(no subject)
I feel like I've really and truly had it. I have to get up tomorrow. Jet needs his shot, I have to call and find out if my medicaid is really being canceled *again*, need to see if I'm really off of the HMO while I do still have medicaid and try to get in for the c-pap study, need to call and see if the background checks have been done so we can get our passes and finally start the actual volunteering process at the VA, there's laundry to do, someone is coming over to measure the stairs so we can carpet them, Jet will need exercise, the list needs its moderators, there is event planing to be done, and of course there will have to be food in there somewhere.. oh and the new Dr. wants me to stop by his office. Wednesday I have a CT scan and Arterial blood gas test, the list will need moderating, events will need planning Jet will need exercising, chores will need doing...You get the idea.
The thing is that I'm so exhausted that brushing my teeth in the morning seems like a big deal. I'm overwhelmed, really, really sick, in a LOT of pain, exhausted, extremely pissed off...and I feel like my soul is broken. I'm empty. Faking it. Filled sometimes with grief, and a sense of overwhelming loss,,sometimes with fury that doesn't seem human,, but mostly just a defeated husk with vague memories of having once been a vibrant life form.
I'll continue to fight in the hope that at some point that girl will have a safe place to come back to. For now I feel it's a hopeless task. Placing one foot in front of the other, staring at the ground because the landscape is too awful to take in. Hoping that first I reach a destination, and then that the destination does not turn out to be simply a swamp filled with razor wire.
The thing is that I'm so exhausted that brushing my teeth in the morning seems like a big deal. I'm overwhelmed, really, really sick, in a LOT of pain, exhausted, extremely pissed off...and I feel like my soul is broken. I'm empty. Faking it. Filled sometimes with grief, and a sense of overwhelming loss,,sometimes with fury that doesn't seem human,, but mostly just a defeated husk with vague memories of having once been a vibrant life form.
I'll continue to fight in the hope that at some point that girl will have a safe place to come back to. For now I feel it's a hopeless task. Placing one foot in front of the other, staring at the ground because the landscape is too awful to take in. Hoping that first I reach a destination, and then that the destination does not turn out to be simply a swamp filled with razor wire.