the other three. She started with her name. “Special Agent Caitlin Todd… Sit down! I swear I’ll tie you down if I have to and don’t think I won’t like it!” She gave them a patented Abby-kinky-reference smile to soften the blow of her words to come. “Special Agent Caitlin Todd WAS a member of this team. She existed. She was a person, a coworker, a friend. She lived and died. Her death doesn’t change what she was to us. The fact that you all wish that you had died instead of her doesn’t change the fact that she died. Just like the fact that you pretend she didn’t exist, doesn’t change the fact that she DID. Pretending only prevents you from grieving, hurts you and denies what she did for this team. Kate lived. She changed this team for the better. And she died at the hands of a terrorist - one that you all dealt with. You avenged her. None of you are to blame for her death. I know you don’t believe that, but one day you will when you make peace with her. I know we all grieve in different ways.” Abby took a deep breath and let her eyes that sparkled - currently with unshed tears - meet Gibbs’ eyes. “But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t deny her presence, her existence. And I can’t let you do it in my presence. I can’t let you perpetuate the myth that Kate didn’t exist in front of me. You will all refer to her by name in my presence. On your own, you can live in whatever world you want to create. But with me, you will live with the reality that Kate existed. She’s dead, not gone.”
This time the men studied her. Each could read the grief and pain in her eyes. Gibbs let out a tired sigh. He could easily read how their actions were hurting Abby more than the loss of her friend.
Abby turned to him and whispered, “It’s like she’s dying all over again, each time you deny her.”
“All right, Abs,” Gibbs agreed. He could handle the pain talking and thinking about Kate brought him because he couldn’t handle the pain he saw in Abby’s eyes. He couldn’t lose another member of his team.
Tony and McGee nodded their agreement. If The Boss could handle it, they could too, for Abby’s sake.
Abby knew they agreed to do it for her and that she was the only one who could extract such an agreement. So she was very careful on when and how she brought Kate into existence again. Maybe over time, it would help them all. She hoped anyway, because she couldn’t handle losing Tony, McGee or especially, Gibbs. And she wasn’t going to let any of her friends - living or dead - slip away from her.
Author: JennUkes
NCIS Flashfic Challenge: First.
Rating: K +
Category: Angst, team friendship, hint of Kate/Gibbs?
Spoilers: Twilight- or more accurately the aftermath of Twilight
Warnings: none
Summary:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first time Abby spoke Kate’s name, it was met with a heavy, tense silence that lasted a few strained seconds before Gibbs returned to his interrupted directions.
Abby said it as a test - one the three men had failed miserably. She’d noticed that no one spoke her name since they had buried her that rainy, miserable day. They pretended that she didn’t exist - even after Ari had been taken out. A new agent was added to the fractured team, taking Kate’s desk and ostensibly her place on the team. But no one ever said Kate’s name..
It puzzled Abby in the beginning - how they chose to pretend she hadn’t existed instead of remembering her. Then it annoyed her, because Kate had existed and her ghost still haunted the team. Pretending otherwise was utter bullshit. Now it simply hurt her. She had no one to talk to, to remember her with, and Kate was beginning to slip away from her.
So Abby had devised The Test, as she had dubbed it, to exorcise the ghost and to stop her friend from slipping away. She spoke her name to the group as a whole in the middle of the bullpen. Everyone froze, even those not involved in the discussion - those around them to see the results, and the team because no one ever talked of the agent now dead. Thirty seconds later the bullpen was back to normal - as if Abby hadn’t mentioned her name and Kate never existed. The rest went back to their own work, taking their cue from Gibbs.
The second time she said her name was hours later in her lab. Only McGee was there. She needed to test the individuals.
McGee looked at her with eyes that resembled a puppy-dog… one who was pleading with his owner not to kick it again. He said nothing, just looked at her with those beaten eyes, begging her silently to leave the still-too-fresh wound alone.
Abby sighed and turned back to her computer and work. She couldn’t kick a puppy, not this one and not with her steel-toed combat boats.
The third time she said it, Tony looked at her, met her eyes, but spoke softly. “Just drop it, Abs.”
There had been nothing in his eyes or his voice and that stopped Abby cold. When had Tony mastered Gibbs’ unemotional mask? she wondered. The knowledge that Kate’s death had given him that ability worried her.
