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Can somebody tell me what's wrong with me? Am I a terrible person? Augh, sometimes I feel like I am. I wish I could do more for my Gram, for my friends. I still get too impatient with my Gram and just don't want to be here anymore. I worry i'm losing friends. I feel like some friends don't care about me anymore. It seems some friends are mad at me, and just plain forgotten me or something, augh. I worry i'm not a good enough friend, or that I push people away? Do I? Am I rude? Do I say the wrong thing? Am I boring? Do I act like I don't care? Can someone tell me, be honest if i'm doing something wrong? I know I am bad at calling people...horrible in fact. And I keep meaning to call certain friends and I don't. And that is MY fault I know. Heck, I don't even call my wonderful boyfriend Roger, so it's nothing personal against anyone! He's always busy and I'd rather he call me when he's not working or sleeping, and it works great. I've NEVER been good at calling people, ask my best friend from home, Lisa. But she's gotten over it. She knows I care about her and would do anything for her. And yet, I feel i've failed her before, like when I dated Tim and would brush her off to be with him. Or when she had both cancer and eating problems and for some reason she leaned on me more than almost anyone and seemed to draw strength from me, when that just blew me away in fact. I wanted to do so much more for her, and yet, just calling her (which I started doing thank goodness!) or going out of my way to see her or even just writing her, made her day. That still blows me away, how much I mean to her. It's awesome really. I wanted to do more to help her overcome her eating problems and felt I failed her, but i'm starting to realize just being there for her and showing I cared was enough. I've failed her before and she forgave me. I am secure in our friendship, I KNOW she cares about me and wants me as a friend, and I feel valued and needed. I guess some friends I don't feel that. And I wish they'd know how much I DO care about them and I just suck at showing it I guess..
I try in my own ways though! I'm really good at writing people...in fact I LOVE writing people. I love writing letters, I love writing emails, and I love getting them too of course. Sometimes I do think a gift God gave me was writing. Not so sure if that includes fiction and I realize now, NOT poetry, but writing and encouraging others. I express things better on paper, and I encourage better. So I love to write friends and I have been trying to lately. And I Do it to make them feel good and to remind them I care about them. And then, I hear nothing back. It's not like I do it just so they feel obligated to write me back, don't get me wrong. I guess I long to know if I made them smile, made them feel good, reminded them I DO care. I get no word on it and then I find myself wondering if I matter to that person or what. Or if they even got it at all. I Know it's probably sounding stupid, but i'm just writing what's on my mind currently. I KNOW people are busy, and lots of people aren't into writing and that's just fine. I guess I am stumbling and trying to find ways in which I make a difference and matter in people's lives. Or maybe i'm blowing it way out of proportion and letters aren't really that exciting or important to get, I dont' know.
Something else lately is I think maybe God could be calling me into a ministry of writing. Prison Fellowship popped into my head the other day. For those of you who dont' know it, it's a Christian program begun by I believe Dr. James Dobson, and it's where people can write to someone in prison and encourage them and help them in their faith or something. My grandma did it for years. I don't know, it seems God has planted a seed in me. And it seems, that someone in prison just might look forward to that letter, and maybe I can help that person find forgiveness and new life. Maybe I can make a difference and matter in someone's life, and do something good. But yet it's rather scary. How will I know what the person is really like and if their intentions are true and pure? It's something I want to keep praying about and prayer would be appreciated.
