Oof.
Hello LJ, it's been a while. I have no one to talk to today, so the universe (i.e. the LJ community who can read this) gets to hear it. Sorry in advance. I wanted to come home.. I've been wanting to come home for a long time. I've had dreams in which I landed in Oregon, and upon realizing that I was home, I fell on my knees and bawled like a baby from the sheer relief of it. That's pretty much what happened, too. As soon as I heard we were landing in the Portland airport, the floodgates opened, and my dear Jet, who had been so still the entire length of both flights, popped up to comfort me. It's more than relief. There's a lot of grief, frustration and heartbreak in there too. When it hits, I just curl up with Jet and hold on for dear life. I often find myself crying when I look at the skyline during travel, just knowing I'm home. I've let so much of myself go. Suppressed so much in an attempt to keep others happy. It didn't work. I've been so submissive for so long, I'm not sure I remember how to live on my own...But I'm damn well going to figure it out. From now on, I am who I am, and while it's not all pretty, I refuse to be ashamed because I don't live up to *your* standards. I will ever endeavor to improve myself, but I refuse to change to make *you* more comfortable. I am a good, strong, sexual and spiritual being, and if that makes you uncomfortable, you'd better either learn to deal with it, or go elsewhere. Now, those are big words for me, and I know I'm going to have trouble sticking to them, because what I really want is for everyone to be happy, and am willing to bend over backward to do it, regardless of how it makes me feel most of the time. That's something I'm working on. I hope that the people around me will respect that boundaries are something I'm working on, and try to respect the ones I set. We'll see. I feel completely emotionally exhausted and raw. Yesterday I let Brian know that I wasn't coming home. That same day, we found out that Blue has, well, they called it cancer, but it sounds like an autoimmune disease.. and that Alissa and Steven finally get to see each other for the first time in .......4 years? Maybe more? There are seven dogs here during the day, which is fun, but a LOT of work and energy. The replacement tooth (for the one I broke during the seizure) came out again, and I'm not really set up with health care out here yet, so I don't really know what we're going to do about that.. I have to let social security know about the move, and apply for SSI out here.. It's just a lot. I hurt from head to toe and want to shut out the world...Which I can't do because there's too much to get done, and I really could use a hug anyway :-P I chose to do this. I knew it would be hard. Still. Ooof.