A study on what makes open relationships and polyamory work long-term

[nasu_dengaku]

One common criticism of polyamory is that it tends to be something that's only undertaken in the short term or when people haven't found the "right partner".  I have observed some people do it for reasons that are not conducive to building a healthy long-term relationship.  However, I do believe that stable long-term polyamory is possible, and I

Comments

[jhogan]

- Not having the main reason for pursuing polyamory be the desire to have secondary partners as ways of filling needs that are not met by the primary relationship.

That I would not necessarily have expected...

[lynthia]

Yeah, I'm surprised by that one too. I've been married for 8+ years, and have maintained another long-term relationship for 6+ of those same years. The motivating factor was absolutely that I was looking to "fill gaps" as it were, and I've found it to be a wonderful way to be able to appreciate people for what they *can* provide, when you're not looking for them to provide everything.

[ex_serenejo]

Contrariwise (and not to negate your own view), I prefer not to look at people as means to an end. That is, I'm not with anyone in order to get any particular needs filled; I'm with each one of my partners because that person is someone I love and find nifty.

[lynthia]

This issue was central to the very messy end of my relationship with a third, and I still can't seem to find a better way to explain it other than "we think about it differently, and this is one of those issues you can't really agree to disagree on if you're going to be together

[serolynne]

Ditto on being surprised by this one too. Sure, not having it be a main reason can indeed be fuel for long term multiple relationships.

However, I've experienced and witnessed this as a main reason being fuel for long term relationships too.

I was able to maintain a 8 year romantic domestic partnership with someone definitely not well matched precisely because I could get a lot of my other needs met outside of our relationship. Now granted, we were poly long before our relationship - so it wasn't as if we found poly as a solution for us. But we definitely continued pursuing it with needs being met as a primary reason.

[gramina]

Huh. Now, see, what I've found is that as long as I was feeling a major gap in getting my needs met from my primary, I couldn't begin another relationship; I'd start with someone, but way before we reached the "is this a relationship" stage, I'd find myself thinking "Gee, this is nice; I wish it was *primary's name*..." -- At which point, I stopped, because that feels like a really unfortunate way to be building a relationship.

Once things with my primary were ok again, *then* it was like I had new partners dropping out of the *woodwork.* And each of those relationships is different, and I turn to each partner for different kinds of things (along with the affection and care and support that I look for from all of them), but I don't have the relationship *for* those things.

[nasu_dengaku]

Yeah, that was surprising.

I should point out though that their sample size was small (14) and several people mentioned it as *a* reason. However, no one said it was a central reason.