It's been a while i guess...
I believe this is a new record! Two full weeks of NOT updating! I doubt my entries have been missed much. Well as hard as it will be, I’ll keep this short and sweet, although I am at work and as usual things are slow, so I may get carried away.
Anyway, life’s been busy and hectic. Gram was sick there for a while. She had bowel troubles and it was a nasty mess. My mom was a big help, and I am SO grateful for my parents. It was not pretty for a while there, my Gram was a mess and of course has no idea how to take care of herself. And of course half the time she would deny having anything wrong, and that’d be within minutes after us cleaning up after her. Enough said. My duties have increased at Gram’s, which include things I believe a professional should do since I’m not trained for such things. But I guess I have no say in the matter. And I need to keep getting paid cuz I need the money. So I’m trying to suck it up and not complain, tho it’s difficult. Meanwhile Gram is better now, but yet she is as agitated as ever. Paces and wants us to tell her what to do, yet when we do she gets mad and all offended that we would dare to tell her what to do. Makes no sense really, but nothing around that place involving her does anymore. Stuff is turning up in weirder places than before, and she’s slipping fast. Is starting to forget to eat breakfast, the one meal she actually ate decently by herself. Doesn’t go get her paper or mail anymore, which she used to live by before. And she nags and fusses as much as ever. And probably what agitates me the most is the fact that all her life she could never admit to having any faults and that surely is still the case. How dare we think she’s not perfect! Just thought I’d throw in an update there, I haven’t complained about her in a while ;)
Work is pretty good. The job is being made permanent this week so I’ll have health coverage and dental and some other good stuff. So that’s a nice relief, and they seem to want to keep me! I get bored a lot though and that’s frustrating. As much as I feel guilty for checking my mail, browsing the internet, and doing live journal stuff, I have NOTHING Else to do. I’d go crazy just sitting, so I am at least doing something. Morna my boss is awesome and the kids here are really cool. I discuss all the Bills’ faults extensively with Joe, another Bills fan here ;) and there’s some other really nice people I talk to occasionally. Joe was already up today and we were bitter about yesterday’s cheap Patriots game. Grrrr, I don’t need to get into that…
I went up to Roger’s last weekend and it was a blast. Spent more time with some of his friends and that was cool. He took me out hunting twice and it was really neat, tho it was a poor chance for me to actually get anything. The woods are so thick and the deer so spread out, that my chances of shooting a deer with a bow were slim. But it was still fun, Roger took me to some of his favorite places, which we now share ;) I got to talk to his mom more and that was really nice. And his brother was fun as usual, he cracks me up. I guess Roger and his mom went to the mall last week and went looking at rings together! He showed his mom what I liked and she was all excited and apparently told him how comfortable she is around me and how much she likes me and is happy for us. That blew me away! WE don’t talk a TON when I’m there, but we do a little more each time. She seems kind of shy around me and I am shy around her, but I Guess she sees that Roger and I are for real and truly care about each other and is happy for us. That makes me so very happy! And I’m so excited for the future with Roger and tho I have no idea when he plans to pop the question, I am not worried!
I guess I worry more about myself and being the best wife. Right now I really don’t like where I’m at and who I am. It seems I talk about it all the time, but no change happens. I feel so selfish lately, like with my Gram and with friends. I feel so distant with my friends and feel like I’m not a good friend. I’ve been so wrapped up in myself lately and my problems, and that isn’t helping myself. But I know I need to work on some things before marriage and it’s a slow and painful process. I resent people all too quickly and am way too impatient about a lot of things, and I expect too many things my way. That’s not good for a marriage! I feel so frustrated at times. I pray for change and a better attitude, and at times it seems my attitude is just getting worse! I don’t know if there’s something I’m still holding onto, but it gets downright discouraging at times. And then I end up beating myself up and feel like a terrible worthless person because of all my faults. It just seems neverending and I’m getting sick of it! Heh I know I know, I’ve said this all before. IT’s the same old crap that I write about. But that’s still where I’m at I guess.
And that’s about it I Guess. Life goes on and I’m trying to make some changes. I do wish I had more friends close by to really open up to and help keep me accountable. I never see Emily these days cuz her and Josh are so busy. I haven’t even gotten down there to hunt yet and I want to so bad She’s got her new job tho and they are going every which way. I wish I could talk to her more. I know everyone’s busy and I am pretty busy too, but I miss having deep chats with a good friend…
I am going crazy seeing deer everywhere and not going out hunting! That’ll HOPEFULLY change next weekend with Roger coming down and we’re going to Josh and Em’s potentially the whole weekend. My folks are coming down so I’ll be relieved. Can’t wait!!! It’ll be good to finally all be together and hunt and hopefully watch movies and chill and hopefully someone or preferably ALL of us killing deer! ;) I want me a BIG buck! Hehe.
Well Happy Halloween everyone! I am going home tonight to spend it with Lisa. She’s dragging me to trick or treating and I’m going to be Darth Vader, hehe. At least no one will see just how old I am. I’ll just be a really tall kid! I am looking forward to it. I am very grateful for Lisa, our friendship is simple and it seems the simplest things I do for her, she really appreciates. For some reason she seems to think I’m this wonderful person and tho I don’t understand it, I’m glad. So we’re having a sleepover and she’s cutting and dying my hair! Purple for Halloween!!!! Hehe just kidding. Just probably some blond highlights to get rid of my roots. Ok so this is long…shocker. Yep, I’m bored.
