It was the right choice right?
Well last night I just had to do it. I had to tell him that I couldnt do it anymore. Everyday I feel like I'm in constant compition with every girl in the state of Georgia because I'm just so easily replacable to him. I wouldnt of felt the need to say I couldnt do it anymore, IF he would of just said he didnt want me to go. Everyone takes me for granted and think that I'll always be there when they need me, and while most time this is true some times its just not. I'm so ready to move on with my future and I thought maybe this time I had a chance to make a future with him, but I guess I dont.
All I want is to be happy. I dont need lots of money, or an expensive car, a four bedroom luxary apartment, I just want to be happy and settled. And it seems like the more I want that and the more I try that goal just gets further and further out of reach. I love him, I really do, but thats what scares me. Sometimes I get the feelings like I'm in love with someone who'll never love me back. You know that age old saying "its not that I want to be the ONLY girl in his life, I just want to be the only one that MATTERS"? Well it definately applies here. When things are good with him they are AMAZING, but when they're bad, they're horrible. He asked me not to do it and seemed to have some concern behind it, but what am I supposted to do? I love him and if I knew that there was something worth hanging on to I would. But I have a feelings that next week he's going to sprout a new girlfriend and then what? Am I supposted to still wait to see if things fail so he can come back to me and we can have this battle all over again? I just want to be loved the way that I love. I want someone who tells me I'm beautiful and who says they cant live with me, and its the truth. Someone who depends on me to be there emotionally and physically. Someone who will open up to me when I'm doing things that they dont like. I want someone who focuses 100% on my when it comes to having a future together. I really did think that I could have this with him. I'm insecure about a lot of things in life but I'm not overly parranoid by any means, but I think most people can agree with me when I say that, when youre significant other tells you that you make them happy and they are happy you gave tem another chance, it makes you feel so much better and it helps ease your mind a little bit.
I used to get that. I used to get " I miss you" text messages, or messages online that said how great I was and how I was beautiful, but not this time. I was telling him how amazing I thought he was and how I'm so happy with him, and I would get "thank you's". Despite all these things that I've said, Im still not mad at him. I cant be. I cant hate someone I love. And ya know if he is already looking for a new girlfriend then I wish him the best of luck, honestly. He deserves to find someone who makes him happy and gives him whatever I cant, but at the same time, thats why I cant be here for him to come back to anymore. If I didnt make you happy the first time, or the second, third and hell now the FOURTH time around, then why should it be any different any other time? Maybe I'm just his safe zone. Maybe on some level he really does love me, and maybe he's just scared of me. I dont know and thats why its hard for me to stay. When I weigh my options and look at reasons to stay and reasons to go, right now the reasons to go outweigh the reasons to stay.
This is going to be one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. And not that I'll have to worry about 50 phone calls a day, or text messages or messages online, but when and if they start I'm just going to have to ignore it... and there are going to be some days when I miss him so much and I'm so tempted to pick up the phone and say "Please" I just cant do it. The first three days are always the hardest to get through, but thankfully I do have some pretty amazing people who can get me through it. It's a shame, this is the second time I've loved someone and had it not work out. Its a little discouraging....
I miss him already.