Dear Dad
Dear Dad,
I wish you were here. I wish I could talk to you about everything. I wish I could tell you what is going on in my life. I want to talk to you about mom and what she is doing to me. I need a hug from you really bad. I don't know what I want. I am just hurting sooo badly. I wish you were hear to make it all better, to make my life all better. I have forgotten about you. I forgot how much I loved being around you. You were a great dad. You were perfect for me. I need someone. I need someone like that in my life again. Mom well she's not taking care of me. She seems to always be trying to put me down, trying to keep herself in control. She can't control me. I don't want to be controled. I don't want to be treated like I don't know what I am doing, like I can't fend for myself. I am weak to a certain extent but I've grown strong. Remember that time in 4th grade that she yelled at me for my school work. She threatened me. She was sooooo angry at me. I was scared of her. I didn't want to be near her at anytime by myself. I didn't want to be left alone with her ever. And I still feel that way. I ran to you for help. You were watching tv and I told you that I hated her. Well I did. I know I did much like I hate her now. You were there all the time. You where there to run to. Now I don't feel like I have anyone. This weekend my mom came down. I didn't really want her to come down but she was gonna come no matter what. Emily was also coming and I made sure she didn't flake out on me. She didn't and it made it better. It made it so my mom could not possible yell at me or talk to me. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know the life I live. I wish she did so maybe then she would stop putting me down, but if she did would things really change? She would still want to be "in control." She would. She would find something, anything to make her feel "in control." When I started driving I had a hard time drving with her. I couldn't drive with her. She had to be the one that was constantly telling me every possible thing that I was doing wrong. She does that to Jorge too. She has to has to be in control. She still does it to Jorge. She tries to do it to me but I know I am a good driver and I now know to ignore her. I noticed when she came down for the weekend that she didn't tell me squat about my driving.
Cristina talked to me last week. It was amazing. I don't think she has ever talked to anyone else in the family. I am glad she talked to me finally. I know she's okay. The funny thing is that she thinks about you daily. My jaw dropped. I don't do that. She even prays to you every night. I stopped doing that. Every night before you went to bed I used to climb in bed with you and talk to you. Then we would go back to my bed and you would tuck me in and kiss me on the forehead. I miss that. I miss that sense of security that I got from all those little things you did. Cristina and I want to watch all your home videos. I think it would be a good thing for me and for us to do together. I don't remember how you really were with me. I only remember specific times. I want to know more about you. I want to remember how you were. I want to remember the sound of your voice. I can hear you saying my name. I can't visualize it though.
I guess what I am trying to say with all this is that when I lost you, I lost my security. I need to find a way to get it back and not rely on others to give it to me. I think that is what happened to Emily. I leaned on her too much. I relied on her to keep me safe, but I also did that with a lot of people. I know I need to learn to take care of myself. I need to learn how and when I should lean on someone. (woah, on a side note... okay so i was typing to my dad and my voice in my head had an accent, but then the last few sentences I wrote I sounded normal and very Enlish... that was weird) You weren't able to teach me how to not rely on someone. You werent' able to teach me how to fix problems by myself. O and by watching the videos i also want to see how you and my mom acted. I don't remember. Hell I don't ever remember you guys being together. Which is really strange. I want to be in touch with you much like you and Cristina seem to be. So this I guess is the first step... right?
I wish you were here. I wish I could talk to you about everything. I wish I could tell you what is going on in my life. I want to talk to you about mom and what she is doing to me. I need a hug from you really bad. I don't know what I want. I am just hurting sooo badly. I wish you were hear to make it all better, to make my life all better. I have forgotten about you. I forgot how much I loved being around you. You were a great dad. You were perfect for me. I need someone. I need someone like that in my life again. Mom well she's not taking care of me. She seems to always be trying to put me down, trying to keep herself in control. She can't control me. I don't want to be controled. I don't want to be treated like I don't know what I am doing, like I can't fend for myself. I am weak to a certain extent but I've grown strong. Remember that time in 4th grade that she yelled at me for my school work. She threatened me. She was sooooo angry at me. I was scared of her. I didn't want to be near her at anytime by myself. I didn't want to be left alone with her ever. And I still feel that way. I ran to you for help. You were watching tv and I told you that I hated her. Well I did. I know I did much like I hate her now. You were there all the time. You where there to run to. Now I don't feel like I have anyone. This weekend my mom came down. I didn't really want her to come down but she was gonna come no matter what. Emily was also coming and I made sure she didn't flake out on me. She didn't and it made it better. It made it so my mom could not possible yell at me or talk to me. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know the life I live. I wish she did so maybe then she would stop putting me down, but if she did would things really change? She would still want to be "in control." She would. She would find something, anything to make her feel "in control." When I started driving I had a hard time drving with her. I couldn't drive with her. She had to be the one that was constantly telling me every possible thing that I was doing wrong. She does that to Jorge too. She has to has to be in control. She still does it to Jorge. She tries to do it to me but I know I am a good driver and I now know to ignore her. I noticed when she came down for the weekend that she didn't tell me squat about my driving.
Cristina talked to me last week. It was amazing. I don't think she has ever talked to anyone else in the family. I am glad she talked to me finally. I know she's okay. The funny thing is that she thinks about you daily. My jaw dropped. I don't do that. She even prays to you every night. I stopped doing that. Every night before you went to bed I used to climb in bed with you and talk to you. Then we would go back to my bed and you would tuck me in and kiss me on the forehead. I miss that. I miss that sense of security that I got from all those little things you did. Cristina and I want to watch all your home videos. I think it would be a good thing for me and for us to do together. I don't remember how you really were with me. I only remember specific times. I want to know more about you. I want to remember how you were. I want to remember the sound of your voice. I can hear you saying my name. I can't visualize it though.
I guess what I am trying to say with all this is that when I lost you, I lost my security. I need to find a way to get it back and not rely on others to give it to me. I think that is what happened to Emily. I leaned on her too much. I relied on her to keep me safe, but I also did that with a lot of people. I know I need to learn to take care of myself. I need to learn how and when I should lean on someone. (woah, on a side note... okay so i was typing to my dad and my voice in my head had an accent, but then the last few sentences I wrote I sounded normal and very Enlish... that was weird) You weren't able to teach me how to not rely on someone. You werent' able to teach me how to fix problems by myself. O and by watching the videos i also want to see how you and my mom acted. I don't remember. Hell I don't ever remember you guys being together. Which is really strange. I want to be in touch with you much like you and Cristina seem to be. So this I guess is the first step... right?