She hadn’t even been allowed to say it the forth time.
Gibbs had come down to her lab for results with the customary Big Gulp in hand. She opened her mouth, but his eyes silenced her. His voice was harsh when he stated, “Don’t even say it, Abby. What did you find?”
Abby blinked at what she heard in his voice and pointed to the large screen in front of her, spouting off what she had found. He never knew she had only meant to thank him for the soda and not to say Kate’s name. She wasn’t ready for this individual test yet.
The fifth time she said it found her in the cold, silent morgue.
“Ducky, they won’t say Kate’s name, they won’t acknowledge that she even existed. It’s so pathetic because her ghost haunts them all. They are hurting so much and the way they deny Kate’s existence and the way she affected them is hurting them even more… they are scaring me. Tony’s become Gibbs with his damned mask and McGee…McGee reacts like a beaten lab when I mention her name. I can’t even say thanks for the soda to Gibbs without him thinking I am going to say her name. It scares me, it makes me angry they are ignoring all she did for this team, and it hurts me so much.” Abby confided in him. Then she admitted the rest. “It’s like she is slipping from my grasp, Ducky. I’m losing her memories because I have no one to talk to her about, to remember her with. I can’t lose her again, Duck.”
Ducky gave her a small smile and hugged her close. “Darling, Abigail. Everyone grieves in his or her own way. They need more time to work out everything for themselves. You just need to give them more time. Whenever you want to remember her, come find me and we shall toast her memory.”
Abby didn’t even admonish him for using her full name. Her grip on him tightened for a moment and then she stepped back with tears in her eyes. “Thanks, Ducky,” she whispered and headed back to her lab to work.
So she gave them time and went to Ducky when she felt she was losing her memories of her friend. It was almost a year after Kate’s death when she finally ran out of patience.
“I gave them time, Ducky, but I can’t do this anymore,” she told him as she entered her lab. Everyone had gathered there at her request. He looked to have aged years in these last eleven months. Neither she nor he could take the strain any more. Then she addressed the other three. She started with her name. “Special Agent Caitlin Todd… Sit down! I swear I’ll tie you down if I have to and don’t think I won’t like it!” She gave them a patented Abby-kinky-reference smile to soften the blow of her words to come. “Special Agent Caitlin Todd WAS a member of this team. She existed. She was a person, a coworker, a friend. She lived and died. Her death doesn’t change what she was to us. The fact that you all wish that you had died instead of her doesn’t change the fact that she died. Just like the fact that you pretend she didn’t exist, doesn’t change the fact that she DID. Pretending only prevents you from grieving, hurts you and denies what she did for this team. Kate lived. She changed this team for the better. And she died at the hands of a terrorist - one that you all dealt with. You avenged her. None of you are to blame for her death. I know you don’t believe that, but one day you will when you make peace with her. I know we all grieve in different ways.” Abby took a deep breath and let her eyes that sparkled - currently with unshed tears - meet Gibbs’ eyes. “But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t deny her presence, her existence. And I can’t let you do it in my presence. I can’t let you perpetuate the myth that Kate didn’t exist in front of me. You will all refer to her by name in my presence. On your own, you can live in whatever world you want to create. But with me, you will live with the reality that Kate existed. She’s dead, not gone.”
This time the men studied her. Each could read the grief and pain in her eyes. Gibbs let out a tired sigh. He could easily read how their actions were hurting Abby more than the loss of her friend.
Abby turned to him and whispered, “It’s like she’s dying all over again, each time you deny her.”
“All right, Abs,” Gibbs agreed. He could handle the pain talking and thinking about Kate brought him because he couldn’t handle the pain he saw in Abby’s eyes. He couldn’t lose another member of his team.
Tony and McGee nodded their agreement. If The Boss could handle it, they could too, for Abby’s sake.
Abby knew they agreed to do it for her and that she was the only one who could extract such an agreement. So she was very careful on when and how she brought Kate into existence again. Maybe over time, it would help them all. She hoped anyway, because she couldn’t handle losing Tony, McGee or especially, Gibbs. And she wasn’t going to let any of her friends - living or dead - slip away from her.