Downward Spiral
I'm depressed. (Yeah, I know, what else is new.)
Anyhoo, one of the quirky things I do when I'm down is, every six to eight months or so, I go to Catalogs.com or similar sites, and order an assload of free mail-order catalogues. Then, in the next few weeks, they start coming in the mail. It satisfies my urge to shop, since I pour over them, circling what I want, but of course, I never order anything. But it's also neat to get fun stuff in the mail. Now is the best time to order catalogues, because most of them are either featuring hallowe'en stuff, or even better, have a seperate hallowe'en issue! I stumbled on a miniatures/dollhouse catalogue, and it has a whole bunch of hallowe'en things, like a tiny jack 'o lantern being carved on a tiny newspaper, and a teeny light string with ghosts and pumpkins! It makes me want to do the "Horror Doll House" that Johnny & I had talked about (years ago)! I should still do it on my own, especially since I found all this miniature spooky stuff to go in it!
Some of the ones I picked this time:
(A few may seem like odd choices, but I know they have cool things in them, because I've flipped through copies my mom, or whoever, had, in the past.)
Miniatures
SHinDigZ
Wireless
Personal Creations
Signals
Gryphon's Moon
The Collector's Edge (This one's for Dan!)
I just got a really depressing call from my mom... Co-op crap again. Neighbours complaining about me. Again.
Sometimes I hate everyone, and wish they'd all fuck off and DIE. :(
Meh. I'm bringing the shitstorm on myself. By not doing the things I should be. Not making calls I should be. My life is falling apart around me, and I just sit and watch it happen. I am one profoundly unhappy little ghoul.... No amount of frilly catalogue gazing is going to snap me out of this, either. I need to refill my anti-depressants... I need to wake up... I feel like I'm in a walking coma all the time. More like a sitting coma, really. And Dan's been so good about my mood swings and tantrums. The boi deserves a medal for the way he's handled me when I go off. Speaking of him, he's going to his mom's after work, and probably staying overnight, to hang out with his "brother-in-law" (sister's fiance, actually), Rick, so I guess I won't see him 'til tomorrow night.
My mom made all these promises to help me before I start to spin out of control (she OFFERED to do certain things) and hasn't kept any of those promises. When someone's in the room, she advocates for me, defending my depression as mental illness, saying I need this and that, but when no-one's looking, she talks to me like I'm a loser who can't get anything done. She sounds annoyed and pissed off at the idea of helping me with anything. (And by "helping", that usually only involves making certain phone calls, nothing more.) If I say I'm feeling extra low, she gets huffy and gives me attitude.
I fucking hate being fucked up.
On top of everything else, I find myself wanting a baby, which of course, will never happen, biologically (plumbing is gone) or otherwise (thanks to CAS). The insanity never ends.... And yes, I am feeling insane. Like something has snapped up there, and can't be fixed. O_o
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