(no subject)
I must seem horribly desperate to those I get to talk to.. Or like a rambling idiot. Paul likes Heather to take phone calls because the elderly and disabled are so desperate for conversation that they talk forever.. I guess that's me. I feel this desperate need to reach out to people and connect, but I'm terrified of people too. Despite my life experience, I trust easily and love deeply. I need interaction. I need to go out with friends. I need to snuggle and play. I need to dance in loud clubs until my feet bleed, or embarrass myself warbling at some karaoke club...So long as it's with people I love. There's so much fire locked up in here, I feel like I'm going to burst, and so much pain that I cry at the slightest reasons. I feel that I am going to dissolve into this black hole eating me up from the inside. I live in a state of pain, exhaustion, nausea and fear. There is a me that is alive, passionate, sensual, even funny.. How they can co-exist, I am not sure. The lively, passionate me doesn't get much time in the world. The lonely, frightened, exhausted, aching, soul weary me is around a lot more often. Right now I hurt so badly I can hardly stand it. I writhe around trying to find a comfortable position, but my back has been painful nearly to the point of panic for days. My vision is fuzzy, I can hardly breathe, my heart is pounding way too fast, my joints are shouting out their arthritis, and my side aches like hell. I would really love to wrap myself around someone and sleep in the unique comfort of having a loved one in your arms.. But I wouldn't want to inflict myself on anyone at this point. I would only be a burden. That how it always seems to end up.. Just some sick person to resent and take care of, but blame everything on. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm just too tired.