Anyway, life’s been busy and hectic. Gram was sick there for a while. She had bowel troubles and it was a nasty mess. My mom was a big help, and I am SO grateful for my parents. It was not pretty for a while there, my Gram was a mess and of course has no idea how to take care of herself. And of course half the time she would deny having anything wrong, and that’d be within minutes after us cleaning up after her. Enough said. My duties have increased at Gram’s, which include things I believe a professional should do since I’m not trained for such things. But I guess I have no say in the matter. And I need to keep getting paid cuz I need the money. So I’m trying to suck it up and not complain, tho it’s difficult. Meanwhile Gram is better now, but yet she is as agitated as ever. Paces and wants us to tell her what to do, yet when we do she gets mad and all offended that we would dare to tell her what to do. Makes no sense really, but nothing around that place involving her does anymore. Stuff is turning up in weirder places than before, and she’s slipping fast. Is starting to forget to eat breakfast, the one meal she actually ate decently by herself. Doesn’t go get her paper or mail anymore, which she used to live by before. And she nags and fusses as much as ever. And probably what agitates me the most is the fact that all her life she could never admit to having any faults and that surely is still the case. How dare we think she’s not perfect! Just thought I’d throw in an update there, I haven’t complained about her in a while ;)
Work is pretty good. The job is being made permanent this week so I’ll have health coverage and dental and some other good stuff. So that’s a nice relief, and they seem to want to keep me! I get bored a lot though and that’s frustrating. As much as I feel guilty for checking my mail, browsing the internet, and doing live journal stuff, I have NOTHING Else to do. I’d go crazy just sitting, so I am at least doing something. Morna my boss is awesome and the kids here are really cool. I discuss all the Bills’ faults extensively with Joe, another Bills fan here ;) and there’s some other really nice people I talk to occasionally. Joe was already up today and we were bitter about yesterday’s cheap Patriots game. Grrrr, I don’t need to get into that…
I went up to Roger’s last weekend and it was a blast. Spent more time with some of his friends and that was cool. He took me out hunting twice and it was really neat, tho it was a poor chance for me to actually get anything. The woods are so thick and the deer so spread out, that my chances of shooting a deer with a bow were slim. But it was still fun, Roger took me to some of his favorite places, which we now share ;) I got to talk to his mom more and that was really nice. And his brother was fun as usual, he cracks me up. I guess Roger and his mom went to the mall last week and went looking at rings together! He showed his mom what I liked and she was all excited and apparently told him how comfortable she is around me and how much she likes me and is happy for us. That blew me away! WE don’t talk a TON when I’m there, but we do a little more each time. She seems kind of shy around me and I am shy around her, but I Guess she sees that Roger and I are for real and truly care about each other and is happy for us. That makes me so very happy! And I’m so excited for the future with Roger and tho I have no idea when he plans to pop the question, I am not worried!
I guess I worry more about myself and being the best wife. Right now I really don’t like where I’m at and who I am. It seems I talk about it all the time, but no change happens. I feel so selfish lately, like with my Gram and with friends. I feel so distant with my friends and feel like I’m not a good friend. I’ve been so wrapped up in myself lately and my problems, and that isn’t helping myself. But I know I need to work on some things before marriage and it’s a slow and painful process. I resent people all too quickly and am way too impatient about a lot of things, and I expect too many things my way. That’s not good for a marriage! I feel so frustrated at times. I pray for change and a better attitude, and at times it seems my attitude is just getting worse! I don’t know if there’s something I’m still holding onto, but it gets downright discouraging at times. And then I end up beating myself up and feel like a terrible worthless person because of all my faults. It just seems neverending and I’m getting sick of it! Heh I know I know, I’ve said this all before. IT’s the same old crap that I write about. But that’s still where I’m at I guess.
And that’s about it I Guess. Life goes on and I’m trying to make some changes. I do wish I had more friends close by to really open up to and help keep me accountable. I never see Emily these days cuz her and Josh are so busy. I haven’t even gotten down there to hunt yet and I want to so bad She’s got her new job tho and they are going every which way. I wish I could talk to her more. I know everyone’s busy and I am pretty busy too, but I miss having deep chats with a good friend…
I am going crazy seeing deer everywhere and not going out hunting! That’ll HOPEFULLY change next weekend with Roger coming down and we’re going to Josh and Em’s potentially the whole weekend. My folks are coming down so I’ll be relieved. Can’t wait!!! It’ll be good to finally all be together and hunt and hopefully watch movies and chill and hopefully someone or preferably ALL of us killing deer! ;) I want me a BIG buck! Hehe.
Well Happy Halloween everyone! I am going home tonight to spend it with Lisa. She’s dragging me to trick or treating and I’m going to be Darth Vader, hehe. At least no one will see just how old I am. I’ll just be a really tall kid! I am looking forward to it. I am very grateful for Lisa, our friendship is simple and it seems the simplest things I do for her, she really appreciates. For some reason she seems to think I’m this wonderful person and tho I don’t understand it, I’m glad. So we’re having a sleepover and she’s cutting and dying my hair! Purple for Halloween!!!! Hehe just kidding. Just probably some blond highlights to get rid of my roots. Ok so this is long…shocker. Yep, I’m bored.