Heh, I wish I was better at showing I care I guess. I think sometimes I worry too much I WILL fail people, or I won't be able to help friends when they face crises and such. Will I say the wrong thing? Will I only make things worse? I do worry about that, and I think sometimes I may pull away cuz I don't want to hurt them or something. Is there a wall or something up that people feel they can't come to me, or they just don't want to come to me? I see Roger and his friends, and I can tell his friends love him and look up to him and they love to tell him the goings on in his life. They know he cares and he's a great listener, they are confident that he will want to know. They call him all the time to vent or share things. I guess I wish people felt they could do that more with me! Sure I may not always be right there to answer, that's what a machine is for! I do have to work a few hours a day now, and I do do things at my Gram's that require me to be away. Cleaning her blood soaked clothing or other nasty things most likely requires two hands (long story, it's been a rough weekend with Gram). But I like to get messages! And I do answer when i'm around! Or when i'm awake, which believe it or not, I DO sleep these days! ;) I've been so exhausted lately and zonk out once i'm in bed. I wish my friends knew they could share with me the stuff that excites them or frustrates them. I want to be better at showing that I care and being able to be there! Or maybe I Just am not a good friend and there's something i'm not realizing yet I need to change. I don't know, this is a ramble, and it feels good to get it out. Sometimes sorting through my thoughts by writing them down really does help.
In reading the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, I learned something about myself. I learned a lot actually, it was an awesome book. Roger wants to read it with me and I think it will help us start our marriage and life together someday. Gary Chapman says there are five love languages, and everyone has a primary one that makes them feel the most loved. The five are Acts of Service, Words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, and um, one that I forgot and my brain can't seem to come up with, Augh. Well anyway, at least I remember mine. I had a hard time figuring out what mine was, cuz I thought I was all of those. I value all of that. But then I realized, and without a doubt know I am one who needs words of affirmation. I NEED encouragement, I need to know that i'm needed, appreciated, loved, wanted, and liked and valued. I told Roger and we talked for a while about that. I need to know these things, otherwise I start to think i'm doing something wrong, i'm not liked, i'm boring, i'm not loved, and I withdraw. I hate it, but that's the way i've always been. I think that has to do with why I was so clingy to boyfriends before and wanted to always be with them. THey always were complimenting me, encouraging me, praising me, paying attention to me, affirming their love or whatever they thought was love. So they were someone I knew wanted to be with me and I got feedback as to whether I mattered or not.
It's pathetic really, I have wonderful parents and I can remember being like 10 and thinking my parents didn't love me. They were wonderful my whole life! I dont' understand why i'm like that and I am not making excuses for it or saying I can't change. I'm trying, but I guess sometimes I do feel lonely and rejected or I do worry that i'm losing friends and that i'm not a good friend and will fail them.
By the way, I hope no one has the wrong impression too that I have only enough attention and thought for Roger. That's not true!!!! I love Roger yes, but I love my friends too! I'd die without friends, that's one of my biggest fears...to have NO friends! :( And to have no friends because I pushed them away!!!!!
I really love my friends and I hope they do know that. I will fail them, and they will fail me. That's life and friendship is about forgiveness and loving despite faults and helping each other grow. But i'm willing to learn from failures and to grow. To learn how to be a better friend. I hope this makes sense. IT's hard cuz my friends are scattered to the wind really, all in different directions, different states, heck different countries! And everyone's so busy and caught up in their own lives, and I am too. I think i'm all too good at feeling sorry for myself and starting to worry that if I don't make sure to keep in contact with those I care about, will I lose them forever?
I try in my own ways though! I'm really good at writing people...in fact I LOVE writing people. I love writing letters, I love writing emails, and I love getting them too of course. Sometimes I do think a gift God gave me was writing. Not so sure if that includes fiction and I realize now, NOT poetry, but writing and encouraging others. I express things better on paper, and I encourage better. So I love to write friends and I have been trying to lately. And I Do it to make them feel good and to remind them I care about them. And then, I hear nothing back. It's not like I do it just so they feel obligated to write me back, don't get me wrong. I guess I long to know if I made them smile, made them feel good, reminded them I DO care. I get no word on it and then I find myself wondering if I matter to that person or what. Or if they even got it at all. I Know it's probably sounding stupid, but i'm just writing what's on my mind currently. I KNOW people are busy, and lots of people aren't into writing and that's just fine. I guess I am stumbling and trying to find ways in which I make a difference and matter in people's lives. Or maybe i'm blowing it way out of proportion and letters aren't really that exciting or important to get, I dont' know.
