(no subject)
I was watching "Passion of the Christ" today. I'm trying to find words. I never saw the same in scripture. There was a scene where Jesus was with his followers, and told them "I am the way, the truth, the life" .. as if the Lord was thinking of this when carrying the cross. Or perhaps, the director of the movie thought, people should embrace all of Christ's teachings. Anyway, in the scene, the actor smiled in a certain way. It seems we humans can't smile that way. It made me believe in the truth of when Jesus said "I am from the heart humble and meek" ... it was so wonderful. Words can sound so shallow. But Jesus is the living word.
I was pulled through that movie. I was shown - I nailed Him to the cross also, like all the others, and all the disgusting emotions of the people present, they flew through me also. It's like my friend Raphael told me, our sins nailed Christ to the cross.
I don't know what to do now. Play video games? Would be an escape. Write poetry? Really, poetry?? Some weeks ago, God said to me that I would want to be Satan. I saw it there in the movie also. This damn affinity for Satan, why, oh why do I feel it? Of course not always, sometimes I prove myself different. For brief moments, I get away from the satanic. I doubt most people would call me satanic .. but I know it's there. Damn schizophrenia .. I can't talk about this with anyone, I fear they'd get scared, and doctors would think I have a severe psychotic episode. But I dun want to let go of Christ. As much as I feel anxiety, I owe this to the Lord. My mind may be crooked. My mind may be broken. But what counts for others, that we have to repent, it also has to count for me.
Something's hidden in Christ, the new beginning, the new way, truth and life. The anxiety I feel is just because I do not know the future, because I can't ease my nervousness with thinking blahblah, nothing matters, the schizo gives me a wildcard. I felt so close to God, in my mind I saw a light from heaven a few times. Christ broke the power of sin, by forgiving us even when we nailed Him to the cross. He won the victory .. I merely need to build on His word, on the foundation He is.
It's fuckin big time I join the church.
I was pulled through that movie. I was shown - I nailed Him to the cross also, like all the others, and all the disgusting emotions of the people present, they flew through me also. It's like my friend Raphael told me, our sins nailed Christ to the cross.
I don't know what to do now. Play video games? Would be an escape. Write poetry? Really, poetry?? Some weeks ago, God said to me that I would want to be Satan. I saw it there in the movie also. This damn affinity for Satan, why, oh why do I feel it? Of course not always, sometimes I prove myself different. For brief moments, I get away from the satanic. I doubt most people would call me satanic .. but I know it's there. Damn schizophrenia .. I can't talk about this with anyone, I fear they'd get scared, and doctors would think I have a severe psychotic episode. But I dun want to let go of Christ. As much as I feel anxiety, I owe this to the Lord. My mind may be crooked. My mind may be broken. But what counts for others, that we have to repent, it also has to count for me.
Something's hidden in Christ, the new beginning, the new way, truth and life. The anxiety I feel is just because I do not know the future, because I can't ease my nervousness with thinking blahblah, nothing matters, the schizo gives me a wildcard. I felt so close to God, in my mind I saw a light from heaven a few times. Christ broke the power of sin, by forgiving us even when we nailed Him to the cross. He won the victory .. I merely need to build on His word, on the foundation He is.
It's fuckin big time I join the church.