(no subject)
I've been thinking a little about sexuality - and how much I often get entangled in it. What I mean is partly my loneliness without a girlfriend, without sex, which is giving me trouble, and the rest is getting lustful eyes at times. It's not so bad anymore like it was some years ago when I followed every woman's figure with my eyes, but neither has it gone away for good. My spirit's willing, but my flesh is weak, like Paul says. I get trippy each time I meet a girl which seems to have a beauty that appeals to me, and though I got wiser I still often fall into the trap of thinking that just because she's beautiful, I have to "get her". From the few times when I had sex I know that it's not the superduper thing some people and society make it out to be - it's certainly pleasing, but it's not a salvation to have sex. In fact, if ya only meet women for sex then the women will be disturbed if ya then ask for love, and that is the rule, if I have sex with someone I then need to feel some love, usually anyway, unless I was desperate and screwed with someone I had no feelings for whatsoever. Not that this has happened a lot in my life.
My mother always used to tell me that love and sex belong together, but because she said that from her rather innocent perspective I didn't really take this serious. I felt it is childish and naive to think so, I even found it ridiculous. Now I'm not so sure anymore.
Christian morality in regards to sexuality are very strict. If the so-called spiritual union of man and women, when they are enjoined by God, when that happens the first time ya have sex with each other, then I'm doomed to stay alone, if I want to be a seriously committed christian, because the girl I had sex with first lives far away and I don't think she'd have any interest to be my partner. And she, she has had sex with many guys, both before and after we were together .. to whom would she have to return? Her first boy was killed shortly before we got together, and the one she had inbetween the first and me was a hedonist rocker. She would find it patently ridiculous to have to return to the rocker because they've had sex. It seems to be the case anyway that lifelong partnership is more of a scare to most people than that it attracts them, evenmoreso in our modern times where sexual freedom is what most people want. It doesn't seem to matter much that it came at the expense of our sincerity as far as love goes, and it's painful to see how the "people of sexual freedom" ended up sacrificing genuine partnership trust and fidelity just to fuck yet another guy or girl. It seems like a test of sorts, when God tells the married ones to stay together some people can't overcome themselves and keep love alive, or to resurrect it.
Fuck, I think I am trying to distract from what is MY problem, what I should see as MY problem and not as the problem of society even if is the case. Hypocrisy or bigotry always come easy, and I dun wanna be a hypocrite or bigot.
My mother always used to tell me that love and sex belong together, but because she said that from her rather innocent perspective I didn't really take this serious. I felt it is childish and naive to think so, I even found it ridiculous. Now I'm not so sure anymore.
Christian morality in regards to sexuality are very strict. If the so-called spiritual union of man and women, when they are enjoined by God, when that happens the first time ya have sex with each other, then I'm doomed to stay alone, if I want to be a seriously committed christian, because the girl I had sex with first lives far away and I don't think she'd have any interest to be my partner. And she, she has had sex with many guys, both before and after we were together .. to whom would she have to return? Her first boy was killed shortly before we got together, and the one she had inbetween the first and me was a hedonist rocker. She would find it patently ridiculous to have to return to the rocker because they've had sex. It seems to be the case anyway that lifelong partnership is more of a scare to most people than that it attracts them, evenmoreso in our modern times where sexual freedom is what most people want. It doesn't seem to matter much that it came at the expense of our sincerity as far as love goes, and it's painful to see how the "people of sexual freedom" ended up sacrificing genuine partnership trust and fidelity just to fuck yet another guy or girl. It seems like a test of sorts, when God tells the married ones to stay together some people can't overcome themselves and keep love alive, or to resurrect it.
Fuck, I think I am trying to distract from what is MY problem, what I should see as MY problem and not as the problem of society even if is the case. Hypocrisy or bigotry always come easy, and I dun wanna be a hypocrite or bigot.