Something else lately is I think maybe God could be calling me into a ministry of writing. Prison Fellowship popped into my head the other day. For those of you who dont' know it, it's a Christian program begun by I believe Dr. James Dobson, and it's where people can write to someone in prison and encourage them and help them in their faith or something. My grandma did it for years. I don't know, it seems God has planted a seed in me. And it seems, that someone in prison just might look forward to that letter, and maybe I can help that person find forgiveness and new life. Maybe I can make a difference and matter in someone's life, and do something good. But yet it's rather scary. How will I know what the person is really like and if their intentions are true and pure? It's something I want to keep praying about and prayer would be appreciated.
Heh, I wish I was better at showing I care I guess. I think sometimes I worry too much I WILL fail people, or I won't be able to help friends when they face crises and such. Will I say the wrong thing? Will I only make things worse? I do worry about that, and I think sometimes I may pull away cuz I don't want to hurt them or something. Is there a wall or something up that people feel they can't come to me, or they just don't want to come to me? I see Roger and his friends, and I can tell his friends love him and look up to him and they love to tell him the goings on in his life. They know he cares and he's a great listener, they are confident that he will want to know. They call him all the time to vent or share things. I guess I wish people felt they could do that more with me! Sure I may not always be right there to answer, that's what a machine is for! I do have to work a few hours a day now, and I do do things at my Gram's that require me to be away. Cleaning her blood soaked clothing or other nasty things most likely requires two hands (long story, it's been a rough weekend with Gram). But I like to get messages! And I do answer when i'm around! Or when i'm awake, which believe it or not, I DO sleep these days! ;) I've been so exhausted lately and zonk out once i'm in bed. I wish my friends knew they could share with me the stuff that excites them or frustrates them. I want to be better at showing that I care and being able to be there! Or maybe I Just am not a good friend and there's something i'm not realizing yet I need to change. I don't know, this is a ramble, and it feels good to get it out. Sometimes sorting through my thoughts by writing them down really does help.
In reading the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, I learned something about myself. I learned a lot actually, it was an awesome book. Roger wants to read it with me and I think it will help us start our marriage and life together someday. Gary Chapman says there are five love languages, and everyone has a primary one that makes them feel the most loved. The five are Acts of Service, Words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, and um, one that I forgot and my brain can't seem to come up with, Augh. Well anyway, at least I remember mine. I had a hard time figuring out what mine was, cuz I thought I was all of those. I value all of that. But then I realized, and without a doubt know I am one who needs words of affirmation. I NEED encouragement, I need to know that i'm needed, appreciated, loved, wanted, and liked and valued. I told Roger and we talked for a while about that. I need to know these things, otherwise I start to think i'm doing something wrong, i'm not liked, i'm boring, i'm not loved, and I withdraw. I hate it, but that's the way i've always been. I think that has to do with why I was so clingy to boyfriends before and wanted to always be with them. THey always were complimenting me, encouraging me, praising me, paying attention to me, affirming their love or whatever they thought was love. So they were someone I knew wanted to be with me and I got feedback as to whether I mattered or not.
It's pathetic really, I have wonderful parents and I can remember being like 10 and thinking my parents didn't love me. They were wonderful my whole life! I dont' understand why i'm like that and I am not making excuses for it or saying I can't change. I'm trying, but I guess sometimes I do feel lonely and rejected or I do worry that i'm losing friends and that i'm not a good friend and will fail them.
By the way, I hope no one has the wrong impression too that I have only enough attention and thought for Roger. That's not true!!!! I love Roger yes, but I love my friends too! I'd die without friends, that's one of my biggest fears...to have NO friends! :( And to have no friends because I pushed them away!!!!!
I really love my friends and I hope they do know that. I will fail them, and they will fail me. That's life and friendship is about forgiveness and loving despite faults and helping each other grow. But i'm willing to learn from failures and to grow. To learn how to be a better friend. I hope this makes sense. IT's hard cuz my friends are scattered to the wind really, all in different directions, different states, heck different countries! And everyone's so busy and caught up in their own lives, and I am too. I think i'm all too good at feeling sorry for myself and starting to worry that if I don't make sure to keep in contact with those I care about, will I lose them forever?